Accepting and shopping for a healthy 'new' body

Please be aware that this post discusses clothing sizes and may be triggering for some.  If these topics trigger you, please do not proceed.  =)

I was just catching up on your new blog posts, and I read Lily's and Kelsey's posts on how difficult it is to shop and outfit a new and different, curvier, and healthier body.  I've posted about this a few times before, but, I think it's an issue a lot of us recoverers have to deal with, so I'm going to write about it again.

The honest truth is, one year ago when I decided that I was going to get healthier, work out, and eat better (and not in an ED-way), I didn't fully realize what I was getting myself into.  I wasn't aware of the emotional, difficult, and frightening road that was ahead of me.  And most notably, I did not even fathom that gaining weight and possibly not-fitting into my clothes was going to be an issue.-- this probably speaks to how completely unaware I was of suffering from disordered eating.  I thought I was just 'watching my weight' and making sure I didn't get 'fat'.

What brought on this post is that I had to go shopping for jeans this weekend.  Being a fashion-loving gal I desperately 'needed' a pair of jeggings that fit me correctly.  I had spent the past year wrestling, kickboxing, and playing tug-of-war with my size 0 skinny jeans.  I would pull them on, and they would want to spring off my muscular thighs and ass like a cheetah after a meaty antelope.  Sometimes I would  wear the jeans even though they were uncomfortable.  Why?  Because they were a size 0 and I despised the fact that my jean size had gone up.  DESPISED.  It made (still makes) me feel like a failure.

Now, my jean size is ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE.  I cannot tell you how aggravating and challenging this is.  I can no longer go into a store and pick up a size 0 knowing that they will most likely fit (picking up a size 2, just in case).  I now have to grab anywhere from a size 0, 2, 3, and 4 for my curvy and healthy body (Oh no!  NOT a FOUR!!!!  What the hell does size FOUR mean, anyway?).  Yesterday was one of the days where I had to not only face a size 4 jean, I actually bought them because they looked nice on me.  However, just because I bought them doesn't mean I've stopped berating myself for 'getting fat enough' for a size 4.

What's really sad about the ordeal is that I *know* that women's sizes are complete bullshit.  This completely ridiculous bullshit concept was even proven to me in the same Express dressing room that I decided to buy the size 4 jeans.

I had grabbed a handful different types of skinny jeans in sizes 0, 2, and 4, and I had it narrowed down to a jean called the Stella, and another similar style called the Zelda.  They fit very similarly, but the colors were different:  the Stella was a dark inky wash with gold stitching, and the Zelda was a dark black wash.  Oh, and the other thing that was different about them was that the Stella that fit was a size 2, and the Zelda was a size 4!  Imagine my annoyance--two nearly identical jeans, that fit almost exactly the same, but in two completely different sizes!

Why, why , WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knowing that I liked the black-wash (size 4) Zelda's better, I was faced with a difficult, but rather absurd, decision.  Do I buy the Stella's because they were a size 2, or do I buy the Zelda's in a SIZE FOUR?  Do I succumb to my sad state of 'fat-ness', or do I buy the jeans I like less because the size tag makes me happier?

After much debate I finally decided that I liked the black-wash Zelda's.  I even changed out of the pinching size 0 skinny jeans that I had worn to the mall, and pulled on my new big-girl jeans in the dressing room (after paying for them, of course!).

I wish that I could tell you buying the cute Zelda jeans made me realize that it's ok for me to be a size 4, and that I had some huge epiphany.  But, the truth is, I didn't.

Even though I know that I could fit into a size 2 in a similar jean and I'm not a fat-ass, and even though I generally like my new healthy and fit body, I still hate that I have to buy a bigger pant size.  I miss feeling like a dainty little thing.

That night, I put on my new jeans and went out and had drinks with J.  What else could I do?

I even took pictures of myself in a mirror to prove to myself that I look fine, and that I'm not 'fat'.  I took the pictures because I knew that I could look at them later and realize that the crazy was all in my head, and not reality.

So, tell me...

Have you ever had a similar experience?

What did you do?

If you are recovered or in recovery how do you deal with shopping for your healthier body?

Smashin' Fashion!

Hello Lovelies!

I haven't had a fashion post in a while, so I thought I'd do one about my Valentine's Day outfit.  As you already know, I love getting dressed up.  Considering how I was insanely sick all of last week, we ended up not being able to go on our planned Valentine's Weekend ski trip.  It was a huge bummer, but I really needed the weekend to be able to get completely better.  So, we re-scheduled our Valentine's Day dinner to fall on the actual day, and I was able to get decked out for the event!  Yay!

On Valentine's Day, most people arm themselves with mounds of pinks and reds.  But, surprisingly, I actually do not have even one red dress in my wardrobe!  Black? Yes.  Blue?  Sure.  Pepto bismol pink?  Got it.  But NO red.  So, what's a girl to do?  I decided to wear a beautiful white dress that was gifted to me by my mom about seven or eight months ago.  I figured, when is the next time I'm going to pull this elegant little number out?  

I paired the dress with a black belt, cute pink/purple leopard print pumps, and accessorized with sparkly jewelry, red nail polish, and some super red-hot lipstick to contribute to the Valentine's Day theme.  

Now here's a secret:  my hair is supposed to have a 'messy up- do' vibe to it.  And it does, because I rolled out of bed yesterday morning and put my hair up into a messy bun just to get the day started.  But  when I looked in the mirror I decided that with a thin little headband and massive amounts of hairspray, it could actually look just right for the evening!  (I even showered with my hair in the messy bun, trying my hardest to not get it wet. =D )

Valentine's day was really great and we had an amazing time!  I know a lot of people dislike this holiday, but what's better than getting dressed up and spreading some love?!

<3

Now for some pix....

Oh my, my!  These shoes make my heart go pitter patter! 

*Swooooooooon*

My bed-head 'do. :)

The full ensemble!

So, how was your Valentine's Day?  

Did you do anything special?

<3

Be your own Valentine!

This Valentine's Day, take time to celebrate your love for 

the Love of your life

and the animals that you love 

but, also take time to celebrate

your hair, 

the way it was intended to look, 

(no matter how crazy!)

your beautiful, strong arms,

and your yummy tummy.

This Valentine's Day, love your thighs, love your butt, love your Loooove-Handles (!), love your cheeks, love your neck, love your hands, love your feet, love your nose, love your toes, love your fingers, love your teeth, love your ears, love your elbows, love your knees, and just love all of yourself.  

Look in the mirror and say: 

"I Love You!"

This Valentine's Day, in addition to all of the other Valentine's that I'm sure you all have, be your own Valentine.  

Because nothing deserves more love than your own body, heart, mind, and soul! 

<3

Happy Valentine's Day, Loves!

Sickness and its role in increasing ED behaviors

This was me on Saturday:

Dance Party!!

This is me today:

Pity Party!! 

If you guessed that I'm sick, you would be correct.  The good news is that I don't get sick a lot (anymore).  However, up until a about a year ago (when I began my healthy eating/exercising regimen) I used to get sick all the time.  I would always catch whatever cold, flu, or what have you, that was going around.

This is a little embarrassing to confess, but, I actually enjoyed being sick.  I would even get a little giddy (secretly, of course) when I felt a cold coming on.  It meant that I had an excuse to not eat much, and it was technically O.K. with others because, well, I was sick, right?

It didn't matter that being sick also meant that I was exhausted and couldn't go out and do fun things.  All that mattered was that now that I might actually not have an appetite during the illness, I could eat as little as possible, and come out of it a little thinner.  When everyone was saying "Aww, it sucks that you're sick", I was thinking 'What sucks about not having an appetite and losing weight?!'.

The wonderful thing is that I no longer get excited about being sick.  When I woke up this morning coughing with a congested chest, I thought 'Ohhh man, I can't be sick!  I need to hurry up and get better so that I can go skiing next weekend!  I don't want to lay around the house doing nothing!'.

Now that is the healthy reaction to an illness.  Because in all (healthy) reality, who actually likes being sick?!  It's sick to enjoy being sick.

So, today instead of trying to eat as little as possible, I grabbed my blanket, some orange juice (which I never used to drink because I didn't want the liquid calories), and ate some deliciously thick bean and noodle stew that I made.  

And I promise you, I cannot wait to feel better!

So, tell me....

What is your initial reaction to a sickness?

What's your best remedy for getting over a cold?

<3

  

STOP with all of the diet talk. Just stop.

Try my new Yasi's Light Chocolate Diet!  You can lose up to 5 pounds in 2 weeks.  It's simple: just eat 2 chocolates in the morning with your favorite cereal, 2 chocolates for lunch, and two chocolates for dinner.  

It REALLY works!

I have been getting more and more agitated with all of these diet commercials.  Every time I watch TV I'm bombarded with ads from Jenny Craig, Nutri System, Slim Fast (tagline:  "Because getting slim should be FAST!"), The Special K Diet, The Campbell Soup Diet, and on and on.

It.never.ends.

The most interesting and irritating thing, however, is that if every one of these diets is broken down they end up with the same amount of calories, just using their specific products!  And each boasts that it will make you lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks.  Well, Einstein, anyone can lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks if they are restricting their calories to less than what their body needs, it doesn't matter what you're eating!  Behold the Professor who lost 27 pounds while eating less than 1,800 calories a day of anything made by the Twinkie company.  Probably not the best way to lose weight, but I digress.

This whole diet craziness irks me SO much that I almost want to develop a 'diet plan' called Yasi's Light Chocolate Diet (tagline:  "Because losing weight should be as fast as the speed of light!  And who wouldn't love to live off chocolate?!").  


To think that people spend mass amounts of money on these extremely restrictive diets, designed to make you lose weight just as long as you're sticking to that specific diet, is even worse.  It's completely absurd.

Diets do not work

Diets do not work

DIETS DO NOT WORK.

Our bodies are designed to survive.  If you diet and restrict yourself to eating lean chicken and vegetables, other fake diet food (or cardboard, which is what these diet products taste like), and low-fat 'foods', your body's needs will get the best of you and you will binge on other foods, therefore breaking your 'diet'.  And no, the problem isn't your willpower, it's the fact that you are starving your body of nutrition and your body is trying to survive.
That's it.

If you want to lose weight (which I'm sick of hearing about as a GOAL), eat everything, but add in healthier things and watch your proportions.

Please stop giving money to these companies that are hooking you onto a lifetime of yo-yo dieting because your 'willpower' wasn't good enough to stick to their perfect diet.  You are not the flaw, these 'diets' are.  Why do you think that almost every celebrity that has been the spokesperson for a diet has lost weight drastically, and then put it all back on a couple of years later? (Hello Ricky Lake, Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg, Rosie O'Donell, Kristie Alley... need I go on?)

Lately, the only way I can stand the word 'diet' being used is if someone is talking about what their diet consists of.  For example, my diet consists of a lot of carbs (I actually feel great when consuming carbs), a good amount of dairy (my body craves dairy and I feel better when I have more dairy in my diet), and a lesser amount of fruits/veggies/poultry/fish/meat.

My diet probably goes against every diet rule out there.  I do not eat fruits or veggies 3x a day.  I don't make sure to have a lean protein with every meal.  I don't dole my meals out equally during the day.  I eat bread, cheese, honey, and tea for breakfast every morning, I eat a light lunch (my least favorite and interesting meal), eat more at night, and top it off with a small sweet after dinner.  But, my diet works for me.  It is where I feel my best.

I truly believe that finding your best diet is up to you--the diet with which you feel your best (and no I'm not talking about a cookie diet! haha).

Your body is smart.  It is a machine.  It knows what it wants.  Just listen to it.


The best and newest diets and diet guidelines seem to change weekly, so who do you believe, your body or them?

*End Rant*

<3