Yay!!! Cheers all around!
Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I would write this post. In fact, I've attempted to write this post three times today already--Each time, writing one sentence, and closing out the page.
So, here goes...
After 1 year and 2 months of working on overcoming my ED-thoughts, and intuitively eating (more recently) and exercising regularly, I believe that I have in fact gotten 'THERE'.
Where is there? THERE is the place where I eat based on hunger, where I enjoy foods that I'm craving, where I exercise when I want, where I look at my body and like how it looks. The reason that I was so hesitant to write this post was because I still have days when I feel 'fat', days when I'm down, days when I look at pictures of 'skinny' me and wish that I was thin again (because I looked soooo much better, right? WRONG!). But, I finally decided to write the post anyway, because most of the time I am happy with the way I feel and look. Most importantly, though, I am writing this post because I have finally gotten to a place where I'm not afraid of food. WHAT?!?!?!?!?
I am not kidding you when I say that I can't believe I actually wrote the above words. How can I not be afraid of food? How can I not fear the calories that are in everything? How can I not constantly be thinking about food (because if I'm not constantly analyzing my intake I will gain 1,000 pounds and DIE. Right? WRONG!)?
Well, somehow, through all my trials and tribulations, through all the ups and downs, through all the crying and skin-tugging, through all the stress of gaining 5 pounds of healthy muscle, I made it here. Let me tell you this: I have not restricted in months. I have eaten consistently without restricting my intake. And in the last couple of months, I have practically stopped counting calories. Sure, if a menu shows calorie counts, I'll browse over the numbers. But, now, it may or may not affect my choice-- I will still order what I'm craving. The brilliant part, however, is that I've somehow learned to keep eating until I'm hungry and to stop eating when I'm full.
So, basically, in my 26 years on this Earth, my eating habits have reverted back to childhood-- when everything was instinctive. Bravo! BRA-VO, Yasi!!
The most wonderful part, though, is the dissolution of the control I just had to have over my food intake. I used to literally freak out if I ran out of my usual 'safe foods'. If I didn't have the breakfast foods that I was comfortable with, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Same with lunch-- if we didn't have foods that I had deemed 'okay to eat', I just wouldn't eat. Now, somehow, miraculously, food has lost its power over me. Instead of planning my meals out way ahead of time, I now have the attitude of a 16-year old boy (again, much age-reverted improvement on my part ;) ). It's more: open the fridge, "What do we have to eat? I'm hungry!".
If I was British, this is where I would say: This is bloody brilliant!!
Getting here was NOT easy. It sucked. It sucked a big one. I had to gain weight. I gained about five pounds, and hated every one of them. My body shape changed completely. Instead of having a small top and a 'squishy' bottom, my body evened out. My skinny arms got bigger, and my legs toned up. I had to buy new pants because I went up a size. Even the shape of my face changed!
In the beginning, I had a lot of binges because I didn't know how to control myself. I didn't know if my body really wanted/needed something or if I was eating something for the sake of eating. And I'll say it again, gaining those five pounds SUCKED.
But, overtime I have learned to like my bigger, more firm, healthy body (most of the time!). I had to learn to like the way I looked, and somehow this improved my self-confidence. A funny fact is that when I was in the throes of my ED, I felt ugly if I wasn't wearing make-up. Like, HIDEOUS ugly. In the last few months, I've grown to appreciate the way I look, even bare-faced. I now only wear make-up when I feel like it, and wear much less of it. =)
On top of all that, a couple of months ago, I got a terrible haircut which prompted me to cut all my hair off. I really think that my hair was the last security blanket from my 'ED days'. With my long hair I kept comparing myself to the 'skinny me'. Like, gosh I was so pretty and skinny back then with my long hair. Well, my hair's still the same, so I technically *could* look that way again if I just lost a few pounds. Chopping my hair off made me look entirely different. With my hair way shorter (and cuter, I think!), I didn't look anything like the skinny/ED me. It really was a final push to separate myself from my ED-ways... almost like a reward.
With my new hair, I even started changing up the way I dressed to fit my healthier body. I was (am) inspired! And inspiration can only lead to great things.
Overall, I'm not sure how important a 'new look' is for other Recoveries, but it really helped me embrace the new 'healthier me'.
But back to the reason why I finally decided to write this post. To be honest, the reason that I decided to write it was because I wanted to show you guys that it is possible to get to a place where you're happy with what you're eating, and happy with how you're feeling and how you look. I feel like I sound like a self-help book, but recovery is possible! Full happiness is possible!
But, even as I write this, I know that I'm still going to struggle on and off. And you know what? That's OK, and it's very normal. :)
I love you all so much, and couldn't have gotten to this place without all of your help, your kind words, and your support. <3