Sunday, February 20, 2011

Accepting and shopping for a healthy 'new' body

Please be aware that this post discusses clothing sizes and may be triggering for some.  If these topics trigger you, please do not proceed.  =)

I was just catching up on your new blog posts, and I read Lily's and Kelsey's posts on how difficult it is to shop and outfit a new and different, curvier, and healthier body.  I've posted about this a few times before, but, I think it's an issue a lot of us recoverers have to deal with, so I'm going to write about it again.

The honest truth is, one year ago when I decided that I was going to get healthier, work out, and eat better (and not in an ED-way), I didn't fully realize what I was getting myself into.  I wasn't aware of the emotional, difficult, and frightening road that was ahead of me.  And most notably, I did not even fathom that gaining weight and possibly not-fitting into my clothes was going to be an issue.-- this probably speaks to how completely unaware I was of suffering from disordered eating.  I thought I was just 'watching my weight' and making sure I didn't get 'fat'.

What brought on this post is that I had to go shopping for jeans this weekend.  Being a fashion-loving gal I desperately 'needed' a pair of jeggings that fit me correctly.  I had spent the past year wrestling, kickboxing, and playing tug-of-war with my size 0 skinny jeans.  I would pull them on, and they would want to spring off my muscular thighs and ass like a cheetah after a meaty antelope.  Sometimes I would  wear the jeans even though they were uncomfortable.  Why?  Because they were a size 0 and I despised the fact that my jean size had gone up.  DESPISED.  It made (still makes) me feel like a failure.

Now, my jean size is ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE.  I cannot tell you how aggravating and challenging this is.  I can no longer go into a store and pick up a size 0 knowing that they will most likely fit (picking up a size 2, just in case).  I now have to grab anywhere from a size 0, 2, 3, and 4 for my curvy and healthy body (Oh no!  NOT a FOUR!!!!  What the hell does size FOUR mean, anyway?).  Yesterday was one of the days where I had to not only face a size 4 jean, I actually bought them because they looked nice on me.  However, just because I bought them doesn't mean I've stopped berating myself for 'getting fat enough' for a size 4.

What's really sad about the ordeal is that I *know* that women's sizes are complete bullshit.  This completely ridiculous bullshit concept was even proven to me in the same Express dressing room that I decided to buy the size 4 jeans.

I had grabbed a handful different types of skinny jeans in sizes 0, 2, and 4, and I had it narrowed down to a jean called the Stella, and another similar style called the Zelda.  They fit very similarly, but the colors were different:  the Stella was a dark inky wash with gold stitching, and the Zelda was a dark black wash.  Oh, and the other thing that was different about them was that the Stella that fit was a size 2, and the Zelda was a size 4!  Imagine my annoyance--two nearly identical jeans, that fit almost exactly the same, but in two completely different sizes!

Why, why , WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knowing that I liked the black-wash (size 4) Zelda's better, I was faced with a difficult, but rather absurd, decision.  Do I buy the Stella's because they were a size 2, or do I buy the Zelda's in a SIZE FOUR?  Do I succumb to my sad state of 'fat-ness', or do I buy the jeans I like less because the size tag makes me happier?

After much debate I finally decided that I liked the black-wash Zelda's.  I even changed out of the pinching size 0 skinny jeans that I had worn to the mall, and pulled on my new big-girl jeans in the dressing room (after paying for them, of course!).

I wish that I could tell you buying the cute Zelda jeans made me realize that it's ok for me to be a size 4, and that I had some huge epiphany.  But, the truth is, I didn't.

Even though I know that I could fit into a size 2 in a similar jean and I'm not a fat-ass, and even though I generally like my new healthy and fit body, I still hate that I have to buy a bigger pant size.  I miss feeling like a dainty little thing.

That night, I put on my new jeans and went out and had drinks with J.  What else could I do?

I even took pictures of myself in a mirror to prove to myself that I look fine, and that I'm not 'fat'.  I took the pictures because I knew that I could look at them later and realize that the crazy was all in my head, and not reality.

So, tell me...

Have you ever had a similar experience?

What did you do?

If you are recovered or in recovery how do you deal with shopping for your healthier body?


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  2. You're adorable :)
    I agree that women's clothing sizes SUCK. I remember before my ED I was a size 5 (junior's). Then I went into a store and ended up fitting into a 9 that my friend had tried on and I did, too, just for fun. Imagine my surprise when they fit! I wanted to cry.

    I have yet to experience shopping with weight gain after ED, but I'm not looking forward to that experience.
    HOWEVER, I am going to remember that you, Lily, and others have gone through the exact same thing. And look at you! You, Yasi, are NOT fat. At all. So it's great to know I'm not in this alone.
    Thanks :)
    <3 Haley

    P.s. I love the jeans/outfit!

  3. I know what you mean, but in a different way. Last weekend was the first time in at least a couple years that I was able to go into a dressing room and not cry and then actually buy new clothes.

    It was amazing, but at the same time I was angry at how much stock I put in the number on my pants or the size of my shirt, even though those numbers are slowing getting smaller. It was elating and defeating at the same time. It made me realize that just because the weight is coming off doesn't mean that Im done being a slave to the numbers. Thinner does not always equal Happier, and vice versa.

  4. I forgot to add that you look great and Im really digging the new hair lady!

  5. Doll, I never know what size I am -- it's just so different for every brand. You look absolutely AMAZING -- strong and healthy and thin and gorgeous.
    Millions of xs and os

  6. I have experiences like this a lot! Shopping is so frustrating when you're just trying to accept your new body. I've always been really reluctant to spend money on myself, so I made a promise in recovery - that I would let myself buy clothes to fit my changing body, that way I could feel confident! Having some clothes that I feel good in is helpful.

    I'm so proud of you for buying what felt right, regardless of the size. I had a similar experience buying two pairs of jeans at the same store, in two different sizes! How crazy is that?

    You are beautiful, Yasi!

  7. Ok, so this is going to sound odd but, I had trouble admitting that I am a size 10 or 31 instead of a 12/32. I mean sometimes I am a 12 but usually I am a 10. However, I can't admit it to myself because there is a tiny roll over them. I am so insecure I would rather wear some that are to big than just right. Yet the 10's look better on me than 12. That being said,the 12s are starting to fit better :(. What I would give just to be an 8 again!....

    That being said, you look amazing Yasi! You are so beautiful and the "curves" (which there aren't really any) look amazing on you! You are truly beautiful!

  8. Oh my, I hope you were able to see the "real" in the photos because this clothing thing is HARD.
    For two months my mom has been begging me to let her take me shopping for work clothes. It scares the SHIZZLE out of me...yet I continue to complain none of my clothes fit. Thanks for sharing...I feel like we both can let our rational minds win and just get CLOTHES for our bodies...without the craziness.

  9. I'm glad you had a successful shopping experience!

    You look beautiful!!

    It's hard for me to get used to how my clothes fit and the sizes too - but I just have to remind myself that the clothes are only a representation of me and not who I am.

  10. Yasi let me just say that any one would be ENVIOUS to have your body- trust me!!! you are freaking gorgeous its not even funny! <3
    thank you for mentioning my post btw, it is very hard getting into the mind frame of accepting new clothing and new sizes...but especially for women, our bodies are bound to change with age, especially when we enter our 20's..and then again 30's, 40's etc.

    love you!!! <3


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