Recognizing your Real Emotions

Hi Loves!  I hope you're having a splendid day.  It's quite ugly and dreary here in West Michigan.  The type of day that makes you want to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea, and just waste the day away.  It's also the type of day that I'm more prone to having ED encounters.  Especially if there is an underlying issue going on. 

All day I have been anxious.  Well, I've actually been very very anxious for the past month.  You see, I'm in the midst of intense job-hunting, and I'm waiting to hear back from a few employers.  One in particular has my stomach in knots.  It is for my dream job, and I've been waiting for the results since my interview at the end of August. 

So, what does that have to do with today?

Well, all day I have not been very hungry, but I keep going in the kitchen and looking in the fridge and pantry for things to munch on.  However, since we don't really keep junk food in the house, I haven't found anything 'snacky' to eat.  Plus, I'm not really craving anything in particular.  I tried to recognize my craving.  Was it for something crunchy?  I ate some popcorn.  Nope, not it.  Something sweet?  I sampled part of a chocolate Go Lean bar.  Nope, not that either. 

After my 5th time visiting the kitchen, I said fuck it (excuse my language) and put my shoes on to go get a pint of Moose Tracks ice cream to silence my food thoughts.  I just wanted to get on with my day.  But, I decided to check the mail first.  I walked out to our mailbox, and slowly turned the key.  No mail.  No mail means no rejection today from the jobs that I'm waiting on.  Or, it means that the mailman hasn't dropped off our mail yet.  Fuck.  The anxiety crept all over my body again.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't craving food.  I was desperately craving an answer for my application status with the jobs.  That is why I couldn't pin-point what kind of food I wanted to eat.  For another couple of minutes I contemplated going out to get the ice cream to calm myself down.  But then I thought about how I would feel after I downed the ice cream:  not good. 

But, my reasoning wasn't because I feared that I'd gain weight and I'd feel bad after eating a pint of sweets.  Quite the contrary.  Ever since I've moved to a great point in my recovery, if I want ice cream, I eat it.  (In fact, lately, I probably eat a pint of ice cream by myself once every week!) 

The reason that I knew I wouldn't feel good after eating the ice cream was because I wasn't actually craving icecream.  I didn't want ice cream.  I wanted a reply about my job status.  I would feel the same anxiety after eating Moose Tracks.  Actually, I would probably just be left thinking, "why did I just force myself to eat a pint of icecream when I didn't even want it?"

In the end, I didn't end up going out to buy Moose Tracks.  Instead, I realized that I had just experienced a new break-through and wanted to blog about it.  

Today, I connected with my Real Emotions.  I separated my emotional needs from my hunger needs/food cravings.  And this is HUGE, coming from someone who had Binge Eating Disorder, and who still sometimes battles with bouts of binge eating.  (Which, I must tell you, have been very very minimal in the past few months.  But, I will blog about this later.) 

So, tell me...

Have you had any breakthroughs recently?

Have you ever experienced anything similar to what I did today?

Lots of Love,

♡Yasi

What it feels like to NOT want

Hi guys!
  First off, I want to tell you that something's been going on with my Blogger for weeks now-- I can't comment on anyone's posts.  :(  It's a bummer, but I am reading them!

  My post tonight was inspired by how I've been feeling lately.  In a nutshell, I feel... unrestricted.

  It's been almost a year and a half since I began this journey, and even though I have had set-backs, it's amazing how far I've come.  The Summer has always been an extremely stressful time for me.  BBQs, parties, and beach-getaways are basically protocol for every weekend.  To some people this sounds absolutely amazing.  To me, it's usually disastrous and leaves me full of anxiety for three months straight. 

  The reason for my anxiety is this... for over a decade my lovely and very thoughtful (not) eating disorder called the shots on when I got to have to fun, and when I didn't.  My oscillations in food intake and my body image dictated the things that I *let* myself do.  For example, maybe I was starving (from the non-stop restricting) on a random Thursday and it led to a huge binge.  After the episode, I would feel like such crap that I would basically sit and home all weekend trying to recover from the 'fatness' that resulted from my eating.

What if there was a party on Saturday that all my friends were going to?  Well, most of the time, I would miss the party.  Because it was more important to me to feel good about my body and my restriction, and feel 'confident and thin', than it was to enjoy the company of my friends.  In fact, if I felt fat, I felt almost 'unuitable' for other people-- as if, I was too disgusting to be around my friends.  If I somehow was convinced of going out, I would feel so terrible about myself the whole time that I completely expected to have another binge at the party.

Actually, even the parties and get-together that I felt 'good enough' to attend were messed up by my ED.  Through out my ED, I meticulously planned my intake around big events so that I was 'allowed' to eat like a normal person.  I would restrict myself the entire week so that when my friend's wedding (for example) came up, I could eat all the yummy foods.  The problem was, every time I got in these situations, I ended up gourding myself until I felt absolutely terrible.  So, my desire to be normal always ended up being very abnormal. 

I never knew how to enjoy food when I was out.  I just got so excited about all of the foods that I didn't allow myself to eat, and I had to have them all- right then and there.  Because I knew when I got home I wasn't allowed to eat any of those things.  And usually, after I returned from the parties, I would feel so awful about what I ate, that I binged for a few days afterwards (and restricted until the next time I was 'allowed' to really eat).

The funny thing is, looking back, I think that I spent more time in my head, thinking about what I could/should/would consume, than actually having fun and enjoying my time with my friends.

Sad.

But, I am happy to report, that things have changed.  It's weird, but completely right, at the same time.  It's weird because I can't remember ever enjoying my Summer weekends this much and not having my intake be the #1 thing on my mind.  It's so, so, right because this is how life should be, goddammit!!

Lately, I've been finding myself being extremely care-free with what I eat.  This, coming from the girl who always had a fit about which restaurants shw was comfortable enough to eat at; the same girl who didn't even TASTE peanut butter (fat fat fat fat) until she was 21 years old because she was afraid she'd love it and want to eat it all the time. 

However, since I threw all my 'eating rules' out the window, I literally have no restrictions.  When someone asks me where I'd like to eat, I don't freak out and try to pick a place with low-cal options.  Instead, I lean toward "whatever everyone else wants".  WHAT?!  Shut the front door!

I have never been a go-with-the-flow person when it comes to food.  I was always the picky one.  The one with the annoying eating habits that everyone else had to plan around.

Well, that person is no more!  And even more interestingly, I hardly ever binge at parties, or spend entire weekends thinking about food and my intake.  Now, I don't feel the pressure of foods choices because I allow myself to eat sensibly and fully at all times.  If I want chips with my sandwich, I eat them, but stop when  I'm full.  If I want dessert, I have some, but don't gourd myself on it.  This way, when the weekends come up, I'm not SO excited and obsessed with the food that I'm going to be 'allowed' to eat, because I'm always allowed to eat that food.

The point is, when we stop making food such a BIG DEAL, we take away its power.  This concept is almost child-like in it's simplicity.  When we stop making lists of foods that are off-limits or restricted, those foods aren't as appealing anymore.  (I even left some ice cream in the fridge for a week because I forgot about it.  This would have been nearly impossible a year ago because the icecream would haunt me and tempt me until I ate the last bit of it.)

Somehow, through this year and a half of ups-and-downs, I've learned to not be controlled by food. 

And it should be no big surprise that I now enjoy every one of my weekends having fun and not worrying about what I'm going to consume.  And even better?  I've grown closer to my friends, and my fun factor has hugely increased. ;)

Lots of Love, and I hope you have a fabulous weekend!

♡Yasi

How I came to be able to eat the left-overs (and the road to intuitive eating)

My left-over Blimpie from last night. 

Ugly, but yummy!

I used to say that I hated to eat left-overs, particularly for lunch.  I would say it with conviction, and I would back it up with reasons ranging from "I hate old food" to "I'm just not that hungry at lunch time".

But it was a lie.  The truth is, I was terrified of eating left-overs.  Eating left-overs (along with eating any 'real' food) for lunch and not knowing the calorie count in what I was eating was a non-option.  It was some weird complex of my disordered eating ways.  I figured, if I knew the exact amount of calories that I consumed for breakfast and lunch, and controlled them and kept them low enough, then I could relax a little on counting calories for dinner.  Therefore, in some twisted way, eating left-overs for dinner was peachy keen; but for lunch?  NO WAY.

What I did allow myself  to eat did not even begin to resemble a real lunch.  In my mind, I could eat anything as long as I was sure of the exact calorie count. That 'magical count' was 300 calories.  This left me eating delicious and fun (completely kidding) things like: 1 orange (100 cal) and 1 Nature Valley bar (180 cal), or 1/2 cup of sunflower seeds (160 cal) and 1 apple (100 cal).  My brain had actually become a Calorie Count Encyclopedia of some sorts, and I knew the exact number of calories in many foods, right off the top of my head. 

The problem, though, was that I didn't know the calorie counts of any 'real' foods.  Like, the number of calories in a pasta dish/rice dish/other food that I made.  So, I decided to make things easier for myself by completely avoiding foods that I didn't not know the calories of.  This made for the least interesting (and healthy) lunches on the planet.  They were boring, not very yummy, and repetitious.  But, somehow over the years I had convinced myself that I actually enjoyed these lunches and that I hated to eat real lunch food.

Recently, though, I have progressed to eating left-overs for lunch-- and I cannot tell you how exciting this is for me.  It's as if my body says to me, enthusiastically :  You mean we can eat the sandwich that was left over from dinner last night?!!!  PARTY CITY!!!! (Ooh Ooh!)

Even though I am beyond the moon about this new development in my inuitive eating, I do want to take a moment and point out that getting to this place did not happen over night.  The path that worked for me actually started over a year ago--by forcing myself to eat a home-made sandwich for lunch every single day (with a yogurt, and carrots).  Boring, yes, but it was a good stepping stone as I could still count the calories that were in the simple sandwich and accompanying snacks.

In the Summer and Fall, my 'real lunch' eating habits waned, and I had a few disordered eating set-backs.  Over the Winter months, I somehow, miraculously, got very tired of all of my ED habits.  I was completely  exhausted from the constant fighting in my own head, and I decided to give intuitive eating a chance.  What could I lose?

I began to eat when I was hungry, and stop when I was full.  Simple, right?  Yes, and no.  While the concept was very simple and worked very well at times, my body was so used to being controlled with numbers and what I should or shouldn't eat at a given time, that my intuition couldn't always be trusted.  Sometimes I binged and felt awful afterwards.  Sometimes I restricted.  But, the beauty of it was that I wanted so badly to eat intuitively, that when I did 'fall off the wagon' I picked myself right back up.  I learned to forgive myself for slipping.  I learned to take every little scrape and bruise as a lesson.  My body and mind learned together that when I stuff myself full of chocolate and pizza it makes my stomach hurt and it feels awful.  I also learned that when I restricted I was hungry and unhappy.

Now, months after starting to eat intuitively, I can say that it is much easier.  I have began to trust my intuition.  And, remarkably, I can now enjoy the left-overs for lunch. :)

Sidenote:  I really wanted to end my post with the above, but knowing that some of you may have questions about weight, I decided to add this in.  My number one reason for not trying intuitive eating sooner was because I was afraid that if I gave myself the option to eat anything I wanted, I would frantically gain weight.  Well, I have some great news, eating intuitively did not make me gain any weight.  I weigh about the same now than I did before.  The only thing that has changed is that I now trust my body and its needs, and as I posted here, I even feel more attractive and at peace with myself.

Please feel free to send me any questions here on my blog, or @ triumphant.yas@gmail.com.

I would absolutely love to help any of you along in this journey in any way that I can.

=)

When food loses its power

Yay!!!  Cheers all around!

Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I would write this post.  In fact, I've attempted to write this post three times today already--Each time, writing one sentence, and closing out the page.

So, here goes...

After 1 year and 2 months of working on overcoming my ED-thoughts, and intuitively eating (more recently) and exercising regularly, I believe that I have in fact gotten 'THERE'.
Where is there?  THERE is the place where I eat based on hunger, where I enjoy foods that I'm craving, where I exercise when I want, where I look at my body and like how it looks.  The reason that I was so hesitant to write this post was because I still have days when I feel 'fat', days when I'm down, days when I look at pictures of 'skinny' me and wish that I was thin again (because I looked soooo much better, right?  WRONG!).  But, I finally decided to write the post anyway, because most of the time I am happy with the way I feel and look.  Most importantly, though, I am writing this post because I have finally gotten to a place where I'm not afraid of food.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I am not kidding you when I say that I can't believe I actually wrote the above words.  How can I not be afraid of food?  How can I not fear the calories that are in everything?  How can I not constantly be thinking about food (because if I'm not constantly analyzing my intake I will gain 1,000 pounds and DIE.  Right?  WRONG!)?

Well, somehow, through all my trials and tribulations, through all the ups and downs, through all the crying and skin-tugging, through all the stress of gaining 5 pounds of healthy muscle, I made it here.  Let me tell you this:  I have not restricted in months.  I have eaten consistently without restricting my intake.  And in the last couple of months, I have practically stopped counting calories.  Sure, if a menu shows calorie counts, I'll browse over the numbers.  But, now, it may or may not affect my choice-- I will still order what I'm craving.  The brilliant part, however, is that I've somehow learned to keep eating until I'm hungry and to stop eating when I'm full.

So, basically, in my 26 years on this Earth, my eating habits have reverted back to childhood-- when everything was instinctive.  Bravo!  BRA-VO, Yasi!!  


The most wonderful part, though, is the dissolution of the control I just had to have over my food intake.  I used to literally freak out if I ran out of my usual 'safe foods'.  If I didn't have the breakfast foods that I was comfortable with, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  Same with lunch-- if we didn't have foods that I had deemed 'okay to eat', I just wouldn't eat.  Now, somehow, miraculously, food has lost its power over me.  Instead of planning my meals out way ahead of time, I now have the attitude of a 16-year old boy (again, much age-reverted improvement on my part ;) ).  It's more: open the fridge, "What do we have to eat?  I'm hungry!".


If I was British, this is where I would say: This is bloody brilliant!!


Getting here was NOT easy.  It sucked.  It sucked a big one.  I had to gain weight.  I gained about five pounds, and hated every one of them.  My body shape changed completely.  Instead of having a small top and a 'squishy' bottom, my body evened out.  My skinny arms got bigger, and my legs toned up.  I had to buy new pants because I went up a size.  Even the shape of my face changed!

In the beginning, I had a lot of binges because I didn't know how to control myself.  I didn't know if my body really wanted/needed something or if I was eating something for the sake of eating.  And I'll say it again, gaining those five pounds SUCKED.

But, overtime I have learned to like my bigger, more firm, healthy body (most of the time!).  I had to learn to like the way I looked, and somehow this improved my self-confidence.  A funny fact is that when I was in the throes of my ED, I felt ugly if I wasn't wearing make-up.  Like, HIDEOUS ugly.  In the last few months, I've grown to appreciate the way I look, even bare-faced.  I now only wear make-up when I feel like it, and wear much less of it. =)

On top of all that, a couple of months ago, I got a terrible haircut which prompted me to cut all my hair off.  I really think that my hair was the last security blanket from my 'ED days'.  With my long hair I kept comparing myself to the 'skinny me'.  Like, gosh I was so pretty and skinny back then with my long hair.  Well, my hair's still the same, so I technically *could* look that way again if I just lost a few pounds.  Chopping my hair off made me look entirely different.  With my hair way shorter (and cuter, I think!), I didn't look anything like the skinny/ED me.  It really was a final push to separate myself from my ED-ways... almost like a reward.
With my new hair, I even started changing up the way I dressed to fit my healthier body.  I was (am) inspired!  And inspiration can only lead to great things.
Overall, I'm not sure how important a 'new look' is for other Recoveries, but it really helped me embrace the new 'healthier me'.

But back to the reason why I finally decided to write this post.  To be honest, the reason that I decided to write it was because I wanted to show you guys that it is possible to get to a place where you're happy with what you're eating, and happy with how you're feeling and how you look.  I feel like I sound like a self-help book, but recovery is possible!  Full happiness is possible!  

But, even as I write this, I know that I'm still going to struggle on and off.  And you know what?  That's OK, and it's very normal. :)


I love you all so much, and couldn't have gotten to this place without all of your help, your kind words, and your support. <3

~Yasi

Positive Changes



I started this journey to becoming healthy in January of last year.  A year and a few months later, I'm at a much better place.  Of course, I have bad days.  But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is so much better.  Here are all the great things about being in a healthier place:

1.  I get to EAT!  I am able to eat yummy foods multiple times a day because that's normal and healthy.

2.  I can eat a variety of things without feelings terrible.

3.  I binge much less frequently since I'm not restricting myself.

4.  Food is GOOD!

5.  I have gotten to buy new clothes, especially pants.  Who doesn't love shopping?!

6.  My changing body has forced me to change the way I dress, and that's a good thing.  Variety is the spice of life.

7.  I lived through a bad haircut incident, which forced me to cut my long hair (that acted as my ED security blanket).  I now love my short hair, so much, that I got another haircut yesterday. =)

8.  My entire body has changed from working out.  I look healthy and STRONG.

9.  My legs, butt, and stomach are obvious, but they have wonderful definition.

10. I can be as active as I want, and I can use food to refuel.  I no longer sit around not doing things because I have no energy.

11. I can go out on hikes, run around, and do fun things with J and other people because I'm not afraid of what the food schedule will be.  I know that when I'm hungry, I can eat whatever is available.  And I'm actually OK with it.  Whoa!

12. I'm not afraid of bingeing while travelling, and of always worrying about food on my trips.  My normal eating lets me have a great time, and eat intuitively when I'm *hungry*.  Gasp!

13. And finally, I can enjoy food AND life-- at the same time!

=)


So, tell me, what are the great things about recovery for you?

The Beach

  The above picture was taken at my friend's cottage this past Saturday.  Wanna know what my first thought was?  "This is a good picture, but OMG do I have back-fat rolls?!?!?!? WTF. zoom zoom zoom. IS THAT A ROLL?"

  So now that we have established my level of crazy, let me tell you that this was a great travel weekend for me ED-wise, even though the above story doesn't make it seem like it was.  This was the first weekend we went up to the cottage after my ED-recovery and lifestyle change that I started this past January (It's been 6 months!  WOW!!).  

  Before the lifestyle change my eating during the week consisted of restricting, and my eating during the weekend consisted of gorging myself like a big fat pig.  Well, it makes sense because that's what happens when you're starving half the week!!  So when cottage weekends came up, I would restrict even more obsessively during the week and then I would stuff myself like a Christmas Turkey when we were at the cottage.  I would eat completely non-stop, no matter if I was full or not.  

  And when you really think about it, this makes absolutely no sense!  Because when I'm at the cottage I'm in a bikini 1/2 of the time, so why would I be stuffing myself when I'm exposed to the whole world? I have NO idea!!  But I do know that I would skinny-fy myself for the cottage, and then when I got there I just couldn't take it anymore and I'd eat anything in sight.

  Well guess what?  This past weekend was the first time in a really long time that I didn't do that!!!!  I ate more than I would eat on a normal weekend, because cottage weekends revolve around the cooking skills and grilling-wars of The Guys, and we eat what they make.  And they make A LOT of food.  But even though I ate all the meals that were provided, I stopped eating when I was full.  In addition, we usually go to a little store and pick up alcohol and other things we forgot to bring to the cabin.  This trip usually consists of me ransacking the store for s'mores fixings or some other huge bag of chocolate.  But I didn't do that this weekend!!!  I picked up an ice cream bar b/c I was 'preparing' myself for my crazy late-night cottage chocolate cravings, but then I realized that I don't need to 'stock up' just to fill my needless craving later, so I PUT IT BACK.  I didn't want ice cream at that moment, and well, tough luck for me if I started wanting it later.

  So all in all, a great trip.  We got some sun, and I didn't feel absolutely disgusting in my bikini.  I know I look bigger than some other trips to the cabin, but I look more fit now.  More fab than skinny flab.  

  =)

**Questions for you:

When you travel, do you eat out of control?

Do you restrict your eating before taking a big trip?  Especially one that involves bikinis/swimwear?

Recovering/hungry hungry hippo/outfit pic

I have been recovering from the massive amount of food that I consumed over the weekend.  I love going to the gym because it firms up my body and makes me feel so much better about myself.  Which is great because Sunday night and all of Monday I felt like a whale.  A big.fat.beached.whale.  Ready to crawl into my own fatness and die.  Just kidding.  A tad dramatic today, eh?

So getting over the weekend eat-a-thon has been going ok.  However, I have been hungry like NO OTHER.  Like, I could consume 2,000 calories without even blinking because I'm just hungry for it.  But I don't think my body needs it, especially after the calories consumed last weekend.  So I've been trying to keep my hunger at bay with fruits and veggies.  I think my stomach expanded LOL.  No, I'm not kidding.  Totally serious.  This actually happens.

You know that game that we played when we were kids, Hungry Hungry Hippo?  Well that's my theme song this week, apparently!  I've really had to try extremely hard to keep my intake at what I think is the 1,200-1,400 calorie level.

Anywho, I'm going to the gym today, and a few more times this week because in less than 2 weeks we are going to our friends' cottage.  And I wanna look firm in my bikinis!!!

My body has completely changed.  I am now fuller everywhere, but much firmer in my thigh/butt area, and that is great.

But I'm positive I won't be the skinniest girl up at the cottage (I was before).  And I guess that's ok because at least I pretty much like my body.  I just need to not binge when I'm up there.  It's always a huge food-fest and I feel like a complete cow afterwards.

In other news, here's the outfit I wore today.  It's very girly and cutesy.  And if you knew me, this outfit would pretty much define me, haha.  I had to throw on the white cami underneath to make it work-appropriate.  The flats are new:  grey jellies with grey fabric bows on them (I love me some bows!)  And, oh yes, I'm wearing the pearls that J got me from China.   Yay!

Garfield & Me

  Garfield and I have a lot in common- when it comes to food.  Certain foods are magnets for us and we have to consume them if they are in sight.  

  Last night I had dinner at a friends' house.  And afterwards we devoured somewhere between 5-10 cookies each.  She is my favorite college roommate and I miss her terribly.  She was anorexic.  She knows about my demons. She is now (mostly) recovered.  I say mostly because once you're anorexic, you never fully bounce back.  

  After my cookie binge I picked up J and a couple of his friends from a friend's house and suggested that we go out for late night eats.  Being guys, they thought it was an awesome idea and agreed.  So we went and had fries and coney dogs.  It was disgusting and made me feel awful.  So I'm chalking yesterday up as a binge because I ate like complete crap and ate with determination.  I was determined to get the most 'bad' out of my day food-wise, since I'd already consumed a massive amount of cookies.

  However, my binges have lessened by A LOT.  And the other thing is, now that I'm working out consistently, I don't wake up feeling COMPLETELY bad the next morning.  I mean, yeah, I feel gross.  But my stomach is still tight from working out and my legs feel firm.  Point being, I can now recover faster from a binge routine.  Before I worked out, I would feel so disgusting and flabby after a binge that I would just binge for days.  Now I can stop after a day and get my eating back to normal because my body doesn't feel blabby after a binge.  The muscle and tone stops me from bingeing for multiple days.  And the fact that I don't feel completely unattractive helps get me back to my normal healthy eating routine.

  And the other thing is my face.  I am one of those people that gains weight in their face.  When I gain it shows up immediately in my cheeks and I get face pudge. Now that I'm eating normally and working out, I rarely ever get face pudge.  Even when I binge for a day or two.  This is a great accomplishment in my book.

  Tonight is the finale of LOST and we are having Taco Night.  We do this every few months and it's always fun and delicious.  We decided on Taco Night before I binged (yesterday), so I thought that the tacos would be my bad food for the weekend.  But you know what?  Eff that.  I'm going to eat my tacos.  And it will be fine and I will enjoy the hell out of them.

  Okay that's all.  Have a good Sunday :)

The significance of 113.

Hi everyone!  I hope that everyone is having a pretty good week.  We are 2 days away from the weekend, which is always a good thing.

This post may or may not get long as I will attempt to explain my obsession with weight numbers.

I weighed myself for the first time after a month.  And I weighed the same as I had a month ago: 113.

113.  This is the number that I have had in my head the past few months.  113 is the number I must not go over.  Because in my head once I go above 113 there is no stopping the weight gain.

Now you must remember that the first eating disorder I developed was Binge Eating Disorder.  What I can remember is that I was a happy, healthy, skinny teenager and I weighed 113 pounds....and then I was a fat, unhealthy, and depressed teenager at 142 pounds.

So you can probably see why 113 is a holy number to me.  It is the last weight I remember being healthy and happy at.  When I was 13 years old, my weight was 113 pounds.  113 meant nothing to me.  It was just how much I weighed.  So, what?

Once my eating disorders developed I was obsessed with the damn number on the scale.  In my anorexic/restricting phases I would weigh myself 3-5 times a day.  I.kid.you.NOT.

I could gain and lose up to 10 pounds a week by bingeing or restricting.  I was chained to the scale.  I NEEDED to know what my weight was at all times.

A little while before my 21st birthday I moved out of my parents house.  In my new apartment I did not have a scale and my obsession with the weighing was somewhat broken.

About a year after being on my own I restricted very heavily.  I was ~106-107 pounds for 2 years.  For the last 2 years I had been around 108-109.  Slooooowwwwly creeping up.  But I was OK because it was under 110, which was less than my teenage 'happy' weight.
My goal for the past few years had been to keep under 110 because maybe I wasn't as thin as I should've been even at my 'teenage happy weight'.

Well guess what folks, with this whole healing process since January, I basically had to kiss 110 goodbye.  I haven't been 110 pounds for over 4 months.  Am I ok with it?  Yes and no.
No, because obviously I HATE, yes hate, the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than what I have weighed in the past 4-5 years.  No, because what if my weight keeps going up?  No, because I'm not rail thin anymore.  No, because 108 had become my supposed 'happy weight number', and now I'm 5 pounds over that.
BUT Yes, because I am eating.  I eat all 3 meals with healthy snacks in between.  I'm not starving myself.  I eat really healthy food and I binge much less frequently.  I enjoy grocery shopping and eating much more because I'm trying to not constantly worry about calories, but more about nutrition and fuel.  I feel healthier.

And then there is this dilemma that I have had.  I know I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But where the hell did the weight go?

When I look at myself, I pretty much like how my body looks.  I look pretty fit.  I don't look fat.  I don't look super skinny, but I think other people would say that I am 'thin'.

5 pounds ago I had more insecure thoughts about my body than I do now.  WHY?  why?why?

I don't understand.  I saw more flaws with my body when I was thinner than I do now.  I don't get it.

Maybe it's because I'm more toned now.  Or maybe it's because I've accepted the fact that I should start taking in a size 0 and a 2 pant in with me into the fitting room, because the 0s may not fit me.

But what I don't get is that when I was 108  and bingeing and restricting, and I gained 1 or 2 pounds I felt it immediately.  I felt it in my clothes, I felt it everywhere.  Now I weigh 5 pounds more than that and I still fit in my clothes.  They're more snug, but most of them fit.  I really don't think I look that different than when I was skinnier.  But five pounds is a LOT!!  I'm confused.

So why the eff was I so hard on myself when I weighed less?  And why/how am I less hard on myself now?  Maybe my self therapy is working and it was all in my head.

But the question really and truly is:  Where the fuck did weight go?  How can I still fit in my (skinny) clothes?

I mean I'm not complaining.  But it just makes me sad that I was so hard on myself when I weighed less than I do now.

So, 113.  That's what I've been for a while.  I'm almost 26 years old and I weigh the same as when I was 13 years old.  I guess that's something to be 'proud of'.  But somehow my disordered mind still taunts me with 'but you were able to get down to 107 for almost 4 years!  What is WRONG with you?  DO IT AGAIN!'

But I don't think I can.  Well, I can.  I don't think I will.

I'm ok.  I'll be ok.

This change needed to happen.  I really wish I didn't have to gain weight.  But at least I still look alright.

This is good.  This needed to happen.  I'm alright.

Here are some pictures from 3 years ago, and now.  I tried to find pictures that were similar in angle.   Even *I* realize now that I was too thin 3 years ago:

2007

2010

Yup, this turned into a long post.

:)

Graduation, wedding stuff, and how I dealt with eating issues

  After a week and a half hiatus, I'm back!  This is going to be long post, but that's because I have so much to write about! Above is a picture from graduation (I'm on the left).  I just had to post a picture because yes, we bedazzled our hats.  I am 25 years old and I spelled out 2010 with rhinestones on my Master's degree cap... SO COOL!!  Haha. =D

  The past 2 weeks were a blur and passed so quickly.  My mom came in last week on Tuesday and we had a ton of wedding stuff to take care of.  My dad came in on Thursday, and then there was graduation on Friday.  To say that we did a lot would a massive understatement.  I feel like the entire week was spent driving from one place to another to get things done for the wedding.  I had my 2nd hair trial and my hair turned out FABULOUSLY!!  I had my first wedding dress fitting and that went really well (I'm turning my dress from an a-line to a mermaid).  Best of all, my mom and dad were there for the whole thing, so it was really cool.  Also, we went to try on the dress after my hair appointment and this time everything from the shoes to the dress style to the hair to the jewelry matched! (My 1st hair trial hairstyle did not match my dress at all and I was worried) 

  My dad also got fitted for his tux and we checked out the church and the reception place-- they loved it.  And my mom and I did LOTS of shopping.  I think if there was a record for how long 2 people could shop we would break it.  We were literally out for 2 or 3 days from morning until the mall closed, shopping.  It's our favorite activity to do together and WE.ARE.GOOD.  I'm not kidding.  We find amazing clothes for great prices, and we have similar taste.  Anywho, along with a ton of other clothes she bought me (Thanks Mom!), I bought 2 dresses for the showers and parties that will be coming up.  One of the dresses is this uber chic and sexy royal blue dress.  I am not kidding when I tell you that this dress is KILLER.  I can't describe it, so here is a pic of it:  (Disclaimer, the reason that I chop my head of in pix is b/c I'm a little paranoid about pix of me out in the internets since this is a public site.  And yes, I know my profile pic is still there.  Haha =P)

Isn't this dress freaking AH-MAZING?!  P.S.  NOT the shoes I will be wearing with the dress.

    Graduation was great (but boooring), and on Saturday my parents took us all (parents, me + J, their best friends & their kids, and J's parents and brother) out to eat at a great restaurant.  The place was packed because of all of the proms and graduations-- I had to make the reservation 2 months ago!  Dinner was filled with great conversation and delicious food.  Oh and I got a massive amount of presents- yeah, no biggie.  Just kidding!  I was really surprised and it was AWESOME!

    

    So let me tell you about the food issues I encountered over the week of graduation.  I knew that the week was going to be filled with a lot of food, a lot of going out to eat, and a lot of dessert.  When Persians celebrate, we eat.  A LOT.  And we always have cake or sweets, as if the huge dish of food you ate would not get digested unless there was a slice of cake on top of it.  Going into the week I had promised myself that I wouldn't give in to the temptations of eating what other people were eating and eating desserts every night, because I had been eating so 'clean' the past few weeks.  It took about 1 day to realize that resistance was futile.  So I ate right along with everybody.  I went out to chinese, I had Persian food that my mom's best friend had cooked, I had sushi, I had more Persian food, I had steak, I had cake, and biscotti, and more cake, and chocolate covered pretzels, and much more I'm sure.  Point being, I ate what was offered if I was hungry, BUT I didn't binge.  I never went to bed feeling like crap. And *gasp*, I ate like a normal person.  I gotta tell ya, it was freaking liberating.  But I can't lie, every time I thought about what I was eating I felt food guilt, but I let it pass.  And I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to gain 5 pounds overnight and that weeks like this aren't how I eat all the time, so I'm ok to be doing so for a week.

    And now, a week after it's all over I have gotten back into my own eating groove again.  But I'm not being as strict as I was being before.  I was so scared that I would look chubby-faced in my graduation pictures that I had cut out all sweets and snacks for the most part.  But in the past week I've had sweets a couple of times.  I had a biscotti when I was starving at the mall on Wednesday and I had Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream last night.  But maybe I needed to flush my system of the sugar addiction when I did.  Because right now, I don't crave sweets and crappy food all the time, and it's most likely because I cut myself off for a few weeks.  Oh and just to let you know, I didn't look chubby faced in my graduation pix =)  My face looked a bit 'healthier' than the last time I had grad pix (3 years ago), but then again, I am 3 years older, and I'm not supposed to look the same my whole life.  And that's another big thing for me: I always look at older pictures of myself and compare me-now to me-then.  This is honestly the WORST thing to do.  Because 3 years ago I was 106 pounds, and I was barely ever eating normally.  So, duh, I'm gonna look different.  I have to realize that it's ok to look different.  My body and face are going to change a lot in my lifetime and I'm going to have to be ok with that.  I'm going to have to embrace the changes.

  

    On another note, I haven't been to the gym in about a week and a half!  Which is the longest I've gone without going to the gym since, like, January.  Hopefully today I will be going back!

    

    Well I hope you enjoyed my super long post.  So tell me, what interesting/new things developed with you while I was gone?

  

  

ED survey

I found this survey while browsing some ED blogs.  I'm going to post my answers so that I can let you into the state of my recovery and my thoughts.  Please share your own with me in my comments, if you'd like =)

Size: 2 [US]
Age: 25
Height: 5'2"
Highest Weight: 142 lbs
Lowest Weight: 105 lbs
Current Weight:  Floating between 110-113
Goal Weight: Something less than 113

Favorite Diet Food?
I don't do 'diet' food anymore.  My favorite health foods are fruits.  I like apples, oranges, watermelon, strawberries, kiwis, etc.  I also love bananas, but I get stomach aches when I eat them.  I think this is my body's reaction to eating only a banana and a Jell-O for lunch for 3 years in high school.  It's rejecting bananas!  hah

Favorite Binge Food?
Cookies, chips.

Favorite Exercise?
Weight training.

Thinspiration?
I don't have one.  I just want to be healthy, but I would like to have a nice body.  I will never have the body of a celebrity.  I am not a model and I don't have to look like one.  I don't have my own personal trainer and chef, so I will probably never look like I do!

What Makes You Slip Up?
When I'm out with my friends and everyone is eating eating eating.  Or when I start eating junk food.  Once I start, it's very very difficult for me to stop.

What Makes You Strong?
The fact that I've had ED for 11 years and that I'm recovering.  The fact that I am open with people about my ED and I'm not hiding it anymore.  The fact that I'm trying my damn hardest to have a normal attitude toward food, even though the idea is a hard one to grasp.  I'm the little train that could: I think I can, I think I can.

When Did It Start?
When I was 14.  Please see:


http://triumphantyasi.blogspot.com/2010/03/history.html

Does Anyone Know?
Yes.  I tell pretty much anyone, when it's relevant to whatever is going on.  My family denied it for years, but now I think they believe me.  And this is one of the most soul-bearing experiences I've ever shared with J.

Do You Want Help?
Sure.  I'm trying as much as I can to help myself, but a little extra help never hurts.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
1,000-1,500 usually.  Unless I binge, then it's a lot more :(

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
I see a girl that has a pretty face and has a decent body, but her body could always look more lean.

Are You In A Relationship?
Yes =D  Love u

Is It For Attention?
No.  When I have disordered eating thoughts and I want to be thin it's not for attention, it's because I feel so much more confident when I'm thinner.  I feel prettier and more fun.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
This is kind of a ridiculous question.  All my friends are gorgeous.  I guess I'm one of the thin ones.

Are You Depressed?
No.  However, I do get overwhelmed with my ED and trying to recover.  Sometimes when I feel gross and fat I don't want to be with my friends or go out.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
No.  I have never thought about suicide.  Even at the height of my Binge Eating Disorder I was lucky that I didn't think any suicidal thoughts.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
A few times

Are You On Any Medication?
No

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegetarian

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[ ] I was prettier
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear


I LOVE -
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[ ] being asked questions
[ ] having to eat
[ ] being single
[ ] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

I NEED -
[x] more support
[ ] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[ ] less food
[x] less bingeing
[ ] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[ ] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs


If I filled out this survey a few years ago, I bet the answers would be a hell of a lot different.

Sugar addiction

  Even before this weekend began, I knew that it was going to be a challenging weekend food-wise.  Yesterday was one of those days where you just know you're going to eat eat eat eat eat eat, and well, eat some more.  I was so excited to see all my friends, but I was honestly dreading all the food and all the thoughts and issues that come with it.  Thank God I have J to talk to because sometimes I feel like a crazy person.  And most times I feel so alone in my battle with disordered eating.  

  Friday night was fine.  I made J and I shrimp stir fry over brown rice and it was a great and healthy dinner.  One of my best friends was in town, so we went out for drinks and dancing.  We had a few drinks and we had an amazing time.  

  

  Saturday was the hard day.  We had a surprise birthday party for J's cousin at a place called Pizza House and then we had a going-away dinner party for one of my friends.  While we headed to the Pizza House I told J that I was going to order a chicken salad because I didn't want to eat 'bad'.  But that all changed once we got to the pizza place.  By the time we actually got around to ordering the food it was 3 pm and we were STARVING!  And everyone was ordering pizza and it smelled sooo good.  And it would've been cheaper if we just shared a pizza with J's cousin and his girlfriend.  So that's what we did.  We ordered a big salad, some break sticks and a large pizza.  By the time the breadsticks got there we were so hungry that we scarfed it down.  And when the pizza came, I had two slices.  Afterwards, we had a medium sized slice of chocolate birthday cake.  Everyone was eating, so I ate right along with them.  I was full, but I wasn't exploding.  I felt OK and the food was pretty yummy.

  A few hours later we headed over to my friend's dinner party and there was  A LOT of food.   Everyone was chatting and there were snacks on the table.  One of the snacks was a big bowl of potato chips.  So I decided to have a couple.  And a couple more and a couple more until I was practically inhaling the chips between talking with my friends.  Then dinner was served.  We're Persian and we eat a lot of rice usually, but every single dish was a rice dish!  So I went around and go a little bit of all the dishes.  About a half hour later, they brought out dessert: cheesecake and cookies (with tea, of course!).  So I had a little bit of cheesecake and one cookie.  5 minutes later, I had another cookie, then another and another and another.  By the end of the night I felt so disgusting and fat and bloated.  All in all, I ate like complete crap yesterday and now I feel like my face is as round as a basketball and I feel like a tub of lard.

  What is it with me and eating?  Why the hell do I have this crazy binge eating/addiction to food, especially crappy foods and sweets?  Well, a recent study from the Princeton Neuroscience Institute may have an answer.  The study demonstrated that adding sugar to the diet of rats caused a marked sugar addiction for the rats.  And taking away the sugar caused withdrawal symptoms very similar to those associated with drug addiction.

  So what does this mean for me?  I really believe that I have an addiction-like relationship with crappy foods.  As long as I am in a mindset of not eating crappy foods, I don't eat them.  I can ignore a bowl of chips with resilient will-power.  But once I start eating junk foods like chips or cookies, an addiction-like quality appears in my state of mind.  I believe that part of it has to do with guilt: I feel so guilty that I ate one cookie, that I eat 3 or 4 more.  The other part of it, I really and truly believe has to do with sugar addiction.  I can't stop at just one.

  After the party last night, I talked to J about what had been going through my mind the whole night: the addiction, the guilt, the feeling-like-shit.  And I came to a conclusion: if I can't handle sweets or crappy food right now, I should just cut them out of my diet.  I have resolved to just completely cut sweets and junky snacks out of my diet for the next few weeks and see how I feel.  The way I feel now, I think it might just be easier to not even eat one, than to try my hardest to stop at one.  I mean, it's not like I'm cutting out foods that have any kind of nutritional value.  I'm just going to not eat junk and see how I feel.  Both J and I think that this is a good experiment, so I will be giving you updates of how it's going.

  So my question for you is:  have you ever cut any foods out of your diet?  How did it go? 

Apple Cinnamon flavored dilemma, anyone?

J and I went out to dinner last night.  It was nice.  I ordered chicken, roasted potatoes and vegetables, and J got pork, cabbage and mashed potatoes.  We wanted to go to a movie afterwards, but we still had 45 minutes to wait until the movie.  And here comes the dilemma... J asked me if I wanted to share a dessert.  

Well, yes, I wanted dessert.  My dinner wasn't too heavy and I still had some room.  And we had a lot of time to waste.  So what was my dilemma?  The dilemma was that no matter what, I still have disordered eating thoughts.  No matter what, those were a lot of extra calories and I had already eaten really terribly the beginning of the week.  And no matter what, I felt like a fat pig even before dinner.  Plus, if I was going to share a dessert I was going to ruin my 'good eating' for the day, so I might as well get a whole big dessert to myself and call the whole day 'ruined'.  

You see, THIS is what disordered eating is.  I don't look at food rationally.  I can't think, "yes, I'll share that dessert with you, sweetheart".  I really think that if they hooked up one of those brain activity machines to my brain when I'm dealing with food/body dilemmas the machine would go bonkers.  

So, what happened, you say?  I decided that I really did want to eat an apple cinnamon turnover.  I told J how I was feeling about the whole thing (disordered thoughts and all) and he helped me decide to get one dessert and share it.  It was a perfectly portioned absolutely delicious dessert and I felt satisfied.

I kept telling myself that I need to learn how to eat sweets and other tempting foods without bingeing on them.  So, even now, I feel a little guilty... but I'm really trying to be ok with it.

So how about you?  Do you feel guilty when you eat 'bad' foods?  How do you deal with the guilt?

Easter, oh Easter

Easter, what did you do to me?  All my good eating and exercising went out the window for 5 days.  Yech.

My future mother in law gave me a basket of candy, chocolate, cake, etc.  This beautiful Easter basket contained so much goodness that the goodies literally levitated from the basket and into my mouth.  My teeth barely did any chewing.  Ladies and gentlemen, I think I may have my ticket to fame: food levitation followed by complete disappearance of all food in the room.

I feel gross.  I gained a couple of pounds.  Now, weight fluctuates during the day, so I might have not actually gained that much, but I gained a couple FOR SURE.  And on top of that, I just feel like yuck.

But I went to the gym today (Thursday).  And it was actually a great workout.  The last time I went was Saturday- a great 2-hour run/weight training workout with J.  So, yes, it took me a few days to get back into the swing of things, but I went to the gym.  And since this is a lifestyle change, that's all I can do.  I can't give up like I used to and just say that I effed it up, so it's not worth a damn anymore.  All I can do is get back on this ride and keep on truckin'.  So, guess what, BEEP BEEP, coming through!

Here is my food diary for today.  I tried to keep my caloric/fat intake low in order to shed the Easter calories which are probably on an egg hunt somewhere in my rather larger behind.

Breakfast:

-2 1/2 servings of Cheerios multi grain with 2% milk (J introduced me to this and it is sooooooo deicious and filling!!  I may never switch back to buying Honey Nut Cheerios!  *gasp*)

Lunch:

-60 calorie Light & Fit yogurt

-1 apple

-1 Nature Valley Honey& Oats bar

Dinner:

-3 oz salmon with salad (avocado's, tomatos, lettuce, raspberry vinaigrette) and cheesy mashed potatoes (from scratch)

After dinner snack:

-3 Dove Dark chocolate miniatures with decaffeinated tea

Oh and a weird thing happened today.  During my drive home from the gym I started craving a tomato with salt.  My brain kept repeating the word tomato tomato tomato tomato and I could almost taste it in my mouth.  So I did what any girl with a craving would do:  I stood over the sink and ate a tomato with salt.  What the heck?  Who craves a tomato?!  Was my body low on Lycopene or something?  haha

Have you had any weird cravings lately?

Thanks a LOT PMS.

I have been so freaking hungry ALL DAY.  I had old freezer pizza for dinner, and then proceeded to buy and eat 1/2 a pint of Haagen daaz chocolate ice cream.  Yes.  I did.  I also had sunflower seeds, jello, crackers....

Yeah it was kind of a binge.  But kind of not.  I don't know.  I'm too tired to think about it right now.  I had a really long day at my internship/school and came home starving.  And then I was too tired to make anything healthy.  So a night of terrible eating ensued.

I'm slightly or maybe pretty disappointed in myself.  I will be going to the gym tomorrow.  Ugh I hate when I eat mindlessly like this b/c it makes me feel like crap.  Hopefully tomorrow I won't feel like a fat cow.

Boo.  I hope your eating didn't suck as much as mine today!

The history

First off,  I promise to never have a post as long as this.  But given the fact that I have been dealing with disordered eating for over a decade now, an in depth history is a must!  I will be chronicling my journey to really overcome my disordered eating and I'll try to post every day =)  Happy (long) reading!!  Oh and please comment if you'd like--  I'd love to read your thoughts!

I have been admitting the fact that I have an eating disorder (s) for about 8 years now.  But in reality, I've been dealing with disordered eating and body image issues since I was probably 14 years old.  I'm not really sure what triggered it.  It could have been a slue of things.

I'm Persian, and like all Persian women I have naturally bigger upper thighs and butt.  I went to All-American schools where everyone was tall and lanky and extremely thin.  I always thought, why does my body not look like that?  But before I was in high school it wasn't a HUGE thing.  I was too busy being a kid to really worry about my body-image issues.

To boot, I have a mother who is very body-concious, and has been for as long as I can remember.  She is a very petite, beautiful, and thin woman, but she was/is never thin enough for her own liking.

So once high school started, I realized just how different my body looked from the other girl's.  They had legs that were long and thin and beautiful, and mine had stopped growing in the 8th grade.  Mind you, I was always a thin girl, but being 5'2" doesn't leave much room for loooong skinny legs.

During freshman year of high school I joined the softball team.  Everyone would bring and eat lots of unhealthy snacks.  We were 14.  That's what we did.  But for some reason, other people could stop eating junk food, and I just couldn't.  I would get around ritz crackers and cheese and keep eating until I was too embarrassed to eat any longer.  Why?  I have no idea.  It could be the fact that around this age my mom told me that if I ate a lot of bad snack food I would get fat, so I should only have a couple of cookies.  But it's not like she physically tore me away from the cookies.  So yes, that's when it all began.

I remember, at 14 I weighed 113 pounds.  And after a while I started feeling like I was so fat.  In my mind, I was way past 'normal eating' and wanted to have control over my body shape and food intake.  I split food up into 'Good' and 'Bad' foods.  Good Foods were things like carrots, bananas, and jello- very low calorie, very unsatisfying!  The Bad Foods list was much much longer.  It includes things like cookies, chips, cheetos, ice cream, chocolate, and many other things.  And every time I got around 'bad foods' I got so excited and freaked out that I felt like I was fighting an urge to 'go in for the kill'.  I saw these foods as the evil that was tempting me and keeping me away from my lanky legs and non-existant American waist.  And the more I resisted, the better and more awesome-er I was.  God it felt good to look a box of ice cream in the eye and put it back in the freezer.  But then an hour later I would find myself on the couch with a bag of cookies, two bags of cheetos, and a couple of bags of chips.  You see, once I ate even one cookie (a BAD food), I had RUINED my eating habits and my 'goodness' for that day.  So I might as well have eaten whatever else was in the house.  And if I had something sweet, I then wanted something salty, and then I wanted something sweet again.  And man, did I inhale the food.  I ate so fast that I didn't even taste most of what I was putting in my mouth.  And I wouldn't stop shoveling all kinds of crap into my mouth until my stomach hurt.  I would also hide food and eat it when others weren't looking.  It was so sad.

So, you can kind of see the predicament that I was in.  Obviously I couldn't control myself around Bad Foods,  so I had to keep as far away from them as possible.  But it's so hard when it's all around you.  What do you do???

After a couple of years of secretly doing this, I realized that something was really wrong, I had gained 30 pounds!  And I HATED food.  But if I hated it, why did I shovel it into my mouth like it was going out of style?  So, I did what most people would have done and googled my symptoms.  It turned out that I had an eating disorder (duh!) that was called Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

Once I figured out that was suffering from BED, I tried to think of ways that I could fix myself.  But it was just so hard.  And the other hard thing was that no one in my family believed that I had an eating disorder.  They just thought I had a lack of will power.  And when I explained to them that I honestly could not control myself around food, they just laughed and said I was being dramatic.

Basically, my life sucked.  I was so tortured by thoughts of food- of eating it or not eating it.  I thought about food about 85% of the time that I was awake.  I kept food journals and recorded my feelings and what I ate that day.  I tried a gazillion different diets to try to lose the weight and get my 'will power' back.  Nothing worked.  I stopped going out to eat with my friends because I knew that I couldn't control myself around food and I didn't want to ruin a 'Good Eating Day'. And then sad part is that this was all before I was 18.  During 'Good Weeks' I could lose up to 10 pounds!  This was usually done when there was a big party or something coming up.  I would eat extremely restrictively.  And during 'Bad Weeks' I could gain up to that amount.  Apparently along with my eating disorders I had also become Elastigirl!  I could get big or small at the blink of an eye.   I would weigh myself at LEAST 3 times a day.  I was absolutely obsessed with food and with my weight.

Once I turned 18, I started college at a state university.  My parents, being Persian, had me stay at home (woohoo!  Not really). The summer after college I went overseas for ~3 months and realized that so many of the people that I knew were thin.  And I wanted so badly to be thin.  So I started eating very very small portion sizes.  I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks.  I felt amazing.  I came back to the States feeling GREAT and in control.  I was awesome.  I was thinner.  I was a Super Star.  And that was the start of the Anorexic part of my eating disorder(s).

Over the next few years my weight fluctuated depending on how I ate/didn't eat.  I still binge ate, but made up for it by eating hardly anything.  At 20, my parents moved across the country and I had to move out on my own.  I also met a boy, J (my soon to be husband!!).  Very early on in our relationship I told J about my eating disorder.  And he stayed by my side while I cried and told him the deepest, darkest parts of my disorder.  It was sad, it was beautiful, it was freeing.  7 months later J went to S. Korea to work for 6 months.  During those 6 months, my restrictive dieting was heightened.  I went from 115 pounds right when he left to around 106 when he came back.  I felt FABULOUS.  I was beautiful, I was thin, I was on top of the world.  I didn't care that I was hardly eating dinner.  I had pushed food out of my mind and wouldn't really eat unless I was STARVING.  And even then, I was eating very very little.

It's been 4 years since J came back, and I've fluctuated ~107-109 pounds for the most part.  During this time, I loosened up on my eating, but still counted calories like my life depended on it.  J and I will be getting married in less than 6 months and I decided that I wanted to look really fit for our honeymoon.  Well, being 108 pounds doesn't necessarily make your body fit and attractive when you're in a bikini.  My body didn't have the definition I craved.  So I decided that I would start working out and I would once in for all try to have a normal relationship with food.  I would try to eat a breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and not make myself feel guilty.

Since January 2010, I have been working out 4 times a week and I LOVE IT!!  It's amazing.  I have definition in my legs, my stomach, and my butt.  But guess what?  When you work out, you get hungry and eat more. And you may gain muscle.  My weight has gone from 108 pounds to 111.  I have gained 3 pounds.  Now, to some people that may not be a lot, but to me it is!  I haven't gained 3 pounds since I started packing on the pounds back in high school.

And guess what?  This weight fluctuation has led to my feeling bad about my body (I look FULLER) and the way I look, and on the days that I don't work out, I am very vulnerable to binge-ing!  Oiii vey.

But I'm not going to stop working out.  I love it.  It's amazing.  Before, I was eating too little to even have the energy/drive to work out.  So, that's where this journey is going...

My goal is to achieve a normal relationship with food, to not skip any meals, and to make my body strong with physical activity.  My goal is to get over these eating disorders that have haunted me for the last decade of my life.  My goal is to look at this as a 'life style change' and not just a ploy to lose a couple of pounds.

In reality, I could lose those 3 pounds in 2 weeks if I started restricting my calories.  But, I like the gym, and I like the definition in my muscles.  I just need to find a good balance so I'm not binge-ing on the days that I don't have a structured gym regimen.  I also need to come to terms with my 'fuller' body.  I am no longer just skin and bones.  I have muscle.  Weird.

I haven't really binged like that badly in about a year, and I think the reason that it's happening sometimes now is because of the change of lifestyle.  My mind/body are having a WTF moment or two.  I just hope that sticking to this will actually make my life better and make me happier.

Ok, I'm going to end this post now (after rambling on for an hour!) by thanking J for suggesting that I share my journey with the world (or whoever is reading this) by writing a blog about it.  If you or someone are suffering an eating disorder I would highly suggest seeing a counselor or a nutritionist (I did both), and I really hope that my blog makes you realize that you are not alone.

:)

Here is to the healthy-living journey's of all of you (and me)!!