I haven't posted about anything ED/Food related in a bit, but here goes.
I have been severely, SEVERELY, challenged by ED this past week or so. But I think I've managed to come out pretty OK. My mom came to Michigan and has been staying with me since one week ago. We have been spending every waking second together-- 'nuff said. I love my mom, but I reeeeally also like my alone time. And I've gotten, like, zero alone time the past week. So, that's been stressful. The only alone time I've gotten is when I've gone to the gym a few times.
On top of that, my mom has eating and body issues. However, she completely acts like she doesn't. The woman barely eat ANYTHING. It's so frustrating trying to recover from an eating disorder when your mother brags about her size 2 pants to you and takes four bites of a salad and says "OH MY GOSH, I'm soooo full!! I ate SO MUCH!". When I'm around my mom and her eating behaviors I get very agitated and it makes me want.to.restrict.so.badly.because.obviously.i'm.a.fatass.if.my.pant.size.is.the.same.as.my.mother's.
On top of that, she's constantly telling me to eat. Eat eat EAT! Which just confuses and annoys the hell out of me. It's like "how dare you tell me to eat when you eat barely anything!".
Anywho, with all of the wedding activities that have been going on, I knew that I was going to be challenged with many many many ED thoughts these last couple of weeks before the wedding. There are so many parties and get-togethers and food to eat and dresses to fit into!
I have been scared out of my freaking mind that I will somehow gain weight and not fit into my skin-tight shower dress or my wedding dress. Well, my wedding shower was today, and I fit into my dress just fine, so WHEW!
To top it all off, I've been doing wedding stuff non-stop and it's that time of the month, which makes me hungry all the time. And I've been eating some sort of dessert every single night. Whether it's a bit of chocolate or a chocolate chip cookie, or something else that is delicious and bad for my assets.
So basically, I've been deathly afraid of gaining weight for the wedding because I'm in so many food-consumption situations that are out of my normal routine.
I don't really know how I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with it well I guess because I haven't restricted. I've gone to the gym three times this week and my body feels tight and firm. I just feel guilty when I eat because my head is constantly yelling at me "What the fuck are you doing?!?! You have your fucking wedding in one weekend and you can't keep your damn hands off the feeding fork? What kind of a bride are you?!! You need to LOSE weight you loser, not eat".
I guess my only coping mechanism has been that I've been so busy that I don't have time to sit around and feel super guilty about what I ate. And to eat when I'm hungry and stop eating when I'm full.
But anyway, my 1st bridal shower was today and it was absolutely beautiful!! It was about 20 of us ladies and we had so much fun. I got my hair done (yay!), the place was amazing, the food was fantastic, the guests were great, and I got lots of presents for our kitchen! Oh yeah, and I fit in my dress- Thank God! So, there is hope for my wedding dress!!!
Here are some pix:
J's aunt gave me a cute apron to put on!