Saturday, July 31, 2010

A Bump in the road... How do I get over this?

I am not a hateful person.  I love love.  And I try really hard not to use the word hate, or think of hate.

So why do I act so hatefully toward my body?  Why do I curse it out?  Why is it that when I look at my body all I can think is:

"You are disgusting!"
"You are so round!"
"You are FAT!"
"You are a blob!"
"Look at your thighs!"
"Look at your stomach!"
"Look at your huge ass!"
"You are SO pudgy!"
"Your body is disgusting!"

... and many other hateful thoughts.

Ever since I started eating regularly again I feel the same hateful thoughts toward my body.  All the time.

Today I freaked out on J and told him all of my thoughts and cried and threw things.

He tried so hard to calm me down and tell me that I'm beautiful and that my body is perfect and healthy, and that I'm not fat at all.

But then I continued to freak out on him.  And I looked up at him and saw a look on his face I have never seen before.  He looked like an innocent 12 year old version of himself, faced with something more complicated than he could ever deal with.

This scares me more than I can describe.  I cannot overwhelm the man who is my Love, my Rock, with my sick and ridiculous eating disorder.

I can't let my mental disorder, my stupid absolutely fucked up eating disorder, infect my relationship.

I can't.

How do I stop hating my body?  How do I look at it and embrace that I have curves?

I don't know how women who are bigger do it.  How do they look at the roundness of their bodies and love it?

My body will change at different times in my life.  Maybe some day I will be pregnant.  Some day I will get old and my body may get saggy.

How can I love my body?


Hating it consumes me.  Hating is just expending useless energy.

I am not a hateful person.  Why do I hate on my body?

Please, I'm asking those of you who have gotten past this part of recovery... How do you learn to love your new bodies?


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Let it Pass...

Getting over an ED is challenging.  It's a mind fuck.

I can feel absolutely fine and happy with my body one day, and the next I feel like a big fat blob.  It's abnormal- I realize this.

But it's all in my head.

On Saturday I went out for my bachelorette party and I felt beautiful.  My body felt good and firm and attractive.

I ate out for almost every meal on Saturday and Sunday.  I hadn't binged, but I hadn't kept track of my calories and I didn't have the chance to work out.  I hadn't had 100% control over what I had consumed.

On Sunday night I looked in the mirror and felt like a big Fatty McFatPants.  I felt like I gained 5 pounds.  I hated how my body looked.  It was depressing.

Situations like this come up almost bi-weekly.  And it sucks a big one.  So, what do I do?  How do I tackle this problem?

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to tell myself that it's all in my head and that it will pass.


And it always does.  It has to, because it's in my head.  Sometimes it's even so extreme to where I feel like I have a complete fugly and fat body at night, and when I wake up in the morning I feel slender and am happy with my body.

So, it has to be in my head.  My body is not gaining or losing visible amounts of weight in 12 hours.  It's not physically possible.

On another note, I have completely stopped weighing myself since the little ED flare up a few weeks back.  I figure that as long as I eat well and exercise, my weight will not really change.  My clothes all fit the same, so that's all I care about.

But anyway, the point of this post is that I have realized, furthermore, that most of the crazy is in my head and not in reality.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bachelorette Party!

Last night was a BLAST!!  J's sister and cousin really and truly outdid themselves!  There was nine of us girls and I was so happy with the turnout.  

We went out for dinner, and then I opened presents.  And the rest of the night we barhopped, drank, danced, and had a ball!  Everybody got along and had a great time together.  =)

This was the first wedding activity to kick off the month leading up to our wedding and I'm so happy that it was such a good experience and memory!

...27 days!!!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Site Layout and other stuff :)

Hi everyone!
  I hope you're having a great day.  It's hot as all hell here.

  Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry my blog looks like crap.  Apparently the website where I got my layout is having issues and I don't have time to find a new one right now.

  Also, this weekend is my Bachelorette & J's Bachelor party weekend!!!  They are separate though, hehe =)  So since I'll be dancing my weekend away, I won't really be posting.

  Have a fabulous weekend!


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm a Bachelorette!

  My wonderful almost-sister-in-law and cousin-in-law are throwing me a bachelorette party this Saturday.  I cannot tell you how freaking excited I am for this. 

 I get to dress up and the party is for ME?? 


And of course I bought a new dress for the occasion ;)  The dress didn't come with the belt.  I bought it separately.  It's a bit mismatched, so I might end up wearing a black belt to cinch my waist.  But I kind of like the fact that it doesn't quite match.  It's like a little surprise!

Mismatched belt

Mismatched belt

Black belt

So, what do you think...
Does the mismatched belt looks okay or does it look out of place?  

Monday, July 19, 2010

Food is food is food

Today I ate a pop tart.

And it was grand!!

Ever since I got back on the recovery wagon I make sure that I'm never really hungry.  I carry fruit or some other form of food with me to make sure that I don't panic about what or when I'm going to eat.

Today I had breakfast around 9:00 am, then a snack of watermelon and wheat thins around 1:00 pm, and by 2:00 I was going to go to the gym.  I figured I didn't need a piece of fruit to take with me because I was going to go to the gym and I wasn't at all hungry. I'd just eat after the gym.  Well, I actually ended up leaving around 2:50 and I had to run some errands before the gym.

By the time I got to the gym it was 3:45 and I was full on STARVING!!  I started cursing myself for not grabbing a low-calorie snack of some kind to eat before the gym.  And I actually turned my car around to go home to grab something that I deemed "healthy/low cal/non-guilt".  But something in me, I'm gonna call it my ED-Rambo, did a swift roundhouse kick to my brain and knocked the non-sense out of me.

I was going to drive 15 minutes home and 15 minutes back to the gym just to grab a nectarine???  WTF, Yasi?!!

So, I decided to attempt to be normal--drive straight to the gym and get something out of the vending machine.

Now, there are a few questions:

1.  Why would you have a vending machine full of chips and cookies at the gym?  Why isn't there a healthier option?
2.  Would I dare eat one of those 'unhealthy' options?  Was I desperate enough?  Was I brave enough?

The answers are:

1.  Blame BP.  Because they deserve it.
2.  Yes, I dared to eat snack food out of a venting machine because food is food is FOOD.  It is fuel.  I wasn't going to let myself go hungry and pass out on the treadmill.  Yes, it's 400 calories and not very nutritionally dense, but I could easily burn it at the gym.

So, I opted for a cinnamon and brown sugar pop tart.  I sat at a little lounging table in my gym clothes and very excitedly ate my vending machine food.  It.was.THRILLING.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and dirty in front of everyone.  I was a BADASS.

However, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty afterwards.  I did.  I thought about that pop tart and the fact that I just willingly ate it.  But you know what?  What counts is that I DID eat it.  I took control of my body's cues and fed it fuel.  Because food is food is food.

I feel like I just ran a 5K under my usual time.  I feel like I accomplished something-- by eating a pop tart.

Ohhhh man, writing about recovery is hilarious (sometimes)!


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Beautiful Body

A lot of people know about my ED.  I make a point to get it out there.  I feel that if it can happen to me, it may be happening to other people around me, and I could help them because I've been there.

When I visited my best friend in Virginia I told her about my 2 week bout with ED before I came to visit her and how I had been doing so well in recovery beforehand.  And I told her how I just have to accept my body for how it is.  She is the thinnest, blondest, tallest girl you have ever seen.  She's 6'1" and 120 pounds.  She's athletic, and she's never had an eating disorder in her life.  I've always been envious of girls with "American/European" body types.  And for so long my goal was to make my body look like that--by starving.

Apparently I'm smart enough to get a Bachelor's in Human Biology and a Master's in Epidemiology, but I have trouble realizing that my body and my bone structure won't ever change.

This has been the biggest obstacle in my recovery-- coming to terms with MY body type.  Basically, accepting that my body will not ever look like the bodies of any of hollywood's petite starlets.  I have hips that are wider.  I have long limbs which make my torso looks shorter.  I have a flat stomach and a butt that is here for life.  And I will never have a gap between my legs (unless I'm starving myself).

I was telling my best friend all of the above and she said "it's so funny that you are so self conscious about your body, because you come off so confident about your looks!".  And it's true, I am confident about my looks on the outside.  I'm almost always confident about my face, but then I just kill my body with criticism.

I stand in front of the mirror, naked, inspecting my body.  Was that dimple there 2 days ago?  Is my stomach protruding?  Do my legs look like tree trunks?  Are my clavicles sticking out?  Do I look thin?  Worse, do I look FAT??

What I've been trying to do recently is stare in the mirror and pick out the things I love about my body.  And then look at my body as a whole and realize that I am lucky to have what I have.

I did this tonight.

THIS is my body type.  This is the body that will get me through life.  This is the body that I have toned through exercise and through non-starvation.  This is a beautiful body.  My body is beautiful.


Friday, July 16, 2010

5 Pounds of Love

Hello my Loves!
  How have you been?  I haven't written in a little bit and I missed you all.

If you've kept up on my posts you would know that I had a really rough few weeks with my eating disorder flaring up.  But then I somehow miraculously came to my senses when I realized that restricting my eating and being obsessed with losing a couple of pounds was making me down right MISERABLE.

In short, I was a bitch.  I was constantly hungry, annoyed, and short with people and the only thing that made me happy was getting on the scale and seeing my weight drop from 113 to 111 to 109.  I was completely preoccupied with making the number drop and doing everything to make sure that it at least stayed at 109.  And I know this is random, but my nails were constantly chipping.  Which meant that I wasn't get the right nutrition.  When I was eating correctly, my nails were beautiful and strong and NEVER chipped!

I went to Chicago for the 4th of July with J and I spent the entire time figuring out ways to consume the least amount of calories possible while still having fun (I really DID have fun though, so that's good!).  We went to the Taste of Chicago which is this little fest where you can buy tickets and get tastes of all kinds of different foods from a variety of restaurants in Chicago.  And I ate as little as I could while still trying to be normal and 'taste' things.  Mehhh.

And you know what sucks?  Coming home drunk and knowing that eating something would make you feel SO much better b/c you don't feel good, and sitting there agonizing over of the number of calories in a Nature Valley bar.  Because OBVIOUSLY eating that would ruin you.  Obviously.

We came back from Chicago on Monday and guess what I did that night?  Semi-Binged.  I had freaking starved myself for 2 weeks and I was hungry.  I was supposed to leave for Virginia to visit my best friend on Wednesday and on Tuesday I came this this realization.  I realized that I didn't want to spend my entire vacation in Virginia worrying about what I was eating or counting calories.  And thank God I came to that conclusion when I did.  Because it helped me have a hell of a great time with my best friend!!
We went to the gym or did some sort of physical activity every day.  And then we would lay out or go to the beach.  I also ate completely normally and it was GREAT.  I had a freaking blast!!

I have gained back the weight I lost in the two weeks I spent miserable.  But I'm ok with it.

Boy, have I come a long way since a 7 months a go.  5 pounds heavier, but much happier.  And you know what, I think I wear these 5 pounds well.  These are 5 pounds of muscle, 5 pounds of good times, 5 pounds of NOT starving, 5 pounds of not being a bitch, 5 pounds of not freaking out about what I'm going to be eating, 5 pounds of having meals with my fiance and not skipping out because "I'm not hungry".  These are 5 pounds of Love.

I have my 2nd wedding dress fitting this upcoming Thursday and my bachelorette party is next Saturday.  I am SO excited.  People in my life love me for me, not for how thin I am.  I love me for me, not how bony my arms look.

I was walking out of work today and it was one of those days where I didn't have a lot of time to get ready and I felt like my outfit was a little off.  As I was walking a man said to me "Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that you are a very beautiful woman."  Verbatim, that's what he said.  I was so shocked and happy that I just looked at him and said "Thank you SO much!".  What a wonderful person he was. More people should give each other compliments.  I try to as much as I can.  I should try harder.

Little things like that go a LONG way.  I definitely spent the rest of my day feeling wonderful.


So, tell me, what's new with you all?

I missed u!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I have one thing to say...

FUCK U Ed.  Fuck you and your treacherous ways.

I went to Chicago this wknd and really watched what I ate.  I came home yesterday and was starving so I ate a bunch of stuff including chocolate.  I went on the scale today and was at 112.  Apparently I gained 3 pounds while watching what I ate attentively.

I crumbled on the inside.  Then I went on the treadmill and realized how strong my legs had gotten from working out.

Ed, I will literally kick your ass.  I will physically beat you up.  You weak little piece of shit.

Fuck you.

I'm going to Virginia to visit my best friend tomorrow and I'll be damned if I restrict myself.  I had all of these plans of how I was going to forgo food and bla bla.  Eff that.  I'm going to enjoy my vacation.  Read:  I'm not going to stuff my face, but I'm not going to starve myself.  I'm gonna eat right along with everybody.

I have my dress fitting on July 21st.  I will eat normally up until then.  If I feel like a cow while trying on my dress I will consider restricting my eating 2 weeks before the wedding and losing a couple of pounds.

But this is not sustainable.  I love working out too much.  And I like being able to enjoy food with everybody.  So much of life revolves around physical activity and food.

Anyway.  I am going to enjoy my vacation in 100 degree Virginia.  I will live in my bikini and like my strong thighs and body.

I refuse to starve.  I want to have fun.

Love u all.

Will write soon =)

Friday, July 2, 2010


Hi Lovies!
  I hope everything is well with each and every one of you.  I'm going to be traveling for the next week so I won't get a chance to blog.  

  Have a great Fourth of July & have tons of fun!!

  Oh and wear sunscreen =)

  ***Go America!***