Monday, July 19, 2010
Food is food is food
Today I ate a pop tart.
And it was grand!!
Ever since I got back on the recovery wagon I make sure that I'm never really hungry. I carry fruit or some other form of food with me to make sure that I don't panic about what or when I'm going to eat.
Today I had breakfast around 9:00 am, then a snack of watermelon and wheat thins around 1:00 pm, and by 2:00 I was going to go to the gym. I figured I didn't need a piece of fruit to take with me because I was going to go to the gym and I wasn't at all hungry. I'd just eat after the gym. Well, I actually ended up leaving around 2:50 and I had to run some errands before the gym.
By the time I got to the gym it was 3:45 and I was full on STARVING!! I started cursing myself for not grabbing a low-calorie snack of some kind to eat before the gym. And I actually turned my car around to go home to grab something that I deemed "healthy/low cal/non-guilt". But something in me, I'm gonna call it my ED-Rambo, did a swift roundhouse kick to my brain and knocked the non-sense out of me.
I was going to drive 15 minutes home and 15 minutes back to the gym just to grab a nectarine??? WTF, Yasi?!!
So, I decided to attempt to be normal--drive straight to the gym and get something out of the vending machine.
Now, there are a few questions:
1. Why would you have a vending machine full of chips and cookies at the gym? Why isn't there a healthier option?
2. Would I dare eat one of those 'unhealthy' options? Was I desperate enough? Was I brave enough?
The answers are:
1. Blame BP. Because they deserve it.
2. Yes, I dared to eat snack food out of a venting machine because food is food is FOOD. It is fuel. I wasn't going to let myself go hungry and pass out on the treadmill. Yes, it's 400 calories and not very nutritionally dense, but I could easily burn it at the gym.
So, I opted for a cinnamon and brown sugar pop tart. I sat at a little lounging table in my gym clothes and very excitedly ate my vending machine food. It.was.THRILLING. I felt like I was doing something wrong and dirty in front of everyone. I was a BADASS.
However, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty afterwards. I did. I thought about that pop tart and the fact that I just willingly ate it. But you know what? What counts is that I DID eat it. I took control of my body's cues and fed it fuel. Because food is food is food.
I feel like I just ran a 5K under my usual time. I feel like I accomplished something-- by eating a pop tart.
Ohhhh man, writing about recovery is hilarious (sometimes)!