However, as I wrote in the aforementioned post, I still have slip ups. The key, though, is to quickly counter these negative thoughts and to make myself feel better about my body and the way I look.
I have to be honest, there probably is not one time that I look in the mirror and think "wow, I am so thin-I look GREAT!". The reason for that is because I don't look very thin anymore. I look average. I am not fat, I am not chubby, but I'm not uber thin. And for so long being the thinnest I could possibly be was one of the top priorities in my life. Having an 'average' weight was absolutely not an option. Being 'healthy' looking was not good enough. I wanted to look extremely thin. I wanted to look a little malnourished, because to me, that was attractive. >WHAT?<
Yes, it's true. I thought that the thinner I looked, the better I looked. The less 'average-sized' I was, the more proud I was of myself and my drive to 'stay thin'. I even felt like a better and more accomplished person when I was very thin. "No, I don't want to eat lunch, I'm not hungry at all."--even when I was starving.
What's even more sad is that recently I have been peaking at pictures of myself throughout the last few years. I remember the exact body-image feelings that I held in almost every single one of those pictures. And in almost 80-90% of them I remember feeling utterly disgusted with my 'fat, chubby body'. I remember how I berated my body while getting dressed for every single event. I recall the excruciating hate that I single-handedly peppered myself with (daily, if not every time I caught my own reflection in a mirror). My getting dressed and feeling terrible about myself, and constant state of hunger, left me in a terrible mood almost all of the time. I tainted every single experience I ever had with horrible and ugly thoughts about my being.
I cannot describe to you how sorry I feel for my former self. I wish I could go back in time and shake myself and tell me that I am absolutely insane if I think that 107 pounds is fat. But, alas, it probably would not make a difference--as I hadn't yet learned all of the lessons I needed to learn to get to the place that I am now.
My point, though, with this post is to tell you that I still get those ugly thoughts in my head when I get dressed, or when I look in the mirror. But, now I have learned that I cannot trust my own initial reaction to the way that I look. If I thought that I looked disgusting and fat when I was obviously so thin, then, clearly, I have a warped way of viewing myself.
What I try my hardest to do now is to dress in clothes that make me feel good about myself. If I don't like how a pair of jeans is fitting, then I change into another pair that make me feel better (or I wear a dress or a skirt).
Then, if I still look in the mirror and get terrible "I'm so fat-- I need to lose 5 pounds NOW" thoughts, I remind myself that I thought those exact things even at my thinnest, and that losing weight will NOT make me feel better about myself. I remind myself that I look healthy and that's a great thing. I'm not hungry all of the time. I can enjoy food with everyone, without having to worry about calories and weight.
But, in order to get to this place, I had to do one thing: I had to learn to be OK with having an average weight. I'm sure I am still considered 'thin' for someone my size, but to me, I am just average now. My ultimate goal is to prioritize my life and my self-worth to revolve around my experiences and not the number of pounds that my body weighs. And if that means that I look not-as-thin, but can go out and have a good time with my friends and family and not constantly worry about food,weight, and how thin/fat I look in my jeans, then it's absolutely worth it to me.