Body "identifiers", and acceptance of the change

If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would allow myself to not be as thin as I could possibly be, I would have laughed and not believed you.  The mere thought of not being super skinny would leave me completely panicked. 

I was so absolutely obsessed with "thin" as my identifier, that I could not imagine myself happy in any other way.  At that time, my body defined who I was.  If I was not "Yasi, the short, skinny girl", then who was I?" 

Nobody.

(Or so I thought.)

I truly, and deeply, believed that I would not, and could not, be happy if I weighed anything over 109 pounds.  And if my weight climbed over that number, then I was damned, doomed, and done for!

This is why I did absolutely everything in my power to stay slim, and to stay under that number.  Unlike some girls who deal with ED's, mine did not involve exercise.  The reason for this is because I simply did not have the energy to complete my daily activities, let alone exercise.  And, I knew that when my activity increased my body would throw a complete shit-fit and I would lose control of my restriction.  If I did anything more than my normal routine, I would need more fuel (food), and that was a no-go.  So, my simple solution was to never be more active than I really needed to be.

What this meant was that as I lost weight (and did not exercise), I became super skinny up top, and skinny but squishy in my lower body.  My body had no definition.  I absolutely dreaded wearing bikinis, and really disliked my nude form.  I was not proud of my shape when it wasn't draped with clothing.  In clothes, I liked the fact that I looked thin-- my collar bones stuck out, my arms were waif-like.  Without clothes, I was just a squishy skinny person-- NOT that attractive.

After working on recovery for the past year and a half, my body has completely transformed.  I gained some definite weight (~10-12 pounds from my lowest weight, and ~5-7 pounds from the weight that I tried to maintain for the last couple of years before recovery).  I have also gained a lot of muscle, and some major definition and shape in my body.
Not only do I look very healthy, I am very healthy.  I am now much more active than I was-- I work out about 3x a week and I'm always up for walks, hikes, or other fun things. 

And, the reason that I can do all of these things is because I consistently feed and nourish my body.  My goal is not to be as thin as I could possibly be, it is to be fit and healthy.

In fact, I no longer identify with "thin".  But, I do identify with "athletic".  This is a huge stride for me.  Before recovery, I cringed at the word "athletic" as an identifier.  Because to me, it was almost a nicer way of saying "stocky" or "masculine", and I was terrified of being any of those things.  But, now, I don't mine describing myself as athletic, because that means that I can be as active as I want to be, and that is exciting!

This Friday, I even went on a 2.5 mile run at the gym, did strength training for a half hour, had lunch with my best friend, and an hour later went on a 2.7 mile hike with her.  A year and a half ago this would have been nearly impossible for me!

In addition, this year has been one of the first years that I've really felt comfortable with my body in a bikini.  My level of comfort has actually gone up since I first doned a bikini this Summer, so that'a a plus. :) 
And my comfort has nothing to do with looking thin in my bikini- because I don't.  I look athletic and fit.  I look like I eat normally and I work out.  And somehow, through all the positive self-talk, I've come to see 'athletic' and 'healthy' as positive descriptions.

I've actually never had as much fun during a Summer, as I have had this year.  And I attribute all of that to my recovery, and my life-style change.  Hoorah!!! :):)

♡Yasi

When food loses its power

Yay!!!  Cheers all around!

Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I would write this post.  In fact, I've attempted to write this post three times today already--Each time, writing one sentence, and closing out the page.

So, here goes...

After 1 year and 2 months of working on overcoming my ED-thoughts, and intuitively eating (more recently) and exercising regularly, I believe that I have in fact gotten 'THERE'.
Where is there?  THERE is the place where I eat based on hunger, where I enjoy foods that I'm craving, where I exercise when I want, where I look at my body and like how it looks.  The reason that I was so hesitant to write this post was because I still have days when I feel 'fat', days when I'm down, days when I look at pictures of 'skinny' me and wish that I was thin again (because I looked soooo much better, right?  WRONG!).  But, I finally decided to write the post anyway, because most of the time I am happy with the way I feel and look.  Most importantly, though, I am writing this post because I have finally gotten to a place where I'm not afraid of food.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I am not kidding you when I say that I can't believe I actually wrote the above words.  How can I not be afraid of food?  How can I not fear the calories that are in everything?  How can I not constantly be thinking about food (because if I'm not constantly analyzing my intake I will gain 1,000 pounds and DIE.  Right?  WRONG!)?

Well, somehow, through all my trials and tribulations, through all the ups and downs, through all the crying and skin-tugging, through all the stress of gaining 5 pounds of healthy muscle, I made it here.  Let me tell you this:  I have not restricted in months.  I have eaten consistently without restricting my intake.  And in the last couple of months, I have practically stopped counting calories.  Sure, if a menu shows calorie counts, I'll browse over the numbers.  But, now, it may or may not affect my choice-- I will still order what I'm craving.  The brilliant part, however, is that I've somehow learned to keep eating until I'm hungry and to stop eating when I'm full.

So, basically, in my 26 years on this Earth, my eating habits have reverted back to childhood-- when everything was instinctive.  Bravo!  BRA-VO, Yasi!!  


The most wonderful part, though, is the dissolution of the control I just had to have over my food intake.  I used to literally freak out if I ran out of my usual 'safe foods'.  If I didn't have the breakfast foods that I was comfortable with, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  Same with lunch-- if we didn't have foods that I had deemed 'okay to eat', I just wouldn't eat.  Now, somehow, miraculously, food has lost its power over me.  Instead of planning my meals out way ahead of time, I now have the attitude of a 16-year old boy (again, much age-reverted improvement on my part ;) ).  It's more: open the fridge, "What do we have to eat?  I'm hungry!".


If I was British, this is where I would say: This is bloody brilliant!!


Getting here was NOT easy.  It sucked.  It sucked a big one.  I had to gain weight.  I gained about five pounds, and hated every one of them.  My body shape changed completely.  Instead of having a small top and a 'squishy' bottom, my body evened out.  My skinny arms got bigger, and my legs toned up.  I had to buy new pants because I went up a size.  Even the shape of my face changed!

In the beginning, I had a lot of binges because I didn't know how to control myself.  I didn't know if my body really wanted/needed something or if I was eating something for the sake of eating.  And I'll say it again, gaining those five pounds SUCKED.

But, overtime I have learned to like my bigger, more firm, healthy body (most of the time!).  I had to learn to like the way I looked, and somehow this improved my self-confidence.  A funny fact is that when I was in the throes of my ED, I felt ugly if I wasn't wearing make-up.  Like, HIDEOUS ugly.  In the last few months, I've grown to appreciate the way I look, even bare-faced.  I now only wear make-up when I feel like it, and wear much less of it. =)

On top of all that, a couple of months ago, I got a terrible haircut which prompted me to cut all my hair off.  I really think that my hair was the last security blanket from my 'ED days'.  With my long hair I kept comparing myself to the 'skinny me'.  Like, gosh I was so pretty and skinny back then with my long hair.  Well, my hair's still the same, so I technically *could* look that way again if I just lost a few pounds.  Chopping my hair off made me look entirely different.  With my hair way shorter (and cuter, I think!), I didn't look anything like the skinny/ED me.  It really was a final push to separate myself from my ED-ways... almost like a reward.
With my new hair, I even started changing up the way I dressed to fit my healthier body.  I was (am) inspired!  And inspiration can only lead to great things.
Overall, I'm not sure how important a 'new look' is for other Recoveries, but it really helped me embrace the new 'healthier me'.

But back to the reason why I finally decided to write this post.  To be honest, the reason that I decided to write it was because I wanted to show you guys that it is possible to get to a place where you're happy with what you're eating, and happy with how you're feeling and how you look.  I feel like I sound like a self-help book, but recovery is possible!  Full happiness is possible!  

But, even as I write this, I know that I'm still going to struggle on and off.  And you know what?  That's OK, and it's very normal. :)


I love you all so much, and couldn't have gotten to this place without all of your help, your kind words, and your support. <3

~Yasi

Positive Changes



I started this journey to becoming healthy in January of last year.  A year and a few months later, I'm at a much better place.  Of course, I have bad days.  But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is so much better.  Here are all the great things about being in a healthier place:

1.  I get to EAT!  I am able to eat yummy foods multiple times a day because that's normal and healthy.

2.  I can eat a variety of things without feelings terrible.

3.  I binge much less frequently since I'm not restricting myself.

4.  Food is GOOD!

5.  I have gotten to buy new clothes, especially pants.  Who doesn't love shopping?!

6.  My changing body has forced me to change the way I dress, and that's a good thing.  Variety is the spice of life.

7.  I lived through a bad haircut incident, which forced me to cut my long hair (that acted as my ED security blanket).  I now love my short hair, so much, that I got another haircut yesterday. =)

8.  My entire body has changed from working out.  I look healthy and STRONG.

9.  My legs, butt, and stomach are obvious, but they have wonderful definition.

10. I can be as active as I want, and I can use food to refuel.  I no longer sit around not doing things because I have no energy.

11. I can go out on hikes, run around, and do fun things with J and other people because I'm not afraid of what the food schedule will be.  I know that when I'm hungry, I can eat whatever is available.  And I'm actually OK with it.  Whoa!

12. I'm not afraid of bingeing while travelling, and of always worrying about food on my trips.  My normal eating lets me have a great time, and eat intuitively when I'm *hungry*.  Gasp!

13. And finally, I can enjoy food AND life-- at the same time!

=)


So, tell me, what are the great things about recovery for you?

Food is food is food

Today I ate a pop tart.

And it was grand!!

Ever since I got back on the recovery wagon I make sure that I'm never really hungry.  I carry fruit or some other form of food with me to make sure that I don't panic about what or when I'm going to eat.

Today I had breakfast around 9:00 am, then a snack of watermelon and wheat thins around 1:00 pm, and by 2:00 I was going to go to the gym.  I figured I didn't need a piece of fruit to take with me because I was going to go to the gym and I wasn't at all hungry. I'd just eat after the gym.  Well, I actually ended up leaving around 2:50 and I had to run some errands before the gym.

By the time I got to the gym it was 3:45 and I was full on STARVING!!  I started cursing myself for not grabbing a low-calorie snack of some kind to eat before the gym.  And I actually turned my car around to go home to grab something that I deemed "healthy/low cal/non-guilt".  But something in me, I'm gonna call it my ED-Rambo, did a swift roundhouse kick to my brain and knocked the non-sense out of me.

I was going to drive 15 minutes home and 15 minutes back to the gym just to grab a nectarine???  WTF, Yasi?!!

So, I decided to attempt to be normal--drive straight to the gym and get something out of the vending machine.

Now, there are a few questions:

1.  Why would you have a vending machine full of chips and cookies at the gym?  Why isn't there a healthier option?
2.  Would I dare eat one of those 'unhealthy' options?  Was I desperate enough?  Was I brave enough?

The answers are:

1.  Blame BP.  Because they deserve it.
2.  Yes, I dared to eat snack food out of a venting machine because food is food is FOOD.  It is fuel.  I wasn't going to let myself go hungry and pass out on the treadmill.  Yes, it's 400 calories and not very nutritionally dense, but I could easily burn it at the gym.

So, I opted for a cinnamon and brown sugar pop tart.  I sat at a little lounging table in my gym clothes and very excitedly ate my vending machine food.  It.was.THRILLING.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and dirty in front of everyone.  I was a BADASS.

However, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty afterwards.  I did.  I thought about that pop tart and the fact that I just willingly ate it.  But you know what?  What counts is that I DID eat it.  I took control of my body's cues and fed it fuel.  Because food is food is food.

I feel like I just ran a 5K under my usual time.  I feel like I accomplished something-- by eating a pop tart.

Ohhhh man, writing about recovery is hilarious (sometimes)!

=)

Thank you =)

Thank you everyone for your kind comments about my last post.  I was feeling so intensely overwhelmed. I cried for 3 hours straight!!!  And then I took a nap and woke up and felt better.

J and I resolved our issue that day, and my mom called me later in the night and our conversation was normal to good.

As for the body issues, they are still there.  I really do think I that want to slim down a couple of pounds for the wedding because I just don't feel like I look like myself.  I'm not starving myself at all.  I'm just going to continue going to the gym and I'm going to watch my portion sizes.

It's just that if there's one day that you want to look and feel your best it's your wedding day.  And if being a couple of pounds thinner will make me feel better then I think that's ok.

I realize that this looks like a slippery slope.  But I really need to do this for my own sanity in the next two months.  J knows that I'm doing it and we're discussing it and he's watching me.

I kind of feel like I'm letting you guys down a bit.  But as I said before, this is going to be the most captured day of my life and I just want to feel like myself.

The good news is that during this transformation I have learned how to eat really well and have learned to eat nutritious food (instead of keeping myself functioning with carbs!).

Again, thank you for all of your kind words.  They mean the world to me.

Fashion Post/Thank you

  Hi everybody!  Thank you for all of the responses in my last post.  It really means a lot to me when you comment.  And I hope that at least someone out there is getting something out of my blog.  At least it lets me get my crazy out.  Haha.

  Since last post was so deep and long, I figured I'd make this one short and fun.

  Today I went to the gym and went on the treadmill and the stair climber. I also did a bunch of new ab and core exercises that were REALLY fun!!  One of them used an exercise ball and the other one used a bosu ball.  I vowed to myself that I would try to look up new exercises every week to keep it fresh and fun.  P.S.  My abs KILL.  Literally, they are burning as I'm sitting here, and I exercised 3 hours ago.

  So, you may or may not know, but I LOVE fashion.  I love clothes, I love make-up, I love fun hair, I love it all.  And as my previous posts shows here I am an expert shopper!


  One of the funnest (why can't this be a word?!) parts [but sometimes crappiest, because of the disordered thoughts] of my day is putting a cool outfit together and getting dressed.  I really liked my outfit today and thought I would share it with you.  Once I put it together I realized "oh shit, I'm going to work, I can't wear THIS!", so I had to create an ok-for-work version.

Not (clinic) work appropriate

Work appropriate!

=) Have a great night!

The significance of 113.

Hi everyone!  I hope that everyone is having a pretty good week.  We are 2 days away from the weekend, which is always a good thing.

This post may or may not get long as I will attempt to explain my obsession with weight numbers.

I weighed myself for the first time after a month.  And I weighed the same as I had a month ago: 113.

113.  This is the number that I have had in my head the past few months.  113 is the number I must not go over.  Because in my head once I go above 113 there is no stopping the weight gain.

Now you must remember that the first eating disorder I developed was Binge Eating Disorder.  What I can remember is that I was a happy, healthy, skinny teenager and I weighed 113 pounds....and then I was a fat, unhealthy, and depressed teenager at 142 pounds.

So you can probably see why 113 is a holy number to me.  It is the last weight I remember being healthy and happy at.  When I was 13 years old, my weight was 113 pounds.  113 meant nothing to me.  It was just how much I weighed.  So, what?

Once my eating disorders developed I was obsessed with the damn number on the scale.  In my anorexic/restricting phases I would weigh myself 3-5 times a day.  I.kid.you.NOT.

I could gain and lose up to 10 pounds a week by bingeing or restricting.  I was chained to the scale.  I NEEDED to know what my weight was at all times.

A little while before my 21st birthday I moved out of my parents house.  In my new apartment I did not have a scale and my obsession with the weighing was somewhat broken.

About a year after being on my own I restricted very heavily.  I was ~106-107 pounds for 2 years.  For the last 2 years I had been around 108-109.  Slooooowwwwly creeping up.  But I was OK because it was under 110, which was less than my teenage 'happy' weight.
My goal for the past few years had been to keep under 110 because maybe I wasn't as thin as I should've been even at my 'teenage happy weight'.

Well guess what folks, with this whole healing process since January, I basically had to kiss 110 goodbye.  I haven't been 110 pounds for over 4 months.  Am I ok with it?  Yes and no.
No, because obviously I HATE, yes hate, the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than what I have weighed in the past 4-5 years.  No, because what if my weight keeps going up?  No, because I'm not rail thin anymore.  No, because 108 had become my supposed 'happy weight number', and now I'm 5 pounds over that.
BUT Yes, because I am eating.  I eat all 3 meals with healthy snacks in between.  I'm not starving myself.  I eat really healthy food and I binge much less frequently.  I enjoy grocery shopping and eating much more because I'm trying to not constantly worry about calories, but more about nutrition and fuel.  I feel healthier.

And then there is this dilemma that I have had.  I know I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But where the hell did the weight go?

When I look at myself, I pretty much like how my body looks.  I look pretty fit.  I don't look fat.  I don't look super skinny, but I think other people would say that I am 'thin'.

5 pounds ago I had more insecure thoughts about my body than I do now.  WHY?  why?why?

I don't understand.  I saw more flaws with my body when I was thinner than I do now.  I don't get it.

Maybe it's because I'm more toned now.  Or maybe it's because I've accepted the fact that I should start taking in a size 0 and a 2 pant in with me into the fitting room, because the 0s may not fit me.

But what I don't get is that when I was 108  and bingeing and restricting, and I gained 1 or 2 pounds I felt it immediately.  I felt it in my clothes, I felt it everywhere.  Now I weigh 5 pounds more than that and I still fit in my clothes.  They're more snug, but most of them fit.  I really don't think I look that different than when I was skinnier.  But five pounds is a LOT!!  I'm confused.

So why the eff was I so hard on myself when I weighed less?  And why/how am I less hard on myself now?  Maybe my self therapy is working and it was all in my head.

But the question really and truly is:  Where the fuck did weight go?  How can I still fit in my (skinny) clothes?

I mean I'm not complaining.  But it just makes me sad that I was so hard on myself when I weighed less than I do now.

So, 113.  That's what I've been for a while.  I'm almost 26 years old and I weigh the same as when I was 13 years old.  I guess that's something to be 'proud of'.  But somehow my disordered mind still taunts me with 'but you were able to get down to 107 for almost 4 years!  What is WRONG with you?  DO IT AGAIN!'

But I don't think I can.  Well, I can.  I don't think I will.

I'm ok.  I'll be ok.

This change needed to happen.  I really wish I didn't have to gain weight.  But at least I still look alright.

This is good.  This needed to happen.  I'm alright.

Here are some pictures from 3 years ago, and now.  I tried to find pictures that were similar in angle.   Even *I* realize now that I was too thin 3 years ago:

2007

2010

Yup, this turned into a long post.

:)

Pretty Food

  

    I am happy with my diet and my lifestyle: a simple statement that means a lot coming from a person recovering from disordered eating.  On top of that I have not weighed myself in over 2 weeks.  I'm feeling much less 'eating disordered' and much more 'health conscious'.  I've been going out of my way to try to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, nuts, and protein.  And I've barely eaten ANY junk-y food in the past couple of weeks.  

    Today was a really fun food day.  I had a schmorgasbord of different healthy foods and they were all absolutely delicious!  For breakfast I had the usual 2 pieces of 100% wheat toast with cream cheese and tea.  Before I went to the gym I had a plum and a handful of almonds (an excellent source of good fat).  After the gym I went grocery shopping and bought lots of yummy fresh foods.  In fact, there wasn't ONE thing in a container in my cart (well except the deodorant!).  On the way to the car I snacked on carrots, and once I got home I snacked on broccoli.  Then I made a fabulous dinner of salmon (This is SO EASY:  massage olive oil, lemon pepper, and salt on the salmon fillet, wrap in foil and put on the George Forman Grill for 15 minutes!), a salad (lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, avocados, with salt and pepper and raspberry vinaigrette dressing), and cheesy mashed potatoes from scratch (click here for recipe).  And I plan on eating some watermelon after dinner for dessert (YUM!!). 

    Between going to the gym with my friend and eating foods that resemble a rainbow, I am pretty damn jolly!  I thought it would be fun to break the foods down by color (Fun for ME!!  Not sure if it's fun for you to read, hehe)  :

Red- tamotoes

Green- broccoli, romaine lettuce, avocado, olive oil 

Orange-  carrots

Pink- salmon, watermelon

Purple- plum

yellow- cheese

Brown- almonds, 100% wheat bread

  The only rainbow color missing is blue and the only blue foods I can think of are blueberries!  Anywho, I have a few topics that I would like to blog about in the near future including:

-Why 113 pounds is such a "critical" number to me

-Being forced to eat out and the stress it causes

-The value put on thinness and body image and body dysmorphia

    But I may not be able to blog a lot in the next week or so because I'm graduating and my parents are coming in for the week!!

    So tell me, when you eat do you think of the nutritional content and try to eat a 'well-balanced' diet or do you just look at calories or fat? (I used to do the latter, now I do the former)

    Also, is there anything in particular you'd like to read a post about?

    Have a great week everyone!!

  :)

Kick Ass, Magnolias, and Cheesy Mashed Potatoes from Scratch

  I kicked my own ass today with my work out.  It was really gorgeous out so I opted out of going to the gym and decided to go for a run instead.  Well, it turned out to be a wog (walk-jog =)) because after 10 minutes of running, I had a cramp in my oblique and it hurt like a bitch!  So I had to space out running and walking.

  I wogged for 35 minutes and really took in the sunshine and the blooming magnolia trees.  Growing up, my aunt had a giant magnolia tree in her yard.  My favorite time of year was when that tree bloomed.  It was so pure and beautiful.  And I'm lucky enough to live in a neighborhood with a thousand magnolia trees blooming every where!

  Anyway, after I came back home I did strength training exercises  (~30 minutes)  with my 5 and 8 pound dumbbells.  I would tell you what they were, but I have no idea what some of them are called.  All I know is that my bum was burning and that I couldn't wait till my ab exercises, just so I could lay on my back and be off my feet!  Feeeeel the burn baby.  And feel the burn, I did =D

  Here is my food log for the day, but I'll keep it nice and sweet since I'm a creature of habit:

*Breakfast:
-Same thing I eat every day (and love!)

*Lunch:
-PB&J
-1/4 cup milk

*Dinner:
- Boiled egg/avacado/tomato/carrot/lettuce/raspberry vin. dressing salad
-cheesy mashed potatos

*Snack:
-tea (LOVE tea!)

  I do want say that I have been trying very hard to actually *make* everything that I put in my mouth.  Well, except things like bread, pasta, cheese, yogurt and milk.  Mostly because I don't live on a farm and have a cow named Betsy.  But I did want to share with you how I make my cheesy mashed potatoes because I've been asked by multiple people.

  I actually make the cheesy mashed potatoes from scratch.  It's easy and takes 10 minutes, tops.

****Cheesy Mashed Potatoes:

1.  Wash potato thoroughly and poke holes everywhere with a fork or a knife.  I like to break the potato apart a little so it can breath.

2.  Wrap potato in several layers of paper towel.  Run the potato+paper towel under water so that the paper towels are completely soaked.

3.  Microwave wrapped potato on high for 7-10 minutes.

4.  Be careful when removing the potato-- do it with an oven mitt!  Remove potato and place in bowl.

5.  Mash potato with a fork.  Add some water so that your potato is easier to mash.

6.  Add a tiny bit of butter and mix with mashed potatoes.

7.  Put any type of cheese that you like on top of your mashed potatoes.  I used to put sharp cheddar on top, but now I put 1 slice of 2% American cheese.  Microwave bowl with mashed potatoes and cheese for 1 minute.

8.  Take bowl out and mix cheese with mashed potatoes.  Season to taste:  I like salt and pepper.

=)  Enjoy eating your own mashed potatoes, made from scratch!



  On a final note, I REALLY need to go grocery shopping.  I am now completely out of fresh fruits and veggies & I hate not being able to eat them.

  So tell me, have you done a kick ass work out recently?

Thighs, schmighs!

I have always been uncomfortable with my thighs, mostly the upper-outter thigh-ass (thass!  Hee!).  One of the most vivid memories of my thigh problems is from when I was around eleven.  We were at the mall and I was begging my mom to buy me bellbottoms.  My mom was getting a little annoyed because these pants were all the new rage and they were EXPENSIVE.  No I mean, really, they were very expensive for '96.  I'm talkin' like 60 bucks people!  We tried on a few pants and after a little while my mom said the most horrid thing you could say to an 11 year old.  "Those pants just don't flatter your thighs.  Your thighs and butt are too big for pants like this and these pants don't look that great on you."  *Collective sharp inhale*  And ever since that day, I have always been self conscious of my thighs and my butt.

  But in all reality she was partly right.  I have an hour glass, sometimes pear, body-shape that does not look like your typical 'American girl' body.  Oh and that probably has something to do with the fact that I'm Persian, and not American.  I do not have a pencil shape to my body.  There are curves.  And since most of the clothing here in the States (and really EVERYWHERE) is made for straight body types, I have always battled with the way my thighs/butt look in clothing.  Now, I am not saying I have a big badonkadunk- because I don't.  But my thighs and my butt have never been really 'in shape', which is probably because I was never really involved with sports or any activities that were, well, active.  

  And until this January, I have never really been one to exercise (well except for those 4 mile runs every morning at 6 am when I was 19.  But that's a story for another day!).  So throughout my weight loss and weight gain and weight loss (...) my thighs and butt remained this non-toned area that I always hated.  Even at my thinnest, 106 pounds, I still didn't like the way my thass looked.  For some people it's their stomach, but for me my thighs and butt has been the area that make me feel fat.  

  So, you ask, why am I rambling on about my thighs and butt?

  I am rambling on about these particular lower body areas because my issues with my thass have significantly decreased since I began working out.  As I said in a previous post, my body shape has changed since I began eating well (as in eating at all meal times and not restricting myself) and exercising.  I have not lost weight.  In fact, I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But to be completely honest, my body looks better than it's ever looked.  Where before, I was this frail bony person on top with a semi-shquishy thass, I am now a bit bigger on top (YAY arm muscles!) and my thighs and butt have firmed up (see pix ^).  I'm no longer extremely self-concious of my thighs.  In fact, I like wearing shorts now because my legs look toned and puuuuurdy.  =D

  Now, I am not insanely *thrilled* that I gained weight.  Some days I get really down about it (hence the 2 previous posts).  But days like today, when I stare at my body in the mirror (You know you do it too!), I think "wow, my body looks solid.  I look toned.  I actually look healthy.".  Not, "my body looks frail and skinny, but uggh my thass still looks squishy- oh well, at least my top is super duper skinny and I look thin".  Today I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw because I looked like a healthy 25 year old who takes care of her body.  I didn't look emaciated.  I didn't look squishy.  I just looked healthy.  And when I looked in the mirror, I just liked the way I looked.  I realized that I didn't look extremely thin, but I didn't look fat either.

  On another note, all of my clothes still fit--they just fit differently.  I do think that a lot of the weight that I have gained has been in my thighs and butt and in my arms.  But my legs and my butt aren't fatter.  They do, however, take up more room in my clothes.  Like, my jeans fit tighter, but they don't look bad. Because my thighs look toned and my butt is raised and toned.  My shorts fit tighter, but they don't look bad, because of the same reasons.

  And another thing--I know I said in my last post that I'm going to try to lose weight for the dress fitting, but I'm not really sure if that's a priority anymore.  My priority will be to go to the gym consistently and to be fit and toned, not to lose weight.  Honestly, if I really think about it, even with a 5 pound weight gain all of my clothes still fit and look good.  So what if I gained a few pounds?  As long as I'm still fitting into my clothes (even if they fit a bit differently) I'm a happy camper!

  So, I think that was a really long post, but I had sort of a break-through, and it's always important to post about those!

  So tell me, have you had any break-throughs recently?

Easter, oh Easter

Easter, what did you do to me?  All my good eating and exercising went out the window for 5 days.  Yech.

My future mother in law gave me a basket of candy, chocolate, cake, etc.  This beautiful Easter basket contained so much goodness that the goodies literally levitated from the basket and into my mouth.  My teeth barely did any chewing.  Ladies and gentlemen, I think I may have my ticket to fame: food levitation followed by complete disappearance of all food in the room.

I feel gross.  I gained a couple of pounds.  Now, weight fluctuates during the day, so I might have not actually gained that much, but I gained a couple FOR SURE.  And on top of that, I just feel like yuck.

But I went to the gym today (Thursday).  And it was actually a great workout.  The last time I went was Saturday- a great 2-hour run/weight training workout with J.  So, yes, it took me a few days to get back into the swing of things, but I went to the gym.  And since this is a lifestyle change, that's all I can do.  I can't give up like I used to and just say that I effed it up, so it's not worth a damn anymore.  All I can do is get back on this ride and keep on truckin'.  So, guess what, BEEP BEEP, coming through!

Here is my food diary for today.  I tried to keep my caloric/fat intake low in order to shed the Easter calories which are probably on an egg hunt somewhere in my rather larger behind.

Breakfast:

-2 1/2 servings of Cheerios multi grain with 2% milk (J introduced me to this and it is sooooooo deicious and filling!!  I may never switch back to buying Honey Nut Cheerios!  *gasp*)

Lunch:

-60 calorie Light & Fit yogurt

-1 apple

-1 Nature Valley Honey& Oats bar

Dinner:

-3 oz salmon with salad (avocado's, tomatos, lettuce, raspberry vinaigrette) and cheesy mashed potatoes (from scratch)

After dinner snack:

-3 Dove Dark chocolate miniatures with decaffeinated tea

Oh and a weird thing happened today.  During my drive home from the gym I started craving a tomato with salt.  My brain kept repeating the word tomato tomato tomato tomato and I could almost taste it in my mouth.  So I did what any girl with a craving would do:  I stood over the sink and ate a tomato with salt.  What the heck?  Who craves a tomato?!  Was my body low on Lycopene or something?  haha

Have you had any weird cravings lately?

Food, nutrition, and set-points

  This will be a long post, but it's a good one!!

  I just got back from the gym, where I had a fabulous workout.  I did 30 minutes of elliptical, and 40 minutes of weight training/ab-work.  And I came out to 60 degree weather outside.  I think the endorphins and the fabulous weather have made me high on life!!

  But, one of the reasons that I am extra happy is because I weighed myself today after not having gone on the scale for about 2 weeks.  To tell you the honest truth, I was scared of going on there since I hadn't really worked out a ton the past 2 weeks, but I had been eating 3 meals a day and not ever really going hungry.  I was absolutely positive that I had gained weight, even if it didn't show that much in my clothes.  But I figured, what the hey, I need to see what my weight is.  I truly expected 115 (Lb) since the last time I weighed myself I was ~ 112 or so.

  So, once I got to the gym I made a beeline for the scale, took off my shoes, and awaited the moment of truth.  And the arrow landed on 110.3 or something.  What?!  I LOST weight??  Now, let me just reiterate that my goal in this journey isn't to lose weight, but to get healthy without gaining a ton of weight.  But a girl can be happy about a little weight loss, right?! ;)  But in all reality the actual reason that I was ecstatic was that I have been eating normal healthy meals without restricting my calories (eating 3 times a day plus healthy snacks in between), and I hadn't been working my butt off at the gym. So what does this tell me?  It tells me that my body has pretty much found its set-point: the weight that it's comfortable at.

  People DO YOU REALIZE what this means to me?!!?!?!  This means that I can eat like a normal person, not having to skip meals and I won't turn into a whale!!!  This means that my body is happy, and that the food that I am feeding my body is being used for energy, not being stored in my thass (thigh-ass area).  This also means that maybe I was slowing down my own metabolism before when I was restricting calories and not eating lunch.  Because I eat all the time now and my body isn't clinging to the weight like a lifeboat.  I would, in fact, call today a break-through.  If I had a therapist, I'm pretty sure that's what it would be called.  Can I get an Amen?!

  Also, since I started this healthy lifestyle journey back in January, I have noticed some changes in my body.  Obviously I'm a bit heavier (~3 pounds) than I have been for the past few years, but it's probably just muscle gain.  I used to have very skinny arms and upper body and flat but not super hard stomach (calorie restriction and good genes) and kinda of cushiony butt and cushiony upper thigh region.  I especially disliked the outer sides of my thighs.  Now my arms and upper body have gotten a bit bigger (and much stronger), my stomach is more muscular and hard (still pretty flat, but it's not as "in" as it used to be), my butt has toned and has lifted up, my upper thighs are hard and toned, and the sides of my thighs are not much of an issue anymore.  So, my best way of describing the way my body has changed is to say that my weight has redistributed.  Before I used to have a tiny top and a heavier bottom, and now I look very balanced.  I think I like it =)

  So, enough jibber jabber for today... Here is my food log and since it's only 3:30 pm, I'll guess what I'm to be eating the rest of the day.

Breakfast:

-100% wheat bagel with 1/3 fat philly cream cheese+ tea (Can you tell that I'm a creature of habit when it comes to my breakfasts? ;)  Most people would find eating the same thing boring.  I, on the other hand, look forward to it! )

Mid-morning snack:

-1 apple

Lunch:

-Tuna sandwich:  2 pieces of 100% wheat bread+ 1 can of bumble bee tuna + celery + 1 2% American cheese slice

Afternoon snack (guess):

-Light & Fit strawberry yogurt

Dinner (guess):

-Shrimp stir fry over brown rice

Late night snack (guess):

- 2 or 3 Dove chocolates with tea

  Oh and before I forget, I sometimes use Caloriecount.com to track my calories and the nutritional value of the foods that I eat.  Well, this website now has an 'analysis' button which analyzes the nutritional value of what you ate that day.  Like it tells you if you need more fats or proteins or carbs, and it also tells you if you are getting a good amount of Vitamin C or other nutrition info.  I think this is an amazing tool!  Especially if your goal is to eat nutritious food, not just weight loss or something of that sort.  Anyway, just thought I'd share =)

I hope you are all having an amazing day!

  

  

Get back in the groove, lazy!

I have not worked out for FIVE days.  This is the longest I've gone without working out since January.  And I feel like a lazy bum!  I have gotten up every day saying that by the end of the day I will either go to the gym or go running outside.  But I have managed to come up with a multitude of uninteresting tasks to do instead of working out (work on thesis, work on internship literature search assignment...).  I really and truly don't know what got me out of my rhythm, but something did.  The only thing that I can do is just do it tomorrow.  So, hopefully I will be reporting in having done some type of a work out tomorrow night!

Here's my food diary for today:

Breakfast:
-wheat bagel w/ 1/3 fat philly cream cheese + tea

Lunch:
-nature valley bar + 2 eggs

Afternoon snack:
-kiwi fruit

Dinner:
-cheesy mashed potato with fish

After dinner snack:
-2 Dove dark chocolates w/ non-caffeinated (!) earl grey tea <~~~~~~~Amazing at night =D

Oh and to mention, I ate pretty badly this weekend.  As in, I got one of those ready-to-bake chocolate chip cookie things and finished off the whole thing.  By myself.  Quite the accomplishment!  I am disappointed with my eating this weekend and the fact that I haven't worked out.  But, I can't punish myself.  I just have to get back into my normal routine.

Wish me luck!  (And hope that I work out tomorrow, haha)

Running running

I had the most AMAZING run today!  It was 60 degrees and beautiful out, and I just couldn't imagine being inside in a gym.  But I had to work out, so I went out and bought a couple of dumbbells (5 pounds and 8 pounds).  Once I got home, I strapped on my trustee Nike sneaks that I bought around the time when J and I started dating (almost 5 years ago!).  In fact, he was on the phone with me when I was buying them, haha.  Anyway, I put on my sneaks and did a 2-minute brisk walk, and then I started to run.  After 5 minutes I thought "HOLY CRAP!!  I just ran 5 minutes straight!! I should see if I can run the whole time..."  And guess what, I DID!! I ran for 25 minutes straight.  And I am not a runner.  So that means that my working out 3 times a week have made me much stronger and fit.  I then came home and did 40 minutes of strength training.  I am so happy.  I cannot express how excited I am to report this exercise triumph!

  Oh and I also made shrimp stir fry for dinner.  What a fabulous day =D

Are you a Runner? Because you look like one.

Hello blog-world! ( WOW.  that was so incredibly dorky that I'm even a bit embarrassed.)

Ok now...

I had a hard-core session at the gym today.  I mean it was HARD.CORE.  There were 3 guys from the MSU basketball or football or something team at the gym.  And while I was doing my crazy hand-weight and ab work outs and sweating like a jungle creature (actually, do animals sweat?), I looked over at them and thought "You're probably all thinking, man this girl is INTENSE... it's kinda intimidating, and you know what- I AM".  I always find guy/girl dynamics so interesting at the gym.  Like today.  They guys are working out in a group, being loud, trying to get attention, trying to get the crazy-sweating-jungle-creature to look at them, but hey guess what this creature is having such a freaking good workout that she's gonna completely ignore you.  She is JUST.THAT.BADASS.

But in all reality, I didn't actually fully realize until today how much stronger my body has gotten since I began working out this January.  On the hip abductor, I have gone up from two 75-80-pounds sets of 20, to two 95-110-pound sets of 20.  On the butt machine I have increased from 120 to 130 pounds ( 3 sets of 10).  And my abs have gotten super tight and strong.  I actually did sort of a show-off ab-move today just to see if I could do it.  I lay on my back on the mat, and reached my hands behind my head and held onto this large square column thing that is connected from the gym floor to the ceiling,I put my feet together and stretched my legs out on the mat, and then I raised them and lowered them very slowly for many, many, reps. It was awesome!! You're usually supposed to do that move with a spotter, and I couldn't even do it when I was 14! Here is sorta what it looks like:

http://cdn-viper.demandvideo.com/media/fcc24ca5-dbb1-450d-a51e-d085af44a6e1/jpeg/80d7e7c4-1f98-44d3-a449-626a73deb62d_6.jpg

And the cherry on top was that when I was getting off of the hip-abductor machine there was this man next to me. He asked me if what I was doing was hard and I said "well, yes, I was pressing 110 pounds and then switched to 95 and that's a lot of weight!". And he said "wow, you made it look easy!" He then asked me if I was a runner and I said "No, I just work out here 4 times a week". And he said "Oh, you look like a runner". I cannot tell you how that is *music to my hears*. I LOVE the way runner's body's look. So, yes, take THAT bad-body-image-day-of-yesterday! I look like a runner! A 50 year old man said so! *Shifting eyes* Haha.

Here's a quick list of what I ate today. I haven't had dinner yet because I have Persian dance practice in 20 minutes.

Breakfast:
-100% wheat bagel, 1/3 fat philly cream cheese, tea

Mid-morning snack:
-50 calorie Light & Fit

Lunch:
-2 hard boiled eggs, 1 orange

Mid-afternoon snack:
-1 piece of 100% wheat bread, One 10-calorie jello snack

Ok, I gotta get ready for dance practice. Yay for a good body-image day! But I will leave you with this. It's really interesting/ridiculous how much stock we put into what other people say about us. I have the same exact body as I did yesterday, yet today I feel like a champion and yesterday I felt like poo.

Now chew that little nugget.

Grocery Shopping

Today was a good day.

As I write this, I am laying in bed covered with two blankets, even though it was almost 50 degrees out all day.  My two cats are taking cat naps around me, mostly because I'm too comfy to get up and let them out of my room (they tried begging for, like, 5 seconds and then plopped down).

Today was a pretty busy day, and I didn't get some of the stuff I wanted to get done, but I did go grocery shopping!  I know, I know, grocery shopping-- snooooooore.  Well, I absolutely LOVE grocery shopping. I don't really like the actually dragging myself to the store after work part, but once I'm in door it's as if the gates of heaven have opened!  Everything that I could think of (mostly) in one place?  Yes, please!

I got a great variety of food and I semi-violated the Golden Rule of Grocery Shopping... I didn't fully stick to my list.
However, I did get great 180 calorie bagels, 2% milkfat American cheese, Jello cups, Light & Fit yogurts, and black plums.  And this is all on top of my usual lettuce, tomatoes, apples, oranges, chicken, fish, tuna, cat food, etc list.  And according to J (fiance), tuna should be lumped in under cat food because "cats and humans should NOT eat the same things, and if your cats like it you shouldn't eat it!".  Can you tell he hates tuna?  One time he actually physically removed himself from the room in which I was eating tuna because "the smell makes (him) gag".  That being said, I had to buy 8 cans of tuna- 4 for me, 4 for the cats ;)

Since this week is Spring Break for my university, the gym that I belong to (university gym) closes at 7 pm.  I didn't get done grocery shopping until 5:30, and I usually need a good hour and fifteen minutes at the gym.  This doesn't include the 15 minute drive there and changing out of my work clothes, etc.  And I also didn't want to leave my groceries sitting in my car for that long.  So I decided to skip the gym for today and work out at home.

My at home work-out was semi-satisfying because I didn't get to do my 40 minutes of the elliptical and step-thingy machine, and I didn't get to do my leg and butt machines.  So I spent about 40 minutes doing my normal mat-work with 3-pound weights that I had at home and I tried a few new exercises.  But it made me wish that I had heavier weights.  I got two 3-pounds dumbbells when I first started exercising 4 times a week in January, but now I'm up to 5 and 8 pounds weights, and the 3 pound weights were kind of silly.  But hey, at least I got some exercise in and I ate really well.

Also, I'm thinking of putting up a food-diary of what I ate during the day.  What do you guys thing about that?  Is that something that would be interesting?

I will put one up for today anyway.  As a disclaimer, I forgot to set my alarm and didn't wake up until 10 am (when J called me), and I didn't eat 'breakfast' until 11:30!  Don't worry, I didn't have to be at work until 1 pm :)

*Breakfast (11:30):

-2 slices of 100% wheat toast with 1/3 fat Philly cream cheese and tea

*Lunch/weird mid-afternoon snack (3:00 pm):

-hard-boiled egg, carrots

*Late-afternoon snack (5:00 pm):

-a honeycrisp apple (Yum...my favorite kind!)

*Dinner (8:30 pm):

-3 oz salmon left over from last night, 1/2 cup of pasta with Ragu and parmesan cheese, yummy salad (lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, carrots, chickpeas, with a raspberry vinaigrette dressing)

*Late-night snack (9:45):

-10-calorie strawberry jello and raspberry light and fit

So all in all, it was a pretty healthy, non-binging day.  I tried to get my fruits, veggies, protein, carbs, and fat by incorporating a variety of different foods into my meals.  The only screwy thing was that most of my meals were pushed back a few hours, because of my apparent inability to set an alarm.

So, tell me, how was your day?  How was your exercise/food experience today?