Body "identifiers", and acceptance of the change

If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would allow myself to not be as thin as I could possibly be, I would have laughed and not believed you.  The mere thought of not being super skinny would leave me completely panicked. 

I was so absolutely obsessed with "thin" as my identifier, that I could not imagine myself happy in any other way.  At that time, my body defined who I was.  If I was not "Yasi, the short, skinny girl", then who was I?" 

Nobody.

(Or so I thought.)

I truly, and deeply, believed that I would not, and could not, be happy if I weighed anything over 109 pounds.  And if my weight climbed over that number, then I was damned, doomed, and done for!

This is why I did absolutely everything in my power to stay slim, and to stay under that number.  Unlike some girls who deal with ED's, mine did not involve exercise.  The reason for this is because I simply did not have the energy to complete my daily activities, let alone exercise.  And, I knew that when my activity increased my body would throw a complete shit-fit and I would lose control of my restriction.  If I did anything more than my normal routine, I would need more fuel (food), and that was a no-go.  So, my simple solution was to never be more active than I really needed to be.

What this meant was that as I lost weight (and did not exercise), I became super skinny up top, and skinny but squishy in my lower body.  My body had no definition.  I absolutely dreaded wearing bikinis, and really disliked my nude form.  I was not proud of my shape when it wasn't draped with clothing.  In clothes, I liked the fact that I looked thin-- my collar bones stuck out, my arms were waif-like.  Without clothes, I was just a squishy skinny person-- NOT that attractive.

After working on recovery for the past year and a half, my body has completely transformed.  I gained some definite weight (~10-12 pounds from my lowest weight, and ~5-7 pounds from the weight that I tried to maintain for the last couple of years before recovery).  I have also gained a lot of muscle, and some major definition and shape in my body.
Not only do I look very healthy, I am very healthy.  I am now much more active than I was-- I work out about 3x a week and I'm always up for walks, hikes, or other fun things. 

And, the reason that I can do all of these things is because I consistently feed and nourish my body.  My goal is not to be as thin as I could possibly be, it is to be fit and healthy.

In fact, I no longer identify with "thin".  But, I do identify with "athletic".  This is a huge stride for me.  Before recovery, I cringed at the word "athletic" as an identifier.  Because to me, it was almost a nicer way of saying "stocky" or "masculine", and I was terrified of being any of those things.  But, now, I don't mine describing myself as athletic, because that means that I can be as active as I want to be, and that is exciting!

This Friday, I even went on a 2.5 mile run at the gym, did strength training for a half hour, had lunch with my best friend, and an hour later went on a 2.7 mile hike with her.  A year and a half ago this would have been nearly impossible for me!

In addition, this year has been one of the first years that I've really felt comfortable with my body in a bikini.  My level of comfort has actually gone up since I first doned a bikini this Summer, so that'a a plus. :) 
And my comfort has nothing to do with looking thin in my bikini- because I don't.  I look athletic and fit.  I look like I eat normally and I work out.  And somehow, through all the positive self-talk, I've come to see 'athletic' and 'healthy' as positive descriptions.

I've actually never had as much fun during a Summer, as I have had this year.  And I attribute all of that to my recovery, and my life-style change.  Hoorah!!! :):)

♡Yasi

What it feels like to NOT want

Hi guys!
  First off, I want to tell you that something's been going on with my Blogger for weeks now-- I can't comment on anyone's posts.  :(  It's a bummer, but I am reading them!

  My post tonight was inspired by how I've been feeling lately.  In a nutshell, I feel... unrestricted.

  It's been almost a year and a half since I began this journey, and even though I have had set-backs, it's amazing how far I've come.  The Summer has always been an extremely stressful time for me.  BBQs, parties, and beach-getaways are basically protocol for every weekend.  To some people this sounds absolutely amazing.  To me, it's usually disastrous and leaves me full of anxiety for three months straight. 

  The reason for my anxiety is this... for over a decade my lovely and very thoughtful (not) eating disorder called the shots on when I got to have to fun, and when I didn't.  My oscillations in food intake and my body image dictated the things that I *let* myself do.  For example, maybe I was starving (from the non-stop restricting) on a random Thursday and it led to a huge binge.  After the episode, I would feel like such crap that I would basically sit and home all weekend trying to recover from the 'fatness' that resulted from my eating.

What if there was a party on Saturday that all my friends were going to?  Well, most of the time, I would miss the party.  Because it was more important to me to feel good about my body and my restriction, and feel 'confident and thin', than it was to enjoy the company of my friends.  In fact, if I felt fat, I felt almost 'unuitable' for other people-- as if, I was too disgusting to be around my friends.  If I somehow was convinced of going out, I would feel so terrible about myself the whole time that I completely expected to have another binge at the party.

Actually, even the parties and get-together that I felt 'good enough' to attend were messed up by my ED.  Through out my ED, I meticulously planned my intake around big events so that I was 'allowed' to eat like a normal person.  I would restrict myself the entire week so that when my friend's wedding (for example) came up, I could eat all the yummy foods.  The problem was, every time I got in these situations, I ended up gourding myself until I felt absolutely terrible.  So, my desire to be normal always ended up being very abnormal. 

I never knew how to enjoy food when I was out.  I just got so excited about all of the foods that I didn't allow myself to eat, and I had to have them all- right then and there.  Because I knew when I got home I wasn't allowed to eat any of those things.  And usually, after I returned from the parties, I would feel so awful about what I ate, that I binged for a few days afterwards (and restricted until the next time I was 'allowed' to really eat).

The funny thing is, looking back, I think that I spent more time in my head, thinking about what I could/should/would consume, than actually having fun and enjoying my time with my friends.

Sad.

But, I am happy to report, that things have changed.  It's weird, but completely right, at the same time.  It's weird because I can't remember ever enjoying my Summer weekends this much and not having my intake be the #1 thing on my mind.  It's so, so, right because this is how life should be, goddammit!!

Lately, I've been finding myself being extremely care-free with what I eat.  This, coming from the girl who always had a fit about which restaurants shw was comfortable enough to eat at; the same girl who didn't even TASTE peanut butter (fat fat fat fat) until she was 21 years old because she was afraid she'd love it and want to eat it all the time. 

However, since I threw all my 'eating rules' out the window, I literally have no restrictions.  When someone asks me where I'd like to eat, I don't freak out and try to pick a place with low-cal options.  Instead, I lean toward "whatever everyone else wants".  WHAT?!  Shut the front door!

I have never been a go-with-the-flow person when it comes to food.  I was always the picky one.  The one with the annoying eating habits that everyone else had to plan around.

Well, that person is no more!  And even more interestingly, I hardly ever binge at parties, or spend entire weekends thinking about food and my intake.  Now, I don't feel the pressure of foods choices because I allow myself to eat sensibly and fully at all times.  If I want chips with my sandwich, I eat them, but stop when  I'm full.  If I want dessert, I have some, but don't gourd myself on it.  This way, when the weekends come up, I'm not SO excited and obsessed with the food that I'm going to be 'allowed' to eat, because I'm always allowed to eat that food.

The point is, when we stop making food such a BIG DEAL, we take away its power.  This concept is almost child-like in it's simplicity.  When we stop making lists of foods that are off-limits or restricted, those foods aren't as appealing anymore.  (I even left some ice cream in the fridge for a week because I forgot about it.  This would have been nearly impossible a year ago because the icecream would haunt me and tempt me until I ate the last bit of it.)

Somehow, through this year and a half of ups-and-downs, I've learned to not be controlled by food. 

And it should be no big surprise that I now enjoy every one of my weekends having fun and not worrying about what I'm going to consume.  And even better?  I've grown closer to my friends, and my fun factor has hugely increased. ;)

Lots of Love, and I hope you have a fabulous weekend!

♡Yasi

My first video blog!! (Body Acceptance & challenges that I faced)

Hi, everyone!

  I hope that you had a fabulous week.  I have been toying with the idea of video blogging for a bit now.  And after seeing Sia Jane's and some other girl's vlogs, I decided to make my own.  It's a little long (~15 minutes, split into 2 smaller videos), but I guess I just had a lot to say!  I promise to make my thoughts more concise if I make any more video blogs.  But, I think it was alright for my first time! :)

I really hope that you enjoyed it.  I'd love to hear comments/feedback from you.  

Would you like me to make more video?  

Are they any specific topics you'd like to hear about?

Thanks for watching and have a great weekend!!

♡Yasi 

The reason why my blogging topics have changed and how my derriere is a literal family tree

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Hi, everyone!

  I hope you're all having a great Monday. :)  I want to address something that I've been thinking about.  As you may or may not have noticed, the topics that I blog about have changed quite a bit.  I haven't written about body or food related issues in some time, and there are a few reasons why.  The most important, most exciting, and most fantastic reason is simple:  because I haven't felt like I've had to.

Plainly, I have not been struggling with disordered eating or body image issues like I used to.  I have somehow, miraculously, gotten to a place where most of the time I like the way my body looks, and most of the time I'm not over-thinking my food choices.  Sure, there are days where I'm not happy with my body--nothing that I put on looks right, and I'm not completely comfortable with my physical self.  But, the brilliant thing is that I now know that these days are normal, they will pass, and I will most likely not feel bad about myself in a week's time.

I have learned to be patient.  ((Collective GASP!))


I have begun to cut myself some slack. ( Do I feel bloated and gross today?  Well, it might be because I'm a woman, and that type of feeling is normal at a certain time every month.  Key word:  normal!)

I try, every day, to embrace my body shape and be appreciative of the history that resides in my shape.  (Think about it-- many women in my family have this shape.  My ass shape could literally be traced in my family tree!  Cool stuff, right?!)

I tell myself, with the continuous help of my wonderful husband, that I am a 26-year old woman and that my body need not resemble that of a teenager.

I remind myself, daily, that my body is beautiful, healthy, and strong.  I am not tired 24-7, I have energy to work out and PLAY (!!), and I can take part in any activity without the topic of food taking over as the foremost thought on my mind.

For the first time, in a very, very, long time, I am seeing life with a new set of eyes.  I am enjoying so many things that I had missed out on in the past.  Now, I look forward to gatherings with friends.  I get excited about outings, BBQs, and trips.  I am able to drink beer, wine, and other alcoholic drinks, and enjoy them guilt-free.  This may seem very silly to some, but for years I did not partake in drinking because I was petrified of consuming liquid calories.  Now, I allow myself to drink occasionally.  I've even discovered that I love red wine, and some beers, too.  Woohoo for being an adult!!!

I am also fascinated with dressing and outfitting my body with clothes that flatter my shape.  More importantly, I have stopped forcing my body to be emaciated and thin so that I can fit into certain types of clothes that I deem cool.  If something doesn't look good on me, well, that sucks-- but, on to the next!

Ultimately, I have learned to RELAX!  This one is a big one for me.  I've had to teach myself to calm down, let go, and that nothing is as big of a deal as I think it is.

Example:
I feel like my thighs look HUGE in these pants.  I want to cry into my cereal.  My day is ruined.


So what?  Am I a model? (No.)  Does my livelihood depend on the fit of my pants? (No.)  Does it make me less of a person?  (Nope.)  Does this "problem" compare to any of the problems that 99.9% of the people in the world are dealing with right now?  (No...*while shrinking away, embarrassed*)


A dose of perspective is sometimes the best way to pull yourself out of a rut.




My point is, my Lovelies, that these are the reasons why my blogging topics have changed.  Now, I tend to desire blogging about fashion and style, rather than my every body-image issue.  Because, incredibly, I can deal with most of the issues myself. :)  Of course, I still read quite a few ED-related blogs and keep up with the ED-recovery community.  I will always be passionate and involved in ED issues and topics.

Well, I must go work on my thesis.

You are amazing and I am tremendously grateful for your support, love, and wonderful words.

♡Yasi  

Cutting it off

So, remember a while back when I was devastated because I had to cut my hair short in order to fix a terrible haircut?

Well, I'd say I'm really over that now!

I've become absolutely fascinated with playing with shorter hairstyles and I've been craving new haircuts monthly.  My mom thinks I'm certifiably insane, but I love it.  Before, I had a habit of utilizing my long hair as a security blanket.  But, now that it's gone I've become much more experimental with my fashion and stylistic choices.  It's so fun to get to switch up my hairstyles and my 'look', and it has actually given me a certain playful confidence. :)

So, now for the fun stuff...

Guess what I did yesterday?

!

I love it!

How do you like your hair--long, short, shaved ;) ?

Have you ever had a transformative haircut? 

Was it good or bad?

♡Yasi  

Weight loss blogs and eating disorders

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I came of age during a time when the internet was just beginning to get popular.  In middle and high school, I still had to do my school research in a real library (imagine that!).  Even though I have been active in social networking sites for quite a few years, I didn't know what personal blogging was until a couple of years ago, let alone see the point of it.

As you can see in my story here, I have a lot of experience with yo-yo dieting, restriction, and large amounts of weight loss.  What really brought this post about was that I happened to come across a genre of blogs dedicated to weight loss and dieting.  The authors of these blogs usually list their stats directly on the front page of their sites (height, weight, % fat, current weight, goal weight, weight loss, weight loss per week/month/year, etc...).  Their blogs focus on what they are eating, the diets that they are on, how much they are exercising, and how they can't wait until they reach their weight loss goals.  These sites are also riddled with 'thinspiration' images and pictures of the author's own weight loss. 

While I 'get' the fact that these blogs may help some people shed a few pounds, in terms of a weight-loss support community, I also find myself having very intense and negative feelings toward them.  Because of my story, and because of my experience with weight loss and dieting leading to eating disorders, I am extremely weary of the slippery slope that websites like these present.

Many of these blogs discuss 'being bad' and 'being good' with regards to food.

As in...

"My friends bought me a birthday cake for my birthday, and I didn't have ONE bite.  I was so good!  It was difficult, but I am so proud of myself!"

or chastising posts like...

"I was SO bad this weekend.  I went to a party and ate so many BAD foods.  I totally broke my diet.  I'm so mad at myself.  Why can't I just control myself around food?"

(Just to clarify... the above examples of posts are fictional.  But, they are thoughts that I have previously written in my own journals, and they are very similar, thematically, to what I have found on many weight-loss blogs.)

Having gone through similar scenarios, I know that once you start categorizing food as 'good' or 'bad', you're in trouble.  Food is fuel.  Calories and fats are gas for your engine.  It makes me so sad to see that these beautiful people are breaking down their happiness into how much weight they did or didn't lose.  It devastates me to see they view their lives as somewhat incomplete until they get to that 'goal weight'.

But, the reason that I'm so bothered is that I could have been one of them.

I feel so lucky that I didn't have the access to blogs when I was going through the height of my weight loss or yo-yo dieting.  All I had to 'vent' in were my own personal journals-- a place where I could keep my crazy thoughts safe and sound.  A place where no one but me could "comment" on what I had written. 

Nobody else but me could instantly 'congratulate' me on my weight loss, or give me tips on how to lose weight.

If I had been a blogger at the height of my eating disorder, I would have inevitably had a thinspiration or weight loss blog.  I would have felt pressure and competition with other weight loss bloggers, and I'm positive that my eating disorder would have been incredibly more detrimental that it was.

I want so badly to tell every one of these bloggers that diets DON'T work.  Most people find that it is tremendously difficult to stay on a restrictive diet, and there are usually three outcomes: maintained weight loss (if your body is naturally happy with the lower weight), weight gain greater or equal to what was lost, or, in the worst case, continous disordered eating for the rest of one's life.

I'm certainly not one to want to discourage people from getting healthy.  I just want to save them from the inevitable crash that is to come if they strive to keep their weight at a place that is not comfortable for their body.  I want to save them from years of disordered thinking.  I want to tell them to eat intuitively, let their weight land where it may, and accept their bodies   I want to tell them that they are beautiful, and that they should throw out the scale.

And I've tried.  I've done all of the above.  But, most of the time it doesn't make a difference. 

Because they haven't learned all the lessons.
They havent gone through the experiences.
They haven't been disillusioned by the diet and weight-loss world.

Because they still believe that once they get to that goal weight they can start living.

And nothing that I say will change their beliefs, just as nothing that anyone told me in the throes of my ED changed mine.


How do you feel about weight loss/thinspiration blogs? 
(I didn't get into pro-ana blogs because that is a long post in and of itself!)

Do you think that it's possible for weight loss blogs to lead to eating disorders?

♡Yasi

Being OK with being 'average' & countering negative body-image thoughts

Recently, I've felt pretty good.  Stable, at peace (most of the time), and happy with my body.  In fact, I wrote a whole entry about it here!

However, as I wrote in the aforementioned post, I still have slip ups.  The key, though, is to quickly counter these negative thoughts and to make myself feel better about my body and the way I look.  

I have to be honest, there probably is not one time that I look in the mirror and think "wow, I am so thin-I look GREAT!".  The reason for that is because I don't look very thin anymore.  I look average.  I am not fat, I am not chubby, but I'm not uber thin.  And for so long being the thinnest I could possibly be was one of the top priorities in my life.  Having an 'average' weight was absolutely not an option.  Being 'healthy' looking was not good enough.  I wanted to look extremely thin.  I wanted to look a little malnourished, because to me, that was attractive.  >WHAT?<  

Yes, it's true.  I thought that the thinner I looked, the better I looked.  The less 'average-sized' I was, the more proud I was of myself and my drive to 'stay thin'.  I even felt like a better and more accomplished person when I was very thin.  "No, I don't want to eat lunch, I'm not hungry at all."--even when I was starving.  

What's even more sad is that recently I have been peaking at pictures of myself throughout the last few years.  I remember the exact body-image feelings that I held in almost every single one of those pictures.  And in almost 80-90% of them I remember feeling utterly disgusted with my 'fat, chubby body'.  I remember how I berated my body while getting dressed for every single event.  I recall the excruciating hate that I single-handedly peppered myself with (daily, if not every time I caught my own reflection in a mirror).  My getting dressed and feeling terrible about myself, and constant state of hunger, left me in a terrible mood almost all of the time.  I tainted every single experience I ever had with horrible and ugly thoughts about my being.

I cannot describe to you how sorry I feel for my former self.  I wish I could go back in time and shake myself and tell me that I am absolutely insane if I think that 107 pounds is fat.  But, alas, it probably would not make a difference--as I hadn't yet learned all of the lessons I needed to learn to get to the place that I am now.

My point, though, with this post is to tell you that I still get those ugly thoughts in my head when I get dressed, or when I look in the mirror.  But, now I have learned that I cannot trust my own initial reaction to the way that I look.  If I thought that I looked disgusting and fat when I was obviously so thin, then, clearly, I have a warped way of viewing myself.  

What I try my hardest to do now is to dress in clothes that make me feel good about myself.  If I don't like how a pair of jeans is fitting, then I change into another pair that make me feel better (or I wear a dress or a skirt).  

Then, if I still look in the mirror and get terrible "I'm so fat-- I need to lose 5 pounds NOW" thoughts, I remind myself that I thought those exact things even at my thinnest, and that losing weight will NOT make me feel better about myself.  I remind myself that I look healthy and that's a great thing.  I'm not hungry all of the time.  I can enjoy food with everyone, without having to worry about calories and weight.

But, in order to get to this place, I had to do one thing:  I had to learn to be OK with having an average weight.  I'm sure I am still considered 'thin' for someone my size, but to me, I am just average now.  My ultimate goal is to prioritize my life and my self-worth to revolve around my experiences and not the number of pounds that my body weighs.  And if that means that I look not-as-thin, but can go out and have a good time with my friends and family and not constantly worry about food,weight, and how thin/fat I look in my jeans, then it's absolutely worth it to me.

 =)

When food loses its power

Yay!!!  Cheers all around!

Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I would write this post.  In fact, I've attempted to write this post three times today already--Each time, writing one sentence, and closing out the page.

So, here goes...

After 1 year and 2 months of working on overcoming my ED-thoughts, and intuitively eating (more recently) and exercising regularly, I believe that I have in fact gotten 'THERE'.
Where is there?  THERE is the place where I eat based on hunger, where I enjoy foods that I'm craving, where I exercise when I want, where I look at my body and like how it looks.  The reason that I was so hesitant to write this post was because I still have days when I feel 'fat', days when I'm down, days when I look at pictures of 'skinny' me and wish that I was thin again (because I looked soooo much better, right?  WRONG!).  But, I finally decided to write the post anyway, because most of the time I am happy with the way I feel and look.  Most importantly, though, I am writing this post because I have finally gotten to a place where I'm not afraid of food.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I am not kidding you when I say that I can't believe I actually wrote the above words.  How can I not be afraid of food?  How can I not fear the calories that are in everything?  How can I not constantly be thinking about food (because if I'm not constantly analyzing my intake I will gain 1,000 pounds and DIE.  Right?  WRONG!)?

Well, somehow, through all my trials and tribulations, through all the ups and downs, through all the crying and skin-tugging, through all the stress of gaining 5 pounds of healthy muscle, I made it here.  Let me tell you this:  I have not restricted in months.  I have eaten consistently without restricting my intake.  And in the last couple of months, I have practically stopped counting calories.  Sure, if a menu shows calorie counts, I'll browse over the numbers.  But, now, it may or may not affect my choice-- I will still order what I'm craving.  The brilliant part, however, is that I've somehow learned to keep eating until I'm hungry and to stop eating when I'm full.

So, basically, in my 26 years on this Earth, my eating habits have reverted back to childhood-- when everything was instinctive.  Bravo!  BRA-VO, Yasi!!  


The most wonderful part, though, is the dissolution of the control I just had to have over my food intake.  I used to literally freak out if I ran out of my usual 'safe foods'.  If I didn't have the breakfast foods that I was comfortable with, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  Same with lunch-- if we didn't have foods that I had deemed 'okay to eat', I just wouldn't eat.  Now, somehow, miraculously, food has lost its power over me.  Instead of planning my meals out way ahead of time, I now have the attitude of a 16-year old boy (again, much age-reverted improvement on my part ;) ).  It's more: open the fridge, "What do we have to eat?  I'm hungry!".


If I was British, this is where I would say: This is bloody brilliant!!


Getting here was NOT easy.  It sucked.  It sucked a big one.  I had to gain weight.  I gained about five pounds, and hated every one of them.  My body shape changed completely.  Instead of having a small top and a 'squishy' bottom, my body evened out.  My skinny arms got bigger, and my legs toned up.  I had to buy new pants because I went up a size.  Even the shape of my face changed!

In the beginning, I had a lot of binges because I didn't know how to control myself.  I didn't know if my body really wanted/needed something or if I was eating something for the sake of eating.  And I'll say it again, gaining those five pounds SUCKED.

But, overtime I have learned to like my bigger, more firm, healthy body (most of the time!).  I had to learn to like the way I looked, and somehow this improved my self-confidence.  A funny fact is that when I was in the throes of my ED, I felt ugly if I wasn't wearing make-up.  Like, HIDEOUS ugly.  In the last few months, I've grown to appreciate the way I look, even bare-faced.  I now only wear make-up when I feel like it, and wear much less of it. =)

On top of all that, a couple of months ago, I got a terrible haircut which prompted me to cut all my hair off.  I really think that my hair was the last security blanket from my 'ED days'.  With my long hair I kept comparing myself to the 'skinny me'.  Like, gosh I was so pretty and skinny back then with my long hair.  Well, my hair's still the same, so I technically *could* look that way again if I just lost a few pounds.  Chopping my hair off made me look entirely different.  With my hair way shorter (and cuter, I think!), I didn't look anything like the skinny/ED me.  It really was a final push to separate myself from my ED-ways... almost like a reward.
With my new hair, I even started changing up the way I dressed to fit my healthier body.  I was (am) inspired!  And inspiration can only lead to great things.
Overall, I'm not sure how important a 'new look' is for other Recoveries, but it really helped me embrace the new 'healthier me'.

But back to the reason why I finally decided to write this post.  To be honest, the reason that I decided to write it was because I wanted to show you guys that it is possible to get to a place where you're happy with what you're eating, and happy with how you're feeling and how you look.  I feel like I sound like a self-help book, but recovery is possible!  Full happiness is possible!  

But, even as I write this, I know that I'm still going to struggle on and off.  And you know what?  That's OK, and it's very normal. :)


I love you all so much, and couldn't have gotten to this place without all of your help, your kind words, and your support. <3

~Yasi

Positive Changes



I started this journey to becoming healthy in January of last year.  A year and a few months later, I'm at a much better place.  Of course, I have bad days.  But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is so much better.  Here are all the great things about being in a healthier place:

1.  I get to EAT!  I am able to eat yummy foods multiple times a day because that's normal and healthy.

2.  I can eat a variety of things without feelings terrible.

3.  I binge much less frequently since I'm not restricting myself.

4.  Food is GOOD!

5.  I have gotten to buy new clothes, especially pants.  Who doesn't love shopping?!

6.  My changing body has forced me to change the way I dress, and that's a good thing.  Variety is the spice of life.

7.  I lived through a bad haircut incident, which forced me to cut my long hair (that acted as my ED security blanket).  I now love my short hair, so much, that I got another haircut yesterday. =)

8.  My entire body has changed from working out.  I look healthy and STRONG.

9.  My legs, butt, and stomach are obvious, but they have wonderful definition.

10. I can be as active as I want, and I can use food to refuel.  I no longer sit around not doing things because I have no energy.

11. I can go out on hikes, run around, and do fun things with J and other people because I'm not afraid of what the food schedule will be.  I know that when I'm hungry, I can eat whatever is available.  And I'm actually OK with it.  Whoa!

12. I'm not afraid of bingeing while travelling, and of always worrying about food on my trips.  My normal eating lets me have a great time, and eat intuitively when I'm *hungry*.  Gasp!

13. And finally, I can enjoy food AND life-- at the same time!

=)


So, tell me, what are the great things about recovery for you?

Accepting and shopping for a healthy 'new' body

Please be aware that this post discusses clothing sizes and may be triggering for some.  If these topics trigger you, please do not proceed.  =)

I was just catching up on your new blog posts, and I read Lily's and Kelsey's posts on how difficult it is to shop and outfit a new and different, curvier, and healthier body.  I've posted about this a few times before, but, I think it's an issue a lot of us recoverers have to deal with, so I'm going to write about it again.

The honest truth is, one year ago when I decided that I was going to get healthier, work out, and eat better (and not in an ED-way), I didn't fully realize what I was getting myself into.  I wasn't aware of the emotional, difficult, and frightening road that was ahead of me.  And most notably, I did not even fathom that gaining weight and possibly not-fitting into my clothes was going to be an issue.-- this probably speaks to how completely unaware I was of suffering from disordered eating.  I thought I was just 'watching my weight' and making sure I didn't get 'fat'.

What brought on this post is that I had to go shopping for jeans this weekend.  Being a fashion-loving gal I desperately 'needed' a pair of jeggings that fit me correctly.  I had spent the past year wrestling, kickboxing, and playing tug-of-war with my size 0 skinny jeans.  I would pull them on, and they would want to spring off my muscular thighs and ass like a cheetah after a meaty antelope.  Sometimes I would  wear the jeans even though they were uncomfortable.  Why?  Because they were a size 0 and I despised the fact that my jean size had gone up.  DESPISED.  It made (still makes) me feel like a failure.

Now, my jean size is ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE.  I cannot tell you how aggravating and challenging this is.  I can no longer go into a store and pick up a size 0 knowing that they will most likely fit (picking up a size 2, just in case).  I now have to grab anywhere from a size 0, 2, 3, and 4 for my curvy and healthy body (Oh no!  NOT a FOUR!!!!  What the hell does size FOUR mean, anyway?).  Yesterday was one of the days where I had to not only face a size 4 jean, I actually bought them because they looked nice on me.  However, just because I bought them doesn't mean I've stopped berating myself for 'getting fat enough' for a size 4.

What's really sad about the ordeal is that I *know* that women's sizes are complete bullshit.  This completely ridiculous bullshit concept was even proven to me in the same Express dressing room that I decided to buy the size 4 jeans.

I had grabbed a handful different types of skinny jeans in sizes 0, 2, and 4, and I had it narrowed down to a jean called the Stella, and another similar style called the Zelda.  They fit very similarly, but the colors were different:  the Stella was a dark inky wash with gold stitching, and the Zelda was a dark black wash.  Oh, and the other thing that was different about them was that the Stella that fit was a size 2, and the Zelda was a size 4!  Imagine my annoyance--two nearly identical jeans, that fit almost exactly the same, but in two completely different sizes!

Why, why , WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knowing that I liked the black-wash (size 4) Zelda's better, I was faced with a difficult, but rather absurd, decision.  Do I buy the Stella's because they were a size 2, or do I buy the Zelda's in a SIZE FOUR?  Do I succumb to my sad state of 'fat-ness', or do I buy the jeans I like less because the size tag makes me happier?

After much debate I finally decided that I liked the black-wash Zelda's.  I even changed out of the pinching size 0 skinny jeans that I had worn to the mall, and pulled on my new big-girl jeans in the dressing room (after paying for them, of course!).

I wish that I could tell you buying the cute Zelda jeans made me realize that it's ok for me to be a size 4, and that I had some huge epiphany.  But, the truth is, I didn't.

Even though I know that I could fit into a size 2 in a similar jean and I'm not a fat-ass, and even though I generally like my new healthy and fit body, I still hate that I have to buy a bigger pant size.  I miss feeling like a dainty little thing.

That night, I put on my new jeans and went out and had drinks with J.  What else could I do?

I even took pictures of myself in a mirror to prove to myself that I look fine, and that I'm not 'fat'.  I took the pictures because I knew that I could look at them later and realize that the crazy was all in my head, and not reality.

So, tell me...

Have you ever had a similar experience?

What did you do?

If you are recovered or in recovery how do you deal with shopping for your healthier body?

Be your own Valentine!

This Valentine's Day, take time to celebrate your love for 

the Love of your life

and the animals that you love 

but, also take time to celebrate

your hair, 

the way it was intended to look, 

(no matter how crazy!)

your beautiful, strong arms,

and your yummy tummy.

This Valentine's Day, love your thighs, love your butt, love your Loooove-Handles (!), love your cheeks, love your neck, love your hands, love your feet, love your nose, love your toes, love your fingers, love your teeth, love your ears, love your elbows, love your knees, and just love all of yourself.  

Look in the mirror and say: 

"I Love You!"

This Valentine's Day, in addition to all of the other Valentine's that I'm sure you all have, be your own Valentine.  

Because nothing deserves more love than your own body, heart, mind, and soul! 

<3

Happy Valentine's Day, Loves!

A Bump in the road... How do I get over this?

I am not a hateful person.  I love love.  And I try really hard not to use the word hate, or think of hate.

So why do I act so hatefully toward my body?  Why do I curse it out?  Why is it that when I look at my body all I can think is:

"You are disgusting!"
"You are so round!"
"You are FAT!"
"You are a blob!"
"Look at your thighs!"
"Look at your stomach!"
"Look at your huge ass!"
"You are SO pudgy!"
"Your body is disgusting!"

... and many other hateful thoughts.

Ever since I started eating regularly again I feel the same hateful thoughts toward my body.  All the time.

Today I freaked out on J and told him all of my thoughts and cried and threw things.

He tried so hard to calm me down and tell me that I'm beautiful and that my body is perfect and healthy, and that I'm not fat at all.

But then I continued to freak out on him.  And I looked up at him and saw a look on his face I have never seen before.  He looked like an innocent 12 year old version of himself, faced with something more complicated than he could ever deal with.

This scares me more than I can describe.  I cannot overwhelm the man who is my Love, my Rock, with my sick and ridiculous eating disorder.


I can't let my mental disorder, my stupid absolutely fucked up eating disorder, infect my relationship.

I can't.

How do I stop hating my body?  How do I look at it and embrace that I have curves?

I don't know how women who are bigger do it.  How do they look at the roundness of their bodies and love it?

My body will change at different times in my life.  Maybe some day I will be pregnant.  Some day I will get old and my body may get saggy.

How can I love my body?

How?

Hating it consumes me.  Hating is just expending useless energy.

I am not a hateful person.  Why do I hate on my body?

Please, I'm asking those of you who have gotten past this part of recovery... How do you learn to love your new bodies?

Help.

Let it Pass...

Getting over an ED is challenging.  It's a mind fuck.

I can feel absolutely fine and happy with my body one day, and the next I feel like a big fat blob.  It's abnormal- I realize this.

But it's all in my head.

On Saturday I went out for my bachelorette party and I felt beautiful.  My body felt good and firm and attractive.

I ate out for almost every meal on Saturday and Sunday.  I hadn't binged, but I hadn't kept track of my calories and I didn't have the chance to work out.  I hadn't had 100% control over what I had consumed.

On Sunday night I looked in the mirror and felt like a big Fatty McFatPants.  I felt like I gained 5 pounds.  I hated how my body looked.  It was depressing.

Situations like this come up almost bi-weekly.  And it sucks a big one.  So, what do I do?  How do I tackle this problem?

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to tell myself that it's all in my head and that it will pass.

It.will.pass.

And it always does.  It has to, because it's in my head.  Sometimes it's even so extreme to where I feel like I have a complete fugly and fat body at night, and when I wake up in the morning I feel slender and am happy with my body.

So, it has to be in my head.  My body is not gaining or losing visible amounts of weight in 12 hours.  It's not physically possible.

On another note, I have completely stopped weighing myself since the little ED flare up a few weeks back.  I figure that as long as I eat well and exercise, my weight will not really change.  My clothes all fit the same, so that's all I care about.

But anyway, the point of this post is that I have realized, furthermore, that most of the crazy is in my head and not in reality.

 =)

Beautiful Body

A lot of people know about my ED.  I make a point to get it out there.  I feel that if it can happen to me, it may be happening to other people around me, and I could help them because I've been there.

When I visited my best friend in Virginia I told her about my 2 week bout with ED before I came to visit her and how I had been doing so well in recovery beforehand.  And I told her how I just have to accept my body for how it is.  She is the thinnest, blondest, tallest girl you have ever seen.  She's 6'1" and 120 pounds.  She's athletic, and she's never had an eating disorder in her life.  I've always been envious of girls with "American/European" body types.  And for so long my goal was to make my body look like that--by starving.

Apparently I'm smart enough to get a Bachelor's in Human Biology and a Master's in Epidemiology, but I have trouble realizing that my body and my bone structure won't ever change.

This has been the biggest obstacle in my recovery-- coming to terms with MY body type.  Basically, accepting that my body will not ever look like the bodies of any of hollywood's petite starlets.  I have hips that are wider.  I have long limbs which make my torso looks shorter.  I have a flat stomach and a butt that is here for life.  And I will never have a gap between my legs (unless I'm starving myself).

I was telling my best friend all of the above and she said "it's so funny that you are so self conscious about your body, because you come off so confident about your looks!".  And it's true, I am confident about my looks on the outside.  I'm almost always confident about my face, but then I just kill my body with criticism.

I stand in front of the mirror, naked, inspecting my body.  Was that dimple there 2 days ago?  Is my stomach protruding?  Do my legs look like tree trunks?  Are my clavicles sticking out?  Do I look thin?  Worse, do I look FAT??

What I've been trying to do recently is stare in the mirror and pick out the things I love about my body.  And then look at my body as a whole and realize that I am lucky to have what I have.

I did this tonight.

THIS is my body type.  This is the body that will get me through life.  This is the body that I have toned through exercise and through non-starvation.  This is a beautiful body.  My body is beautiful.

=)

5 Pounds of Love

Hello my Loves!
  How have you been?  I haven't written in a little bit and I missed you all.

If you've kept up on my posts you would know that I had a really rough few weeks with my eating disorder flaring up.  But then I somehow miraculously came to my senses when I realized that restricting my eating and being obsessed with losing a couple of pounds was making me down right MISERABLE.

In short, I was a bitch.  I was constantly hungry, annoyed, and short with people and the only thing that made me happy was getting on the scale and seeing my weight drop from 113 to 111 to 109.  I was completely preoccupied with making the number drop and doing everything to make sure that it at least stayed at 109.  And I know this is random, but my nails were constantly chipping.  Which meant that I wasn't get the right nutrition.  When I was eating correctly, my nails were beautiful and strong and NEVER chipped!

I went to Chicago for the 4th of July with J and I spent the entire time figuring out ways to consume the least amount of calories possible while still having fun (I really DID have fun though, so that's good!).  We went to the Taste of Chicago which is this little fest where you can buy tickets and get tastes of all kinds of different foods from a variety of restaurants in Chicago.  And I ate as little as I could while still trying to be normal and 'taste' things.  Mehhh.

And you know what sucks?  Coming home drunk and knowing that eating something would make you feel SO much better b/c you don't feel good, and sitting there agonizing over of the number of calories in a Nature Valley bar.  Because OBVIOUSLY eating that would ruin you.  Obviously.

We came back from Chicago on Monday and guess what I did that night?  Semi-Binged.  I had freaking starved myself for 2 weeks and I was hungry.  I was supposed to leave for Virginia to visit my best friend on Wednesday and on Tuesday I came this this realization.  I realized that I didn't want to spend my entire vacation in Virginia worrying about what I was eating or counting calories.  And thank God I came to that conclusion when I did.  Because it helped me have a hell of a great time with my best friend!!
We went to the gym or did some sort of physical activity every day.  And then we would lay out or go to the beach.  I also ate completely normally and it was GREAT.  I had a freaking blast!!

I have gained back the weight I lost in the two weeks I spent miserable.  But I'm ok with it.

Boy, have I come a long way since a 7 months a go.  5 pounds heavier, but much happier.  And you know what, I think I wear these 5 pounds well.  These are 5 pounds of muscle, 5 pounds of good times, 5 pounds of NOT starving, 5 pounds of not being a bitch, 5 pounds of not freaking out about what I'm going to be eating, 5 pounds of having meals with my fiance and not skipping out because "I'm not hungry".  These are 5 pounds of Love.

I have my 2nd wedding dress fitting this upcoming Thursday and my bachelorette party is next Saturday.  I am SO excited.  People in my life love me for me, not for how thin I am.  I love me for me, not how bony my arms look.

I was walking out of work today and it was one of those days where I didn't have a lot of time to get ready and I felt like my outfit was a little off.  As I was walking a man said to me "Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that you are a very beautiful woman."  Verbatim, that's what he said.  I was so shocked and happy that I just looked at him and said "Thank you SO much!".  What a wonderful person he was. More people should give each other compliments.  I try to as much as I can.  I should try harder.

Little things like that go a LONG way.  I definitely spent the rest of my day feeling wonderful.

=)

So, tell me, what's new with you all?

I missed u!

I have one thing to say...

FUCK U Ed.  Fuck you and your treacherous ways.


I went to Chicago this wknd and really watched what I ate.  I came home yesterday and was starving so I ate a bunch of stuff including chocolate.  I went on the scale today and was at 112.  Apparently I gained 3 pounds while watching what I ate attentively.

I crumbled on the inside.  Then I went on the treadmill and realized how strong my legs had gotten from working out.

Ed, I will literally kick your ass.  I will physically beat you up.  You weak little piece of shit.


Fuck you.

I'm going to Virginia to visit my best friend tomorrow and I'll be damned if I restrict myself.  I had all of these plans of how I was going to forgo food and bla bla.  Eff that.  I'm going to enjoy my vacation.  Read:  I'm not going to stuff my face, but I'm not going to starve myself.  I'm gonna eat right along with everybody.

I have my dress fitting on July 21st.  I will eat normally up until then.  If I feel like a cow while trying on my dress I will consider restricting my eating 2 weeks before the wedding and losing a couple of pounds.

But this is not sustainable.  I love working out too much.  And I like being able to enjoy food with everybody.  So much of life revolves around physical activity and food.

Anyway.  I am going to enjoy my vacation in 100 degree Virginia.  I will live in my bikini and like my strong thighs and body.

I refuse to starve.  I want to have fun.

Love u all.

Will write soon =)

Thank you =)

Thank you everyone for your kind comments about my last post.  I was feeling so intensely overwhelmed. I cried for 3 hours straight!!!  And then I took a nap and woke up and felt better.

J and I resolved our issue that day, and my mom called me later in the night and our conversation was normal to good.

As for the body issues, they are still there.  I really do think I that want to slim down a couple of pounds for the wedding because I just don't feel like I look like myself.  I'm not starving myself at all.  I'm just going to continue going to the gym and I'm going to watch my portion sizes.

It's just that if there's one day that you want to look and feel your best it's your wedding day.  And if being a couple of pounds thinner will make me feel better then I think that's ok.

I realize that this looks like a slippery slope.  But I really need to do this for my own sanity in the next two months.  J knows that I'm doing it and we're discussing it and he's watching me.

I kind of feel like I'm letting you guys down a bit.  But as I said before, this is going to be the most captured day of my life and I just want to feel like myself.

The good news is that during this transformation I have learned how to eat really well and have learned to eat nutritious food (instead of keeping myself functioning with carbs!).

Again, thank you for all of your kind words.  They mean the world to me.

Sadness

This post is going to be very scattered and I apologize in advance.

Do you ever have those days where you're just sad?  And no matter what you do you can't get out of your funk?

Today is one of those days.  I am overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and sadness.  There are so many things changing in my life and sometimes I don't know how they are happening so fast.

In 2 months I am getting married, moving in with J, moving to another city, finishing up my thesis, and possibly looking for a job.

I am moving away from the city I've lived in for the last 15 years.  I'm moving away from familiar faces and places.

I'm lonely.  

I ate chocolate chip cookies and ice cream last night.  And I felt as if I was going to bust out of my jean shorts.  

I browsed other peoples wedding pictures.  They all looked so skinny and perfect in their dresses.  

I looked at my pictures from when I was skinny.  I look so happy.

I am not happy now.  I don't like the way my body looks.  I don't feel like myself.  I feel like I am stuck in somebody else's body.  I don't recognize my girth or the way my clothes fit.

I need to lose 5 pounds.  I just can't do this right now with the wedding right around the corner.  I am so stressed out.  I can't try to recover when I hate how I look.  I don't want to hate how I look on my wedding day.

I just over plucked my eyebrows and I'm freaking out a little bit.  I was just trying to get them to look equal.  I hope they grow back in by the wedding.  My face looks bare and ugly.

There are too many things going on and I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.  They won't stop.  As if there is an endless well of tears somewhere deep in my body.  It's as if my body is trying to get rid of my sadness by letting the well run dry.  But I don't think it will.

God, I have issues.

I have no family here.  And almost all my friends have moved away in the past year or 2.  

It's just my cats and me.  And when they see me they just see a walking bag of cat food and a litter scooper.

Guuuuh.

I'm sorry.

But this blog is about being honest.  And this is honesty.

Suckage

Above are pictures from last night.  We went out with some of J's work friends to celebrate his departure from the company and also his new job.  Before this recovery journey I adored my thin limbs and usually felt pretty slender when I went out.  I did not feel this way last night.  I felt healthy and I felt hefty.  I was no longer a thin body that floated around the bar.  My body felt obtrusive.

Today is one of those days where I just feel like crap about my body.  It really doesn't help that I just got my period and that I haven't been to properly move my stiff neck and my upper back in like 2 weeks.  I'm just uncomfortable.

I feel pudgy and I feel gross.  And it's really hot here which makes me feel like I'm simply expanding with the humidity.  My boobs are swollen.  Everything is just puffy.

I've been eating very regularly, which in theory is good.  I'm enjoying food, which is also good.  But goddammit why do I have to look fuller?  I hate it!!  I mean I like that I'm eating food like a normal human being, but every summer before this one was spent restricting so I never felt round or pudgy.  Well, that's a lie.  I did feel round and pudgy, but when I look at pictures now I totally wasn't!!

But now I look healthy.  In pictures I don't look really thin.  I just look normal.  And as every person with an ED knows, you don't exactly strive to be normal.

So yes.  I'm a total grump today.  And I apologize that you had to hear me bitch.

End Rant. :)

The Beach

  The above picture was taken at my friend's cottage this past Saturday.  Wanna know what my first thought was?  "This is a good picture, but OMG do I have back-fat rolls?!?!?!? WTF. zoom zoom zoom. IS THAT A ROLL?"

  So now that we have established my level of crazy, let me tell you that this was a great travel weekend for me ED-wise, even though the above story doesn't make it seem like it was.  This was the first weekend we went up to the cottage after my ED-recovery and lifestyle change that I started this past January (It's been 6 months!  WOW!!).  

  Before the lifestyle change my eating during the week consisted of restricting, and my eating during the weekend consisted of gorging myself like a big fat pig.  Well, it makes sense because that's what happens when you're starving half the week!!  So when cottage weekends came up, I would restrict even more obsessively during the week and then I would stuff myself like a Christmas Turkey when we were at the cottage.  I would eat completely non-stop, no matter if I was full or not.  

  And when you really think about it, this makes absolutely no sense!  Because when I'm at the cottage I'm in a bikini 1/2 of the time, so why would I be stuffing myself when I'm exposed to the whole world? I have NO idea!!  But I do know that I would skinny-fy myself for the cottage, and then when I got there I just couldn't take it anymore and I'd eat anything in sight.

  Well guess what?  This past weekend was the first time in a really long time that I didn't do that!!!!  I ate more than I would eat on a normal weekend, because cottage weekends revolve around the cooking skills and grilling-wars of The Guys, and we eat what they make.  And they make A LOT of food.  But even though I ate all the meals that were provided, I stopped eating when I was full.  In addition, we usually go to a little store and pick up alcohol and other things we forgot to bring to the cabin.  This trip usually consists of me ransacking the store for s'mores fixings or some other huge bag of chocolate.  But I didn't do that this weekend!!!  I picked up an ice cream bar b/c I was 'preparing' myself for my crazy late-night cottage chocolate cravings, but then I realized that I don't need to 'stock up' just to fill my needless craving later, so I PUT IT BACK.  I didn't want ice cream at that moment, and well, tough luck for me if I started wanting it later.

  So all in all, a great trip.  We got some sun, and I didn't feel absolutely disgusting in my bikini.  I know I look bigger than some other trips to the cabin, but I look more fit now.  More fab than skinny flab.  

  =)

**Questions for you:

When you travel, do you eat out of control?

Do you restrict your eating before taking a big trip?  Especially one that involves bikinis/swimwear?