A lot of people know about my ED. I make a point to get it out there. I feel that if it can happen to me, it may be happening to other people around me, and I could help them because I've been there.
When I visited my best friend in Virginia I told her about my 2 week bout with ED before I came to visit her and how I had been doing so well in recovery beforehand. And I told her how I just have to accept my body for how it is. She is the thinnest, blondest, tallest girl you have ever seen. She's 6'1" and 120 pounds. She's athletic, and she's never had an eating disorder in her life. I've always been envious of girls with "American/European" body types. And for so long my goal was to make my body look like that--by starving.
Apparently I'm smart enough to get a Bachelor's in Human Biology and a Master's in Epidemiology, but I have trouble realizing that my body and my bone structure won't ever change.
This has been the biggest obstacle in my recovery-- coming to terms with MY body type. Basically, accepting that my body will not ever look like the bodies of any of hollywood's petite starlets. I have hips that are wider. I have long limbs which make my torso looks shorter. I have a flat stomach and a butt that is here for life. And I will never have a gap between my legs (unless I'm starving myself).
I was telling my best friend all of the above and she said "it's so funny that you are so self conscious about your body, because you come off so confident about your looks!". And it's true, I am confident about my looks on the outside. I'm almost always confident about my face, but then I just kill my body with criticism.
I stand in front of the mirror, naked, inspecting my body. Was that dimple there 2 days ago? Is my stomach protruding? Do my legs look like tree trunks? Are my clavicles sticking out? Do I look thin? Worse, do I look FAT??
What I've been trying to do recently is stare in the mirror and pick out the things I love about my body. And then look at my body as a whole and realize that I am lucky to have what I have.
I did this tonight.
THIS is my body type. This is the body that will get me through life. This is the body that I have toned through exercise and through non-starvation. This is a beautiful body. My body is beautiful.