Weight loss blogs and eating disorders

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I came of age during a time when the internet was just beginning to get popular.  In middle and high school, I still had to do my school research in a real library (imagine that!).  Even though I have been active in social networking sites for quite a few years, I didn't know what personal blogging was until a couple of years ago, let alone see the point of it.

As you can see in my story here, I have a lot of experience with yo-yo dieting, restriction, and large amounts of weight loss.  What really brought this post about was that I happened to come across a genre of blogs dedicated to weight loss and dieting.  The authors of these blogs usually list their stats directly on the front page of their sites (height, weight, % fat, current weight, goal weight, weight loss, weight loss per week/month/year, etc...).  Their blogs focus on what they are eating, the diets that they are on, how much they are exercising, and how they can't wait until they reach their weight loss goals.  These sites are also riddled with 'thinspiration' images and pictures of the author's own weight loss. 

While I 'get' the fact that these blogs may help some people shed a few pounds, in terms of a weight-loss support community, I also find myself having very intense and negative feelings toward them.  Because of my story, and because of my experience with weight loss and dieting leading to eating disorders, I am extremely weary of the slippery slope that websites like these present.

Many of these blogs discuss 'being bad' and 'being good' with regards to food.

As in...

"My friends bought me a birthday cake for my birthday, and I didn't have ONE bite.  I was so good!  It was difficult, but I am so proud of myself!"

or chastising posts like...

"I was SO bad this weekend.  I went to a party and ate so many BAD foods.  I totally broke my diet.  I'm so mad at myself.  Why can't I just control myself around food?"

(Just to clarify... the above examples of posts are fictional.  But, they are thoughts that I have previously written in my own journals, and they are very similar, thematically, to what I have found on many weight-loss blogs.)

Having gone through similar scenarios, I know that once you start categorizing food as 'good' or 'bad', you're in trouble.  Food is fuel.  Calories and fats are gas for your engine.  It makes me so sad to see that these beautiful people are breaking down their happiness into how much weight they did or didn't lose.  It devastates me to see they view their lives as somewhat incomplete until they get to that 'goal weight'.

But, the reason that I'm so bothered is that I could have been one of them.

I feel so lucky that I didn't have the access to blogs when I was going through the height of my weight loss or yo-yo dieting.  All I had to 'vent' in were my own personal journals-- a place where I could keep my crazy thoughts safe and sound.  A place where no one but me could "comment" on what I had written. 

Nobody else but me could instantly 'congratulate' me on my weight loss, or give me tips on how to lose weight.

If I had been a blogger at the height of my eating disorder, I would have inevitably had a thinspiration or weight loss blog.  I would have felt pressure and competition with other weight loss bloggers, and I'm positive that my eating disorder would have been incredibly more detrimental that it was.

I want so badly to tell every one of these bloggers that diets DON'T work.  Most people find that it is tremendously difficult to stay on a restrictive diet, and there are usually three outcomes: maintained weight loss (if your body is naturally happy with the lower weight), weight gain greater or equal to what was lost, or, in the worst case, continous disordered eating for the rest of one's life.

I'm certainly not one to want to discourage people from getting healthy.  I just want to save them from the inevitable crash that is to come if they strive to keep their weight at a place that is not comfortable for their body.  I want to save them from years of disordered thinking.  I want to tell them to eat intuitively, let their weight land where it may, and accept their bodies   I want to tell them that they are beautiful, and that they should throw out the scale.

And I've tried.  I've done all of the above.  But, most of the time it doesn't make a difference. 

Because they haven't learned all the lessons.
They havent gone through the experiences.
They haven't been disillusioned by the diet and weight-loss world.

Because they still believe that once they get to that goal weight they can start living.

And nothing that I say will change their beliefs, just as nothing that anyone told me in the throes of my ED changed mine.


How do you feel about weight loss/thinspiration blogs? 
(I didn't get into pro-ana blogs because that is a long post in and of itself!)

Do you think that it's possible for weight loss blogs to lead to eating disorders?

♡Yasi

I have one thing to say...

FUCK U Ed.  Fuck you and your treacherous ways.


I went to Chicago this wknd and really watched what I ate.  I came home yesterday and was starving so I ate a bunch of stuff including chocolate.  I went on the scale today and was at 112.  Apparently I gained 3 pounds while watching what I ate attentively.

I crumbled on the inside.  Then I went on the treadmill and realized how strong my legs had gotten from working out.

Ed, I will literally kick your ass.  I will physically beat you up.  You weak little piece of shit.


Fuck you.

I'm going to Virginia to visit my best friend tomorrow and I'll be damned if I restrict myself.  I had all of these plans of how I was going to forgo food and bla bla.  Eff that.  I'm going to enjoy my vacation.  Read:  I'm not going to stuff my face, but I'm not going to starve myself.  I'm gonna eat right along with everybody.

I have my dress fitting on July 21st.  I will eat normally up until then.  If I feel like a cow while trying on my dress I will consider restricting my eating 2 weeks before the wedding and losing a couple of pounds.

But this is not sustainable.  I love working out too much.  And I like being able to enjoy food with everybody.  So much of life revolves around physical activity and food.

Anyway.  I am going to enjoy my vacation in 100 degree Virginia.  I will live in my bikini and like my strong thighs and body.

I refuse to starve.  I want to have fun.

Love u all.

Will write soon =)

Food, nutrition, and set-points

  This will be a long post, but it's a good one!!

  I just got back from the gym, where I had a fabulous workout.  I did 30 minutes of elliptical, and 40 minutes of weight training/ab-work.  And I came out to 60 degree weather outside.  I think the endorphins and the fabulous weather have made me high on life!!

  But, one of the reasons that I am extra happy is because I weighed myself today after not having gone on the scale for about 2 weeks.  To tell you the honest truth, I was scared of going on there since I hadn't really worked out a ton the past 2 weeks, but I had been eating 3 meals a day and not ever really going hungry.  I was absolutely positive that I had gained weight, even if it didn't show that much in my clothes.  But I figured, what the hey, I need to see what my weight is.  I truly expected 115 (Lb) since the last time I weighed myself I was ~ 112 or so.

  So, once I got to the gym I made a beeline for the scale, took off my shoes, and awaited the moment of truth.  And the arrow landed on 110.3 or something.  What?!  I LOST weight??  Now, let me just reiterate that my goal in this journey isn't to lose weight, but to get healthy without gaining a ton of weight.  But a girl can be happy about a little weight loss, right?! ;)  But in all reality the actual reason that I was ecstatic was that I have been eating normal healthy meals without restricting my calories (eating 3 times a day plus healthy snacks in between), and I hadn't been working my butt off at the gym. So what does this tell me?  It tells me that my body has pretty much found its set-point: the weight that it's comfortable at.

  People DO YOU REALIZE what this means to me?!!?!?!  This means that I can eat like a normal person, not having to skip meals and I won't turn into a whale!!!  This means that my body is happy, and that the food that I am feeding my body is being used for energy, not being stored in my thass (thigh-ass area).  This also means that maybe I was slowing down my own metabolism before when I was restricting calories and not eating lunch.  Because I eat all the time now and my body isn't clinging to the weight like a lifeboat.  I would, in fact, call today a break-through.  If I had a therapist, I'm pretty sure that's what it would be called.  Can I get an Amen?!

  Also, since I started this healthy lifestyle journey back in January, I have noticed some changes in my body.  Obviously I'm a bit heavier (~3 pounds) than I have been for the past few years, but it's probably just muscle gain.  I used to have very skinny arms and upper body and flat but not super hard stomach (calorie restriction and good genes) and kinda of cushiony butt and cushiony upper thigh region.  I especially disliked the outer sides of my thighs.  Now my arms and upper body have gotten a bit bigger (and much stronger), my stomach is more muscular and hard (still pretty flat, but it's not as "in" as it used to be), my butt has toned and has lifted up, my upper thighs are hard and toned, and the sides of my thighs are not much of an issue anymore.  So, my best way of describing the way my body has changed is to say that my weight has redistributed.  Before I used to have a tiny top and a heavier bottom, and now I look very balanced.  I think I like it =)

  So, enough jibber jabber for today... Here is my food log and since it's only 3:30 pm, I'll guess what I'm to be eating the rest of the day.

Breakfast:

-100% wheat bagel with 1/3 fat philly cream cheese+ tea (Can you tell that I'm a creature of habit when it comes to my breakfasts? ;)  Most people would find eating the same thing boring.  I, on the other hand, look forward to it! )

Mid-morning snack:

-1 apple

Lunch:

-Tuna sandwich:  2 pieces of 100% wheat bread+ 1 can of bumble bee tuna + celery + 1 2% American cheese slice

Afternoon snack (guess):

-Light & Fit strawberry yogurt

Dinner (guess):

-Shrimp stir fry over brown rice

Late night snack (guess):

- 2 or 3 Dove chocolates with tea

  Oh and before I forget, I sometimes use Caloriecount.com to track my calories and the nutritional value of the foods that I eat.  Well, this website now has an 'analysis' button which analyzes the nutritional value of what you ate that day.  Like it tells you if you need more fats or proteins or carbs, and it also tells you if you are getting a good amount of Vitamin C or other nutrition info.  I think this is an amazing tool!  Especially if your goal is to eat nutritious food, not just weight loss or something of that sort.  Anyway, just thought I'd share =)

I hope you are all having an amazing day!

  

  

The history

First off,  I promise to never have a post as long as this.  But given the fact that I have been dealing with disordered eating for over a decade now, an in depth history is a must!  I will be chronicling my journey to really overcome my disordered eating and I'll try to post every day =)  Happy (long) reading!!  Oh and please comment if you'd like--  I'd love to read your thoughts!

I have been admitting the fact that I have an eating disorder (s) for about 8 years now.  But in reality, I've been dealing with disordered eating and body image issues since I was probably 14 years old.  I'm not really sure what triggered it.  It could have been a slue of things.

I'm Persian, and like all Persian women I have naturally bigger upper thighs and butt.  I went to All-American schools where everyone was tall and lanky and extremely thin.  I always thought, why does my body not look like that?  But before I was in high school it wasn't a HUGE thing.  I was too busy being a kid to really worry about my body-image issues.

To boot, I have a mother who is very body-concious, and has been for as long as I can remember.  She is a very petite, beautiful, and thin woman, but she was/is never thin enough for her own liking.

So once high school started, I realized just how different my body looked from the other girl's.  They had legs that were long and thin and beautiful, and mine had stopped growing in the 8th grade.  Mind you, I was always a thin girl, but being 5'2" doesn't leave much room for loooong skinny legs.

During freshman year of high school I joined the softball team.  Everyone would bring and eat lots of unhealthy snacks.  We were 14.  That's what we did.  But for some reason, other people could stop eating junk food, and I just couldn't.  I would get around ritz crackers and cheese and keep eating until I was too embarrassed to eat any longer.  Why?  I have no idea.  It could be the fact that around this age my mom told me that if I ate a lot of bad snack food I would get fat, so I should only have a couple of cookies.  But it's not like she physically tore me away from the cookies.  So yes, that's when it all began.

I remember, at 14 I weighed 113 pounds.  And after a while I started feeling like I was so fat.  In my mind, I was way past 'normal eating' and wanted to have control over my body shape and food intake.  I split food up into 'Good' and 'Bad' foods.  Good Foods were things like carrots, bananas, and jello- very low calorie, very unsatisfying!  The Bad Foods list was much much longer.  It includes things like cookies, chips, cheetos, ice cream, chocolate, and many other things.  And every time I got around 'bad foods' I got so excited and freaked out that I felt like I was fighting an urge to 'go in for the kill'.  I saw these foods as the evil that was tempting me and keeping me away from my lanky legs and non-existant American waist.  And the more I resisted, the better and more awesome-er I was.  God it felt good to look a box of ice cream in the eye and put it back in the freezer.  But then an hour later I would find myself on the couch with a bag of cookies, two bags of cheetos, and a couple of bags of chips.  You see, once I ate even one cookie (a BAD food), I had RUINED my eating habits and my 'goodness' for that day.  So I might as well have eaten whatever else was in the house.  And if I had something sweet, I then wanted something salty, and then I wanted something sweet again.  And man, did I inhale the food.  I ate so fast that I didn't even taste most of what I was putting in my mouth.  And I wouldn't stop shoveling all kinds of crap into my mouth until my stomach hurt.  I would also hide food and eat it when others weren't looking.  It was so sad.

So, you can kind of see the predicament that I was in.  Obviously I couldn't control myself around Bad Foods,  so I had to keep as far away from them as possible.  But it's so hard when it's all around you.  What do you do???

After a couple of years of secretly doing this, I realized that something was really wrong, I had gained 30 pounds!  And I HATED food.  But if I hated it, why did I shovel it into my mouth like it was going out of style?  So, I did what most people would have done and googled my symptoms.  It turned out that I had an eating disorder (duh!) that was called Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

Once I figured out that was suffering from BED, I tried to think of ways that I could fix myself.  But it was just so hard.  And the other hard thing was that no one in my family believed that I had an eating disorder.  They just thought I had a lack of will power.  And when I explained to them that I honestly could not control myself around food, they just laughed and said I was being dramatic.

Basically, my life sucked.  I was so tortured by thoughts of food- of eating it or not eating it.  I thought about food about 85% of the time that I was awake.  I kept food journals and recorded my feelings and what I ate that day.  I tried a gazillion different diets to try to lose the weight and get my 'will power' back.  Nothing worked.  I stopped going out to eat with my friends because I knew that I couldn't control myself around food and I didn't want to ruin a 'Good Eating Day'. And then sad part is that this was all before I was 18.  During 'Good Weeks' I could lose up to 10 pounds!  This was usually done when there was a big party or something coming up.  I would eat extremely restrictively.  And during 'Bad Weeks' I could gain up to that amount.  Apparently along with my eating disorders I had also become Elastigirl!  I could get big or small at the blink of an eye.   I would weigh myself at LEAST 3 times a day.  I was absolutely obsessed with food and with my weight.

Once I turned 18, I started college at a state university.  My parents, being Persian, had me stay at home (woohoo!  Not really). The summer after college I went overseas for ~3 months and realized that so many of the people that I knew were thin.  And I wanted so badly to be thin.  So I started eating very very small portion sizes.  I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks.  I felt amazing.  I came back to the States feeling GREAT and in control.  I was awesome.  I was thinner.  I was a Super Star.  And that was the start of the Anorexic part of my eating disorder(s).

Over the next few years my weight fluctuated depending on how I ate/didn't eat.  I still binge ate, but made up for it by eating hardly anything.  At 20, my parents moved across the country and I had to move out on my own.  I also met a boy, J (my soon to be husband!!).  Very early on in our relationship I told J about my eating disorder.  And he stayed by my side while I cried and told him the deepest, darkest parts of my disorder.  It was sad, it was beautiful, it was freeing.  7 months later J went to S. Korea to work for 6 months.  During those 6 months, my restrictive dieting was heightened.  I went from 115 pounds right when he left to around 106 when he came back.  I felt FABULOUS.  I was beautiful, I was thin, I was on top of the world.  I didn't care that I was hardly eating dinner.  I had pushed food out of my mind and wouldn't really eat unless I was STARVING.  And even then, I was eating very very little.

It's been 4 years since J came back, and I've fluctuated ~107-109 pounds for the most part.  During this time, I loosened up on my eating, but still counted calories like my life depended on it.  J and I will be getting married in less than 6 months and I decided that I wanted to look really fit for our honeymoon.  Well, being 108 pounds doesn't necessarily make your body fit and attractive when you're in a bikini.  My body didn't have the definition I craved.  So I decided that I would start working out and I would once in for all try to have a normal relationship with food.  I would try to eat a breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and not make myself feel guilty.

Since January 2010, I have been working out 4 times a week and I LOVE IT!!  It's amazing.  I have definition in my legs, my stomach, and my butt.  But guess what?  When you work out, you get hungry and eat more. And you may gain muscle.  My weight has gone from 108 pounds to 111.  I have gained 3 pounds.  Now, to some people that may not be a lot, but to me it is!  I haven't gained 3 pounds since I started packing on the pounds back in high school.

And guess what?  This weight fluctuation has led to my feeling bad about my body (I look FULLER) and the way I look, and on the days that I don't work out, I am very vulnerable to binge-ing!  Oiii vey.

But I'm not going to stop working out.  I love it.  It's amazing.  Before, I was eating too little to even have the energy/drive to work out.  So, that's where this journey is going...

My goal is to achieve a normal relationship with food, to not skip any meals, and to make my body strong with physical activity.  My goal is to get over these eating disorders that have haunted me for the last decade of my life.  My goal is to look at this as a 'life style change' and not just a ploy to lose a couple of pounds.

In reality, I could lose those 3 pounds in 2 weeks if I started restricting my calories.  But, I like the gym, and I like the definition in my muscles.  I just need to find a good balance so I'm not binge-ing on the days that I don't have a structured gym regimen.  I also need to come to terms with my 'fuller' body.  I am no longer just skin and bones.  I have muscle.  Weird.

I haven't really binged like that badly in about a year, and I think the reason that it's happening sometimes now is because of the change of lifestyle.  My mind/body are having a WTF moment or two.  I just hope that sticking to this will actually make my life better and make me happier.

Ok, I'm going to end this post now (after rambling on for an hour!) by thanking J for suggesting that I share my journey with the world (or whoever is reading this) by writing a blog about it.  If you or someone are suffering an eating disorder I would highly suggest seeing a counselor or a nutritionist (I did both), and I really hope that my blog makes you realize that you are not alone.

:)

Here is to the healthy-living journey's of all of you (and me)!!