Being OK with being 'average' & countering negative body-image thoughts

Recently, I've felt pretty good.  Stable, at peace (most of the time), and happy with my body.  In fact, I wrote a whole entry about it here!

However, as I wrote in the aforementioned post, I still have slip ups.  The key, though, is to quickly counter these negative thoughts and to make myself feel better about my body and the way I look.  

I have to be honest, there probably is not one time that I look in the mirror and think "wow, I am so thin-I look GREAT!".  The reason for that is because I don't look very thin anymore.  I look average.  I am not fat, I am not chubby, but I'm not uber thin.  And for so long being the thinnest I could possibly be was one of the top priorities in my life.  Having an 'average' weight was absolutely not an option.  Being 'healthy' looking was not good enough.  I wanted to look extremely thin.  I wanted to look a little malnourished, because to me, that was attractive.  >WHAT?<  

Yes, it's true.  I thought that the thinner I looked, the better I looked.  The less 'average-sized' I was, the more proud I was of myself and my drive to 'stay thin'.  I even felt like a better and more accomplished person when I was very thin.  "No, I don't want to eat lunch, I'm not hungry at all."--even when I was starving.  

What's even more sad is that recently I have been peaking at pictures of myself throughout the last few years.  I remember the exact body-image feelings that I held in almost every single one of those pictures.  And in almost 80-90% of them I remember feeling utterly disgusted with my 'fat, chubby body'.  I remember how I berated my body while getting dressed for every single event.  I recall the excruciating hate that I single-handedly peppered myself with (daily, if not every time I caught my own reflection in a mirror).  My getting dressed and feeling terrible about myself, and constant state of hunger, left me in a terrible mood almost all of the time.  I tainted every single experience I ever had with horrible and ugly thoughts about my being.

I cannot describe to you how sorry I feel for my former self.  I wish I could go back in time and shake myself and tell me that I am absolutely insane if I think that 107 pounds is fat.  But, alas, it probably would not make a difference--as I hadn't yet learned all of the lessons I needed to learn to get to the place that I am now.

My point, though, with this post is to tell you that I still get those ugly thoughts in my head when I get dressed, or when I look in the mirror.  But, now I have learned that I cannot trust my own initial reaction to the way that I look.  If I thought that I looked disgusting and fat when I was obviously so thin, then, clearly, I have a warped way of viewing myself.  

What I try my hardest to do now is to dress in clothes that make me feel good about myself.  If I don't like how a pair of jeans is fitting, then I change into another pair that make me feel better (or I wear a dress or a skirt).  

Then, if I still look in the mirror and get terrible "I'm so fat-- I need to lose 5 pounds NOW" thoughts, I remind myself that I thought those exact things even at my thinnest, and that losing weight will NOT make me feel better about myself.  I remind myself that I look healthy and that's a great thing.  I'm not hungry all of the time.  I can enjoy food with everyone, without having to worry about calories and weight.

But, in order to get to this place, I had to do one thing:  I had to learn to be OK with having an average weight.  I'm sure I am still considered 'thin' for someone my size, but to me, I am just average now.  My ultimate goal is to prioritize my life and my self-worth to revolve around my experiences and not the number of pounds that my body weighs.  And if that means that I look not-as-thin, but can go out and have a good time with my friends and family and not constantly worry about food,weight, and how thin/fat I look in my jeans, then it's absolutely worth it to me.

 =)

When food loses its power

Yay!!!  Cheers all around!

Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I would write this post.  In fact, I've attempted to write this post three times today already--Each time, writing one sentence, and closing out the page.

So, here goes...

After 1 year and 2 months of working on overcoming my ED-thoughts, and intuitively eating (more recently) and exercising regularly, I believe that I have in fact gotten 'THERE'.
Where is there?  THERE is the place where I eat based on hunger, where I enjoy foods that I'm craving, where I exercise when I want, where I look at my body and like how it looks.  The reason that I was so hesitant to write this post was because I still have days when I feel 'fat', days when I'm down, days when I look at pictures of 'skinny' me and wish that I was thin again (because I looked soooo much better, right?  WRONG!).  But, I finally decided to write the post anyway, because most of the time I am happy with the way I feel and look.  Most importantly, though, I am writing this post because I have finally gotten to a place where I'm not afraid of food.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I am not kidding you when I say that I can't believe I actually wrote the above words.  How can I not be afraid of food?  How can I not fear the calories that are in everything?  How can I not constantly be thinking about food (because if I'm not constantly analyzing my intake I will gain 1,000 pounds and DIE.  Right?  WRONG!)?

Well, somehow, through all my trials and tribulations, through all the ups and downs, through all the crying and skin-tugging, through all the stress of gaining 5 pounds of healthy muscle, I made it here.  Let me tell you this:  I have not restricted in months.  I have eaten consistently without restricting my intake.  And in the last couple of months, I have practically stopped counting calories.  Sure, if a menu shows calorie counts, I'll browse over the numbers.  But, now, it may or may not affect my choice-- I will still order what I'm craving.  The brilliant part, however, is that I've somehow learned to keep eating until I'm hungry and to stop eating when I'm full.

So, basically, in my 26 years on this Earth, my eating habits have reverted back to childhood-- when everything was instinctive.  Bravo!  BRA-VO, Yasi!!  


The most wonderful part, though, is the dissolution of the control I just had to have over my food intake.  I used to literally freak out if I ran out of my usual 'safe foods'.  If I didn't have the breakfast foods that I was comfortable with, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  Same with lunch-- if we didn't have foods that I had deemed 'okay to eat', I just wouldn't eat.  Now, somehow, miraculously, food has lost its power over me.  Instead of planning my meals out way ahead of time, I now have the attitude of a 16-year old boy (again, much age-reverted improvement on my part ;) ).  It's more: open the fridge, "What do we have to eat?  I'm hungry!".


If I was British, this is where I would say: This is bloody brilliant!!


Getting here was NOT easy.  It sucked.  It sucked a big one.  I had to gain weight.  I gained about five pounds, and hated every one of them.  My body shape changed completely.  Instead of having a small top and a 'squishy' bottom, my body evened out.  My skinny arms got bigger, and my legs toned up.  I had to buy new pants because I went up a size.  Even the shape of my face changed!

In the beginning, I had a lot of binges because I didn't know how to control myself.  I didn't know if my body really wanted/needed something or if I was eating something for the sake of eating.  And I'll say it again, gaining those five pounds SUCKED.

But, overtime I have learned to like my bigger, more firm, healthy body (most of the time!).  I had to learn to like the way I looked, and somehow this improved my self-confidence.  A funny fact is that when I was in the throes of my ED, I felt ugly if I wasn't wearing make-up.  Like, HIDEOUS ugly.  In the last few months, I've grown to appreciate the way I look, even bare-faced.  I now only wear make-up when I feel like it, and wear much less of it. =)

On top of all that, a couple of months ago, I got a terrible haircut which prompted me to cut all my hair off.  I really think that my hair was the last security blanket from my 'ED days'.  With my long hair I kept comparing myself to the 'skinny me'.  Like, gosh I was so pretty and skinny back then with my long hair.  Well, my hair's still the same, so I technically *could* look that way again if I just lost a few pounds.  Chopping my hair off made me look entirely different.  With my hair way shorter (and cuter, I think!), I didn't look anything like the skinny/ED me.  It really was a final push to separate myself from my ED-ways... almost like a reward.
With my new hair, I even started changing up the way I dressed to fit my healthier body.  I was (am) inspired!  And inspiration can only lead to great things.
Overall, I'm not sure how important a 'new look' is for other Recoveries, but it really helped me embrace the new 'healthier me'.

But back to the reason why I finally decided to write this post.  To be honest, the reason that I decided to write it was because I wanted to show you guys that it is possible to get to a place where you're happy with what you're eating, and happy with how you're feeling and how you look.  I feel like I sound like a self-help book, but recovery is possible!  Full happiness is possible!  

But, even as I write this, I know that I'm still going to struggle on and off.  And you know what?  That's OK, and it's very normal. :)


I love you all so much, and couldn't have gotten to this place without all of your help, your kind words, and your support. <3

~Yasi

Traveling lightly, while staying fashionable

I have another confession.

I have a problem.

I'm a truly, absolutely, RIDICULOUS PACKER.

Even when I go on overnight trips I stuff my mini suitcase with multiple pairs of jeans, shoes, sweaters, shirts, etc.  But you see, it's not because I love carrying these things with me.  It's because I always want to be prepared!  Disco night at your local bar?  Let me just pull out my afro wig! ;)

With an upcoming 2-week trip to Los Angeles to visit my family, I was forced to think of ways to pack lightly.  The main reason for this is because I'm taking the relatively cheap Spirit airlines, and I'm only allowed 1 personal item on the plane (or I have to pay for extra), and each suitcase is about $30.  Holy cow, those are a lot of extra charges!!  I'm used to having my back pack, purse, and carry-on suitcase *with* me, and I always put an extra piece of luggage in my large suitcase, so I can bring a bunch of stuff back home with me.  Well, friends, that ain't happening this year.

I figured it would be a fun project to put together multiple Spring outfits, using the least amount of pieces (and space!).  And I must say that I definitely succeeded! =)  The key was to pack interesting, and most importantly, *neutral* pieces that would go together effortlessly.

I used 12 pieces (not including accessories), and made 12 different outfits (many more to be created, I'm sure).  Most of the outfit pictures include the boots, but I could have worn the flats instead.

Here are the numbers:

-2 jackets
-1 light cardigan
-2 light sweaters (white and tan)
-4 tank tops (white, grey, black, beige and white striped)
-2 skirts (grey, black and white polka dot)
-1 wool shorts

Accessories:
-1 scarf
-1 belt
-1 pair of riding boots
-1 pair of flats
-1 satchel
-3 pairs of tights (grey, brown, black)

All in all, a VERY small pile. 

Success, I say!  Greeeeat success! =)

Here are the outfits:

white tank

blue jacket

polka dot skirt

riding boots

white tank

blue jacket

belt

polka dot skirt

riding boots

white tank

denim jacket

belt

polka dot skirt

flats

white tank

beige sweater

denim jacket

polka dot skirt

grey tights

riding boots

white tank

white sweater

blue jacket

scarf

grey skirt

black tights

riding boots

white tank

white sweater

scarf

grey skirt

black tights

riding boots

black tank

grey cardigan

belt

black tights

riding boots

grey tank

denim jacket

black tights

riding boots

striped tank

wool shorts

brown tights

riding boots

striped tank

white sweater

wool shorts

brown tights

riding boots

striped tank

white sweater

denim jacket

wool shorts

brown tights

riding boots

striped tank

white sweater

grey cardigan

wool shorts

brown tights

riding boots

So, tell me... Do you pack lightly, or do you stuff your bag with whatever you can carry (like me!)?

Positive Changes



I started this journey to becoming healthy in January of last year.  A year and a few months later, I'm at a much better place.  Of course, I have bad days.  But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is so much better.  Here are all the great things about being in a healthier place:

1.  I get to EAT!  I am able to eat yummy foods multiple times a day because that's normal and healthy.

2.  I can eat a variety of things without feelings terrible.

3.  I binge much less frequently since I'm not restricting myself.

4.  Food is GOOD!

5.  I have gotten to buy new clothes, especially pants.  Who doesn't love shopping?!

6.  My changing body has forced me to change the way I dress, and that's a good thing.  Variety is the spice of life.

7.  I lived through a bad haircut incident, which forced me to cut my long hair (that acted as my ED security blanket).  I now love my short hair, so much, that I got another haircut yesterday. =)

8.  My entire body has changed from working out.  I look healthy and STRONG.

9.  My legs, butt, and stomach are obvious, but they have wonderful definition.

10. I can be as active as I want, and I can use food to refuel.  I no longer sit around not doing things because I have no energy.

11. I can go out on hikes, run around, and do fun things with J and other people because I'm not afraid of what the food schedule will be.  I know that when I'm hungry, I can eat whatever is available.  And I'm actually OK with it.  Whoa!

12. I'm not afraid of bingeing while travelling, and of always worrying about food on my trips.  My normal eating lets me have a great time, and eat intuitively when I'm *hungry*.  Gasp!

13. And finally, I can enjoy food AND life-- at the same time!

=)


So, tell me, what are the great things about recovery for you?

Thank you for being awesome & pix!

Hi Friends!

  I want to thank you all for slapping me back into reality in my last post.  I will be returning the scale next time I go to the grocery store.  I know that it's best to just leave a possible downhill trigger out of my life.  So, thank you for being awesome!

  In other news, one of my best friends came over yesterday, and we had a really fun girl's day.  We went to the mall, and bought a few really cute things (which I'll probably be pointing out in future pictures!).  Then we came home, got gussied up, jammed out to tunes, and went out.  We had such a great time, and we danced for hours!

  Here are just a few outfit pix from the fabulous day:

Day Time Look

My shopping outfit--comfortable, but fun!

Navy & White striped long cardigan- Forever 21

Jeggings-Express

Riding boots- Macy's

Purse- Louis Vuitton

I absolutely adore this gold-plated and camel-colored faux leather watch.  It reminds me of everything Michael Kors, but it's from Target; and at ~$15, much much less expensive.

I accessorized with a gold and diamond heart necklace, and simple gold stud earrings.

Night Time Look

Fun and flirty navy bow top- one of my finds from today (Charlotte Russe- $15)

Shoes- a boutique in Metro-Detroit

Gold faux-lex watch- New York & Company

One gold bangle layered with the watch- Forever 21

Braided gold and white ribbon headband- Forever 21

"Paris" and heart necklaces- bought today at Forever 21 ($1.50 each!)--I layered the necklaces for a more modern look and a fun addition to my frilly top.

Out and about with my bestie! <3

I hope you all have a wonderful 1st weekend of March!

I have a confession...

Disclaimer:  This post discusses weight and actual numbers.  If this is triggering for you, please do not proceed. =)






I bought a scale on Monday.

What brought on this act?  Well, I had a silent panic attack at the doctor's office.

I was stressed out even before I got to my appointment.  I knew I was going to be weighed, and I had no idea what the number would be.

You see, I have not owned a scale in five years.

At the height of my disordered eating/restricting, the only way I knew that I weighed was when I got weighed at the doctor's office-- which was a lot, as I was sick constantly.  My lowest weight that I can remember was 104 pounds. Within the last few years I had been around 108-109, and pretty comfortable with it.  Well, comfortable is a stretch.  I had to restrict to stay at that weight, and I never exercised because I didn't have the energy to.  I was also irritable most of the time; especially when the meal-times-at-which-I-had-deemed-okay-for-me-to-eat were thrown off.  I was Starvin' Marvin, a lot. =(

The past year I spent getting healthy.  I started exercising, and eating at each meal.  I increased my caloric intake, and have been fiercely battling my disordered eating thoughts.  And I've done pretty well, except for the whole part about accepting gaining a few pounds and still loving myself.  That part has been tough.

I knew I had gained about 5 pounds in the past year.  I knew this because I could tell in my clothes, and from weighing myself at the gym, every once in a while.  (I still didn't own a scale at home.)  I have been anywhere from 111-114 pounds.


But, I hadn't really been weighed at the doctor's office the whole year.  Fast forward to the nurse asking me to take my shoes off and step on the scale...


My heart was beating so fast I thought it just might jump out of my chest. 

And she said, "116.  Good.".


And all I could think of was,"OH MY FUCKING GOD.  I AM A BEAST.  I AM DISGUSTING.  I AM FAT.  HOW COULD I GAIN THAT MUCH WEIGHT?!  I actually thought that I've been looking pretty great.  I was obviously SO wrong. HOW COULD I HAVE GOTTEN SO FAT?!  This is all because I don't own a scale.  GOD DAMN IT!!"  

So I went to my local grocery store and bought a scale.  This action, coming from the girl who brags about her belief in not owning a scale.  I was so overwhelmed with my own confusion that the whole trip was like a blur.

I came home, set the scale up, promptly took my clothes off and weighed myself.  It read: 113.5.  What the hell.  That's been my usual weight in the past year or so.  


I felt relieved, but I was very confused.

So, my clothes weighed 2.5 pounds?  Or was the doctor's scale wrong?


I didn't know.

I then weighed myself on Tuesday morning:  113.

Tuesday night:  115.

Wednesday morning: 113.5.

What does this all mean?  It means that body weight fluctuates during the day.  It also means that different scales show different numbers.  Most importantly, since I had been feeling pretty good about my body lately, it probably means that I should trust in my body and trust that this is my set-point, and the point at which my body is happy.

The truth is, I like my body where it's at right now.  I look better in a bikini than I ever did when I was stick-skinny.  When I was uber thin my body looked disproportionate: a tiny upper body and a "squishy skinny-fat" lower body.  Now, I look fit and healthy (such a tricky word!!)

On Monday night, I told J about my buying a scale and all of the other things.  He thinks it's best to take it back, as he doesn't want me to regress and once more become dependent on a scale.  I agreed with him, yet I haven't taken the scale back.

I'm torn because a part of me wants to 'get used to' seeing weight numbers on a scale, and become comfortable with those numbers.  Yet another part of me wants to protect myself from a possible obsession with those numbers.


So, tell me....


Have you ever had anything like this happen?


What would you do if you were in my shoes? Return the scale, or keep it?