Monday, November 29, 2010

Thanksgiving Awakening

This Thanksgiving was the most interesting Thanksgiving I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

Not only did we drive 12 hours to Kansas to visit J's aunt, and drive back a day and half later; I also encountered a lot of ED issues that came up.  Surprisingly, I dealt with them all.  I dealt with my issues and didn't make excuses for 'living' and having fun because I 'felt fat', or something of that nature.

So, what am I really talking about?

What I'm talking about is the fact that I practically ate my own weight at Thanksgiving this year.  I don't know why.  Well, I do.  There was SO MUCH delicious food.  Food was everywhere.  And everyone kept eating eating eating.  I guess I just followed the herd.

I ate like jabba the hut for three days straight.  There food was so enticing, and it was just sitting there taunting me.  Turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and cannolis and pie and ice cream and whipped cream and creme brulee ....

I was having so much fun with everyone-- talking and eating and eating and talking.  Even though I knew that I would regret eating so much after Thanksgiving I didn't stop.  Why?  I don't know.  And even though I could practically feel myself getting fat, I didn't retreat in a corner and ask J if we could leave Kansas earlier because I couldn't handle myself around the food and I couldn't risk getting fat.
I ate, I talked, and I put on my jeans and enjoyed Thanksgiving.

No one there would care if my jeans looked a little too snug.  And I was just so happy to be around family.  To be around art (J's aunt is an artist), to be crafting (I made a really pretty bracelet- and no, I'm not tooting my own horn.  It looks professional! :), to be discussing life, to let myself be free of my constraints.  It was quite a phenomenal experience.  Even right now I can't describe why I'm not (totally) freaking out about the amount of food I consumed.

I came home from Kansas, looked in the mirror, and acknowledged that I looked a little bit more round.  Then I put on a tight pair of leggings and a form fitting sparkly sweater, and got ready to attend J's ten year high school reunion.  <--This was a HUGE out-of-character move for me.  Usually after eating so terribly I feel so awful about myself that I lock myself away from anyone but J for a couple of days.  But on Saturday, I said fuck this.  I acknowledged my 'chubby' feelings, took a shower, did my hair, put on make-up and my outfit, and went to the reunion.
I had an amazing time.  And I felt pretty good about myself.  J proudly introduced me to the people that I didn't know, and I had long chats with people that I did know.  It was great.  If I had listened to my ED thoughts and my body images issues I would have been at home watching TV while hating myself for eating so much during Thanksgiving.  I would have sat alone at home and scolded myself over and over again.  But I didn't, and that's an extraordinary feat in and of itself.

On top of being thankful for an amazing Love, fabulous family and friends, our health and our happiness; this Thanksgiving, I am so incredibly thankful for the change of attitude that I was blessed with.

I'm not really religious, but I kind of want to end this post with 'Amen'.

Amen :)

Here are some pictures from the day.  I wish I could post more, but I try to not post pictures with J in them out of respect for his online privacy, and he was in most of the pictures.
So you're stuck with pix of me! =P

This is Solstice.  He is part Bengal!

This is what we feasted on for 2 days.

Yes, I ate everything on this table.  Multiple times.

Their property was beautiful!

I hope that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well. :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

For you exercise gurus... help me please!

I exercise about 3 times a week.  I do 10 minutes on the elliptical on high resistance, 20 minutes walking at a 4.3 mi/hr pace on the highest incline, 10 minutes of ab-work, and 20 minutes on a few different leg machines to work my outer thighs, inner thighs, quads, glutes, etc.

My legs have sort of toned up.  However, my ass has gotten really round.  Way too big for my liking.  And my thighs have grown in mass.

How do I do the OPPOSITE of this?

I want my legs to be streamlined and fit; not chunky and big.

Should I cut out the weight training?  Let up on the glute machine?


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

To all of my FB/WB/TN friends...

I have been getting quite a few questions of 'what happened' to me on FB and the reasoning behind why I deleted some of you off my FB account.  I want to give you an explanation, so here goes...

If you've been following my blog you know that I've had ED flare-ups the past couple of weeks.  After one very bad flare up I decided that FB may be a little bit of a trigger for my ED.  I want to assure you all that it was nothing that anyone said, and nothing that anyone did.  I think you are all lovely people, and I'm so sorry if I upset anyone.

I started noticing a trend of negativity within myself that was somewhat triggering my ED.  I realized that I spent way too much time on FB and on WB/TN-- observing other people's lives, listening to other people's rants.  And I didn't like how it was affecting me.

So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I basically went on a deleting spree to lessen my self-produced FB anxiety.  I deleted almost everyone I knew off WB/TN (not in real life), and I also deleted WB/TN.

Now, I've actually decided to de-activate my FB account for a while so that I can focus on my thesis and other things.
I just wanted to let you all know that I'm OK, and to apologize for upsetting anyone over getting deleted. I really meant no harm by it, and it absolutely wasn't personal.  It was just one of those things that I had to do for myself.

Right now I want to experience a lot more real life than online life.  I mean it when I say that I will miss knowing what's going on in your lives.  But, I have to focus on myself and other things right now, and it's very difficult for me to do that while I'm on FB constantly.

That being said, I will still keep up with my blog, as it is a positive form of self expression.  And if I stopped following your blog it's not because I was offended by what you wrote or anything like that.  I just decided to keep most of the blogs that I follow to ED recovery/health/fashion related ones, etc.

Again, I really hope that I didn't upset anyone, as it was definitely not my goal.

Thank you for your sweet messages.  :)


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Eating 'normally' while out

  After having a great work out at the gym after J got out of work, we contemplated our dinner choices.  We'd eaten at home the past couple of nights, so I suggested that we eat out somewhere.  J agreed, and we decided that we would grab sandwiches.  

To me, sandwiches are usually a safe food choice.  At most sub shops I can build my own sandwich and order the 'healthiest' options, which cause me the least anxiety.  Such was the case last night, or so I thought...

We pulled up to Blimpie's (I've never actually been there!), but two doors down was a local sub shop that looked pretty neat.  So, we decided to eat there.

Well, one glance at the menu and sweat starting building at various places on my body.  No where in sight did they have a 'healthy' and simple Turkey-lettuce-tomato On Wheat.  Every one of their sandwich choices were very creative specialty creations topped with sauces.  And for the sides you had a choice of chips, potato salad, or cole-slaw.  What was that--  Fat, fat, and fat?

I think I must have looked like a deer in the headlights because J asked me if I was "Okay?" and if I wanted to eat there.  I mumbled something about not being able to find anything healthy on the menu.  Meanwhile, my stomach rumbled with protest.  So I listened to my stomach, and told him it was okay to eat there.

I ordered something that sounded amazingly delicious: turkey, cheese, avocado, mayo, on a ciabatta roll, with a side of potato salad.  Now let me interject to tell you something silly:  I had to ask the sandwich guy what a ciabatta roll was.  
Do you know why I don't know what a ciabatta roll is?  Because I am so petrified of secret fat and calories that I have never veered past white and wheat bread.  I know.  Ridiculous.

Regardless of my knowledge in bread, the sandwich was amazing!  Eating it was like goodness wrapped up in deliciousness wrapped up in love.  And you know what I did after?  I asked J to stop at Subway so that we could get a couple of cookies for dessert.


I'm proud to say that I handled eating out pretty well this time around.

Tell me, how do you handle eating outside of your home?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010



The one piece of clothing that can actually arise a myriad of emotions.  Some swear by their easy utility and the idea that you can dress them up and dress them down.  And some bolt in the opposite direction.  (As is the case with a friend of mine who literally did not done a pair of jeans for five years.  FIVE years!)

Regardless of the feeling that the J-word gives you, jeans are a practical fashion must-have and a staple in many wardrobes.  The proper pair of jeans can make you go from frump to fashionista.

And we are in luck because many different types of jeans are 'in' right now.  Countless options are available to our fashion interpretation: wide legs, flares, skinnies, jeggings, cargos, cropped jeans, jean shorts, and much more.  Jeans can be worn in every which way, while making a bold fashion statement!

Remember the 90's?  If you didn't wear nice flared jeans you may as well not have left your house until the pair from Abercrombie arrived at the door.  And nice jeans that were acceptable were so incredibly expensive as we didn't have the option of affordable stores like Forever21.

Now, rocking various types of jeans is justifiable and fun!

With the arrival of Fall and the emergence of your warmer wardrobe comes the big question.
"How should I wear my jeans this season?" 

Two huge jean trends this season are dressed up jean shorts, and jeggings tucked into ankle boots.
Both looks are very edgy and tend to be tricky.  You don't want to look disproportioned while wearing your tightest jeggings with blocky ankle boots.  And you certainly don't want to wear your jean shorts and look like you forgot what season it is.

Here are some fabulous ways to wear the two looks.  And remember to always be confident of your outfit and carry yourself proudly; as that is truly the secret to rocking any look.  ;)

Short shorts

Jeggings and ankle boots

Monday, November 8, 2010

Image Overhaul

Hi everyone!

Yes, it's true: once again I have changed my layout.  I was getting sick of the other one.

I  really hope that my background changing isn't too distracting.  But, I just haven't been able to find anything that I love.  I haven't found a background that just screams "YASI!!".

I want simple, chic.  And I always find wacky, whimsical.
>>face palm<<

So, this will have to do for now!

Cheers! :)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Autumn boots!

Autumn is my favorite season.  
The crisp weather, the beautiful red-orange-yellow leaves, and of course, Fall clothing!  What's not to love?  It practically begs you to put on some adorable clothes and get outside.

My favorite Fall buy has been my camel colored riding boots.  I love these babies!

Somewhere Mary Poppins is cheering.

My next favorite boots are these cuddly slipper boots that I purchased last week.  They go on my feet the second I walk through the door.  I swear, they have saved my poor cold feet!

Aren't they adorable?

What's your favorite Fall buy?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Not itching-- a cause for CELEBRATION!

Having recently moved to the colder side of Michigan, I have found myself to be constantly even colder than I usually am.  I spend a lot of my day looking like this:

And when that blanket action isn't enough, I take it a step further, and look like this:

^This is the level of coldness I am at while I'm typing right now.^  

My point is that I can handle being cold;  I can pile on the sweaters,  walk around with a blanket, or even turn up the heat.  (I'm trying to control the latter option because if it were up to me I'd have the thermostat at 78 degrees year-round.  Sure, the heat bill would be $200/month, but I'd be warm. =P )
But a feeling that I can't handle is the feeling that I had at the gym last Saturday-- the uncontrollable itching I got from working myself into an ED frenzy.  

What's interesting is that even when I'd calmed myself down, I gave myself a different kind of anxiety.  I was scared that now every time I go to the gym I would work myself up, start itching like crazy, and have to leave.  
I was afraid that I would never be able to work out again.  

I know.  Dramatic much?  

So, I skipped going back to the gym until yesterday.  But, I said what the hell; I won't know until I try again.  And so I went back to the gym yesterday.  And.....

I had a great workout!  No itching! No anxiety!  


I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I was able to work out like 'normal'.  It's a blessing.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Opting out and Giving Myself a Break

Before I begin, I want to thank all of you for your warm thoughts on my last post.  You are all so helpful and amazing, and it makes me feel like I have very strong troops on my side in this ED recovery journey.

After spending a weekend deep in self-contemplation, I have quite a few thoughts to share.

I don't really know where to begin exactly...  so, this post may jump around a bit.  For that, I apologize.  This post may also be extensively lengthy.  For that, I do not apologize! :)  I think it has a lot of good bits, and I have divided my thoughts into two sections: 'Opting Out' and 'Giving Myself a Break'.

Opting Out:

After the Saturday Gym Fiasco, J and I spent a great amount of time discussing what happened.  Sometimes when I start discussing my ED and my ED thoughts with someone that I really trust, I get verbal diarrhea.  Sometimes I even impress myself with my insight into myself and my own thoughts. (Imagine that!  I actually know what's going on within myself?  Get out!)

You know the cliche about being able to fix yourself better than anybody can?  Well, from time to time, I really think that it's true.

Well, in order to fully describe all the ideas that I came up with I have to tell you what we did on Saturday after The Gym Fiasco.  We came home, I cried and cried and cried and had word vomit and cried some more.  Then I fell asleep on the couch for two whole hours.  
I woke up, and it was 6 pm.  J was being his usual cheery self (God, I LOVE this man!), even though I had once again taken out all my crazy on him.  We decided to go on a walk to make me feel better.  We talked as we walked for over an hour.  And he was right, it did make me feel better.
When we got home we decided to go get Thai food because it sounded good, and we were still trying to get me to feel better.

But, before we left the house I caught the beginning of this local TV special about youth and the pressures of today.  The show was obviously meant for parents of teens, but I thought it sounded very interesting, so I decided to DVR it.

We went out to dinner-in sweats; because my self-image was down the drain, and I didn't want to even try to put on a pair of jeans (it could lead to copious amounts of tugging at myself and at my skin and a lot of 'these fit just fine before today!  I am DISGUSTING!').

So, we're out at dinner, in sweats, and we had  delicious Thai food.  J really wanted to go see a scary movie, and I of course, didn't.  There are many reasons why I can't watch horror movies; the number one reason being that I'm a huge wuss, with a wild imagination.  But just because I can't/won't see scary movies doesn't mean that J shouldn't be able to (I mean, it was Halloween weekend!).  So I told him to drop me off at home, and he could go.  (Later he would come home full of equal amounts of enjoyment and pure terror, holding a cherry smoothie from Steak & Shake, because he needed something to 'calm him down'-- Haha!)

Once J dropped me off, I turned on the DVR and pressed play on the program I had recorded.

The show was about all of the pressures that are facing the youth of today.  It talked a lot about social networking sites, and how the way that we are instantly connected to people via on-line life (versus real life), is something completely different than what our parents had to deal with.  
There are so many new and different social pressures, online and in real life, and this has led to a monumental rise in depression and anxiety.  The internet, and especially social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace, are great places to connect with people, but they are also breeding grounds for comparison and competition.  And constant comparison can lead to a persistent feeling of not being as accomplished, good, cool, or 'as together' as others.
The TV program talked about how social networking sites allow people to post the" best" of themselves.  On the internet anybody can "look" popular, well-liked, rich, and famous.  These sites give anybody the ability to post pictures, status messages, and comments that can reflect an image of themselves that may or may not be true in real life.

These points are all very valid points and made for a tremendously eye-opening segment.  However, where the program failed was in presenting some 'coping' suggestions.  

Have you ever watched or read something, and thought "Holy crap!  They're talking about me!I know exactly what that feels like." ?  Have you ever felt like you have thought the same thoughts, but you'd never been able to verbalize them?

Well, that's how I felt while viewing this show.  Let me explain.  

I have always had somewhat obsessive tendencies, and I have a moderately addictive personality.  Add my eating disorder on top these wonderfully  kooky traits, and it's a big fat mess.
I am constantly comparing myself to people, whether I want to or not.  

"She's in medical school, and I just went to grad school.  Am I a loser?"
"She got a 4.0 and I got a 3.5.  Wtf is wrong with me?  Why can't I pull a 4.0?  I know she's not that much smarter than me."

"She look like she's lost weight.  Why haven't I lost weight? MOTHER FUCKER.  I THINK SHE'S SKINNER THAN ME NOW.  This can't be happening.  I NEED to be skinnier than her.  I can't lose this battle.  I can't stand that she's skinnier than me.  Omg I'm becoming a fat ass.  I'm not as good.  If I'm not thin, I'm not good enough. Bla blabla blabla"

The last point is a thought I battle  And the subject of my emotional crucifixion doesn't even have to be anyone I know.  It can be a random person at a coffee shop.

I constantly compare myself, my weight, my everything to people; and though these thoughts can pop up at any time,social networking sites only aid in my torment.  I try, I really do, to not compare myself to others (especially when it comes to body issues), but I always end up with terrible thoughts running through my head telling me that I'm just not good enough until I have ThePERFECTBODY.  

Ugh.  It's exhausting.  As if having a body that is as firm as Barbie's plastic parts will somehow make me happy.  It won't.  I know it won't because even when I was at my lowest weight there were things I didn't like about my body.  Even at my lowest weight I wasn't happy.  

Nothing is ever good enough for ED.

So, what am I trying to say with all of this rambling?  

I'm taking a hiatus from Facebook because I think it's exasperating my ED thoughts.  I came to a realization that I'm sick of looking at other people's lives and of knowing what's going to with their day-to-day activities.  I'm tired of getting updates that almost instantly make me compare my life/body/etc to them.  I really could care less if they are going shopping with their "BESTEST friend in the whole wide world" and they are 'SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!'.  I don't want to know if you lost five pounds, or if you're hitting the gym up yet again.  Although I am guilty of posting statuses about the gym, apparently I can't handle it when I know that other people are at the gym and I'm not.... "I'm LOSING!".

Clearly, Facebook gives me anxiety.

I'm simply opting out of getting unnecessary updates on people that I don't really care (in the nicest way possible) about.  I can keep up with the ones that I care about in other ways.  I'm sure I'll get on and check things every once in a while, but I won't go on it out of boredom.  I have other things I can do.

I believe that opting out of my need to compare myself/life to the lives of other people online will lessen my anxiety.  It will take away a towering form of self-punishment.  

Giving Myself a Break:

In addition to Opting Out, I've decided to give myself a break.  I've decided to stop berating myself.  I've decided to stop yelling at my body.  I've decided to love myself.  

I know that all of these should be a given, but for me they're not.  I need to be OK with having days that I don't feel like I look thin.  I need to be OK with the fact that I have curves.  I need to look at myself and be happy with what I see- because in all reality, there is nothing wrong with me.  I need to stop equating the way I look to my value as a person.

I'm also going to try to go back to intuitive eating, and I'm going to work hard at learning to not spend so much time and energy thinking about and planning my food intake.  It's seriously exhausting, and it's detrimental to my health and mental well-being.

I went to the library today and checked out two books on ED recovery.  Maybe those will help.  Maybe not.  I know that I have the formula for how to overcome this disorder within myself.  I just need to keep trying.