Post wedding *very* small update!!

Hi everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

We have been extremely busy moving in together and with arranging our new home, so I haven't had much time to even go on Blogger.

I'm just posting a quick note here with a few pix to tell you that the wedding was AMAZING and the best day of our lives!!!!  I freaking CROWD SURFED at my own wedding.  Hah!

And our honeymoon in Aruba was, hands down, the most fabulous week ever.

ED issues have very much lessened since the wedding and since being married.  But I will get into this a lot more in coming posts.

Here are just a FEW pictures, as I haven't gotten more than a handful of professional pictures back yet.  Out of respect for J's wishes, I will not post any pictures of him on here.  So, I'm not just being a self-centered bride! =)  I can't wait to get back to posting regularly!!!

P.S.  All but the first photo that I'm posting were taken by Kelly Gillespie, owner of Looking Glass Photography in Michigan.  Kelly's work is absolutely amazing, and she is fantastic to work with!  Her website is:  lookingglassphotography.biz.  The image quality is pretty low here because I don't have the actual .jpeg images yet, I just copied and pasted pictures from where I found them on people's accounts online =P  So, the real stuff is much better!

Enjoy!

Pre-wedding parties, food, and how I'm handling it all

Hi everyone!
  I haven't posted about anything ED/Food related in a bit, but here goes.

I have been severely, SEVERELY, challenged by ED this past week or so.  But I think I've managed to come out pretty OK.  My mom came to Michigan and has been staying with me since one week ago.  We have been spending every waking second together-- 'nuff said.  I love my mom, but I reeeeally also like my alone time.  And I've gotten, like, zero alone time the past week.  So, that's been stressful.  The only alone time I've gotten is when I've gone to the gym a few times.

On top of that, my mom has eating and body issues.  However, she completely acts like she doesn't.  The woman barely eat ANYTHING.  It's so frustrating trying to recover from an eating disorder when your mother brags about her size 2 pants to you and takes four bites of a salad and says "OH MY GOSH, I'm soooo full!! I ate SO MUCH!".  When I'm around my mom and her eating behaviors I get very agitated and it makes me want.to.restrict.so.badly.because.obviously.i'm.a.fatass.if.my.pant.size.is.the.same.as.my.mother's.

Oiii vey!

On top of that, she's constantly telling me to eat.  Eat eat EAT!  Which just confuses and annoys the hell out of me.  It's like "how dare you tell me to eat when you eat barely anything!".

Anywho, with all of the wedding activities that have been going on, I knew that I was going to be challenged with many many many ED thoughts these last couple of weeks before the wedding.  There are so many parties and get-togethers and food to eat and dresses to fit into!

I have been scared out of my freaking mind that I will somehow gain weight and not fit into my skin-tight shower dress or my wedding dress.  Well, my wedding shower was today, and I fit into my dress just fine, so WHEW!

To top it all off, I've been doing wedding stuff non-stop and it's that time of the month, which makes me  hungry all the time.  And I've been eating some sort of dessert every single night.  Whether it's a bit of chocolate or a chocolate chip cookie, or something else that is delicious and bad for my assets.

So basically, I've been deathly afraid of gaining weight for the wedding because I'm in so many food-consumption situations that are out of my normal routine.

I don't really know how I'm dealing with it.  I'm dealing with it well I guess because I haven't restricted.  I've gone to the gym three times this week and my body feels tight and firm.  I just feel guilty when I eat because my head is constantly yelling at me "What the fuck are you doing?!?!  You have your fucking wedding in one weekend and you can't keep your damn hands off the feeding fork?  What kind of a bride are you?!!  You need to LOSE weight you loser, not eat".

I guess my only coping mechanism has been that I've been so busy that I don't have time to sit around and feel super guilty about what I ate.  And to eat when I'm hungry and stop eating when I'm full.

But anyway, my 1st bridal shower was today and it was absolutely beautiful!!  It was about 20 of us ladies and we had so much fun.  I got my hair done (yay!), the place was amazing, the food was fantastic, the guests were great, and I got lots of presents for our kitchen!  Oh yeah, and I fit in my dress- Thank God!  So, there is hope for my wedding dress!!!

Here are some pix:

J's aunt gave me a cute apron to put on!

Wedding Project Fun!

  I have been doing wedding projects absolutely non-stop since Sunday.

-Catholic ceremony programs
-Persian ceremony programs
-Name cards
-Table numbers
-Schedule for the bridesmaids, groomsmen, photographer, videographer, band, DJ
-Finalizing all the vendors/payments
-Making a card box from scratch and making a "Just Married" sign to hang on the back of the old Model A Ford that is going to drive John and I around (!)

So I figured that it would be fun to share some pictures with you all!

TA-DA!

TA-DA, again!!

The front of the Ford Model A we will be riding in.  But with the top down :)

The back of the Ford Model A.  We will hang the "Just Married" sign over the back tire!

10 days until the wedding!!!!

Bachelorette Party!

Last night was a BLAST!!  J's sister and cousin really and truly outdid themselves!  There was nine of us girls and I was so happy with the turnout.  

We went out for dinner, and then I opened presents.  And the rest of the night we barhopped, drank, danced, and had a ball!  Everybody got along and had a great time together.  =)

This was the first wedding activity to kick off the month leading up to our wedding and I'm so happy that it was such a good experience and memory!

...27 days!!!

Love can be Blue

  Let me start off by bragging about my wonderful fiance a bit.  I have been looking for a pair of colorful shoes to go with this dress that I posted about a couple of days ago.  So while shopping with J, I dragged him to Macy's so that I could shoe shop.  I gotta tell ya, the man's picked up on what I love in clothes and accessories because look at the shoes he picked out!!

Jessica Simpson shoes

  So I tried on the shoes when I got home to see if they matched the dress and noticed that they matched this fantastic headband that I got a little while ago.  

 I actually pinned the headband down b/c the feathers were a bit much for a wedding reception (I'm wearing this ensemble to my friend's wedding). 

  Anywho, I absolutely adore how the shoes look with the dress!!  And I love love love the headband.  However, I shared these pix with my mom and she thinks the headband is too much for a wedding.  But this headband is totally representative of my personality... 

  So now I pose this question to you, my fabulous peeps, is this headband too much with this outfit for a wedding?

  I'm not sure if the comments will or will not affect my decision, but it would be nice to get some feedback from others.

I think Pirate loves the shoes just as much as I do!

=)

Black dress

If you've read some of my posts you would know that I'm obsessed with fashion.  And lookie lookie what I found today!!  It's so beyond awesome and I'm going to wear it to my friends wedding in August.

What do you think?

=D

Thank you =)

Thank you everyone for your kind comments about my last post.  I was feeling so intensely overwhelmed. I cried for 3 hours straight!!!  And then I took a nap and woke up and felt better.

J and I resolved our issue that day, and my mom called me later in the night and our conversation was normal to good.

As for the body issues, they are still there.  I really do think I that want to slim down a couple of pounds for the wedding because I just don't feel like I look like myself.  I'm not starving myself at all.  I'm just going to continue going to the gym and I'm going to watch my portion sizes.

It's just that if there's one day that you want to look and feel your best it's your wedding day.  And if being a couple of pounds thinner will make me feel better then I think that's ok.

I realize that this looks like a slippery slope.  But I really need to do this for my own sanity in the next two months.  J knows that I'm doing it and we're discussing it and he's watching me.

I kind of feel like I'm letting you guys down a bit.  But as I said before, this is going to be the most captured day of my life and I just want to feel like myself.

The good news is that during this transformation I have learned how to eat really well and have learned to eat nutritious food (instead of keeping myself functioning with carbs!).

Again, thank you for all of your kind words.  They mean the world to me.

Graduation, wedding stuff, and how I dealt with eating issues

  After a week and a half hiatus, I'm back!  This is going to be long post, but that's because I have so much to write about! Above is a picture from graduation (I'm on the left).  I just had to post a picture because yes, we bedazzled our hats.  I am 25 years old and I spelled out 2010 with rhinestones on my Master's degree cap... SO COOL!!  Haha. =D

  The past 2 weeks were a blur and passed so quickly.  My mom came in last week on Tuesday and we had a ton of wedding stuff to take care of.  My dad came in on Thursday, and then there was graduation on Friday.  To say that we did a lot would a massive understatement.  I feel like the entire week was spent driving from one place to another to get things done for the wedding.  I had my 2nd hair trial and my hair turned out FABULOUSLY!!  I had my first wedding dress fitting and that went really well (I'm turning my dress from an a-line to a mermaid).  Best of all, my mom and dad were there for the whole thing, so it was really cool.  Also, we went to try on the dress after my hair appointment and this time everything from the shoes to the dress style to the hair to the jewelry matched! (My 1st hair trial hairstyle did not match my dress at all and I was worried) 

  My dad also got fitted for his tux and we checked out the church and the reception place-- they loved it.  And my mom and I did LOTS of shopping.  I think if there was a record for how long 2 people could shop we would break it.  We were literally out for 2 or 3 days from morning until the mall closed, shopping.  It's our favorite activity to do together and WE.ARE.GOOD.  I'm not kidding.  We find amazing clothes for great prices, and we have similar taste.  Anywho, along with a ton of other clothes she bought me (Thanks Mom!), I bought 2 dresses for the showers and parties that will be coming up.  One of the dresses is this uber chic and sexy royal blue dress.  I am not kidding when I tell you that this dress is KILLER.  I can't describe it, so here is a pic of it:  (Disclaimer, the reason that I chop my head of in pix is b/c I'm a little paranoid about pix of me out in the internets since this is a public site.  And yes, I know my profile pic is still there.  Haha =P)

Isn't this dress freaking AH-MAZING?!  P.S.  NOT the shoes I will be wearing with the dress.

    Graduation was great (but boooring), and on Saturday my parents took us all (parents, me + J, their best friends & their kids, and J's parents and brother) out to eat at a great restaurant.  The place was packed because of all of the proms and graduations-- I had to make the reservation 2 months ago!  Dinner was filled with great conversation and delicious food.  Oh and I got a massive amount of presents- yeah, no biggie.  Just kidding!  I was really surprised and it was AWESOME!

    

    So let me tell you about the food issues I encountered over the week of graduation.  I knew that the week was going to be filled with a lot of food, a lot of going out to eat, and a lot of dessert.  When Persians celebrate, we eat.  A LOT.  And we always have cake or sweets, as if the huge dish of food you ate would not get digested unless there was a slice of cake on top of it.  Going into the week I had promised myself that I wouldn't give in to the temptations of eating what other people were eating and eating desserts every night, because I had been eating so 'clean' the past few weeks.  It took about 1 day to realize that resistance was futile.  So I ate right along with everybody.  I went out to chinese, I had Persian food that my mom's best friend had cooked, I had sushi, I had more Persian food, I had steak, I had cake, and biscotti, and more cake, and chocolate covered pretzels, and much more I'm sure.  Point being, I ate what was offered if I was hungry, BUT I didn't binge.  I never went to bed feeling like crap. And *gasp*, I ate like a normal person.  I gotta tell ya, it was freaking liberating.  But I can't lie, every time I thought about what I was eating I felt food guilt, but I let it pass.  And I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to gain 5 pounds overnight and that weeks like this aren't how I eat all the time, so I'm ok to be doing so for a week.

    And now, a week after it's all over I have gotten back into my own eating groove again.  But I'm not being as strict as I was being before.  I was so scared that I would look chubby-faced in my graduation pictures that I had cut out all sweets and snacks for the most part.  But in the past week I've had sweets a couple of times.  I had a biscotti when I was starving at the mall on Wednesday and I had Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream last night.  But maybe I needed to flush my system of the sugar addiction when I did.  Because right now, I don't crave sweets and crappy food all the time, and it's most likely because I cut myself off for a few weeks.  Oh and just to let you know, I didn't look chubby faced in my graduation pix =)  My face looked a bit 'healthier' than the last time I had grad pix (3 years ago), but then again, I am 3 years older, and I'm not supposed to look the same my whole life.  And that's another big thing for me: I always look at older pictures of myself and compare me-now to me-then.  This is honestly the WORST thing to do.  Because 3 years ago I was 106 pounds, and I was barely ever eating normally.  So, duh, I'm gonna look different.  I have to realize that it's ok to look different.  My body and face are going to change a lot in my lifetime and I'm going to have to be ok with that.  I'm going to have to embrace the changes.

  

    On another note, I haven't been to the gym in about a week and a half!  Which is the longest I've gone without going to the gym since, like, January.  Hopefully today I will be going back!

    

    Well I hope you enjoyed my super long post.  So tell me, what interesting/new things developed with you while I was gone?

  

  

4 months

'Mock up' of what I want my hair to look like.  I did this myself, don't judge!! ;)

4 months from tomorrow I will be married!!  My dress fitting is in 2 weeks and I am so so so so excited!!!  It's so odd to see it all coming together.  I can't wait to actually see what my dress will look like after it's altered.  I'm having it altered from an A-line to a mermaid, so it hugs my curves.  And I have to have the boobs taken in a LOT.  =P

I'm also graduating from grad school in 2 weeks.  And having my second wedding hair trial.  2 weeks 2 weeks 2 weeks!  Crazy.

I have not touched sweets or junk food in THREE days.  3 days, people!  No chocolates, no nothin'.  Mind you, I'm PMSing, so chocolate sounds pretty amazing right about now.  The hardest is around 8 pm, which is the time I've gotten used to having 2-3 Dove chocolates with tea.  So tonight I had my tea without chocolates and without sugar.  I never drink my tea without sugar.  What is this world coming to?!

Anyway, here is my food log for today.  It's pretty low cal because I haven't exercised or done anything besides school work.

*Breakfast:
-2 slices of 100% wheat bread w/ 1/3 fat philly cream cheese + tea

*Lunch:
-1/4 cup hummus with 1 pita bread
-Light & Fit vanilla yogurt

*Dinner:
-small plate of wheat pasta with shrimp & ragu sauce + salad (lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, avocados, raspberry vinaigrette dressing)

*Snack:
-two 10-cal Jell-O cups
-tea

On another note, I really need to go grocery shopping.  I'm completely out of fruit and need to buy chicken, yogurt, etc etc.

Sunday night post

This is my 2nd post of the day, but I guess I just feel like blogging.  I ate very healthfully today.  I had J take all my left-over Easter candy and my miniature Dove chocolates and Hershey's kisses out of the house.  Here is what I ate:

Breakfast:
-2 slices of 100% whole wheat bread with 1/3 fat philly cream cheese + tea

Lunch:
-1 pita bread and 1/2 cup of hummus

Dinner:
-a good sized salad: lettuce, tomato, carrots, avocado, 1 hard-boiled egg, with salt, pepper, and fat-free raspberry vinaigrette dressing
-1 vanilla Light & Fit yogurt

Even though I ate really well today, I've felt nauseous for a good part of the day.  In fact, I'm feeling nauseous as I type.  I feel like the salad and yogurt are swimming in my stomach and it just feels EWW.

  I'm really feeling the pressure to eat better and not be pudgy.  Graduation is in less than 3 weeks and I don't want to look like Pudgy McFatface in all my pictures.  I'm also scared shitless of what I will look like on our wedding day.  Sometimes I think that I'm crazy for wanting to go through this healing journey now.  Every bride wants to look their skinniest and most beautiful for their wedding day.  And here I am, having gained 5 pounds since last Fall.  I haven't gained 5 pounds in 4 years.  What the eff am I doing?  But then I think that my body looks more toned and I've probably just gained muscle.  I actually like my butt and my thighs, I'm not embarrassed of them like before.  Before, even when I was 107, I felt like my thighs were squishy.  Because they were.  We'll see what this whole cutting-out-junk does for me.

  On top of that my mom, who is always on a journey to lose weight, has a goal weight of 110 for the wedding, which is 2 or 3 pounds less than what I weigh now.  I know how stupid and ridiculous this sounds, but I can't believe that my and my mom's weight is so close right now.  She is 115 and I'm 112/113.  I mean I know she's ~ 2" shorter than me, but still.  I, the daughter, am supposed to be the skinnier one!  I totally feel awful writing about this, but it is how I feel.  I told my mom I felt this way, in jest, and she was like "well, you'll lose those 5 pounds the week before the wedding anyway with the stress." And all I said was "I hope so".

  Okay, that's all for now.  P.S.  I didn't eat any junk today =)

Wedding food tasting

Helloooo Beef Tenderloin ;)

Hey there, Chicken Florentine ;)

  We had our food tasting for the wedding today.  And it was super fun!  It was me, J, his mom and cousin.  So basically, we had to call ahead and pick out two dishes that we really wanted to try.  However, we would also get to try foods that other couples (attending our tasting) had picked out as their two dishes.  The food was served buffet style and it was mm-mm gooood!!  Actually, some of the things were good, some were ehh, and some were oh-heeeell-NO (snap, snap).  

  After eating little bits of 20+ types of food, we unanimously decided on Beef Tenderloin and Chicken Florentine.  But if you know me you would know that nothing beats out a good beef dish for me ;)  I wouldn't be caught dead ordering chicken at a wedding.  I mean COME ON, can't you just like boil that at your own house?  Hehe

  

  Oh and after dinner J and I stopped at Baskin Robbins (upon my request!).  And I got the superduper chocolate fudge bla bla bla ice cream in a waffle cone.  J calls this nuclear chocolate ice cream because well, it is.

  

  Yeah I probably didn't eat the greatest today, but I did go to the gym this morning.  I weighed myself this morning at the gym and I was 113.  Ehhh not too happy with the number.  I do need to lose like 3-5 pounds because I have my 1st dress fitting in 3 weeks.  It's not that I'm extremely unhappy with my weight right now.  It's just that I'll want to be a wee-bit more svelt for the wedding, so I'll probably try to slim down a couple of pounds before the wedding.  And if my dress fittings are starting in 3 weeks, I'll probably want to be around the same weight for my fitting as I plan to be for the wedding.

  

  So I'm planning on eating pretty clean in the next few weeks.  I've been eating pretty richly lately, and I can't do that right before my 1st dress fitting.  Oh and graduation is in 3 weeks also, and I don't want to look pudgy-faced in the pictures.

  I will be going to the gym tomorrow and hopefully every day this week.  But oh man, there are so many events going on this weekend.  It's going to be difficult to eat well.  But I can try my hardest.  One of my best friends is visiting from S.C. this Friday, J's cousin's surprise birthday party is Saturday at Pizza House (doh!), and my other friend's going away potluck dinner party is Saturday night (doh^2!).

  

  On a positive note, my skin has pretty much cleared up.  I had an out-of-nowhere break out that has been healing for the past 3 weeks.  So I'm REALLY happy about that!

  Do you have any special events that you're trying to look your best for?