Thursday, April 29, 2010

Graduation and the Little Black Dress

Holy mother of God, I'm graduating from grad school in a week!!

I'm sitting here in a Little Black Dress waiting for my friends to come pick me up.  As always, they're running on Persian time and are late, so I figured I'd post.

I've been working out and eating very clean lately.  However on Tuesday I let myself eat whatever I wanted: McDonald's, Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, Mac 'N' Cheese.  But I really had a reason!!  The reason was because on Monday I ate very healthfully and was nauseous ALL DAY.  Finally at the end of the night I threw up! And thank God b/c I was sick of feeling like crap.  So on Tuesday every time I thought of a fruit or vegetable or chicken I felt like puking, so I let myself eat junk so that I wouldn't feel nauseous.  And it was fun too ;)

So anyway, I bought this tight little black dress last summer and I've only ever worn it once.  Well tonight I decided that I should wear the dress out because I work really hard on my body and I should be able to show it off!  I'm only going to be 25 once, you know?  I'm wearing it with these really hot grey shoes that I bought when I was with J a few weeks ago.

Anywho, my friends should be here any minute now.  I'm debating posting a picture or not.  What do you think?


Monday, April 26, 2010

Bikinis sans hyperventilation =D

^One of the bikinis that I bought.^

  After deciding that I hated the Victoria's Secret bikinis that I got in this post, I made a plan to go check out Forever 21 to see if they had any cute bikinis.  Well, all I have to say is that their bikinis were so cute and so fantastically priced that I bought a bunch to mix and match.  I'm going to return my V.S. ones now!!  

  Oh and the other thing is, today I decided that I like my bikini-body.  As in, if I had to go lay out or go to the pool TODAY I would do it gladly.  Nothing jiggles.  Things are tight. I'm not anorexic looking, but things look good.  I even liked my legs and butt.  I guess all the working out at the gym is paying off!  And I've only been at it for 4 months =)

Anywho, see what the right fit in any any type of clothing can do for your self esteem?!  

=D  Yaaaay Forever 21!!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Friends, Food, & Fun

  Last night J and I went to a really fabulous restaurant with 3 of other other couple friends.  The restaurant was having a 'special' of an appetizer, a delicious entree, and dessert for ~$30/person.  So basically, an amazing meal for a great price.

  I didn't feel guilty heading into dinner because I have eaten *really* well this week.  I didn't eat any junk food at all.  I had all 3 meals every day and I ate a lot of fruits and veggies.  I realized that if I 'cut out the crap' I wouldn't feel super guilty when it came to eating out during the weekend (not eating HORRIBLY, just loosening it up a bit).  So I watched what I was eating and I tried to eat as healthfully as possible, incorporating fruits and veggies into my lunches and dinners.  Also, I tried to eat a lot more protein and lessen the amount of carbs I eat for dinner.  I hate feeling super heavy when I go to bed, so cutting out the amount of dinner carbs helped with that.  The past week I've felt more 'lean' because I don't feel as 'heavy'.  I don't know if that feeling is actually weight loss or not, but whatever.  I have been told by J & 2 of my closest friends that I look great and that I have to stop weighing myself.  So I did.  The scale is not my friend.  I put way too much stock into what those numbers mean to me and my self-worth.  My legs are muscular now.  Nothing really jiggles.  I have definition, and I like it.

  Anyway, back to last night.  For the dinner I had a caesar salad, fillet mignon with mashed potatoes and asparagus, and a perfectly portioned amount of tiramisu (and I totally stole a couple of scoops of J's ice cream :-P).  Oh and I had wine, 2 big glasses of wine.  And apparently I'm the biggest light-weight on the planet because I was bouncing off the walls.  It was really super fun until about an hour after dinner.  The wine was swimming around in my stomach and my head was floating somewhere in space.  So J rescued me and bought me fries.  A big thing of fries.  And you know what?  I did not feel guilty eating them because I had eaten so well all week.  And in all reality, all I wanted was for something to soak up the wine and for my head to stop throbbing.  So I ate the fries (which babe (if you're reading), were pretty subpar!!) and gee golly wiz, I felt better!

  I'm really happy that I was able to go out, control my eating, have fun with friends, and not feel guilty afterwards.  Especially after how I felt last weekend.  So yay for a great night out!!

  Today J & I are going to the gym and I will probably do my regular routine: ~30 minutes of the elliptical and ~30-40 minutes of weight training.  And afterwards we're going shopping for veggies and salad fixings.

  Did you guys do anything fun last night?  Do you have anything fun planned for the weekend?


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Kick Ass, Magnolias, and Cheesy Mashed Potatoes from Scratch

  I kicked my own ass today with my work out.  It was really gorgeous out so I opted out of going to the gym and decided to go for a run instead.  Well, it turned out to be a wog (walk-jog =)) because after 10 minutes of running, I had a cramp in my oblique and it hurt like a bitch!  So I had to space out running and walking.

  I wogged for 35 minutes and really took in the sunshine and the blooming magnolia trees.  Growing up, my aunt had a giant magnolia tree in her yard.  My favorite time of year was when that tree bloomed.  It was so pure and beautiful.  And I'm lucky enough to live in a neighborhood with a thousand magnolia trees blooming every where!

  Anyway, after I came back home I did strength training exercises  (~30 minutes)  with my 5 and 8 pound dumbbells.  I would tell you what they were, but I have no idea what some of them are called.  All I know is that my bum was burning and that I couldn't wait till my ab exercises, just so I could lay on my back and be off my feet!  Feeeeel the burn baby.  And feel the burn, I did =D

  Here is my food log for the day, but I'll keep it nice and sweet since I'm a creature of habit:

-Same thing I eat every day (and love!)

-1/4 cup milk

- Boiled egg/avacado/tomato/carrot/lettuce/raspberry vin. dressing salad
-cheesy mashed potatos

-tea (LOVE tea!)

  I do want say that I have been trying very hard to actually *make* everything that I put in my mouth.  Well, except things like bread, pasta, cheese, yogurt and milk.  Mostly because I don't live on a farm and have a cow named Betsy.  But I did want to share with you how I make my cheesy mashed potatoes because I've been asked by multiple people.

  I actually make the cheesy mashed potatoes from scratch.  It's easy and takes 10 minutes, tops.

****Cheesy Mashed Potatoes:

1.  Wash potato thoroughly and poke holes everywhere with a fork or a knife.  I like to break the potato apart a little so it can breath.

2.  Wrap potato in several layers of paper towel.  Run the potato+paper towel under water so that the paper towels are completely soaked.

3.  Microwave wrapped potato on high for 7-10 minutes.

4.  Be careful when removing the potato-- do it with an oven mitt!  Remove potato and place in bowl.

5.  Mash potato with a fork.  Add some water so that your potato is easier to mash.

6.  Add a tiny bit of butter and mix with mashed potatoes.

7.  Put any type of cheese that you like on top of your mashed potatoes.  I used to put sharp cheddar on top, but now I put 1 slice of 2% American cheese.  Microwave bowl with mashed potatoes and cheese for 1 minute.

8.  Take bowl out and mix cheese with mashed potatoes.  Season to taste:  I like salt and pepper.

=)  Enjoy eating your own mashed potatoes, made from scratch!

  On a final note, I REALLY need to go grocery shopping.  I am now completely out of fresh fruits and veggies & I hate not being able to eat them.

  So tell me, have you done a kick ass work out recently?

4 months

'Mock up' of what I want my hair to look like.  I did this myself, don't judge!! ;)

4 months from tomorrow I will be married!!  My dress fitting is in 2 weeks and I am so so so so excited!!!  It's so odd to see it all coming together.  I can't wait to actually see what my dress will look like after it's altered.  I'm having it altered from an A-line to a mermaid, so it hugs my curves.  And I have to have the boobs taken in a LOT.  =P

I'm also graduating from grad school in 2 weeks.  And having my second wedding hair trial.  2 weeks 2 weeks 2 weeks!  Crazy.

I have not touched sweets or junk food in THREE days.  3 days, people!  No chocolates, no nothin'.  Mind you, I'm PMSing, so chocolate sounds pretty amazing right about now.  The hardest is around 8 pm, which is the time I've gotten used to having 2-3 Dove chocolates with tea.  So tonight I had my tea without chocolates and without sugar.  I never drink my tea without sugar.  What is this world coming to?!

Anyway, here is my food log for today.  It's pretty low cal because I haven't exercised or done anything besides school work.

-2 slices of 100% wheat bread w/ 1/3 fat philly cream cheese + tea

-1/4 cup hummus with 1 pita bread
-Light & Fit vanilla yogurt

-small plate of wheat pasta with shrimp & ragu sauce + salad (lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, avocados, raspberry vinaigrette dressing)

-two 10-cal Jell-O cups

On another note, I really need to go grocery shopping.  I'm completely out of fruit and need to buy chicken, yogurt, etc etc.

Monday, April 19, 2010

ED survey

I found this survey while browsing some ED blogs.  I'm going to post my answers so that I can let you into the state of my recovery and my thoughts.  Please share your own with me in my comments, if you'd like =)

Size: 2 [US]
Age: 25

Height: 5'2"
Highest Weight: 142 lbs
Lowest Weight: 105 lbs

Current Weight:  Floating between 110-113
Goal Weight: Something less than 113

Favorite Diet Food?
I don't do 'diet' food anymore.  My favorite health foods are fruits.  I like apples, oranges, watermelon, strawberries, kiwis, etc.  I also love bananas, but I get stomach aches when I eat them.  I think this is my body's reaction to eating only a banana and a Jell-O for lunch for 3 years in high school.  It's rejecting bananas!  hah

Favorite Binge Food?
Cookies, chips.

Favorite Exercise?
Weight training.

I don't have one.  I just want to be healthy, but I would like to have a nice body.  I will never have the body of a celebrity.  I am not a model and I don't have to look like one.  I don't have my own personal trainer and chef, so I will probably never look like I do!

What Makes You Slip Up?
When I'm out with my friends and everyone is eating eating eating.  Or when I start eating junk food.  Once I start, it's very very difficult for me to stop.

What Makes You Strong?
The fact that I've had ED for 11 years and that I'm recovering.  The fact that I am open with people about my ED and I'm not hiding it anymore.  The fact that I'm trying my damn hardest to have a normal attitude toward food, even though the idea is a hard one to grasp.  I'm the little train that could: I think I can, I think I can.

When Did It Start?
When I was 14.  Please see:

Does Anyone Know?
Yes.  I tell pretty much anyone, when it's relevant to whatever is going on.  My family denied it for years, but now I think they believe me.  And this is one of the most soul-bearing experiences I've ever shared with J.

Do You Want Help?
Sure.  I'm trying as much as I can to help myself, but a little extra help never hurts.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
1,000-1,500 usually.  Unless I binge, then it's a lot more :(

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
I see a girl that has a pretty face and has a decent body, but her body could always look more lean.

Are You In A Relationship?
Yes =D  Love u

Is It For Attention?
No.  When I have disordered eating thoughts and I want to be thin it's not for attention, it's because I feel so much more confident when I'm thinner.  I feel prettier and more fun.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
This is kind of a ridiculous question.  All my friends are gorgeous.  I guess I'm one of the thin ones.

Are You Depressed?
No.  However, I do get overwhelmed with my ED and trying to recover.  Sometimes when I feel gross and fat I don't want to be with my friends or go out.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
No.  I have never thought about suicide.  Even at the height of my Binge Eating Disorder I was lucky that I didn't think any suicidal thoughts.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
A few times

Are You On Any Medication?

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegetarian

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[ ] I was prettier
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear

[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[ ] when people stare
[ ] being asked questions
[ ] having to eat
[ ] being single
[ ] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

[x] more support
[ ] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[ ] less food

[x] less bingeing
[ ] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[ ] to lose 30 lbs

[ ] to lose 10 lbs

If I filled out this survey a few years ago, I bet the answers would be a hell of a lot different.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Sunday night post

This is my 2nd post of the day, but I guess I just feel like blogging.  I ate very healthfully today.  I had J take all my left-over Easter candy and my miniature Dove chocolates and Hershey's kisses out of the house.  Here is what I ate:

-2 slices of 100% whole wheat bread with 1/3 fat philly cream cheese + tea

-1 pita bread and 1/2 cup of hummus

-a good sized salad: lettuce, tomato, carrots, avocado, 1 hard-boiled egg, with salt, pepper, and fat-free raspberry vinaigrette dressing
-1 vanilla Light & Fit yogurt

Even though I ate really well today, I've felt nauseous for a good part of the day.  In fact, I'm feeling nauseous as I type.  I feel like the salad and yogurt are swimming in my stomach and it just feels EWW.

  I'm really feeling the pressure to eat better and not be pudgy.  Graduation is in less than 3 weeks and I don't want to look like Pudgy McFatface in all my pictures.  I'm also scared shitless of what I will look like on our wedding day.  Sometimes I think that I'm crazy for wanting to go through this healing journey now.  Every bride wants to look their skinniest and most beautiful for their wedding day.  And here I am, having gained 5 pounds since last Fall.  I haven't gained 5 pounds in 4 years.  What the eff am I doing?  But then I think that my body looks more toned and I've probably just gained muscle.  I actually like my butt and my thighs, I'm not embarrassed of them like before.  Before, even when I was 107, I felt like my thighs were squishy.  Because they were.  We'll see what this whole cutting-out-junk does for me.

  On top of that my mom, who is always on a journey to lose weight, has a goal weight of 110 for the wedding, which is 2 or 3 pounds less than what I weigh now.  I know how stupid and ridiculous this sounds, but I can't believe that my and my mom's weight is so close right now.  She is 115 and I'm 112/113.  I mean I know she's ~ 2" shorter than me, but still.  I, the daughter, am supposed to be the skinnier one!  I totally feel awful writing about this, but it is how I feel.  I told my mom I felt this way, in jest, and she was like "well, you'll lose those 5 pounds the week before the wedding anyway with the stress." And all I said was "I hope so".

  Okay, that's all for now.  P.S.  I didn't eat any junk today =)

Sugar addiction

  Even before this weekend began, I knew that it was going to be a challenging weekend food-wise.  Yesterday was one of those days where you just know you're going to eat eat eat eat eat eat, and well, eat some more.  I was so excited to see all my friends, but I was honestly dreading all the food and all the thoughts and issues that come with it.  Thank God I have J to talk to because sometimes I feel like a crazy person.  And most times I feel so alone in my battle with disordered eating.  

  Friday night was fine.  I made J and I shrimp stir fry over brown rice and it was a great and healthy dinner.  One of my best friends was in town, so we went out for drinks and dancing.  We had a few drinks and we had an amazing time.  
  Saturday was the hard day.  We had a surprise birthday party for J's cousin at a place called Pizza House and then we had a going-away dinner party for one of my friends.  While we headed to the Pizza House I told J that I was going to order a chicken salad because I didn't want to eat 'bad'.  But that all changed once we got to the pizza place.  By the time we actually got around to ordering the food it was 3 pm and we were STARVING!  And everyone was ordering pizza and it smelled sooo good.  And it would've been cheaper if we just shared a pizza with J's cousin and his girlfriend.  So that's what we did.  We ordered a big salad, some break sticks and a large pizza.  By the time the breadsticks got there we were so hungry that we scarfed it down.  And when the pizza came, I had two slices.  Afterwards, we had a medium sized slice of chocolate birthday cake.  Everyone was eating, so I ate right along with them.  I was full, but I wasn't exploding.  I felt OK and the food was pretty yummy.

  A few hours later we headed over to my friend's dinner party and there was  A LOT of food.   Everyone was chatting and there were snacks on the table.  One of the snacks was a big bowl of potato chips.  So I decided to have a couple.  And a couple more and a couple more until I was practically inhaling the chips between talking with my friends.  Then dinner was served.  We're Persian and we eat a lot of rice usually, but every single dish was a rice dish!  So I went around and go a little bit of all the dishes.  About a half hour later, they brought out dessert: cheesecake and cookies (with tea, of course!).  So I had a little bit of cheesecake and one cookie.  5 minutes later, I had another cookie, then another and another and another.  By the end of the night I felt so disgusting and fat and bloated.  All in all, I ate like complete crap yesterday and now I feel like my face is as round as a basketball and I feel like a tub of lard.

  What is it with me and eating?  Why the hell do I have this crazy binge eating/addiction to food, especially crappy foods and sweets?  Well, a recent study from the Princeton Neuroscience Institute may have an answer.  The study demonstrated that adding sugar to the diet of rats caused a marked sugar addiction for the rats.  And taking away the sugar caused withdrawal symptoms very similar to those associated with drug addiction.

  So what does this mean for me?  I really believe that I have an addiction-like relationship with crappy foods.  As long as I am in a mindset of not eating crappy foods, I don't eat them.  I can ignore a bowl of chips with resilient will-power.  But once I start eating junk foods like chips or cookies, an addiction-like quality appears in my state of mind.  I believe that part of it has to do with guilt: I feel so guilty that I ate one cookie, that I eat 3 or 4 more.  The other part of it, I really and truly believe has to do with sugar addiction.  I can't stop at just one.

  After the party last night, I talked to J about what had been going through my mind the whole night: the addiction, the guilt, the feeling-like-shit.  And I came to a conclusion: if I can't handle sweets or crappy food right now, I should just cut them out of my diet.  I have resolved to just completely cut sweets and junky snacks out of my diet for the next few weeks and see how I feel.  The way I feel now, I think it might just be easier to not even eat one, than to try my hardest to stop at one.  I mean, it's not like I'm cutting out foods that have any kind of nutritional value.  I'm just going to not eat junk and see how I feel.  Both J and I think that this is a good experiment, so I will be giving you updates of how it's going.

  So my question for you is:  have you ever cut any foods out of your diet?  How did it go? 

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Thighs, schmighs!

I have always been uncomfortable with my thighs, mostly the upper-outter thigh-ass (thass!  Hee!).  One of the most vivid memories of my thigh problems is from when I was around eleven.  We were at the mall and I was begging my mom to buy me bellbottoms.  My mom was getting a little annoyed because these pants were all the new rage and they were EXPENSIVE.  No I mean, really, they were very expensive for '96.  I'm talkin' like 60 bucks people!  We tried on a few pants and after a little while my mom said the most horrid thing you could say to an 11 year old.  "Those pants just don't flatter your thighs.  Your thighs and butt are too big for pants like this and these pants don't look that great on you."  *Collective sharp inhale*  And ever since that day, I have always been self conscious of my thighs and my butt.

  But in all reality she was partly right.  I have an hour glass, sometimes pear, body-shape that does not look like your typical 'American girl' body.  Oh and that probably has something to do with the fact that I'm Persian, and not American.  I do not have a pencil shape to my body.  There are curves.  And since most of the clothing here in the States (and really EVERYWHERE) is made for straight body types, I have always battled with the way my thighs/butt look in clothing.  Now, I am not saying I have a big badonkadunk- because I don't.  But my thighs and my butt have never been really 'in shape', which is probably because I was never really involved with sports or any activities that were, well, active.  

  And until this January, I have never really been one to exercise (well except for those 4 mile runs every morning at 6 am when I was 19.  But that's a story for another day!).  So throughout my weight loss and weight gain and weight loss (...) my thighs and butt remained this non-toned area that I always hated.  Even at my thinnest, 106 pounds, I still didn't like the way my thass looked.  For some people it's their stomach, but for me my thighs and butt has been the area that make me feel fat.  

  So, you ask, why am I rambling on about my thighs and butt?
  I am rambling on about these particular lower body areas because my issues with my thass have significantly decreased since I began working out.  As I said in a previous post, my body shape has changed since I began eating well (as in eating at all meal times and not restricting myself) and exercising.  I have not lost weight.  In fact, I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But to be completely honest, my body looks better than it's ever looked.  Where before, I was this frail bony person on top with a semi-shquishy thass, I am now a bit bigger on top (YAY arm muscles!) and my thighs and butt have firmed up (see pix ^).  I'm no longer extremely self-concious of my thighs.  In fact, I like wearing shorts now because my legs look toned and puuuuurdy.  =D

  Now, I am not insanely *thrilled* that I gained weight.  Some days I get really down about it (hence the 2 previous posts).  But days like today, when I stare at my body in the mirror (You know you do it too!), I think "wow, my body looks solid.  I look toned.  I actually look healthy.".  Not, "my body looks frail and skinny, but uggh my thass still looks squishy- oh well, at least my top is super duper skinny and I look thin".  Today I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw because I looked like a healthy 25 year old who takes care of her body.  I didn't look emaciated.  I didn't look squishy.  I just looked healthy.  And when I looked in the mirror, I just liked the way I looked.  I realized that I didn't look extremely thin, but I didn't look fat either.

  On another note, all of my clothes still fit--they just fit differently.  I do think that a lot of the weight that I have gained has been in my thighs and butt and in my arms.  But my legs and my butt aren't fatter.  They do, however, take up more room in my clothes.  Like, my jeans fit tighter, but they don't look bad. Because my thighs look toned and my butt is raised and toned.  My shorts fit tighter, but they don't look bad, because of the same reasons.

  And another thing--I know I said in my last post that I'm going to try to lose weight for the dress fitting, but I'm not really sure if that's a priority anymore.  My priority will be to go to the gym consistently and to be fit and toned, not to lose weight.  Honestly, if I really think about it, even with a 5 pound weight gain all of my clothes still fit and look good.  So what if I gained a few pounds?  As long as I'm still fitting into my clothes (even if they fit a bit differently) I'm a happy camper!

  So, I think that was a really long post, but I had sort of a break-through, and it's always important to post about those!

  So tell me, have you had any break-throughs recently?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Wedding food tasting

Helloooo Beef Tenderloin ;)

Hey there, Chicken Florentine ;)

  We had our food tasting for the wedding today.  And it was super fun!  It was me, J, his mom and cousin.  So basically, we had to call ahead and pick out two dishes that we really wanted to try.  However, we would also get to try foods that other couples (attending our tasting) had picked out as their two dishes.  The food was served buffet style and it was mm-mm gooood!!  Actually, some of the things were good, some were ehh, and some were oh-heeeell-NO (snap, snap).  

  After eating little bits of 20+ types of food, we unanimously decided on Beef Tenderloin and Chicken Florentine.  But if you know me you would know that nothing beats out a good beef dish for me ;)  I wouldn't be caught dead ordering chicken at a wedding.  I mean COME ON, can't you just like boil that at your own house?  Hehe
  Oh and after dinner J and I stopped at Baskin Robbins (upon my request!).  And I got the superduper chocolate fudge bla bla bla ice cream in a waffle cone.  J calls this nuclear chocolate ice cream because well, it is.
  Yeah I probably didn't eat the greatest today, but I did go to the gym this morning.  I weighed myself this morning at the gym and I was 113.  Ehhh not too happy with the number.  I do need to lose like 3-5 pounds because I have my 1st dress fitting in 3 weeks.  It's not that I'm extremely unhappy with my weight right now.  It's just that I'll want to be a wee-bit more svelt for the wedding, so I'll probably try to slim down a couple of pounds before the wedding.  And if my dress fittings are starting in 3 weeks, I'll probably want to be around the same weight for my fitting as I plan to be for the wedding.
  So I'm planning on eating pretty clean in the next few weeks.  I've been eating pretty richly lately, and I can't do that right before my 1st dress fitting.  Oh and graduation is in 3 weeks also, and I don't want to look pudgy-faced in the pictures.

  I will be going to the gym tomorrow and hopefully every day this week.  But oh man, there are so many events going on this weekend.  It's going to be difficult to eat well.  But I can try my hardest.  One of my best friends is visiting from S.C. this Friday, J's cousin's surprise birthday party is Saturday at Pizza House (doh!), and my other friend's going away potluck dinner party is Saturday night (doh^2!).
  On a positive note, my skin has pretty much cleared up.  I had an out-of-nowhere break out that has been healing for the past 3 weeks.  So I'm REALLY happy about that!

  Do you have any special events that you're trying to look your best for?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Apple Cinnamon flavored dilemma, anyone?

J and I went out to dinner last night.  It was nice.  I ordered chicken, roasted potatoes and vegetables, and J got pork, cabbage and mashed potatoes.  We wanted to go to a movie afterwards, but we still had 45 minutes to wait until the movie.  And here comes the dilemma... J asked me if I wanted to share a dessert.  

Well, yes, I wanted dessert.  My dinner wasn't too heavy and I still had some room.  And we had a lot of time to waste.  So what was my dilemma?  The dilemma was that no matter what, I still have disordered eating thoughts.  No matter what, those were a lot of extra calories and I had already eaten really terribly the beginning of the week.  And no matter what, I felt like a fat pig even before dinner.  Plus, if I was going to share a dessert I was going to ruin my 'good eating' for the day, so I might as well get a whole big dessert to myself and call the whole day 'ruined'.  

You see, THIS is what disordered eating is.  I don't look at food rationally.  I can't think, "yes, I'll share that dessert with you, sweetheart".  I really think that if they hooked up one of those brain activity machines to my brain when I'm dealing with food/body dilemmas the machine would go bonkers.  

So, what happened, you say?  I decided that I really did want to eat an apple cinnamon turnover.  I told J how I was feeling about the whole thing (disordered thoughts and all) and he helped me decide to get one dessert and share it.  It was a perfectly portioned absolutely delicious dessert and I felt satisfied.

I kept telling myself that I need to learn how to eat sweets and other tempting foods without bingeing on them.  So, even now, I feel a little guilty... but I'm really trying to be ok with it.

So how about you?  Do you feel guilty when you eat 'bad' foods?  How do you deal with the guilt?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Easter, oh Easter

Easter, what did you do to me?  All my good eating and exercising went out the window for 5 days.  Yech.

My future mother in law gave me a basket of candy, chocolate, cake, etc.  This beautiful Easter basket contained so much goodness that the goodies literally levitated from the basket and into my mouth.  My teeth barely did any chewing.  Ladies and gentlemen, I think I may have my ticket to fame: food levitation followed by complete disappearance of all food in the room.

I feel gross.  I gained a couple of pounds.  Now, weight fluctuates during the day, so I might have not actually gained that much, but I gained a couple FOR SURE.  And on top of that, I just feel like yuck.

But I went to the gym today (Thursday).  And it was actually a great workout.  The last time I went was Saturday- a great 2-hour run/weight training workout with J.  So, yes, it took me a few days to get back into the swing of things, but I went to the gym.  And since this is a lifestyle change, that's all I can do.  I can't give up like I used to and just say that I effed it up, so it's not worth a damn anymore.  All I can do is get back on this ride and keep on truckin'.  So, guess what, BEEP BEEP, coming through!

Here is my food diary for today.  I tried to keep my caloric/fat intake low in order to shed the Easter calories which are probably on an egg hunt somewhere in my rather larger behind.

-2 1/2 servings of Cheerios multi grain with 2% milk (J introduced me to this and it is sooooooo deicious and filling!!  I may never switch back to buying Honey Nut Cheerios!  *gasp*)

-60 calorie Light & Fit yogurt
-1 apple
-1 Nature Valley Honey& Oats bar

-3 oz salmon with salad (avocado's, tomatos, lettuce, raspberry vinaigrette) and cheesy mashed potatoes (from scratch)

After dinner snack:
-3 Dove Dark chocolate miniatures with decaffeinated tea

Oh and a weird thing happened today.  During my drive home from the gym I started craving a tomato with salt.  My brain kept repeating the word tomato tomato tomato tomato and I could almost taste it in my mouth.  So I did what any girl with a craving would do:  I stood over the sink and ate a tomato with salt.  What the heck?  Who craves a tomato?!  Was my body low on Lycopene or something?  haha

Have you had any weird cravings lately?