Recovery lesson, number begillion:

I have been doing very well with recovery the last few days.  This makes me smile :)

One day I craved really fatty Ben & Jerry's ice cream.  I went to the store, bought a pint, brought it home, and ate half of it.  It was DELICIOUS.

On the same night, I had PB& honey for dinner with 2% milk.  It tasted like heaven.

I know I've mentioned this before, but, I don't have a scale at home.  I haven't had one in about 5 years.  I refuse to.  If I had a scale I would weigh myself obsessively and be sick with ED thoughts.

2 weeks ago I went to doctor for a check-up so I was forced to have my weight taken.  I weighed in at 113.5.  I was okay with this since that seems to be the number that my weight seems to fluctuate around (sometimes I weigh myself at the gym).  I had a follow-up to that appointment this past week and I had to get weighed again.

 I was seriously dreading the follow-up appointment because the night before was the night that I had a lot of ice cream and PB & honey.  To say that I was anxious would be an understatement.  I even told myself that I just wouldn't look down at the scale because I didn't want to experience an ED trigger if my weight was higher than what I weighed in at last time.

But, I didn't really get the opportunity to do that because the nurse had me get on the scale (while she was sitting in a chair writing things) and tell her what my weight was.  I was forced to look down at the scale.  I panicked briefly.  mother fucker.  I looked down at the scale.  111.


"What does it say?" -Nurse 
"111" -Me


I slowly sat down in my chair while my head was spinning with thoughts.  It's as if someone had just shared a universal truth with me.

I didn't gain weight overnight.  Or over the last week.  Or over the last two weeks.  And I have been eating consistently, not denying myself food.  I know that my weight is lower, but I shouldn't rejoice over it.  I should just realize that weight fluctuates and that my body apparently LOVES staying around 110-113 because that's where it is *happy* and *comfortable*.  Eating for health does not make you fat.  Eating for health is just that, HEALTHY.


:)