Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Food, nutrition, and set-points

  This will be a long post, but it's a good one!!

  I just got back from the gym, where I had a fabulous workout.  I did 30 minutes of elliptical, and 40 minutes of weight training/ab-work.  And I came out to 60 degree weather outside.  I think the endorphins and the fabulous weather have made me high on life!!

  But, one of the reasons that I am extra happy is because I weighed myself today after not having gone on the scale for about 2 weeks.  To tell you the honest truth, I was scared of going on there since I hadn't really worked out a ton the past 2 weeks, but I had been eating 3 meals a day and not ever really going hungry.  I was absolutely positive that I had gained weight, even if it didn't show that much in my clothes.  But I figured, what the hey, I need to see what my weight is.  I truly expected 115 (Lb) since the last time I weighed myself I was ~ 112 or so.

  So, once I got to the gym I made a beeline for the scale, took off my shoes, and awaited the moment of truth.  And the arrow landed on 110.3 or something.  What?!  I LOST weight??  Now, let me just reiterate that my goal in this journey isn't to lose weight, but to get healthy without gaining a ton of weight.  But a girl can be happy about a little weight loss, right?! ;)  But in all reality the actual reason that I was ecstatic was that I have been eating normal healthy meals without restricting my calories (eating 3 times a day plus healthy snacks in between), and I hadn't been working my butt off at the gym. So what does this tell me?  It tells me that my body has pretty much found its set-point: the weight that it's comfortable at.

  People DO YOU REALIZE what this means to me?!!?!?!  This means that I can eat like a normal person, not having to skip meals and I won't turn into a whale!!!  This means that my body is happy, and that the food that I am feeding my body is being used for energy, not being stored in my thass (thigh-ass area).  This also means that maybe I was slowing down my own metabolism before when I was restricting calories and not eating lunch.  Because I eat all the time now and my body isn't clinging to the weight like a lifeboat.  I would, in fact, call today a break-through.  If I had a therapist, I'm pretty sure that's what it would be called.  Can I get an Amen?!

  Also, since I started this healthy lifestyle journey back in January, I have noticed some changes in my body.  Obviously I'm a bit heavier (~3 pounds) than I have been for the past few years, but it's probably just muscle gain.  I used to have very skinny arms and upper body and flat but not super hard stomach (calorie restriction and good genes) and kinda of cushiony butt and cushiony upper thigh region.  I especially disliked the outer sides of my thighs.  Now my arms and upper body have gotten a bit bigger (and much stronger), my stomach is more muscular and hard (still pretty flat, but it's not as "in" as it used to be), my butt has toned and has lifted up, my upper thighs are hard and toned, and the sides of my thighs are not much of an issue anymore.  So, my best way of describing the way my body has changed is to say that my weight has redistributed.  Before I used to have a tiny top and a heavier bottom, and now I look very balanced.  I think I like it =)

  So, enough jibber jabber for today... Here is my food log and since it's only 3:30 pm, I'll guess what I'm to be eating the rest of the day.

-100% wheat bagel with 1/3 fat philly cream cheese+ tea (Can you tell that I'm a creature of habit when it comes to my breakfasts? ;)  Most people would find eating the same thing boring.  I, on the other hand, look forward to it! )

Mid-morning snack:
-1 apple

-Tuna sandwich:  2 pieces of 100% wheat bread+ 1 can of bumble bee tuna + celery + 1 2% American cheese slice

Afternoon snack (guess):
-Light & Fit strawberry yogurt

Dinner (guess):
-Shrimp stir fry over brown rice

Late night snack (guess):
- 2 or 3 Dove chocolates with tea

  Oh and before I forget, I sometimes use Caloriecount.com to track my calories and the nutritional value of the foods that I eat.  Well, this website now has an 'analysis' button which analyzes the nutritional value of what you ate that day.  Like it tells you if you need more fats or proteins or carbs, and it also tells you if you are getting a good amount of Vitamin C or other nutrition info.  I think this is an amazing tool!  Especially if your goal is to eat nutritious food, not just weight loss or something of that sort.  Anyway, just thought I'd share =)

I hope you are all having an amazing day!



Monday, March 29, 2010

Busy B

Hey ya'll,
  I've been slacking on posting because I've been really busy.  So, first of all MSU is in the FINAL FOUR!!!  Whoop!!  I spent Friday night watching the game with friends and that was really fun.
  Saturday, I got to do some weight training.  J and I were going to go running outside, and we geared up to go.  But once we were outside it was *insanely cold*, so we turned right back around and came inside.  It was funny =)
  On Sunday I was in a culture show that lasted all day.  And today I had to go to my internship really early.  So I came home and decided to take a 1 hour nap and then go to the gym.  Well... THREE hours later, I got up, extremely disoriented!  And by that time, the gym was not really in the picture anymore, haha.  I seriously can't believe that I napped/slept for that long!  I must've been REALLY tired.
  Oh and for dinner I made shrimp stir fry over brown rice.
  So, the past 2 weeks have not been very good for me gym-wise because I've been slacking/too busy to go.  However, I have kept my healthy eating habits up.  Obviously I'm eating more than I used to eat before because I actually eat lunch now, every day.  And again, this is a huge deal to me, because part of me is like "I'm eating all day long!  I'm gonna get so effing FAT".  But then the other part of me thinks that it's so nice to not be starving throughout the day.  I never knew how hungry I actually was during the day until I started taking care of that hunger.  Also, I do look a bit 'healthier', which is a hard pill for me to swallow, but I don't know...  A benefit though is that now that I'm eating well my nails have gotten really healthy and barely ever break.
  Anyway, so here is my food diary for today:

-100% wheat bagel w/ 1/3 fat Philly cream cheese

-PBJ sandwich + 80 calorie Light & Fit yogurt + carrots

-Shrimp stir fry over brown rice

  How're you guys doing with your eating and exercising habits?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Thanks a LOT PMS.

I have been so freaking hungry ALL DAY.  I had old freezer pizza for dinner, and then proceeded to buy and eat 1/2 a pint of Haagen daaz chocolate ice cream.  Yes.  I did.  I also had sunflower seeds, jello, crackers....

Yeah it was kind of a binge.  But kind of not.  I don't know.  I'm too tired to think about it right now.  I had a really long day at my internship/school and came home starving.  And then I was too tired to make anything healthy.  So a night of terrible eating ensued.

I'm slightly or maybe pretty disappointed in myself.  I will be going to the gym tomorrow.  Ugh I hate when I eat mindlessly like this b/c it makes me feel like crap.  Hopefully tomorrow I won't feel like a fat cow.

Boo.  I hope your eating didn't suck as much as mine today!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Get back in the groove, lazy!

I have not worked out for FIVE days.  This is the longest I've gone without working out since January.  And I feel like a lazy bum!  I have gotten up every day saying that by the end of the day I will either go to the gym or go running outside.  But I have managed to come up with a multitude of uninteresting tasks to do instead of working out (work on thesis, work on internship literature search assignment...).  I really and truly don't know what got me out of my rhythm, but something did.  The only thing that I can do is just do it tomorrow.  So, hopefully I will be reporting in having done some type of a work out tomorrow night!

Here's my food diary for today:

-wheat bagel w/ 1/3 fat philly cream cheese + tea

-nature valley bar + 2 eggs

Afternoon snack:
-kiwi fruit

-cheesy mashed potato with fish

After dinner snack:
-2 Dove dark chocolates w/ non-caffeinated (!) earl grey tea <~~~~~~~Amazing at night =D

Oh and to mention, I ate pretty badly this weekend.  As in, I got one of those ready-to-bake chocolate chip cookie things and finished off the whole thing.  By myself.  Quite the accomplishment!  I am disappointed with my eating this weekend and the fact that I haven't worked out.  But, I can't punish myself.  I just have to get back into my normal routine.

Wish me luck!  (And hope that I work out tomorrow, haha)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Running running

I had the most AMAZING run today!  It was 60 degrees and beautiful out, and I just couldn't imagine being inside in a gym.  But I had to work out, so I went out and bought a couple of dumbbells (5 pounds and 8 pounds).  Once I got home, I strapped on my trustee Nike sneaks that I bought around the time when J and I started dating (almost 5 years ago!).  In fact, he was on the phone with me when I was buying them, haha.  Anyway, I put on my sneaks and did a 2-minute brisk walk, and then I started to run.  After 5 minutes I thought "HOLY CRAP!!  I just ran 5 minutes straight!! I should see if I can run the whole time..."  And guess what, I DID!! I ran for 25 minutes straight.  And I am not a runner.  So that means that my working out 3 times a week have made me much stronger and fit.  I then came home and did 40 minutes of strength training.  I am so happy.  I cannot express how excited I am to report this exercise triumph!

  Oh and I also made shrimp stir fry for dinner.  What a fabulous day =D

Monday, March 15, 2010

Beyond tired

I am soooo above and beyond tired right now. It's 6 pm and I'm too tired to even take a shower. So, I will keep this really short with what I ate today and a little bit about the gym. Oh, and if you were wondering why I'm so tired it's because I barely got 1 or 2 hours of sleep last night! Why? I have NO IDEA!! But it was horrible.

-100% wheat bagel + 1/3 fat philly cream cheese + tea

*Mid-morning snack:
-50 calorie Light & Fit +8 almonds

-Chicken sandwich on 100% wheat bread with avocado, lettuce and raspberry dressing

*Mid-afternoon snack:
-1 plum + a handful of mini-carrots

-will probably eat chicken pasta with a side of broccoli

On another note, I did a full gym work out with my eyes half closed today. Don't try that at home, kids! I'm glad I went. However, it was kind of weird. Haha. I also weighed myself and I weigh 112.5 pounds. Up from last week! I really shouldn't have weighed myself. I was wearing more clothes than last time, and it was later in the day, so there was the food weight in my body. Although I've been eating 'normally' now for about a month and it's fantastic. So it's kind of hard to scoff at the weight. I mean, I care. It bothers me that the number on the scale has gone up. But I look great and I don't look 'fat'. So I dunno, man! This journey's pretty crazy on the emotions.

Ok I'm gonna make myself shower and then eat. (I'm STARVING).

Friday, March 12, 2010

Are you a Runner? Because you look like one.

Hello blog-world! ( WOW.  that was so incredibly dorky that I'm even a bit embarrassed.)

Ok now...

I had a hard-core session at the gym today.  I mean it was HARD.CORE.  There were 3 guys from the MSU basketball or football or something team at the gym.  And while I was doing my crazy hand-weight and ab work outs and sweating like a jungle creature (actually, do animals sweat?), I looked over at them and thought "You're probably all thinking, man this girl is INTENSE... it's kinda intimidating, and you know what- I AM".  I always find guy/girl dynamics so interesting at the gym.  Like today.  They guys are working out in a group, being loud, trying to get attention, trying to get the crazy-sweating-jungle-creature to look at them, but hey guess what this creature is having such a freaking good workout that she's gonna completely ignore you.  She is JUST.THAT.BADASS.

But in all reality, I didn't actually fully realize until today how much stronger my body has gotten since I began working out this January.  On the hip abductor, I have gone up from two 75-80-pounds sets of 20, to two 95-110-pound sets of 20.  On the butt machine I have increased from 120 to 130 pounds ( 3 sets of 10).  And my abs have gotten super tight and strong.  I actually did sort of a show-off ab-move today just to see if I could do it.  I lay on my back on the mat, and reached my hands behind my head and held onto this large square column thing that is connected from the gym floor to the ceiling,I put my feet together and stretched my legs out on the mat, and then I raised them and lowered them very slowly for many, many, reps. It was awesome!! You're usually supposed to do that move with a spotter, and I couldn't even do it when I was 14! Here is sorta what it looks like:


And the cherry on top was that when I was getting off of the hip-abductor machine there was this man next to me. He asked me if what I was doing was hard and I said "well, yes, I was pressing 110 pounds and then switched to 95 and that's a lot of weight!". And he said "wow, you made it look easy!" He then asked me if I was a runner and I said "No, I just work out here 4 times a week". And he said "Oh, you look like a runner". I cannot tell you how that is *music to my hears*. I LOVE the way runner's body's look. So, yes, take THAT bad-body-image-day-of-yesterday! I look like a runner! A 50 year old man said so! *Shifting eyes* Haha.

Here's a quick list of what I ate today. I haven't had dinner yet because I have Persian dance practice in 20 minutes.

-100% wheat bagel, 1/3 fat philly cream cheese, tea

Mid-morning snack:
-50 calorie Light & Fit

-2 hard boiled eggs, 1 orange

Mid-afternoon snack:
-1 piece of 100% wheat bread, One 10-calorie jello snack

Ok, I gotta get ready for dance practice. Yay for a good body-image day! But I will leave you with this. It's really interesting/ridiculous how much stock we put into what other people say about us. I have the same exact body as I did yesterday, yet today I feel like a champion and yesterday I felt like poo.

Now chew that little nugget.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bikinis and the hyperventilation that follows

Hey guys!
  I was really just planning on going to bed, but then I realized that I had Persian dance practice tomorrow (we practice barefoot), and the nail polish on my toes are chipped badly.  CHIPPED. EW.  I really really really dislike when my nail polish is chipped, especially when it's bad!  So that means that I'll be up for a little bit putting on my favorite shade of polish.

  Anyway (toes are drying), today was a long day.  I started my internship in the morning and it looks as if I'll have a lot of really cool opportunities to do cool projects and actually work right in the public health field.  So needless to say, I'm PSYCHED!  After the internship, I went back and worked at my regular job.  So no working out for me today.  That's just as well because my body probably needed the day off to recalibrate.  Oh!  And I failed to mention a particular right butt cheek cramp that I somehow got yesterday.  OUCH.

  Here is what I ate today:

-100% wheat bagel, 1/3 fat philly cream cheese, tea

Mid-morning snack:
-50 calorie Light & Fit

-PB&J sandwich
-1 plum

Afternoon snack:

-Zereshk polo (described in last night's post- basically chicken stew over rice and barberry) with a side salad of lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, avocados, with balsamic vinaigrette dressing

  Today was not a great body image day.  A few weeks ago I had ordered a few of the same swimsuit (different colors) off Victoria's Secret.  I ordered Smalls, and when they got here they were too big.  So I exchanged them for XS, which I received in the mail today.  When I put them on I just looked bleeeh.  They fit, but I just look thicker somehow now.  I hate this.  I mean, I realize that I'm eating a real lunch now and I'm not skipping meals, but I'm exercising.  Shouldn't that balance out?  Maybe my body has just gotten more muscular.  I just felt like my upper thighs were the thighs of a wild buffalo, which would only be beneficial if we were in the wild west and I was being chased by cowboys.  But I'm not.  I'm just standing in front of my mirror feeling like a fat piece of meat with a head.

  And before this whole "healthy lifestyle" change I would never ever ever eat a PB&J sandwich for lunch and then rice and chicken and the works for dinner.  A PB&J sandwich was a luxury for me (calorie-wise) because the peanut butter is fattening.  But damn it, the butter of the peanut is just.so.delicious!!!!

  My mom and John tell me that it's just in my head.  But how can it be in my head if my weight has gone up a couple of pounds (may be muscle) and I look bigger in the mirror.  My eyes are seeing just the same as before!

  So yeah... today was a bit of a struggle, but only after the swim-suit fiasco.  How was your day?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Spring is almost here!

It was almost in the mid-50's today in MICHIGAN!  And it's barely mid-March!  Let us pray and hope to the almighty weather Gods that the glorious sunshines decides to stay.

Today was another great day, although I did have some disordered eating thoughts.  First, I'll list what I ate:

*Breakfast (9 am):
-100% wheat bagel with 1/3 fat Philly cream cheese and tea

*Mid-morning snack (11 am):
-50 calorie Light & Fit strawberry and cream yogurt

*Lunch (1 pm):
-chicken sandwich on wheat toast with tomatoes, avocados, lettuce and raspberry vinaigrette dressing

*Dinner (7:30 pm):
-A persian dish called 'zereshk polo' wich consists of a stew-like chicken breast cooked with onions and cinnamon poured over white rice with cooked barberry.
-side salad of lettuce, tomatoes, avocados, and carrots

The reason that I feel a little guilty about my food today is because I probably exceeded 1200 calories.  I'm still trying to get used to eating lunch everyday and not feeling bad about it.  You see, I used to only eat something verrry small for lunch, and save the majority of my calories for dinner.  So, now that I'm eating lunch, I'm most likely getting extra calories.
However, I did stop eating dinner when I was full, not when everything on my pate was gone, and there was some rice and chicken left over.

Honestly though, I shouldn't feel that guilty because I worked out for over an hour today at the gym.  I did 25 minutes of the elliptical, 10 minutes on the stepping machine, and then 40 minutes of strength training with weights, machines, and ab-work.

I also need to cut myself some slack because I've been working out ~4 times a week since January and my metabolism has probably gone up and well, when you work out, you're burning more calories.

So yes, that was my day today.

Oh another note, I start my unpaid internship with the Michigan Department of Community Health tomorrow morning.  I'm really excited!!

Now, off I go to clean the mess I made while cooking dinner ;)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Grocery Shopping

Today was a good day.

As I write this, I am laying in bed covered with two blankets, even though it was almost 50 degrees out all day.  My two cats are taking cat naps around me, mostly because I'm too comfy to get up and let them out of my room (they tried begging for, like, 5 seconds and then plopped down).

Today was a pretty busy day, and I didn't get some of the stuff I wanted to get done, but I did go grocery shopping!  I know, I know, grocery shopping-- snooooooore.  Well, I absolutely LOVE grocery shopping. I don't really like the actually dragging myself to the store after work part, but once I'm in door it's as if the gates of heaven have opened!  Everything that I could think of (mostly) in one place?  Yes, please!

I got a great variety of food and I semi-violated the Golden Rule of Grocery Shopping... I didn't fully stick to my list.
However, I did get great 180 calorie bagels, 2% milkfat American cheese, Jello cups, Light & Fit yogurts, and black plums.  And this is all on top of my usual lettuce, tomatoes, apples, oranges, chicken, fish, tuna, cat food, etc list.  And according to J (fiance), tuna should be lumped in under cat food because "cats and humans should NOT eat the same things, and if your cats like it you shouldn't eat it!".  Can you tell he hates tuna?  One time he actually physically removed himself from the room in which I was eating tuna because "the smell makes (him) gag".  That being said, I had to buy 8 cans of tuna- 4 for me, 4 for the cats ;)

Since this week is Spring Break for my university, the gym that I belong to (university gym) closes at 7 pm.  I didn't get done grocery shopping until 5:30, and I usually need a good hour and fifteen minutes at the gym.  This doesn't include the 15 minute drive there and changing out of my work clothes, etc.  And I also didn't want to leave my groceries sitting in my car for that long.  So I decided to skip the gym for today and work out at home.

My at home work-out was semi-satisfying because I didn't get to do my 40 minutes of the elliptical and step-thingy machine, and I didn't get to do my leg and butt machines.  So I spent about 40 minutes doing my normal mat-work with 3-pound weights that I had at home and I tried a few new exercises.  But it made me wish that I had heavier weights.  I got two 3-pounds dumbbells when I first started exercising 4 times a week in January, but now I'm up to 5 and 8 pounds weights, and the 3 pound weights were kind of silly.  But hey, at least I got some exercise in and I ate really well.

Also, I'm thinking of putting up a food-diary of what I ate during the day.  What do you guys thing about that?  Is that something that would be interesting?

I will put one up for today anyway.  As a disclaimer, I forgot to set my alarm and didn't wake up until 10 am (when J called me), and I didn't eat 'breakfast' until 11:30!  Don't worry, I didn't have to be at work until 1 pm :)

*Breakfast (11:30):

-2 slices of 100% wheat toast with 1/3 fat Philly cream cheese and tea

*Lunch/weird mid-afternoon snack (3:00 pm):

-hard-boiled egg, carrots

*Late-afternoon snack (5:00 pm):

-a honeycrisp apple (Yum...my favorite kind!)

*Dinner (8:30 pm):

-3 oz salmon left over from last night, 1/2 cup of pasta with Ragu and parmesan cheese, yummy salad (lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, carrots, chickpeas, with a raspberry vinaigrette dressing)

*Late-night snack (9:45):

-10-calorie strawberry jello and raspberry light and fit

So all in all, it was a pretty healthy, non-binging day.  I tried to get my fruits, veggies, protein, carbs, and fat by incorporating a variety of different foods into my meals.  The only screwy thing was that most of my meals were pushed back a few hours, because of my apparent inability to set an alarm.

So, tell me, how was your day?  How was your exercise/food experience today?

Monday, March 8, 2010

The history

First off,  I promise to never have a post as long as this.  But given the fact that I have been dealing with disordered eating for over a decade now, an in depth history is a must!  I will be chronicling my journey to really overcome my disordered eating and I'll try to post every day =)  Happy (long) reading!!  Oh and please comment if you'd like--  I'd love to read your thoughts!

I have been admitting the fact that I have an eating disorder (s) for about 8 years now.  But in reality, I've been dealing with disordered eating and body image issues since I was probably 14 years old.  I'm not really sure what triggered it.  It could have been a slue of things.

I'm Persian, and like all Persian women I have naturally bigger upper thighs and butt.  I went to All-American schools where everyone was tall and lanky and extremely thin.  I always thought, why does my body not look like that?  But before I was in high school it wasn't a HUGE thing.  I was too busy being a kid to really worry about my body-image issues.

To boot, I have a mother who is very body-concious, and has been for as long as I can remember.  She is a very petite, beautiful, and thin woman, but she was/is never thin enough for her own liking.

So once high school started, I realized just how different my body looked from the other girl's.  They had legs that were long and thin and beautiful, and mine had stopped growing in the 8th grade.  Mind you, I was always a thin girl, but being 5'2" doesn't leave much room for loooong skinny legs.

During freshman year of high school I joined the softball team.  Everyone would bring and eat lots of unhealthy snacks.  We were 14.  That's what we did.  But for some reason, other people could stop eating junk food, and I just couldn't.  I would get around ritz crackers and cheese and keep eating until I was too embarrassed to eat any longer.  Why?  I have no idea.  It could be the fact that around this age my mom told me that if I ate a lot of bad snack food I would get fat, so I should only have a couple of cookies.  But it's not like she physically tore me away from the cookies.  So yes, that's when it all began.

I remember, at 14 I weighed 113 pounds.  And after a while I started feeling like I was so fat.  In my mind, I was way past 'normal eating' and wanted to have control over my body shape and food intake.  I split food up into 'Good' and 'Bad' foods.  Good Foods were things like carrots, bananas, and jello- very low calorie, very unsatisfying!  The Bad Foods list was much much longer.  It includes things like cookies, chips, cheetos, ice cream, chocolate, and many other things.  And every time I got around 'bad foods' I got so excited and freaked out that I felt like I was fighting an urge to 'go in for the kill'.  I saw these foods as the evil that was tempting me and keeping me away from my lanky legs and non-existant American waist.  And the more I resisted, the better and more awesome-er I was.  God it felt good to look a box of ice cream in the eye and put it back in the freezer.  But then an hour later I would find myself on the couch with a bag of cookies, two bags of cheetos, and a couple of bags of chips.  You see, once I ate even one cookie (a BAD food), I had RUINED my eating habits and my 'goodness' for that day.  So I might as well have eaten whatever else was in the house.  And if I had something sweet, I then wanted something salty, and then I wanted something sweet again.  And man, did I inhale the food.  I ate so fast that I didn't even taste most of what I was putting in my mouth.  And I wouldn't stop shoveling all kinds of crap into my mouth until my stomach hurt.  I would also hide food and eat it when others weren't looking.  It was so sad.

So, you can kind of see the predicament that I was in.  Obviously I couldn't control myself around Bad Foods,  so I had to keep as far away from them as possible.  But it's so hard when it's all around you.  What do you do???

After a couple of years of secretly doing this, I realized that something was really wrong, I had gained 30 pounds!  And I HATED food.  But if I hated it, why did I shovel it into my mouth like it was going out of style?  So, I did what most people would have done and googled my symptoms.  It turned out that I had an eating disorder (duh!) that was called Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

Once I figured out that was suffering from BED, I tried to think of ways that I could fix myself.  But it was just so hard.  And the other hard thing was that no one in my family believed that I had an eating disorder.  They just thought I had a lack of will power.  And when I explained to them that I honestly could not control myself around food, they just laughed and said I was being dramatic.

Basically, my life sucked.  I was so tortured by thoughts of food- of eating it or not eating it.  I thought about food about 85% of the time that I was awake.  I kept food journals and recorded my feelings and what I ate that day.  I tried a gazillion different diets to try to lose the weight and get my 'will power' back.  Nothing worked.  I stopped going out to eat with my friends because I knew that I couldn't control myself around food and I didn't want to ruin a 'Good Eating Day'. And then sad part is that this was all before I was 18.  During 'Good Weeks' I could lose up to 10 pounds!  This was usually done when there was a big party or something coming up.  I would eat extremely restrictively.  And during 'Bad Weeks' I could gain up to that amount.  Apparently along with my eating disorders I had also become Elastigirl!  I could get big or small at the blink of an eye.   I would weigh myself at LEAST 3 times a day.  I was absolutely obsessed with food and with my weight.

Once I turned 18, I started college at a state university.  My parents, being Persian, had me stay at home (woohoo!  Not really). The summer after college I went overseas for ~3 months and realized that so many of the people that I knew were thin.  And I wanted so badly to be thin.  So I started eating very very small portion sizes.  I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks.  I felt amazing.  I came back to the States feeling GREAT and in control.  I was awesome.  I was thinner.  I was a Super Star.  And that was the start of the Anorexic part of my eating disorder(s).

Over the next few years my weight fluctuated depending on how I ate/didn't eat.  I still binge ate, but made up for it by eating hardly anything.  At 20, my parents moved across the country and I had to move out on my own.  I also met a boy, J (my soon to be husband!!).  Very early on in our relationship I told J about my eating disorder.  And he stayed by my side while I cried and told him the deepest, darkest parts of my disorder.  It was sad, it was beautiful, it was freeing.  7 months later J went to S. Korea to work for 6 months.  During those 6 months, my restrictive dieting was heightened.  I went from 115 pounds right when he left to around 106 when he came back.  I felt FABULOUS.  I was beautiful, I was thin, I was on top of the world.  I didn't care that I was hardly eating dinner.  I had pushed food out of my mind and wouldn't really eat unless I was STARVING.  And even then, I was eating very very little.

It's been 4 years since J came back, and I've fluctuated ~107-109 pounds for the most part.  During this time, I loosened up on my eating, but still counted calories like my life depended on it.  J and I will be getting married in less than 6 months and I decided that I wanted to look really fit for our honeymoon.  Well, being 108 pounds doesn't necessarily make your body fit and attractive when you're in a bikini.  My body didn't have the definition I craved.  So I decided that I would start working out and I would once in for all try to have a normal relationship with food.  I would try to eat a breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and not make myself feel guilty.

Since January 2010, I have been working out 4 times a week and I LOVE IT!!  It's amazing.  I have definition in my legs, my stomach, and my butt.  But guess what?  When you work out, you get hungry and eat more. And you may gain muscle.  My weight has gone from 108 pounds to 111.  I have gained 3 pounds.  Now, to some people that may not be a lot, but to me it is!  I haven't gained 3 pounds since I started packing on the pounds back in high school.

And guess what?  This weight fluctuation has led to my feeling bad about my body (I look FULLER) and the way I look, and on the days that I don't work out, I am very vulnerable to binge-ing!  Oiii vey.

But I'm not going to stop working out.  I love it.  It's amazing.  Before, I was eating too little to even have the energy/drive to work out.  So, that's where this journey is going...

My goal is to achieve a normal relationship with food, to not skip any meals, and to make my body strong with physical activity.  My goal is to get over these eating disorders that have haunted me for the last decade of my life.  My goal is to look at this as a 'life style change' and not just a ploy to lose a couple of pounds.

In reality, I could lose those 3 pounds in 2 weeks if I started restricting my calories.  But, I like the gym, and I like the definition in my muscles.  I just need to find a good balance so I'm not binge-ing on the days that I don't have a structured gym regimen.  I also need to come to terms with my 'fuller' body.  I am no longer just skin and bones.  I have muscle.  Weird.

I haven't really binged like that badly in about a year, and I think the reason that it's happening sometimes now is because of the change of lifestyle.  My mind/body are having a WTF moment or two.  I just hope that sticking to this will actually make my life better and make me happier.

Ok, I'm going to end this post now (after rambling on for an hour!) by thanking J for suggesting that I share my journey with the world (or whoever is reading this) by writing a blog about it.  If you or someone are suffering an eating disorder I would highly suggest seeing a counselor or a nutritionist (I did both), and I really hope that my blog makes you realize that you are not alone.


Here is to the healthy-living journey's of all of you (and me)!!

The Beginning

Some people start a blog as a hobby, others do it as part of their work, I started this blog at 2 am on a Sunday night because I have a problem.  Don't get me wrong, I know that we all have problems.  But I have had this problem for the past 11 years!  

If you've made your way to this blog, you probably have some interest in eating disorders.  So, without further adieu, here is my story.  Please take into account the fact that it is now 3 am and I am very sleepy!

... after writing that sentence I realized just how sleepy I really am, so I'm going to put my poor eyes out of their misery and rest them for a few hours.  I promise I will finish this post or write a new post tomorrow!  

Here is the gist:

Girl with multiple eating disorders, trying to overcome disordered eating, learning to love exercise and healthy living, etc, by broadcasting it to the entire world via the internet.  Good night =)