Monday, July 19, 2010

Food is food is food

Today I ate a pop tart.

And it was grand!!

Ever since I got back on the recovery wagon I make sure that I'm never really hungry.  I carry fruit or some other form of food with me to make sure that I don't panic about what or when I'm going to eat.

Today I had breakfast around 9:00 am, then a snack of watermelon and wheat thins around 1:00 pm, and by 2:00 I was going to go to the gym.  I figured I didn't need a piece of fruit to take with me because I was going to go to the gym and I wasn't at all hungry. I'd just eat after the gym.  Well, I actually ended up leaving around 2:50 and I had to run some errands before the gym.

By the time I got to the gym it was 3:45 and I was full on STARVING!!  I started cursing myself for not grabbing a low-calorie snack of some kind to eat before the gym.  And I actually turned my car around to go home to grab something that I deemed "healthy/low cal/non-guilt".  But something in me, I'm gonna call it my ED-Rambo, did a swift roundhouse kick to my brain and knocked the non-sense out of me.

I was going to drive 15 minutes home and 15 minutes back to the gym just to grab a nectarine???  WTF, Yasi?!!

So, I decided to attempt to be normal--drive straight to the gym and get something out of the vending machine.

Now, there are a few questions:

1.  Why would you have a vending machine full of chips and cookies at the gym?  Why isn't there a healthier option?
2.  Would I dare eat one of those 'unhealthy' options?  Was I desperate enough?  Was I brave enough?

The answers are:

1.  Blame BP.  Because they deserve it.
2.  Yes, I dared to eat snack food out of a venting machine because food is food is FOOD.  It is fuel.  I wasn't going to let myself go hungry and pass out on the treadmill.  Yes, it's 400 calories and not very nutritionally dense, but I could easily burn it at the gym.

So, I opted for a cinnamon and brown sugar pop tart.  I sat at a little lounging table in my gym clothes and very excitedly ate my vending machine food.  It.was.THRILLING.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and dirty in front of everyone.  I was a BADASS.

However, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty afterwards.  I did.  I thought about that pop tart and the fact that I just willingly ate it.  But you know what?  What counts is that I DID eat it.  I took control of my body's cues and fed it fuel.  Because food is food is food.

I feel like I just ran a 5K under my usual time.  I feel like I accomplished something-- by eating a pop tart.

Ohhhh man, writing about recovery is hilarious (sometimes)!



  1. Oh that is my favorite kind of pop tart!!! Yes!!!!!

  2. I love this! YAY YASI!!! that is my favorite kind of poptart, but I have not had one in over 4 years because it is definitely one of my fear foods. You've inspired me to have one now! and I seriously laughed out loud for 1. blame BP, because they deserve it hahahaha

  3. Emmy, I can't remember the last time I had a poptart either (before today)! It is one of my fear foods as well so eating one willingly was a HUGE step for me.

  4. Have you tried Fiber One pop tarts? they're amazing. And they help lessen the "guilt" since they are a bit healthier (although still about as caloric) than generic pop tarts :)

    PS I love your blog!

  5. I LOVE the Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts!

    My gym that I went to in IL used to have a CAFE in it (no joke) that served pizza and hotdogs and stuff. Really? Talk about killing your workout.

    Hmmm, your post made me hungry. :)

  6. I never really understood that either why there is a vending machine of unhealthy snacks at the gym. It seems like an oxymoron I think its there to tease you.

  7. I know that to most people eating a pop tart must seem like a very mundane event. But as a recovering anorexic, I know that eating a pop tart is like slaying a dragon! It's a major major victory. And kudos to you for eating it. Even if it made you feel guilty, having the guts to eat it in the first place is a definite accomplishment. :)

  8. Yay!
    You are right -- writing about a pop tart...many people would be like, huh?

    But here, we all SO get this. (0:

    Love that you had a moment of sanity -- I definetely have done the "drive out of my way for MY food" thing. And got the T-shirt.

  9. Thanks for all of the positive comments!!!

    It DEFINITELY was an accomplishment for me & I'm sure many of you understand.



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