I am not a hateful person. I love love. And I try really hard not to use the word hate, or think of hate.
So why do I act so hatefully toward my body? Why do I curse it out? Why is it that when I look at my body all I can think is:
"You are disgusting!"
"You are so round!"
"You are FAT!"
"You are a blob!"
"Look at your thighs!"
"Look at your stomach!"
"Look at your huge ass!"
"You are SO pudgy!"
"Your body is disgusting!"
... and many other hateful thoughts.
Ever since I started eating regularly again I feel the same hateful thoughts toward my body. All the time.
Today I freaked out on J and told him all of my thoughts and cried and threw things.
He tried so hard to calm me down and tell me that I'm beautiful and that my body is perfect and healthy, and that I'm not fat at all.
But then I continued to freak out on him. And I looked up at him and saw a look on his face I have never seen before. He looked like an innocent 12 year old version of himself, faced with something more complicated than he could ever deal with.
This scares me more than I can describe. I cannot overwhelm the man who is my Love, my Rock, with my sick and ridiculous eating disorder.
I can't let my mental disorder, my stupid absolutely fucked up eating disorder, infect my relationship.
How do I stop hating my body? How do I look at it and embrace that I have curves?
I don't know how women who are bigger do it. How do they look at the roundness of their bodies and love it?
My body will change at different times in my life. Maybe some day I will be pregnant. Some day I will get old and my body may get saggy.
How can I love my body?
Hating it consumes me. Hating is just expending useless energy.
I am not a hateful person. Why do I hate on my body?
Please, I'm asking those of you who have gotten past this part of recovery... How do you learn to love your new bodies?