Recognizing your Real Emotions

Hi Loves!  I hope you're having a splendid day.  It's quite ugly and dreary here in West Michigan.  The type of day that makes you want to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea, and just waste the day away.  It's also the type of day that I'm more prone to having ED encounters.  Especially if there is an underlying issue going on. 

All day I have been anxious.  Well, I've actually been very very anxious for the past month.  You see, I'm in the midst of intense job-hunting, and I'm waiting to hear back from a few employers.  One in particular has my stomach in knots.  It is for my dream job, and I've been waiting for the results since my interview at the end of August. 

So, what does that have to do with today?

Well, all day I have not been very hungry, but I keep going in the kitchen and looking in the fridge and pantry for things to munch on.  However, since we don't really keep junk food in the house, I haven't found anything 'snacky' to eat.  Plus, I'm not really craving anything in particular.  I tried to recognize my craving.  Was it for something crunchy?  I ate some popcorn.  Nope, not it.  Something sweet?  I sampled part of a chocolate Go Lean bar.  Nope, not that either. 

After my 5th time visiting the kitchen, I said fuck it (excuse my language) and put my shoes on to go get a pint of Moose Tracks ice cream to silence my food thoughts.  I just wanted to get on with my day.  But, I decided to check the mail first.  I walked out to our mailbox, and slowly turned the key.  No mail.  No mail means no rejection today from the jobs that I'm waiting on.  Or, it means that the mailman hasn't dropped off our mail yet.  Fuck.  The anxiety crept all over my body again.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't craving food.  I was desperately craving an answer for my application status with the jobs.  That is why I couldn't pin-point what kind of food I wanted to eat.  For another couple of minutes I contemplated going out to get the ice cream to calm myself down.  But then I thought about how I would feel after I downed the ice cream:  not good. 

But, my reasoning wasn't because I feared that I'd gain weight and I'd feel bad after eating a pint of sweets.  Quite the contrary.  Ever since I've moved to a great point in my recovery, if I want ice cream, I eat it.  (In fact, lately, I probably eat a pint of ice cream by myself once every week!) 

The reason that I knew I wouldn't feel good after eating the ice cream was because I wasn't actually craving icecream.  I didn't want ice cream.  I wanted a reply about my job status.  I would feel the same anxiety after eating Moose Tracks.  Actually, I would probably just be left thinking, "why did I just force myself to eat a pint of icecream when I didn't even want it?"

In the end, I didn't end up going out to buy Moose Tracks.  Instead, I realized that I had just experienced a new break-through and wanted to blog about it.  

Today, I connected with my Real Emotions.  I separated my emotional needs from my hunger needs/food cravings.  And this is HUGE, coming from someone who had Binge Eating Disorder, and who still sometimes battles with bouts of binge eating.  (Which, I must tell you, have been very very minimal in the past few months.  But, I will blog about this later.) 

So, tell me...

Have you had any breakthroughs recently?

Have you ever experienced anything similar to what I did today?

Lots of Love,

♡Yasi

Body "identifiers", and acceptance of the change

If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would allow myself to not be as thin as I could possibly be, I would have laughed and not believed you.  The mere thought of not being super skinny would leave me completely panicked. 

I was so absolutely obsessed with "thin" as my identifier, that I could not imagine myself happy in any other way.  At that time, my body defined who I was.  If I was not "Yasi, the short, skinny girl", then who was I?" 

Nobody.

(Or so I thought.)

I truly, and deeply, believed that I would not, and could not, be happy if I weighed anything over 109 pounds.  And if my weight climbed over that number, then I was damned, doomed, and done for!

This is why I did absolutely everything in my power to stay slim, and to stay under that number.  Unlike some girls who deal with ED's, mine did not involve exercise.  The reason for this is because I simply did not have the energy to complete my daily activities, let alone exercise.  And, I knew that when my activity increased my body would throw a complete shit-fit and I would lose control of my restriction.  If I did anything more than my normal routine, I would need more fuel (food), and that was a no-go.  So, my simple solution was to never be more active than I really needed to be.

What this meant was that as I lost weight (and did not exercise), I became super skinny up top, and skinny but squishy in my lower body.  My body had no definition.  I absolutely dreaded wearing bikinis, and really disliked my nude form.  I was not proud of my shape when it wasn't draped with clothing.  In clothes, I liked the fact that I looked thin-- my collar bones stuck out, my arms were waif-like.  Without clothes, I was just a squishy skinny person-- NOT that attractive.

After working on recovery for the past year and a half, my body has completely transformed.  I gained some definite weight (~10-12 pounds from my lowest weight, and ~5-7 pounds from the weight that I tried to maintain for the last couple of years before recovery).  I have also gained a lot of muscle, and some major definition and shape in my body.
Not only do I look very healthy, I am very healthy.  I am now much more active than I was-- I work out about 3x a week and I'm always up for walks, hikes, or other fun things. 

And, the reason that I can do all of these things is because I consistently feed and nourish my body.  My goal is not to be as thin as I could possibly be, it is to be fit and healthy.

In fact, I no longer identify with "thin".  But, I do identify with "athletic".  This is a huge stride for me.  Before recovery, I cringed at the word "athletic" as an identifier.  Because to me, it was almost a nicer way of saying "stocky" or "masculine", and I was terrified of being any of those things.  But, now, I don't mine describing myself as athletic, because that means that I can be as active as I want to be, and that is exciting!

This Friday, I even went on a 2.5 mile run at the gym, did strength training for a half hour, had lunch with my best friend, and an hour later went on a 2.7 mile hike with her.  A year and a half ago this would have been nearly impossible for me!

In addition, this year has been one of the first years that I've really felt comfortable with my body in a bikini.  My level of comfort has actually gone up since I first doned a bikini this Summer, so that'a a plus. :) 
And my comfort has nothing to do with looking thin in my bikini- because I don't.  I look athletic and fit.  I look like I eat normally and I work out.  And somehow, through all the positive self-talk, I've come to see 'athletic' and 'healthy' as positive descriptions.

I've actually never had as much fun during a Summer, as I have had this year.  And I attribute all of that to my recovery, and my life-style change.  Hoorah!!! :):)

♡Yasi

What it feels like to NOT want

Hi guys!
  First off, I want to tell you that something's been going on with my Blogger for weeks now-- I can't comment on anyone's posts.  :(  It's a bummer, but I am reading them!

  My post tonight was inspired by how I've been feeling lately.  In a nutshell, I feel... unrestricted.

  It's been almost a year and a half since I began this journey, and even though I have had set-backs, it's amazing how far I've come.  The Summer has always been an extremely stressful time for me.  BBQs, parties, and beach-getaways are basically protocol for every weekend.  To some people this sounds absolutely amazing.  To me, it's usually disastrous and leaves me full of anxiety for three months straight. 

  The reason for my anxiety is this... for over a decade my lovely and very thoughtful (not) eating disorder called the shots on when I got to have to fun, and when I didn't.  My oscillations in food intake and my body image dictated the things that I *let* myself do.  For example, maybe I was starving (from the non-stop restricting) on a random Thursday and it led to a huge binge.  After the episode, I would feel like such crap that I would basically sit and home all weekend trying to recover from the 'fatness' that resulted from my eating.

What if there was a party on Saturday that all my friends were going to?  Well, most of the time, I would miss the party.  Because it was more important to me to feel good about my body and my restriction, and feel 'confident and thin', than it was to enjoy the company of my friends.  In fact, if I felt fat, I felt almost 'unuitable' for other people-- as if, I was too disgusting to be around my friends.  If I somehow was convinced of going out, I would feel so terrible about myself the whole time that I completely expected to have another binge at the party.

Actually, even the parties and get-together that I felt 'good enough' to attend were messed up by my ED.  Through out my ED, I meticulously planned my intake around big events so that I was 'allowed' to eat like a normal person.  I would restrict myself the entire week so that when my friend's wedding (for example) came up, I could eat all the yummy foods.  The problem was, every time I got in these situations, I ended up gourding myself until I felt absolutely terrible.  So, my desire to be normal always ended up being very abnormal. 

I never knew how to enjoy food when I was out.  I just got so excited about all of the foods that I didn't allow myself to eat, and I had to have them all- right then and there.  Because I knew when I got home I wasn't allowed to eat any of those things.  And usually, after I returned from the parties, I would feel so awful about what I ate, that I binged for a few days afterwards (and restricted until the next time I was 'allowed' to really eat).

The funny thing is, looking back, I think that I spent more time in my head, thinking about what I could/should/would consume, than actually having fun and enjoying my time with my friends.

Sad.

But, I am happy to report, that things have changed.  It's weird, but completely right, at the same time.  It's weird because I can't remember ever enjoying my Summer weekends this much and not having my intake be the #1 thing on my mind.  It's so, so, right because this is how life should be, goddammit!!

Lately, I've been finding myself being extremely care-free with what I eat.  This, coming from the girl who always had a fit about which restaurants shw was comfortable enough to eat at; the same girl who didn't even TASTE peanut butter (fat fat fat fat) until she was 21 years old because she was afraid she'd love it and want to eat it all the time. 

However, since I threw all my 'eating rules' out the window, I literally have no restrictions.  When someone asks me where I'd like to eat, I don't freak out and try to pick a place with low-cal options.  Instead, I lean toward "whatever everyone else wants".  WHAT?!  Shut the front door!

I have never been a go-with-the-flow person when it comes to food.  I was always the picky one.  The one with the annoying eating habits that everyone else had to plan around.

Well, that person is no more!  And even more interestingly, I hardly ever binge at parties, or spend entire weekends thinking about food and my intake.  Now, I don't feel the pressure of foods choices because I allow myself to eat sensibly and fully at all times.  If I want chips with my sandwich, I eat them, but stop when  I'm full.  If I want dessert, I have some, but don't gourd myself on it.  This way, when the weekends come up, I'm not SO excited and obsessed with the food that I'm going to be 'allowed' to eat, because I'm always allowed to eat that food.

The point is, when we stop making food such a BIG DEAL, we take away its power.  This concept is almost child-like in it's simplicity.  When we stop making lists of foods that are off-limits or restricted, those foods aren't as appealing anymore.  (I even left some ice cream in the fridge for a week because I forgot about it.  This would have been nearly impossible a year ago because the icecream would haunt me and tempt me until I ate the last bit of it.)

Somehow, through this year and a half of ups-and-downs, I've learned to not be controlled by food. 

And it should be no big surprise that I now enjoy every one of my weekends having fun and not worrying about what I'm going to consume.  And even better?  I've grown closer to my friends, and my fun factor has hugely increased. ;)

Lots of Love, and I hope you have a fabulous weekend!

♡Yasi

My first video blog!! (Body Acceptance & challenges that I faced)

Hi, everyone!

  I hope that you had a fabulous week.  I have been toying with the idea of video blogging for a bit now.  And after seeing Sia Jane's and some other girl's vlogs, I decided to make my own.  It's a little long (~15 minutes, split into 2 smaller videos), but I guess I just had a lot to say!  I promise to make my thoughts more concise if I make any more video blogs.  But, I think it was alright for my first time! :)

I really hope that you enjoyed it.  I'd love to hear comments/feedback from you.  

Would you like me to make more video?  

Are they any specific topics you'd like to hear about?

Thanks for watching and have a great weekend!!

♡Yasi 

The reason why my blogging topics have changed and how my derriere is a literal family tree

via

Hi, everyone!

  I hope you're all having a great Monday. :)  I want to address something that I've been thinking about.  As you may or may not have noticed, the topics that I blog about have changed quite a bit.  I haven't written about body or food related issues in some time, and there are a few reasons why.  The most important, most exciting, and most fantastic reason is simple:  because I haven't felt like I've had to.

Plainly, I have not been struggling with disordered eating or body image issues like I used to.  I have somehow, miraculously, gotten to a place where most of the time I like the way my body looks, and most of the time I'm not over-thinking my food choices.  Sure, there are days where I'm not happy with my body--nothing that I put on looks right, and I'm not completely comfortable with my physical self.  But, the brilliant thing is that I now know that these days are normal, they will pass, and I will most likely not feel bad about myself in a week's time.

I have learned to be patient.  ((Collective GASP!))


I have begun to cut myself some slack. ( Do I feel bloated and gross today?  Well, it might be because I'm a woman, and that type of feeling is normal at a certain time every month.  Key word:  normal!)

I try, every day, to embrace my body shape and be appreciative of the history that resides in my shape.  (Think about it-- many women in my family have this shape.  My ass shape could literally be traced in my family tree!  Cool stuff, right?!)

I tell myself, with the continuous help of my wonderful husband, that I am a 26-year old woman and that my body need not resemble that of a teenager.

I remind myself, daily, that my body is beautiful, healthy, and strong.  I am not tired 24-7, I have energy to work out and PLAY (!!), and I can take part in any activity without the topic of food taking over as the foremost thought on my mind.

For the first time, in a very, very, long time, I am seeing life with a new set of eyes.  I am enjoying so many things that I had missed out on in the past.  Now, I look forward to gatherings with friends.  I get excited about outings, BBQs, and trips.  I am able to drink beer, wine, and other alcoholic drinks, and enjoy them guilt-free.  This may seem very silly to some, but for years I did not partake in drinking because I was petrified of consuming liquid calories.  Now, I allow myself to drink occasionally.  I've even discovered that I love red wine, and some beers, too.  Woohoo for being an adult!!!

I am also fascinated with dressing and outfitting my body with clothes that flatter my shape.  More importantly, I have stopped forcing my body to be emaciated and thin so that I can fit into certain types of clothes that I deem cool.  If something doesn't look good on me, well, that sucks-- but, on to the next!

Ultimately, I have learned to RELAX!  This one is a big one for me.  I've had to teach myself to calm down, let go, and that nothing is as big of a deal as I think it is.

Example:
I feel like my thighs look HUGE in these pants.  I want to cry into my cereal.  My day is ruined.


So what?  Am I a model? (No.)  Does my livelihood depend on the fit of my pants? (No.)  Does it make me less of a person?  (Nope.)  Does this "problem" compare to any of the problems that 99.9% of the people in the world are dealing with right now?  (No...*while shrinking away, embarrassed*)


A dose of perspective is sometimes the best way to pull yourself out of a rut.




My point is, my Lovelies, that these are the reasons why my blogging topics have changed.  Now, I tend to desire blogging about fashion and style, rather than my every body-image issue.  Because, incredibly, I can deal with most of the issues myself. :)  Of course, I still read quite a few ED-related blogs and keep up with the ED-recovery community.  I will always be passionate and involved in ED issues and topics.

Well, I must go work on my thesis.

You are amazing and I am tremendously grateful for your support, love, and wonderful words.

♡Yasi  

How I came to be able to eat the left-overs (and the road to intuitive eating)

My left-over Blimpie from last night. 

Ugly, but yummy!

I used to say that I hated to eat left-overs, particularly for lunch.  I would say it with conviction, and I would back it up with reasons ranging from "I hate old food" to "I'm just not that hungry at lunch time".

But it was a lie.  The truth is, I was terrified of eating left-overs.  Eating left-overs (along with eating any 'real' food) for lunch and not knowing the calorie count in what I was eating was a non-option.  It was some weird complex of my disordered eating ways.  I figured, if I knew the exact amount of calories that I consumed for breakfast and lunch, and controlled them and kept them low enough, then I could relax a little on counting calories for dinner.  Therefore, in some twisted way, eating left-overs for dinner was peachy keen; but for lunch?  NO WAY.

What I did allow myself  to eat did not even begin to resemble a real lunch.  In my mind, I could eat anything as long as I was sure of the exact calorie count. That 'magical count' was 300 calories.  This left me eating delicious and fun (completely kidding) things like: 1 orange (100 cal) and 1 Nature Valley bar (180 cal), or 1/2 cup of sunflower seeds (160 cal) and 1 apple (100 cal).  My brain had actually become a Calorie Count Encyclopedia of some sorts, and I knew the exact number of calories in many foods, right off the top of my head. 

The problem, though, was that I didn't know the calorie counts of any 'real' foods.  Like, the number of calories in a pasta dish/rice dish/other food that I made.  So, I decided to make things easier for myself by completely avoiding foods that I didn't not know the calories of.  This made for the least interesting (and healthy) lunches on the planet.  They were boring, not very yummy, and repetitious.  But, somehow over the years I had convinced myself that I actually enjoyed these lunches and that I hated to eat real lunch food.

Recently, though, I have progressed to eating left-overs for lunch-- and I cannot tell you how exciting this is for me.  It's as if my body says to me, enthusiastically :  You mean we can eat the sandwich that was left over from dinner last night?!!!  PARTY CITY!!!! (Ooh Ooh!)

Even though I am beyond the moon about this new development in my inuitive eating, I do want to take a moment and point out that getting to this place did not happen over night.  The path that worked for me actually started over a year ago--by forcing myself to eat a home-made sandwich for lunch every single day (with a yogurt, and carrots).  Boring, yes, but it was a good stepping stone as I could still count the calories that were in the simple sandwich and accompanying snacks.

In the Summer and Fall, my 'real lunch' eating habits waned, and I had a few disordered eating set-backs.  Over the Winter months, I somehow, miraculously, got very tired of all of my ED habits.  I was completely  exhausted from the constant fighting in my own head, and I decided to give intuitive eating a chance.  What could I lose?

I began to eat when I was hungry, and stop when I was full.  Simple, right?  Yes, and no.  While the concept was very simple and worked very well at times, my body was so used to being controlled with numbers and what I should or shouldn't eat at a given time, that my intuition couldn't always be trusted.  Sometimes I binged and felt awful afterwards.  Sometimes I restricted.  But, the beauty of it was that I wanted so badly to eat intuitively, that when I did 'fall off the wagon' I picked myself right back up.  I learned to forgive myself for slipping.  I learned to take every little scrape and bruise as a lesson.  My body and mind learned together that when I stuff myself full of chocolate and pizza it makes my stomach hurt and it feels awful.  I also learned that when I restricted I was hungry and unhappy.

Now, months after starting to eat intuitively, I can say that it is much easier.  I have began to trust my intuition.  And, remarkably, I can now enjoy the left-overs for lunch. :)

Sidenote:  I really wanted to end my post with the above, but knowing that some of you may have questions about weight, I decided to add this in.  My number one reason for not trying intuitive eating sooner was because I was afraid that if I gave myself the option to eat anything I wanted, I would frantically gain weight.  Well, I have some great news, eating intuitively did not make me gain any weight.  I weigh about the same now than I did before.  The only thing that has changed is that I now trust my body and its needs, and as I posted here, I even feel more attractive and at peace with myself.

Please feel free to send me any questions here on my blog, or @ triumphant.yas@gmail.com.

I would absolutely love to help any of you along in this journey in any way that I can.

=)

Being OK with being 'average' & countering negative body-image thoughts

Recently, I've felt pretty good.  Stable, at peace (most of the time), and happy with my body.  In fact, I wrote a whole entry about it here!

However, as I wrote in the aforementioned post, I still have slip ups.  The key, though, is to quickly counter these negative thoughts and to make myself feel better about my body and the way I look.  

I have to be honest, there probably is not one time that I look in the mirror and think "wow, I am so thin-I look GREAT!".  The reason for that is because I don't look very thin anymore.  I look average.  I am not fat, I am not chubby, but I'm not uber thin.  And for so long being the thinnest I could possibly be was one of the top priorities in my life.  Having an 'average' weight was absolutely not an option.  Being 'healthy' looking was not good enough.  I wanted to look extremely thin.  I wanted to look a little malnourished, because to me, that was attractive.  >WHAT?<  

Yes, it's true.  I thought that the thinner I looked, the better I looked.  The less 'average-sized' I was, the more proud I was of myself and my drive to 'stay thin'.  I even felt like a better and more accomplished person when I was very thin.  "No, I don't want to eat lunch, I'm not hungry at all."--even when I was starving.  

What's even more sad is that recently I have been peaking at pictures of myself throughout the last few years.  I remember the exact body-image feelings that I held in almost every single one of those pictures.  And in almost 80-90% of them I remember feeling utterly disgusted with my 'fat, chubby body'.  I remember how I berated my body while getting dressed for every single event.  I recall the excruciating hate that I single-handedly peppered myself with (daily, if not every time I caught my own reflection in a mirror).  My getting dressed and feeling terrible about myself, and constant state of hunger, left me in a terrible mood almost all of the time.  I tainted every single experience I ever had with horrible and ugly thoughts about my being.

I cannot describe to you how sorry I feel for my former self.  I wish I could go back in time and shake myself and tell me that I am absolutely insane if I think that 107 pounds is fat.  But, alas, it probably would not make a difference--as I hadn't yet learned all of the lessons I needed to learn to get to the place that I am now.

My point, though, with this post is to tell you that I still get those ugly thoughts in my head when I get dressed, or when I look in the mirror.  But, now I have learned that I cannot trust my own initial reaction to the way that I look.  If I thought that I looked disgusting and fat when I was obviously so thin, then, clearly, I have a warped way of viewing myself.  

What I try my hardest to do now is to dress in clothes that make me feel good about myself.  If I don't like how a pair of jeans is fitting, then I change into another pair that make me feel better (or I wear a dress or a skirt).  

Then, if I still look in the mirror and get terrible "I'm so fat-- I need to lose 5 pounds NOW" thoughts, I remind myself that I thought those exact things even at my thinnest, and that losing weight will NOT make me feel better about myself.  I remind myself that I look healthy and that's a great thing.  I'm not hungry all of the time.  I can enjoy food with everyone, without having to worry about calories and weight.

But, in order to get to this place, I had to do one thing:  I had to learn to be OK with having an average weight.  I'm sure I am still considered 'thin' for someone my size, but to me, I am just average now.  My ultimate goal is to prioritize my life and my self-worth to revolve around my experiences and not the number of pounds that my body weighs.  And if that means that I look not-as-thin, but can go out and have a good time with my friends and family and not constantly worry about food,weight, and how thin/fat I look in my jeans, then it's absolutely worth it to me.

 =)

When food loses its power

Yay!!!  Cheers all around!

Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I would write this post.  In fact, I've attempted to write this post three times today already--Each time, writing one sentence, and closing out the page.

So, here goes...

After 1 year and 2 months of working on overcoming my ED-thoughts, and intuitively eating (more recently) and exercising regularly, I believe that I have in fact gotten 'THERE'.
Where is there?  THERE is the place where I eat based on hunger, where I enjoy foods that I'm craving, where I exercise when I want, where I look at my body and like how it looks.  The reason that I was so hesitant to write this post was because I still have days when I feel 'fat', days when I'm down, days when I look at pictures of 'skinny' me and wish that I was thin again (because I looked soooo much better, right?  WRONG!).  But, I finally decided to write the post anyway, because most of the time I am happy with the way I feel and look.  Most importantly, though, I am writing this post because I have finally gotten to a place where I'm not afraid of food.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I am not kidding you when I say that I can't believe I actually wrote the above words.  How can I not be afraid of food?  How can I not fear the calories that are in everything?  How can I not constantly be thinking about food (because if I'm not constantly analyzing my intake I will gain 1,000 pounds and DIE.  Right?  WRONG!)?

Well, somehow, through all my trials and tribulations, through all the ups and downs, through all the crying and skin-tugging, through all the stress of gaining 5 pounds of healthy muscle, I made it here.  Let me tell you this:  I have not restricted in months.  I have eaten consistently without restricting my intake.  And in the last couple of months, I have practically stopped counting calories.  Sure, if a menu shows calorie counts, I'll browse over the numbers.  But, now, it may or may not affect my choice-- I will still order what I'm craving.  The brilliant part, however, is that I've somehow learned to keep eating until I'm hungry and to stop eating when I'm full.

So, basically, in my 26 years on this Earth, my eating habits have reverted back to childhood-- when everything was instinctive.  Bravo!  BRA-VO, Yasi!!  


The most wonderful part, though, is the dissolution of the control I just had to have over my food intake.  I used to literally freak out if I ran out of my usual 'safe foods'.  If I didn't have the breakfast foods that I was comfortable with, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  Same with lunch-- if we didn't have foods that I had deemed 'okay to eat', I just wouldn't eat.  Now, somehow, miraculously, food has lost its power over me.  Instead of planning my meals out way ahead of time, I now have the attitude of a 16-year old boy (again, much age-reverted improvement on my part ;) ).  It's more: open the fridge, "What do we have to eat?  I'm hungry!".


If I was British, this is where I would say: This is bloody brilliant!!


Getting here was NOT easy.  It sucked.  It sucked a big one.  I had to gain weight.  I gained about five pounds, and hated every one of them.  My body shape changed completely.  Instead of having a small top and a 'squishy' bottom, my body evened out.  My skinny arms got bigger, and my legs toned up.  I had to buy new pants because I went up a size.  Even the shape of my face changed!

In the beginning, I had a lot of binges because I didn't know how to control myself.  I didn't know if my body really wanted/needed something or if I was eating something for the sake of eating.  And I'll say it again, gaining those five pounds SUCKED.

But, overtime I have learned to like my bigger, more firm, healthy body (most of the time!).  I had to learn to like the way I looked, and somehow this improved my self-confidence.  A funny fact is that when I was in the throes of my ED, I felt ugly if I wasn't wearing make-up.  Like, HIDEOUS ugly.  In the last few months, I've grown to appreciate the way I look, even bare-faced.  I now only wear make-up when I feel like it, and wear much less of it. =)

On top of all that, a couple of months ago, I got a terrible haircut which prompted me to cut all my hair off.  I really think that my hair was the last security blanket from my 'ED days'.  With my long hair I kept comparing myself to the 'skinny me'.  Like, gosh I was so pretty and skinny back then with my long hair.  Well, my hair's still the same, so I technically *could* look that way again if I just lost a few pounds.  Chopping my hair off made me look entirely different.  With my hair way shorter (and cuter, I think!), I didn't look anything like the skinny/ED me.  It really was a final push to separate myself from my ED-ways... almost like a reward.
With my new hair, I even started changing up the way I dressed to fit my healthier body.  I was (am) inspired!  And inspiration can only lead to great things.
Overall, I'm not sure how important a 'new look' is for other Recoveries, but it really helped me embrace the new 'healthier me'.

But back to the reason why I finally decided to write this post.  To be honest, the reason that I decided to write it was because I wanted to show you guys that it is possible to get to a place where you're happy with what you're eating, and happy with how you're feeling and how you look.  I feel like I sound like a self-help book, but recovery is possible!  Full happiness is possible!  

But, even as I write this, I know that I'm still going to struggle on and off.  And you know what?  That's OK, and it's very normal. :)


I love you all so much, and couldn't have gotten to this place without all of your help, your kind words, and your support. <3

~Yasi

Positive Changes



I started this journey to becoming healthy in January of last year.  A year and a few months later, I'm at a much better place.  Of course, I have bad days.  But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is so much better.  Here are all the great things about being in a healthier place:

1.  I get to EAT!  I am able to eat yummy foods multiple times a day because that's normal and healthy.

2.  I can eat a variety of things without feelings terrible.

3.  I binge much less frequently since I'm not restricting myself.

4.  Food is GOOD!

5.  I have gotten to buy new clothes, especially pants.  Who doesn't love shopping?!

6.  My changing body has forced me to change the way I dress, and that's a good thing.  Variety is the spice of life.

7.  I lived through a bad haircut incident, which forced me to cut my long hair (that acted as my ED security blanket).  I now love my short hair, so much, that I got another haircut yesterday. =)

8.  My entire body has changed from working out.  I look healthy and STRONG.

9.  My legs, butt, and stomach are obvious, but they have wonderful definition.

10. I can be as active as I want, and I can use food to refuel.  I no longer sit around not doing things because I have no energy.

11. I can go out on hikes, run around, and do fun things with J and other people because I'm not afraid of what the food schedule will be.  I know that when I'm hungry, I can eat whatever is available.  And I'm actually OK with it.  Whoa!

12. I'm not afraid of bingeing while travelling, and of always worrying about food on my trips.  My normal eating lets me have a great time, and eat intuitively when I'm *hungry*.  Gasp!

13. And finally, I can enjoy food AND life-- at the same time!

=)


So, tell me, what are the great things about recovery for you?

Sickness and its role in increasing ED behaviors

This was me on Saturday:

Dance Party!!

This is me today:

Pity Party!! 

If you guessed that I'm sick, you would be correct.  The good news is that I don't get sick a lot (anymore).  However, up until a about a year ago (when I began my healthy eating/exercising regimen) I used to get sick all the time.  I would always catch whatever cold, flu, or what have you, that was going around.

This is a little embarrassing to confess, but, I actually enjoyed being sick.  I would even get a little giddy (secretly, of course) when I felt a cold coming on.  It meant that I had an excuse to not eat much, and it was technically O.K. with others because, well, I was sick, right?

It didn't matter that being sick also meant that I was exhausted and couldn't go out and do fun things.  All that mattered was that now that I might actually not have an appetite during the illness, I could eat as little as possible, and come out of it a little thinner.  When everyone was saying "Aww, it sucks that you're sick", I was thinking 'What sucks about not having an appetite and losing weight?!'.

The wonderful thing is that I no longer get excited about being sick.  When I woke up this morning coughing with a congested chest, I thought 'Ohhh man, I can't be sick!  I need to hurry up and get better so that I can go skiing next weekend!  I don't want to lay around the house doing nothing!'.

Now that is the healthy reaction to an illness.  Because in all (healthy) reality, who actually likes being sick?!  It's sick to enjoy being sick.

So, today instead of trying to eat as little as possible, I grabbed my blanket, some orange juice (which I never used to drink because I didn't want the liquid calories), and ate some deliciously thick bean and noodle stew that I made.  

And I promise you, I cannot wait to feel better!

So, tell me....

What is your initial reaction to a sickness?

What's your best remedy for getting over a cold?

<3

  

Recovery lesson, number begillion:

I have been doing very well with recovery the last few days.  This makes me smile :)

One day I craved really fatty Ben & Jerry's ice cream.  I went to the store, bought a pint, brought it home, and ate half of it.  It was DELICIOUS.

On the same night, I had PB& honey for dinner with 2% milk.  It tasted like heaven.

I know I've mentioned this before, but, I don't have a scale at home.  I haven't had one in about 5 years.  I refuse to.  If I had a scale I would weigh myself obsessively and be sick with ED thoughts.

2 weeks ago I went to doctor for a check-up so I was forced to have my weight taken.  I weighed in at 113.5.  I was okay with this since that seems to be the number that my weight seems to fluctuate around (sometimes I weigh myself at the gym).  I had a follow-up to that appointment this past week and I had to get weighed again.

 I was seriously dreading the follow-up appointment because the night before was the night that I had a lot of ice cream and PB & honey.  To say that I was anxious would be an understatement.  I even told myself that I just wouldn't look down at the scale because I didn't want to experience an ED trigger if my weight was higher than what I weighed in at last time.

But, I didn't really get the opportunity to do that because the nurse had me get on the scale (while she was sitting in a chair writing things) and tell her what my weight was.  I was forced to look down at the scale.  I panicked briefly.  mother fucker.  I looked down at the scale.  111.


"What does it say?" -Nurse 
"111" -Me


I slowly sat down in my chair while my head was spinning with thoughts.  It's as if someone had just shared a universal truth with me.

I didn't gain weight overnight.  Or over the last week.  Or over the last two weeks.  And I have been eating consistently, not denying myself food.  I know that my weight is lower, but I shouldn't rejoice over it.  I should just realize that weight fluctuates and that my body apparently LOVES staying around 110-113 because that's where it is *happy* and *comfortable*.  Eating for health does not make you fat.  Eating for health is just that, HEALTHY.


:)

Food is food is food

Today I ate a pop tart.

And it was grand!!

Ever since I got back on the recovery wagon I make sure that I'm never really hungry.  I carry fruit or some other form of food with me to make sure that I don't panic about what or when I'm going to eat.

Today I had breakfast around 9:00 am, then a snack of watermelon and wheat thins around 1:00 pm, and by 2:00 I was going to go to the gym.  I figured I didn't need a piece of fruit to take with me because I was going to go to the gym and I wasn't at all hungry. I'd just eat after the gym.  Well, I actually ended up leaving around 2:50 and I had to run some errands before the gym.

By the time I got to the gym it was 3:45 and I was full on STARVING!!  I started cursing myself for not grabbing a low-calorie snack of some kind to eat before the gym.  And I actually turned my car around to go home to grab something that I deemed "healthy/low cal/non-guilt".  But something in me, I'm gonna call it my ED-Rambo, did a swift roundhouse kick to my brain and knocked the non-sense out of me.

I was going to drive 15 minutes home and 15 minutes back to the gym just to grab a nectarine???  WTF, Yasi?!!

So, I decided to attempt to be normal--drive straight to the gym and get something out of the vending machine.

Now, there are a few questions:

1.  Why would you have a vending machine full of chips and cookies at the gym?  Why isn't there a healthier option?
2.  Would I dare eat one of those 'unhealthy' options?  Was I desperate enough?  Was I brave enough?

The answers are:

1.  Blame BP.  Because they deserve it.
2.  Yes, I dared to eat snack food out of a venting machine because food is food is FOOD.  It is fuel.  I wasn't going to let myself go hungry and pass out on the treadmill.  Yes, it's 400 calories and not very nutritionally dense, but I could easily burn it at the gym.

So, I opted for a cinnamon and brown sugar pop tart.  I sat at a little lounging table in my gym clothes and very excitedly ate my vending machine food.  It.was.THRILLING.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and dirty in front of everyone.  I was a BADASS.

However, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty afterwards.  I did.  I thought about that pop tart and the fact that I just willingly ate it.  But you know what?  What counts is that I DID eat it.  I took control of my body's cues and fed it fuel.  Because food is food is food.

I feel like I just ran a 5K under my usual time.  I feel like I accomplished something-- by eating a pop tart.

Ohhhh man, writing about recovery is hilarious (sometimes)!

=)

Beautiful Body

A lot of people know about my ED.  I make a point to get it out there.  I feel that if it can happen to me, it may be happening to other people around me, and I could help them because I've been there.

When I visited my best friend in Virginia I told her about my 2 week bout with ED before I came to visit her and how I had been doing so well in recovery beforehand.  And I told her how I just have to accept my body for how it is.  She is the thinnest, blondest, tallest girl you have ever seen.  She's 6'1" and 120 pounds.  She's athletic, and she's never had an eating disorder in her life.  I've always been envious of girls with "American/European" body types.  And for so long my goal was to make my body look like that--by starving.

Apparently I'm smart enough to get a Bachelor's in Human Biology and a Master's in Epidemiology, but I have trouble realizing that my body and my bone structure won't ever change.

This has been the biggest obstacle in my recovery-- coming to terms with MY body type.  Basically, accepting that my body will not ever look like the bodies of any of hollywood's petite starlets.  I have hips that are wider.  I have long limbs which make my torso looks shorter.  I have a flat stomach and a butt that is here for life.  And I will never have a gap between my legs (unless I'm starving myself).

I was telling my best friend all of the above and she said "it's so funny that you are so self conscious about your body, because you come off so confident about your looks!".  And it's true, I am confident about my looks on the outside.  I'm almost always confident about my face, but then I just kill my body with criticism.

I stand in front of the mirror, naked, inspecting my body.  Was that dimple there 2 days ago?  Is my stomach protruding?  Do my legs look like tree trunks?  Are my clavicles sticking out?  Do I look thin?  Worse, do I look FAT??

What I've been trying to do recently is stare in the mirror and pick out the things I love about my body.  And then look at my body as a whole and realize that I am lucky to have what I have.

I did this tonight.

THIS is my body type.  This is the body that will get me through life.  This is the body that I have toned through exercise and through non-starvation.  This is a beautiful body.  My body is beautiful.

=)

5 Pounds of Love

Hello my Loves!
  How have you been?  I haven't written in a little bit and I missed you all.

If you've kept up on my posts you would know that I had a really rough few weeks with my eating disorder flaring up.  But then I somehow miraculously came to my senses when I realized that restricting my eating and being obsessed with losing a couple of pounds was making me down right MISERABLE.

In short, I was a bitch.  I was constantly hungry, annoyed, and short with people and the only thing that made me happy was getting on the scale and seeing my weight drop from 113 to 111 to 109.  I was completely preoccupied with making the number drop and doing everything to make sure that it at least stayed at 109.  And I know this is random, but my nails were constantly chipping.  Which meant that I wasn't get the right nutrition.  When I was eating correctly, my nails were beautiful and strong and NEVER chipped!

I went to Chicago for the 4th of July with J and I spent the entire time figuring out ways to consume the least amount of calories possible while still having fun (I really DID have fun though, so that's good!).  We went to the Taste of Chicago which is this little fest where you can buy tickets and get tastes of all kinds of different foods from a variety of restaurants in Chicago.  And I ate as little as I could while still trying to be normal and 'taste' things.  Mehhh.

And you know what sucks?  Coming home drunk and knowing that eating something would make you feel SO much better b/c you don't feel good, and sitting there agonizing over of the number of calories in a Nature Valley bar.  Because OBVIOUSLY eating that would ruin you.  Obviously.

We came back from Chicago on Monday and guess what I did that night?  Semi-Binged.  I had freaking starved myself for 2 weeks and I was hungry.  I was supposed to leave for Virginia to visit my best friend on Wednesday and on Tuesday I came this this realization.  I realized that I didn't want to spend my entire vacation in Virginia worrying about what I was eating or counting calories.  And thank God I came to that conclusion when I did.  Because it helped me have a hell of a great time with my best friend!!
We went to the gym or did some sort of physical activity every day.  And then we would lay out or go to the beach.  I also ate completely normally and it was GREAT.  I had a freaking blast!!

I have gained back the weight I lost in the two weeks I spent miserable.  But I'm ok with it.

Boy, have I come a long way since a 7 months a go.  5 pounds heavier, but much happier.  And you know what, I think I wear these 5 pounds well.  These are 5 pounds of muscle, 5 pounds of good times, 5 pounds of NOT starving, 5 pounds of not being a bitch, 5 pounds of not freaking out about what I'm going to be eating, 5 pounds of having meals with my fiance and not skipping out because "I'm not hungry".  These are 5 pounds of Love.

I have my 2nd wedding dress fitting this upcoming Thursday and my bachelorette party is next Saturday.  I am SO excited.  People in my life love me for me, not for how thin I am.  I love me for me, not how bony my arms look.

I was walking out of work today and it was one of those days where I didn't have a lot of time to get ready and I felt like my outfit was a little off.  As I was walking a man said to me "Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that you are a very beautiful woman."  Verbatim, that's what he said.  I was so shocked and happy that I just looked at him and said "Thank you SO much!".  What a wonderful person he was. More people should give each other compliments.  I try to as much as I can.  I should try harder.

Little things like that go a LONG way.  I definitely spent the rest of my day feeling wonderful.

=)

So, tell me, what's new with you all?

I missed u!

I have one thing to say...

FUCK U Ed.  Fuck you and your treacherous ways.


I went to Chicago this wknd and really watched what I ate.  I came home yesterday and was starving so I ate a bunch of stuff including chocolate.  I went on the scale today and was at 112.  Apparently I gained 3 pounds while watching what I ate attentively.

I crumbled on the inside.  Then I went on the treadmill and realized how strong my legs had gotten from working out.

Ed, I will literally kick your ass.  I will physically beat you up.  You weak little piece of shit.


Fuck you.

I'm going to Virginia to visit my best friend tomorrow and I'll be damned if I restrict myself.  I had all of these plans of how I was going to forgo food and bla bla.  Eff that.  I'm going to enjoy my vacation.  Read:  I'm not going to stuff my face, but I'm not going to starve myself.  I'm gonna eat right along with everybody.

I have my dress fitting on July 21st.  I will eat normally up until then.  If I feel like a cow while trying on my dress I will consider restricting my eating 2 weeks before the wedding and losing a couple of pounds.

But this is not sustainable.  I love working out too much.  And I like being able to enjoy food with everybody.  So much of life revolves around physical activity and food.

Anyway.  I am going to enjoy my vacation in 100 degree Virginia.  I will live in my bikini and like my strong thighs and body.

I refuse to starve.  I want to have fun.

Love u all.

Will write soon =)

The Beach

  The above picture was taken at my friend's cottage this past Saturday.  Wanna know what my first thought was?  "This is a good picture, but OMG do I have back-fat rolls?!?!?!? WTF. zoom zoom zoom. IS THAT A ROLL?"

  So now that we have established my level of crazy, let me tell you that this was a great travel weekend for me ED-wise, even though the above story doesn't make it seem like it was.  This was the first weekend we went up to the cottage after my ED-recovery and lifestyle change that I started this past January (It's been 6 months!  WOW!!).  

  Before the lifestyle change my eating during the week consisted of restricting, and my eating during the weekend consisted of gorging myself like a big fat pig.  Well, it makes sense because that's what happens when you're starving half the week!!  So when cottage weekends came up, I would restrict even more obsessively during the week and then I would stuff myself like a Christmas Turkey when we were at the cottage.  I would eat completely non-stop, no matter if I was full or not.  

  And when you really think about it, this makes absolutely no sense!  Because when I'm at the cottage I'm in a bikini 1/2 of the time, so why would I be stuffing myself when I'm exposed to the whole world? I have NO idea!!  But I do know that I would skinny-fy myself for the cottage, and then when I got there I just couldn't take it anymore and I'd eat anything in sight.

  Well guess what?  This past weekend was the first time in a really long time that I didn't do that!!!!  I ate more than I would eat on a normal weekend, because cottage weekends revolve around the cooking skills and grilling-wars of The Guys, and we eat what they make.  And they make A LOT of food.  But even though I ate all the meals that were provided, I stopped eating when I was full.  In addition, we usually go to a little store and pick up alcohol and other things we forgot to bring to the cabin.  This trip usually consists of me ransacking the store for s'mores fixings or some other huge bag of chocolate.  But I didn't do that this weekend!!!  I picked up an ice cream bar b/c I was 'preparing' myself for my crazy late-night cottage chocolate cravings, but then I realized that I don't need to 'stock up' just to fill my needless craving later, so I PUT IT BACK.  I didn't want ice cream at that moment, and well, tough luck for me if I started wanting it later.

  So all in all, a great trip.  We got some sun, and I didn't feel absolutely disgusting in my bikini.  I know I look bigger than some other trips to the cabin, but I look more fit now.  More fab than skinny flab.  

  =)

**Questions for you:

When you travel, do you eat out of control?

Do you restrict your eating before taking a big trip?  Especially one that involves bikinis/swimwear?

Ridding myself of size 0 mentality- Out with the old, in with the new

  Getting ready for work this morning left me annoyed.  It was 80 degrees out and a lot of my work appropriate shorts and pants just didn't fit right.  My ass was being squeezed into a cantaloupe shape by most of the pants.  And there was some very unwanted stretching of pant fabric going on around the nether-regions.  NOT good.  It would be an understatement to say that I was pissed and frustrated.

Yes, most of these pants were size 0.  Yes, most of these pants had fit me for the past 4 years.  But I'll be the first to admit that they are not fitting correctly anymore!  So I thought:  "eff this.  My body has changed and I'm just going to have to admit it and deal with it."



In reality, trying on pant after pant after pant only to realize that my thighs and my butt have gotten bigger was sad.  I haven't had my pants not fit me correctly in YEARS.  I have a closet full of different types of pants that look like poo on me now.  And I refuse to walk around looking like poo when I'm not.  Even though it's difficult to cope with all of the body changes, I am glad that I did this lifestyle transformation and that I'm exercising and eating correctly now.  Yes, my body has gotten bigger and more muscular and I'm not skin and bones anymore, but that doesn't mean I can't look good in clothes.  Maybe I just can't look good in my old clothes.

And this little thought developed into a 2 hour shopping extravaganza for work appropriate summer pants and shorts.  In addition, I came to the conclusion that I should just start taking size 2 pants into fitting rooms because I am just not a size 0 anymore.  And that's that.

 Right after I post this I will be raiding my closet and getting rid of any pants that I don't feel are up to par.  God knows I need to get rid of clothes.  I'm a clothes hoarder.  My only excuse is that I'll always wear it later!  And I always do.  However, my body is probably not going to change back and be uber thin.  So it's my clothes that have to change.  No reason to stare at size 0 pants that make your bottom resemble a large fruit.

Here are the pants that I bought.

1.  Khaki cargo shorts from Anne Taylor Loft
2.  Cropped skinny chinos from Anne Taylor Loft
3.  Dark denim washed bermuda shorts from Forever 21

Also, I'm usually a flats type of girl.  But I own a gazillion pairs of heels that I really need to get more use out of.  And I have really long limbs for how short I am (5'2").  So when I wear heels I like that they make my legs look lanky.  I need to start putting my heels into action!!

Anyway, here are the pix.  What do you think of the pants/shorts?

Questions for you:

Do you have a certain size mentality?  Is a certain size the holy grail of sizes for you?


Do you often throw out/donate old clothes or do you keep them around for years?


Do you throw out/donate clothes that don't fit you anymore or do you keep them around for that 'one day'?

The significance of 113.

Hi everyone!  I hope that everyone is having a pretty good week.  We are 2 days away from the weekend, which is always a good thing.

This post may or may not get long as I will attempt to explain my obsession with weight numbers.

I weighed myself for the first time after a month.  And I weighed the same as I had a month ago: 113.

113.  This is the number that I have had in my head the past few months.  113 is the number I must not go over.  Because in my head once I go above 113 there is no stopping the weight gain.

Now you must remember that the first eating disorder I developed was Binge Eating Disorder.  What I can remember is that I was a happy, healthy, skinny teenager and I weighed 113 pounds....and then I was a fat, unhealthy, and depressed teenager at 142 pounds.

So you can probably see why 113 is a holy number to me.  It is the last weight I remember being healthy and happy at.  When I was 13 years old, my weight was 113 pounds.  113 meant nothing to me.  It was just how much I weighed.  So, what?

Once my eating disorders developed I was obsessed with the damn number on the scale.  In my anorexic/restricting phases I would weigh myself 3-5 times a day.  I.kid.you.NOT.

I could gain and lose up to 10 pounds a week by bingeing or restricting.  I was chained to the scale.  I NEEDED to know what my weight was at all times.

A little while before my 21st birthday I moved out of my parents house.  In my new apartment I did not have a scale and my obsession with the weighing was somewhat broken.

About a year after being on my own I restricted very heavily.  I was ~106-107 pounds for 2 years.  For the last 2 years I had been around 108-109.  Slooooowwwwly creeping up.  But I was OK because it was under 110, which was less than my teenage 'happy' weight.
My goal for the past few years had been to keep under 110 because maybe I wasn't as thin as I should've been even at my 'teenage happy weight'.

Well guess what folks, with this whole healing process since January, I basically had to kiss 110 goodbye.  I haven't been 110 pounds for over 4 months.  Am I ok with it?  Yes and no.
No, because obviously I HATE, yes hate, the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than what I have weighed in the past 4-5 years.  No, because what if my weight keeps going up?  No, because I'm not rail thin anymore.  No, because 108 had become my supposed 'happy weight number', and now I'm 5 pounds over that.
BUT Yes, because I am eating.  I eat all 3 meals with healthy snacks in between.  I'm not starving myself.  I eat really healthy food and I binge much less frequently.  I enjoy grocery shopping and eating much more because I'm trying to not constantly worry about calories, but more about nutrition and fuel.  I feel healthier.

And then there is this dilemma that I have had.  I know I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But where the hell did the weight go?

When I look at myself, I pretty much like how my body looks.  I look pretty fit.  I don't look fat.  I don't look super skinny, but I think other people would say that I am 'thin'.

5 pounds ago I had more insecure thoughts about my body than I do now.  WHY?  why?why?

I don't understand.  I saw more flaws with my body when I was thinner than I do now.  I don't get it.

Maybe it's because I'm more toned now.  Or maybe it's because I've accepted the fact that I should start taking in a size 0 and a 2 pant in with me into the fitting room, because the 0s may not fit me.

But what I don't get is that when I was 108  and bingeing and restricting, and I gained 1 or 2 pounds I felt it immediately.  I felt it in my clothes, I felt it everywhere.  Now I weigh 5 pounds more than that and I still fit in my clothes.  They're more snug, but most of them fit.  I really don't think I look that different than when I was skinnier.  But five pounds is a LOT!!  I'm confused.

So why the eff was I so hard on myself when I weighed less?  And why/how am I less hard on myself now?  Maybe my self therapy is working and it was all in my head.

But the question really and truly is:  Where the fuck did weight go?  How can I still fit in my (skinny) clothes?

I mean I'm not complaining.  But it just makes me sad that I was so hard on myself when I weighed less than I do now.

So, 113.  That's what I've been for a while.  I'm almost 26 years old and I weigh the same as when I was 13 years old.  I guess that's something to be 'proud of'.  But somehow my disordered mind still taunts me with 'but you were able to get down to 107 for almost 4 years!  What is WRONG with you?  DO IT AGAIN!'

But I don't think I can.  Well, I can.  I don't think I will.

I'm ok.  I'll be ok.

This change needed to happen.  I really wish I didn't have to gain weight.  But at least I still look alright.

This is good.  This needed to happen.  I'm alright.

Here are some pictures from 3 years ago, and now.  I tried to find pictures that were similar in angle.   Even *I* realize now that I was too thin 3 years ago:

2007

2010

Yup, this turned into a long post.

:)

Slacker

I'm sorry I've been slacking on blogging a bit.  To tell you the truth, I haven't had anything super duper exciting to write about (regarding eating/exercise/etc issue).

I've been awful at going to the gym.  I've gone once in the past 2 weeks.  But my eating has been pretty ok.  Well, I pretty much binged on Sunday: ice cream, cookies, fried chicken, fries, a burger (WOW!).  But I've been okay since then.

On most days I don't binge.  I eat normally when I'm hungry, and then I stop eating when I'm full.  I've been really listening to my body's cues on what it wants to be fed.  I know I'm going to sound kind nuts here but I really feel like my body has been telling me "I'm low on sugar, I would like some watermelon." or "I want something crunchy and fatty, but something you won't regret later: almonds".  It's actually kind of nice to be listening to my body's cues.  It's definitely enlightening since with all the eating disorders I had basically lost that little voice inside my head telling me what to eat or not eat and what my body needs.

This is not to say that I don't crave things other than health foods.  Because I do.  I wish that I could gobble up a carton of Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream twice a day.  I really love sweets THAT much.  And it's very dangerous for me, so I try my best to stay away.  I barely have any snack foods in the house.  The only things I have are veggies and fruits.  Because if I had the other stuff I'd probably binge on them.

My body feels a little less tight b/c I haven't been going to the gym regularly, but it's not completely out of wack.  I feel pretty ok about it still.  However, we are going to a friend's cottage in 2 1/2 weeks and I wanna tighten my body up a bit.  So back to the gym it is!

Graduation, wedding stuff, and how I dealt with eating issues

  After a week and a half hiatus, I'm back!  This is going to be long post, but that's because I have so much to write about! Above is a picture from graduation (I'm on the left).  I just had to post a picture because yes, we bedazzled our hats.  I am 25 years old and I spelled out 2010 with rhinestones on my Master's degree cap... SO COOL!!  Haha. =D

  The past 2 weeks were a blur and passed so quickly.  My mom came in last week on Tuesday and we had a ton of wedding stuff to take care of.  My dad came in on Thursday, and then there was graduation on Friday.  To say that we did a lot would a massive understatement.  I feel like the entire week was spent driving from one place to another to get things done for the wedding.  I had my 2nd hair trial and my hair turned out FABULOUSLY!!  I had my first wedding dress fitting and that went really well (I'm turning my dress from an a-line to a mermaid).  Best of all, my mom and dad were there for the whole thing, so it was really cool.  Also, we went to try on the dress after my hair appointment and this time everything from the shoes to the dress style to the hair to the jewelry matched! (My 1st hair trial hairstyle did not match my dress at all and I was worried) 

  My dad also got fitted for his tux and we checked out the church and the reception place-- they loved it.  And my mom and I did LOTS of shopping.  I think if there was a record for how long 2 people could shop we would break it.  We were literally out for 2 or 3 days from morning until the mall closed, shopping.  It's our favorite activity to do together and WE.ARE.GOOD.  I'm not kidding.  We find amazing clothes for great prices, and we have similar taste.  Anywho, along with a ton of other clothes she bought me (Thanks Mom!), I bought 2 dresses for the showers and parties that will be coming up.  One of the dresses is this uber chic and sexy royal blue dress.  I am not kidding when I tell you that this dress is KILLER.  I can't describe it, so here is a pic of it:  (Disclaimer, the reason that I chop my head of in pix is b/c I'm a little paranoid about pix of me out in the internets since this is a public site.  And yes, I know my profile pic is still there.  Haha =P)

Isn't this dress freaking AH-MAZING?!  P.S.  NOT the shoes I will be wearing with the dress.

    Graduation was great (but boooring), and on Saturday my parents took us all (parents, me + J, their best friends & their kids, and J's parents and brother) out to eat at a great restaurant.  The place was packed because of all of the proms and graduations-- I had to make the reservation 2 months ago!  Dinner was filled with great conversation and delicious food.  Oh and I got a massive amount of presents- yeah, no biggie.  Just kidding!  I was really surprised and it was AWESOME!

    

    So let me tell you about the food issues I encountered over the week of graduation.  I knew that the week was going to be filled with a lot of food, a lot of going out to eat, and a lot of dessert.  When Persians celebrate, we eat.  A LOT.  And we always have cake or sweets, as if the huge dish of food you ate would not get digested unless there was a slice of cake on top of it.  Going into the week I had promised myself that I wouldn't give in to the temptations of eating what other people were eating and eating desserts every night, because I had been eating so 'clean' the past few weeks.  It took about 1 day to realize that resistance was futile.  So I ate right along with everybody.  I went out to chinese, I had Persian food that my mom's best friend had cooked, I had sushi, I had more Persian food, I had steak, I had cake, and biscotti, and more cake, and chocolate covered pretzels, and much more I'm sure.  Point being, I ate what was offered if I was hungry, BUT I didn't binge.  I never went to bed feeling like crap. And *gasp*, I ate like a normal person.  I gotta tell ya, it was freaking liberating.  But I can't lie, every time I thought about what I was eating I felt food guilt, but I let it pass.  And I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to gain 5 pounds overnight and that weeks like this aren't how I eat all the time, so I'm ok to be doing so for a week.

    And now, a week after it's all over I have gotten back into my own eating groove again.  But I'm not being as strict as I was being before.  I was so scared that I would look chubby-faced in my graduation pictures that I had cut out all sweets and snacks for the most part.  But in the past week I've had sweets a couple of times.  I had a biscotti when I was starving at the mall on Wednesday and I had Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream last night.  But maybe I needed to flush my system of the sugar addiction when I did.  Because right now, I don't crave sweets and crappy food all the time, and it's most likely because I cut myself off for a few weeks.  Oh and just to let you know, I didn't look chubby faced in my graduation pix =)  My face looked a bit 'healthier' than the last time I had grad pix (3 years ago), but then again, I am 3 years older, and I'm not supposed to look the same my whole life.  And that's another big thing for me: I always look at older pictures of myself and compare me-now to me-then.  This is honestly the WORST thing to do.  Because 3 years ago I was 106 pounds, and I was barely ever eating normally.  So, duh, I'm gonna look different.  I have to realize that it's ok to look different.  My body and face are going to change a lot in my lifetime and I'm going to have to be ok with that.  I'm going to have to embrace the changes.

  

    On another note, I haven't been to the gym in about a week and a half!  Which is the longest I've gone without going to the gym since, like, January.  Hopefully today I will be going back!

    

    Well I hope you enjoyed my super long post.  So tell me, what interesting/new things developed with you while I was gone?