I have been doing very well with recovery the last few days. This makes me smile :)
One day I craved really fatty Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I went to the store, bought a pint, brought it home, and ate half of it. It was DELICIOUS.
On the same night, I had PB& honey for dinner with 2% milk. It tasted like heaven.
I know I've mentioned this before, but, I don't have a scale at home. I haven't had one in about 5 years. I refuse to. If I had a scale I would weigh myself obsessively and be sick with ED thoughts.
2 weeks ago I went to doctor for a check-up so I was forced to have my weight taken. I weighed in at 113.5. I was okay with this since that seems to be the number that my weight seems to fluctuate around (sometimes I weigh myself at the gym). I had a follow-up to that appointment this past week and I had to get weighed again.
I was seriously dreading the follow-up appointment because the night before was the night that I had a lot of ice cream and PB & honey. To say that I was anxious would be an understatement. I even told myself that I just wouldn't look down at the scale because I didn't want to experience an ED trigger if my weight was higher than what I weighed in at last time.
But, I didn't really get the opportunity to do that because the nurse had me get on the scale (while she was sitting in a chair writing things) and tell her what my weight was. I was forced to look down at the scale. I panicked briefly. mother fucker. I looked down at the scale. 111.
"What does it say?" -Nurse
I slowly sat down in my chair while my head was spinning with thoughts. It's as if someone had just shared a universal truth with me.
I didn't gain weight overnight. Or over the last week. Or over the last two weeks. And I have been eating consistently, not denying myself food. I know that my weight is lower, but I shouldn't rejoice over it. I should just realize that weight fluctuates and that my body apparently LOVES staying around 110-113 because that's where it is *happy* and *comfortable*. Eating for health does not make you fat. Eating for health is just that, HEALTHY.