Friday, May 28, 2010

Body part persecution- arms

  Sometimes I feel like a broken record.  Above is a picture from last night's sushi date with a few of my friends.  I love taking pictures and I always have my camera with me for fun events.  The real problem comes when I look at the pictures later at home.  

  I analyze the shit out of pictures that I'm in.  

"Do my arms look big?  OMG they DO look big!!!"  

"Do my legs look flabby?"
"Do I look big?"
"Do I look chubby?"
"Do I look like I've gained 5 pounds?"
"Am I fatter than the other people in the picture?"
"Do I have face chub?"

FUCK.  The above picture from last night really got to me.  I'm in the middle.  The two girls beside me are TINY I mean like bone-thin.  No, I don't expect to look like them.  However, before I started exercising, my arms and upper body were very thin.  I carried my weight in my upper thigh area.  And now that I have gained a few pounds (of muscle I think/hope), my weight has redistributed everywhere.  My arms and upper body are bigger.  And my skinny upper body was something that I really liked about my body before.  And now it's gone.  

I know I don't look fat.  I know.  It's just so difficult for me to accept that the one thing I really liked about my body is pretty much gone.  

Maybe the fact that my thighs and butt are much more toned now could make up for my long-gone skinny top.  But most pictures are from the waist up, ergo not documenting my toned legs and butt.  I hate feeling like I look fat in pictures.  They remind me of my high school senior pictures in which I looked like a wooly mammoth.

Oii vey.  I have serious body image issues.

So tell me, is there a particular body part that you love/hate?
Am I completely crazy?


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I have a bone to pick with Victoria's Secret

Alright Vickie's.  What the hell?!

Every time I see  this commercial I get so ticked off.  And I'm not even a very big girl.

Here is my issue:  DON'T try to sell this bra as a bra for 'all different body types' and cast models who all look the same: emaciated and clearly insanely thin.

I mean, honestly, it's just offensive!  We're not stupid.  And the worst part is that there are a few V.S. models that look a bit healthier than the girls chosen for those commercials.  Why did V.S. decide to put their skinniest girls in this commercial?

The world may never know.

As you can see here, a "plus-sized" model (she doesn't look very "plus" to me, just healthier) can look JUST as sexy as an emaciated model.  And you know what, you JUST might be able to sell more of your brand if you stood up for more normal body standards.

Meet the gorgeous Crystal Renn:

Disclaimer:  I do not own these photos.  They were taken from this website.

  Does anyone else get as peeved as me when they see this commercial?  Or other commercials similar to this?

Recovering/hungry hungry hippo/outfit pic

I have been recovering from the massive amount of food that I consumed over the weekend.  I love going to the gym because it firms up my body and makes me feel so much better about myself.  Which is great because Sunday night and all of Monday I felt like a whale.  A big.fat.beached.whale.  Ready to crawl into my own fatness and die.  Just kidding.  A tad dramatic today, eh?

So getting over the weekend eat-a-thon has been going ok.  However, I have been hungry like NO OTHER.  Like, I could consume 2,000 calories without even blinking because I'm just hungry for it.  But I don't think my body needs it, especially after the calories consumed last weekend.  So I've been trying to keep my hunger at bay with fruits and veggies.  I think my stomach expanded LOL.  No, I'm not kidding.  Totally serious.  This actually happens.

You know that game that we played when we were kids, Hungry Hungry Hippo?  Well that's my theme song this week, apparently!  I've really had to try extremely hard to keep my intake at what I think is the 1,200-1,400 calorie level.

Anywho, I'm going to the gym today, and a few more times this week because in less than 2 weeks we are going to our friends' cottage.  And I wanna look firm in my bikinis!!!

My body has completely changed.  I am now fuller everywhere, but much firmer in my thigh/butt area, and that is great.

But I'm positive I won't be the skinniest girl up at the cottage (I was before).  And I guess that's ok because at least I pretty much like my body.  I just need to not binge when I'm up there.  It's always a huge food-fest and I feel like a complete cow afterwards.

In other news, here's the outfit I wore today.  It's very girly and cutesy.  And if you knew me, this outfit would pretty much define me, haha.  I had to throw on the white cami underneath to make it work-appropriate.  The flats are new:  grey jellies with grey fabric bows on them (I love me some bows!)  And, oh yes, I'm wearing the pearls that J got me from China.   Yay!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Garfield & Me

  Garfield and I have a lot in common- when it comes to food.  Certain foods are magnets for us and we have to consume them if they are in sight.  

  Last night I had dinner at a friends' house.  And afterwards we devoured somewhere between 5-10 cookies each.  She is my favorite college roommate and I miss her terribly.  She was anorexic.  She knows about my demons. She is now (mostly) recovered.  I say mostly because once you're anorexic, you never fully bounce back.  

  After my cookie binge I picked up J and a couple of his friends from a friend's house and suggested that we go out for late night eats.  Being guys, they thought it was an awesome idea and agreed.  So we went and had fries and coney dogs.  It was disgusting and made me feel awful.  So I'm chalking yesterday up as a binge because I ate like complete crap and ate with determination.  I was determined to get the most 'bad' out of my day food-wise, since I'd already consumed a massive amount of cookies.

  However, my binges have lessened by A LOT.  And the other thing is, now that I'm working out consistently, I don't wake up feeling COMPLETELY bad the next morning.  I mean, yeah, I feel gross.  But my stomach is still tight from working out and my legs feel firm.  Point being, I can now recover faster from a binge routine.  Before I worked out, I would feel so disgusting and flabby after a binge that I would just binge for days.  Now I can stop after a day and get my eating back to normal because my body doesn't feel blabby after a binge.  The muscle and tone stops me from bingeing for multiple days.  And the fact that I don't feel completely unattractive helps get me back to my normal healthy eating routine.

  And the other thing is my face.  I am one of those people that gains weight in their face.  When I gain it shows up immediately in my cheeks and I get face pudge. Now that I'm eating normally and working out, I rarely ever get face pudge.  Even when I binge for a day or two.  This is a great accomplishment in my book.

  Tonight is the finale of LOST and we are having Taco Night.  We do this every few months and it's always fun and delicious.  We decided on Taco Night before I binged (yesterday), so I thought that the tacos would be my bad food for the weekend.  But you know what?  Eff that.  I'm going to eat my tacos.  And it will be fine and I will enjoy the hell out of them.

  Okay that's all.  Have a good Sunday :)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Fashion Post/Thank you

  Hi everybody!  Thank you for all of the responses in my last post.  It really means a lot to me when you comment.  And I hope that at least someone out there is getting something out of my blog.  At least it lets me get my crazy out.  Haha.

  Since last post was so deep and long, I figured I'd make this one short and fun.

  Today I went to the gym and went on the treadmill and the stair climber. I also did a bunch of new ab and core exercises that were REALLY fun!!  One of them used an exercise ball and the other one used a bosu ball.  I vowed to myself that I would try to look up new exercises every week to keep it fresh and fun.  P.S.  My abs KILL.  Literally, they are burning as I'm sitting here, and I exercised 3 hours ago.

  So, you may or may not know, but I LOVE fashion.  I love clothes, I love make-up, I love fun hair, I love it all.  And as my previous posts shows here I am an expert shopper!

  One of the funnest (why can't this be a word?!) parts [but sometimes crappiest, because of the disordered thoughts] of my day is putting a cool outfit together and getting dressed.  I really liked my outfit today and thought I would share it with you.  Once I put it together I realized "oh shit, I'm going to work, I can't wear THIS!", so I had to create an ok-for-work version.

Not (clinic) work appropriate

Work appropriate!

=) Have a great night!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The significance of 113.

Hi everyone!  I hope that everyone is having a pretty good week.  We are 2 days away from the weekend, which is always a good thing.

This post may or may not get long as I will attempt to explain my obsession with weight numbers.

I weighed myself for the first time after a month.  And I weighed the same as I had a month ago: 113.

113.  This is the number that I have had in my head the past few months.  113 is the number I must not go over.  Because in my head once I go above 113 there is no stopping the weight gain.

Now you must remember that the first eating disorder I developed was Binge Eating Disorder.  What I can remember is that I was a happy, healthy, skinny teenager and I weighed 113 pounds....and then I was a fat, unhealthy, and depressed teenager at 142 pounds.

So you can probably see why 113 is a holy number to me.  It is the last weight I remember being healthy and happy at.  When I was 13 years old, my weight was 113 pounds.  113 meant nothing to me.  It was just how much I weighed.  So, what?

Once my eating disorders developed I was obsessed with the damn number on the scale.  In my anorexic/restricting phases I would weigh myself 3-5 times a day.

I could gain and lose up to 10 pounds a week by bingeing or restricting.  I was chained to the scale.  I NEEDED to know what my weight was at all times.

A little while before my 21st birthday I moved out of my parents house.  In my new apartment I did not have a scale and my obsession with the weighing was somewhat broken.

About a year after being on my own I restricted very heavily.  I was ~106-107 pounds for 2 years.  For the last 2 years I had been around 108-109.  Slooooowwwwly creeping up.  But I was OK because it was under 110, which was less than my teenage 'happy' weight.
My goal for the past few years had been to keep under 110 because maybe I wasn't as thin as I should've been even at my 'teenage happy weight'.

Well guess what folks, with this whole healing process since January, I basically had to kiss 110 goodbye.  I haven't been 110 pounds for over 4 months.  Am I ok with it?  Yes and no.
No, because obviously I HATE, yes hate, the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than what I have weighed in the past 4-5 years.  No, because what if my weight keeps going up?  No, because I'm not rail thin anymore.  No, because 108 had become my supposed 'happy weight number', and now I'm 5 pounds over that.
BUT Yes, because I am eating.  I eat all 3 meals with healthy snacks in between.  I'm not starving myself.  I eat really healthy food and I binge much less frequently.  I enjoy grocery shopping and eating much more because I'm trying to not constantly worry about calories, but more about nutrition and fuel.  I feel healthier.

And then there is this dilemma that I have had.  I know I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But where the hell did the weight go?

When I look at myself, I pretty much like how my body looks.  I look pretty fit.  I don't look fat.  I don't look super skinny, but I think other people would say that I am 'thin'.

5 pounds ago I had more insecure thoughts about my body than I do now.  WHY?  why?why?

I don't understand.  I saw more flaws with my body when I was thinner than I do now.  I don't get it.

Maybe it's because I'm more toned now.  Or maybe it's because I've accepted the fact that I should start taking in a size 0 and a 2 pant in with me into the fitting room, because the 0s may not fit me.

But what I don't get is that when I was 108  and bingeing and restricting, and I gained 1 or 2 pounds I felt it immediately.  I felt it in my clothes, I felt it everywhere.  Now I weigh 5 pounds more than that and I still fit in my clothes.  They're more snug, but most of them fit.  I really don't think I look that different than when I was skinnier.  But five pounds is a LOT!!  I'm confused.

So why the eff was I so hard on myself when I weighed less?  And why/how am I less hard on myself now?  Maybe my self therapy is working and it was all in my head.

But the question really and truly is:  Where the fuck did weight go?  How can I still fit in my (skinny) clothes?

I mean I'm not complaining.  But it just makes me sad that I was so hard on myself when I weighed less than I do now.

So, 113.  That's what I've been for a while.  I'm almost 26 years old and I weigh the same as when I was 13 years old.  I guess that's something to be 'proud of'.  But somehow my disordered mind still taunts me with 'but you were able to get down to 107 for almost 4 years!  What is WRONG with you?  DO IT AGAIN!'

But I don't think I can.  Well, I can.  I don't think I will.

I'm ok.  I'll be ok.

This change needed to happen.  I really wish I didn't have to gain weight.  But at least I still look alright.

This is good.  This needed to happen.  I'm alright.

Here are some pictures from 3 years ago, and now.  I tried to find pictures that were similar in angle.   Even *I* realize now that I was too thin 3 years ago:



Yup, this turned into a long post.



I'm sorry I've been slacking on blogging a bit.  To tell you the truth, I haven't had anything super duper exciting to write about (regarding eating/exercise/etc issue).

I've been awful at going to the gym.  I've gone once in the past 2 weeks.  But my eating has been pretty ok.  Well, I pretty much binged on Sunday: ice cream, cookies, fried chicken, fries, a burger (WOW!).  But I've been okay since then.

On most days I don't binge.  I eat normally when I'm hungry, and then I stop eating when I'm full.  I've been really listening to my body's cues on what it wants to be fed.  I know I'm going to sound kind nuts here but I really feel like my body has been telling me "I'm low on sugar, I would like some watermelon." or "I want something crunchy and fatty, but something you won't regret later: almonds".  It's actually kind of nice to be listening to my body's cues.  It's definitely enlightening since with all the eating disorders I had basically lost that little voice inside my head telling me what to eat or not eat and what my body needs.

This is not to say that I don't crave things other than health foods.  Because I do.  I wish that I could gobble up a carton of Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream twice a day.  I really love sweets THAT much.  And it's very dangerous for me, so I try my best to stay away.  I barely have any snack foods in the house.  The only things I have are veggies and fruits.  Because if I had the other stuff I'd probably binge on them.

My body feels a little less tight b/c I haven't been going to the gym regularly, but it's not completely out of wack.  I feel pretty ok about it still.  However, we are going to a friend's cottage in 2 1/2 weeks and I wanna tighten my body up a bit.  So back to the gym it is!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Graduation, wedding stuff, and how I dealt with eating issues

  After a week and a half hiatus, I'm back!  This is going to be long post, but that's because I have so much to write about! Above is a picture from graduation (I'm on the left).  I just had to post a picture because yes, we bedazzled our hats.  I am 25 years old and I spelled out 2010 with rhinestones on my Master's degree cap... SO COOL!!  Haha. =D

  The past 2 weeks were a blur and passed so quickly.  My mom came in last week on Tuesday and we had a ton of wedding stuff to take care of.  My dad came in on Thursday, and then there was graduation on Friday.  To say that we did a lot would a massive understatement.  I feel like the entire week was spent driving from one place to another to get things done for the wedding.  I had my 2nd hair trial and my hair turned out FABULOUSLY!!  I had my first wedding dress fitting and that went really well (I'm turning my dress from an a-line to a mermaid).  Best of all, my mom and dad were there for the whole thing, so it was really cool.  Also, we went to try on the dress after my hair appointment and this time everything from the shoes to the dress style to the hair to the jewelry matched! (My 1st hair trial hairstyle did not match my dress at all and I was worried) 
  My dad also got fitted for his tux and we checked out the church and the reception place-- they loved it.  And my mom and I did LOTS of shopping.  I think if there was a record for how long 2 people could shop we would break it.  We were literally out for 2 or 3 days from morning until the mall closed, shopping.  It's our favorite activity to do together and WE.ARE.GOOD.  I'm not kidding.  We find amazing clothes for great prices, and we have similar taste.  Anywho, along with a ton of other clothes she bought me (Thanks Mom!), I bought 2 dresses for the showers and parties that will be coming up.  One of the dresses is this uber chic and sexy royal blue dress.  I am not kidding when I tell you that this dress is KILLER.  I can't describe it, so here is a pic of it:  (Disclaimer, the reason that I chop my head of in pix is b/c I'm a little paranoid about pix of me out in the internets since this is a public site.  And yes, I know my profile pic is still there.  Haha =P)

Isn't this dress freaking AH-MAZING?!  P.S.  NOT the shoes I will be wearing with the dress.

    Graduation was great (but boooring), and on Saturday my parents took us all (parents, me + J, their best friends & their kids, and J's parents and brother) out to eat at a great restaurant.  The place was packed because of all of the proms and graduations-- I had to make the reservation 2 months ago!  Dinner was filled with great conversation and delicious food.  Oh and I got a massive amount of presents- yeah, no biggie.  Just kidding!  I was really surprised and it was AWESOME!
    So let me tell you about the food issues I encountered over the week of graduation.  I knew that the week was going to be filled with a lot of food, a lot of going out to eat, and a lot of dessert.  When Persians celebrate, we eat.  A LOT.  And we always have cake or sweets, as if the huge dish of food you ate would not get digested unless there was a slice of cake on top of it.  Going into the week I had promised myself that I wouldn't give in to the temptations of eating what other people were eating and eating desserts every night, because I had been eating so 'clean' the past few weeks.  It took about 1 day to realize that resistance was futile.  So I ate right along with everybody.  I went out to chinese, I had Persian food that my mom's best friend had cooked, I had sushi, I had more Persian food, I had steak, I had cake, and biscotti, and more cake, and chocolate covered pretzels, and much more I'm sure.  Point being, I ate what was offered if I was hungry, BUT I didn't binge.  I never went to bed feeling like crap. And *gasp*, I ate like a normal person.  I gotta tell ya, it was freaking liberating.  But I can't lie, every time I thought about what I was eating I felt food guilt, but I let it pass.  And I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to gain 5 pounds overnight and that weeks like this aren't how I eat all the time, so I'm ok to be doing so for a week.
    And now, a week after it's all over I have gotten back into my own eating groove again.  But I'm not being as strict as I was being before.  I was so scared that I would look chubby-faced in my graduation pictures that I had cut out all sweets and snacks for the most part.  But in the past week I've had sweets a couple of times.  I had a biscotti when I was starving at the mall on Wednesday and I had Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream last night.  But maybe I needed to flush my system of the sugar addiction when I did.  Because right now, I don't crave sweets and crappy food all the time, and it's most likely because I cut myself off for a few weeks.  Oh and just to let you know, I didn't look chubby faced in my graduation pix =)  My face looked a bit 'healthier' than the last time I had grad pix (3 years ago), but then again, I am 3 years older, and I'm not supposed to look the same my whole life.  And that's another big thing for me: I always look at older pictures of myself and compare me-now to me-then.  This is honestly the WORST thing to do.  Because 3 years ago I was 106 pounds, and I was barely ever eating normally.  So, duh, I'm gonna look different.  I have to realize that it's ok to look different.  My body and face are going to change a lot in my lifetime and I'm going to have to be ok with that.  I'm going to have to embrace the changes.
    On another note, I haven't been to the gym in about a week and a half!  Which is the longest I've gone without going to the gym since, like, January.  Hopefully today I will be going back!
    Well I hope you enjoyed my super long post.  So tell me, what interesting/new things developed with you while I was gone?


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Pretty Food

    I am happy with my diet and my lifestyle: a simple statement that means a lot coming from a person recovering from disordered eating.  On top of that I have not weighed myself in over 2 weeks.  I'm feeling much less 'eating disordered' and much more 'health conscious'.  I've been going out of my way to try to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, nuts, and protein.  And I've barely eaten ANY junk-y food in the past couple of weeks.  

    Today was a really fun food day.  I had a schmorgasbord of different healthy foods and they were all absolutely delicious!  For breakfast I had the usual 2 pieces of 100% wheat toast with cream cheese and tea.  Before I went to the gym I had a plum and a handful of almonds (an excellent source of good fat).  After the gym I went grocery shopping and bought lots of yummy fresh foods.  In fact, there wasn't ONE thing in a container in my cart (well except the deodorant!).  On the way to the car I snacked on carrots, and once I got home I snacked on broccoli.  Then I made a fabulous dinner of salmon (This is SO EASY:  massage olive oil, lemon pepper, and salt on the salmon fillet, wrap in foil and put on the George Forman Grill for 15 minutes!), a salad (lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, avocados, with salt and pepper and raspberry vinaigrette dressing), and cheesy mashed potatoes from scratch (click here for recipe).  And I plan on eating some watermelon after dinner for dessert (YUM!!). 

    Between going to the gym with my friend and eating foods that resemble a rainbow, I am pretty damn jolly!  I thought it would be fun to break the foods down by color (Fun for ME!!  Not sure if it's fun for you to read, hehe)  :

Red- tamotoes
Green- broccoli, romaine lettuce, avocado, olive oil 
Orange-  carrots
Pink- salmon, watermelon
Purple- plum
yellow- cheese
Brown- almonds, 100% wheat bread

  The only rainbow color missing is blue and the only blue foods I can think of are blueberries!  Anywho, I have a few topics that I would like to blog about in the near future including:

-Why 113 pounds is such a "critical" number to me
-Being forced to eat out and the stress it causes
-The value put on thinness and body image and body dysmorphia

    But I may not be able to blog a lot in the next week or so because I'm graduating and my parents are coming in for the week!!

    So tell me, when you eat do you think of the nutritional content and try to eat a 'well-balanced' diet or do you just look at calories or fat? (I used to do the latter, now I do the former)

    Also, is there anything in particular you'd like to read a post about?

    Have a great week everyone!!