Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I have a confession...

Disclaimer:  This post discusses weight and actual numbers.  If this is triggering for you, please do not proceed. =)

I bought a scale on Monday.

What brought on this act?  Well, I had a silent panic attack at the doctor's office.

I was stressed out even before I got to my appointment.  I knew I was going to be weighed, and I had no idea what the number would be.

You see, I have not owned a scale in five years.

At the height of my disordered eating/restricting, the only way I knew that I weighed was when I got weighed at the doctor's office-- which was a lot, as I was sick constantly.  My lowest weight that I can remember was 104 pounds. Within the last few years I had been around 108-109, and pretty comfortable with it.  Well, comfortable is a stretch.  I had to restrict to stay at that weight, and I never exercised because I didn't have the energy to.  I was also irritable most of the time; especially when the meal-times-at-which-I-had-deemed-okay-for-me-to-eat were thrown off.  I was Starvin' Marvin, a lot. =(

The past year I spent getting healthy.  I started exercising, and eating at each meal.  I increased my caloric intake, and have been fiercely battling my disordered eating thoughts.  And I've done pretty well, except for the whole part about accepting gaining a few pounds and still loving myself.  That part has been tough.

I knew I had gained about 5 pounds in the past year.  I knew this because I could tell in my clothes, and from weighing myself at the gym, every once in a while.  (I still didn't own a scale at home.)  I have been anywhere from 111-114 pounds.

But, I hadn't really been weighed at the doctor's office the whole year.  Fast forward to the nurse asking me to take my shoes off and step on the scale...

My heart was beating so fast I thought it just might jump out of my chest. 

And she said, "116.  Good.".

And all I could think of was,"OH MY FUCKING GOD.  I AM A BEAST.  I AM DISGUSTING.  I AM FAT.  HOW COULD I GAIN THAT MUCH WEIGHT?!  I actually thought that I've been looking pretty great.  I was obviously SO wrong. HOW COULD I HAVE GOTTEN SO FAT?!  This is all because I don't own a scale.  GOD DAMN IT!!"  

So I went to my local grocery store and bought a scale.  This action, coming from the girl who brags about her belief in not owning a scale.  I was so overwhelmed with my own confusion that the whole trip was like a blur.

I came home, set the scale up, promptly took my clothes off and weighed myself.  It read: 113.5.  What the hell.  That's been my usual weight in the past year or so.  

I felt relieved, but I was very confused.

So, my clothes weighed 2.5 pounds?  Or was the doctor's scale wrong?

I didn't know.

I then weighed myself on Tuesday morning:  113.

Tuesday night:  115.

Wednesday morning: 113.5.

What does this all mean?  It means that body weight fluctuates during the day.  It also means that different scales show different numbers.  Most importantly, since I had been feeling pretty good about my body lately, it probably means that I should trust in my body and trust that this is my set-point, and the point at which my body is happy.

The truth is, I like my body where it's at right now.  I look better in a bikini than I ever did when I was stick-skinny.  When I was uber thin my body looked disproportionate: a tiny upper body and a "squishy skinny-fat" lower body.  Now, I look fit and healthy (such a tricky word!!)

On Monday night, I told J about my buying a scale and all of the other things.  He thinks it's best to take it back, as he doesn't want me to regress and once more become dependent on a scale.  I agreed with him, yet I haven't taken the scale back.

I'm torn because a part of me wants to 'get used to' seeing weight numbers on a scale, and become comfortable with those numbers.  Yet another part of me wants to protect myself from a possible obsession with those numbers.

So, tell me....

Have you ever had anything like this happen?

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Return the scale, or keep it?


  1. I have been struggling with this for so long. I literally have owned probably between 8-10 scales. I used to buy one, toss it out, then retrieve it, and I broke it because I knew if I tossed it out then I was going to retrieve it. Then I go through this period of time where I tried to live without a scale and ended up getting a panic attack over whatever trigger there was at the time. Then I ended up going to store and buy a new scale!

    Right now, I do have a scale. Yes, I know, I know....but better honest than lying about owning one. I have not weighed myself in a very long time (probably a month). It is currently covered by all "bathroom" reading like magazines. In a really weird way, it is my security blanket. I know it's there and I don't feel as much need to go and weigh myself....

    But at the same time, I acknowlege it is NOT HEALTHY because it does affect my ED. It shows that I don't trust myself enough to just let go and be completely recovered. Stu wants me to throw it out for good, and I am afraid if I do then I will just go to store later and buy a new one. It is something I really need to work on.

    To answer your question, I can't really tell you if you should keep it or not. My first reaction is to tell you, get rid of it and focus on your journey on becoming/staying healthy!! But then again, it makes me a hyprocrite because I'm not ready to let mine, do what is right for you.

    Let it go when you are ready, seeing that you have not owned one in past 5 that shows me that you CAN LET it go and work through your disordered thinking. :) Thinking the best for you!!! <3

  2. You're right.
    Weight changes all the time! Don't get too caught up in it.
    I'm so glad that you are feeling happier and healthier than ever before. :) So a number shouldn't change that.
    I would personally ditch the scale. It's not necessary!
    <3 Haley

  3. Actually you clothing on you can add up to 2 lbs.

  4. Take it back....pretty please.
    Twice on Tuesday? It happens fast.
    In your heart you know you have to, Yasi.
    It's just a vicious thing.

    Glad you are mentally processing your hubbie.

  5. RETURN IT! :D

    I don't own a scale...the only time I weigh myself is at the gym (because I'm being healthy by being there, so it doesn't matter what my weight is), or when I'm at the doc.

    Personally, if I had a scale in my house and weighed myself daily, I'm fearful I would obsess over it. Not worth the risk, in my mind.

  6. Did you see my recent post? Your scale trip inspired me to go out and actually buy a scale. The better fitting clothes aren't doing it for me, I need a number!

    Im keeping my fingers cross that this doesn't backfire on me!

  7. So from the comment you left on my site I am assuming you returned it? ;) Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It is totally my experience too and it's nice to know I'm not alone! (And good for you for recognizing how beautiful healthy is!)


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