Saturday, July 31, 2010

A Bump in the road... How do I get over this?

I am not a hateful person.  I love love.  And I try really hard not to use the word hate, or think of hate.

So why do I act so hatefully toward my body?  Why do I curse it out?  Why is it that when I look at my body all I can think is:

"You are disgusting!"
"You are so round!"
"You are FAT!"
"You are a blob!"
"Look at your thighs!"
"Look at your stomach!"
"Look at your huge ass!"
"You are SO pudgy!"
"Your body is disgusting!"

... and many other hateful thoughts.

Ever since I started eating regularly again I feel the same hateful thoughts toward my body.  All the time.

Today I freaked out on J and told him all of my thoughts and cried and threw things.

He tried so hard to calm me down and tell me that I'm beautiful and that my body is perfect and healthy, and that I'm not fat at all.

But then I continued to freak out on him.  And I looked up at him and saw a look on his face I have never seen before.  He looked like an innocent 12 year old version of himself, faced with something more complicated than he could ever deal with.

This scares me more than I can describe.  I cannot overwhelm the man who is my Love, my Rock, with my sick and ridiculous eating disorder.

I can't let my mental disorder, my stupid absolutely fucked up eating disorder, infect my relationship.

I can't.

How do I stop hating my body?  How do I look at it and embrace that I have curves?

I don't know how women who are bigger do it.  How do they look at the roundness of their bodies and love it?

My body will change at different times in my life.  Maybe some day I will be pregnant.  Some day I will get old and my body may get saggy.

How can I love my body?


Hating it consumes me.  Hating is just expending useless energy.

I am not a hateful person.  Why do I hate on my body?

Please, I'm asking those of you who have gotten past this part of recovery... How do you learn to love your new bodies?



  1. Oh Yasi, it will get better. It has too. The more you convince yourself that you are beautiful, the more you will feel it. It will take time, it will take work, but you can do it! You are BEAUTIFUL!!!

  2. This is exactly why recovery is hard. You should love your body because your body loves you. You need it, in working order, healthy and strong. Try not to think of it as your *new* body. It is the same body, it's just healthier than it used to be. You have to constantly remind yourself this is for the best. It's not easy to watch your body change. You just have to be patient, and you have to stay strong. It will take time, maybe a lot of time. It is good you have someone in your life who loves you and can tell you how beautiful you are, even if you don't always believe it. The thing is, you have to try to believe it because it is true! I always remind myself that the body I have is the only body I will ever have. If I am horrible to it, if I hate it and don't take care of it, I won't get a second chance. Life is much too short to hate your body. Just remember, you deserve health and happiness. ED won't let you have either.

    Best of luck to you! It isn't easy, but it is worth it!

  3. "I don't know how women who are bigger do it. How do they look at the roundness of their bodies and love it?"

    Because all bodies are beautiful. A dress size does not dictate how one will feel about how they look. I am a size 18-20 and feel large some days - but this is the only body I get, so I choose to embrace it.

    Women were not meant to be so thin...we're meant to having padding so we can get pregnant and support a life inside us. We're meant to have something for our men to 'hold on to'. We're meant to have cushioning for our babies to snuggle up against and feel safe and warm. Society paints a very tainted picture from what nature has intended.

    No one is perfect. No one. Choose something you like about yourself and concentrate on those areas. For example: I like my hour glass figure and my boobs. LOL So I try to accentuate my curves whenever possible and wear v-neck shirts.

    You are a beautiful woman - both inside and out. Keep reminding yourself that the new healthier you will live longer, play harder and just be a better person. You can do this.


  4. I wish I could answer the question... I can't, but I think I know exactly how you feel and the situation between you and J sounds familiar to my.

    Another problem about hate toward your own body is, that it never really changes.
    No matter how high or low my weight is, I can't start loving my body. Sometimes I feel great and think I look good but suddenly it changes and I feel like sh**.

    You are right. This disorder causes hate. Hate toward your body, hate toward people we actually love and (in my case) hate toward people who are comfortable about their body and look so happy...enjoy their life...
    The last thing I mentioned is rather called "envy". I hate being an envious person. I would rather like to be a happy girl because that's what makes someone really beautiful.

    You look very happy on your pictures and yes, you ARE beautiful!


  5. How to start loving your body? Great question, one which if I had an easy answer for I'd be rich. For me it's ongoing, and it helps to:

    -stop reading/looking at popular media and surround myself by more positive, acceptance oriented media
    -get rid of clothing that doesn't fit
    - Check out this website
    -remind myself that the idea that thing=desirable is a social construct
    -remember that the WORST I ever felt about my body was in the depths of AN and generally the thinner I get, the more I obsess, and the more I hate


Please Leave Some Love & Inspiration!