Disclaimer: This post discusses weight and actual numbers. If this is triggering for you, please do not proceed. =)
I bought a scale on Monday.
What brought on this act? Well, I had a silent panic attack at the doctor's office.
I was stressed out even before I got to my appointment. I knew I was going to be weighed, and I had no idea what the number would be.
You see, I have not owned a scale in five years.
At the height of my disordered eating/restricting, the only way I knew that I weighed was when I got weighed at the doctor's office-- which was a lot, as I was sick constantly. My lowest weight that I can remember was 104 pounds. Within the last few years I had been around 108-109, and pretty comfortable with it. Well, comfortable is a stretch. I had to restrict to stay at that weight, and I never exercised because I didn't have the energy to. I was also irritable most of the time; especially when the meal-times-at-which-I-had-deemed-okay-for-me-to-eat were thrown off. I was Starvin' Marvin, a lot. =(
The past year I spent getting healthy. I started exercising, and eating at each meal. I increased my caloric intake, and have been fiercely battling my disordered eating thoughts. And I've done pretty well, except for the whole part about accepting gaining a few pounds and still loving myself. That part has been tough.
I knew I had gained about 5 pounds in the past year. I knew this because I could tell in my clothes, and from weighing myself at the gym, every once in a while. (I still didn't own a scale at home.) I have been anywhere from 111-114 pounds.
But, I hadn't really been weighed at the doctor's office the whole year. Fast forward to the nurse asking me to take my shoes off and step on the scale...
My heart was beating so fast I thought it just might jump out of my chest.
And she said, "116. Good.".
And all I could think of was,"OH MY FUCKING GOD. I AM A BEAST. I AM DISGUSTING. I AM FAT. HOW COULD I GAIN THAT MUCH WEIGHT?! I actually thought that I've been looking pretty great. I was obviously SO wrong. HOW COULD I HAVE GOTTEN SO FAT?! This is all because I don't own a scale. GOD DAMN IT!!"
So I went to my local grocery store and bought a scale. This action, coming from the girl who brags about her belief in not owning a scale. I was so overwhelmed with my own confusion that the whole trip was like a blur.
I came home, set the scale up, promptly took my clothes off and weighed myself. It read: 113.5. What the hell. That's been my usual weight in the past year or so.
I felt relieved, but I was very confused.
So, my clothes weighed 2.5 pounds? Or was the doctor's scale wrong?
I didn't know.
I then weighed myself on Tuesday morning: 113.
Tuesday night: 115.
Wednesday morning: 113.5.
What does this all mean? It means that body weight fluctuates during the day. It also means that different scales show different numbers. Most importantly, since I had been feeling pretty good about my body lately, it probably means that I should trust in my body and trust that this is my set-point, and the point at which my body is happy.
The truth is, I like my body where it's at right now. I look better in a bikini than I ever did when I was stick-skinny. When I was uber thin my body looked disproportionate: a tiny upper body and a "squishy skinny-fat" lower body. Now, I look fit and healthy (such a tricky word!!)
On Monday night, I told J about my buying a scale and all of the other things. He thinks it's best to take it back, as he doesn't want me to regress and once more become dependent on a scale. I agreed with him, yet I haven't taken the scale back.
I'm torn because a part of me wants to 'get used to' seeing weight numbers on a scale, and become comfortable with those numbers. Yet another part of me wants to protect myself from a possible obsession with those numbers.
So, tell me....
Have you ever had anything like this happen?
What would you do if you were in my shoes? Return the scale, or keep it?