Recognizing your Real Emotions

Hi Loves!  I hope you're having a splendid day.  It's quite ugly and dreary here in West Michigan.  The type of day that makes you want to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea, and just waste the day away.  It's also the type of day that I'm more prone to having ED encounters.  Especially if there is an underlying issue going on. 

All day I have been anxious.  Well, I've actually been very very anxious for the past month.  You see, I'm in the midst of intense job-hunting, and I'm waiting to hear back from a few employers.  One in particular has my stomach in knots.  It is for my dream job, and I've been waiting for the results since my interview at the end of August. 

So, what does that have to do with today?

Well, all day I have not been very hungry, but I keep going in the kitchen and looking in the fridge and pantry for things to munch on.  However, since we don't really keep junk food in the house, I haven't found anything 'snacky' to eat.  Plus, I'm not really craving anything in particular.  I tried to recognize my craving.  Was it for something crunchy?  I ate some popcorn.  Nope, not it.  Something sweet?  I sampled part of a chocolate Go Lean bar.  Nope, not that either. 

After my 5th time visiting the kitchen, I said fuck it (excuse my language) and put my shoes on to go get a pint of Moose Tracks ice cream to silence my food thoughts.  I just wanted to get on with my day.  But, I decided to check the mail first.  I walked out to our mailbox, and slowly turned the key.  No mail.  No mail means no rejection today from the jobs that I'm waiting on.  Or, it means that the mailman hasn't dropped off our mail yet.  Fuck.  The anxiety crept all over my body again.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't craving food.  I was desperately craving an answer for my application status with the jobs.  That is why I couldn't pin-point what kind of food I wanted to eat.  For another couple of minutes I contemplated going out to get the ice cream to calm myself down.  But then I thought about how I would feel after I downed the ice cream:  not good. 

But, my reasoning wasn't because I feared that I'd gain weight and I'd feel bad after eating a pint of sweets.  Quite the contrary.  Ever since I've moved to a great point in my recovery, if I want ice cream, I eat it.  (In fact, lately, I probably eat a pint of ice cream by myself once every week!) 

The reason that I knew I wouldn't feel good after eating the ice cream was because I wasn't actually craving icecream.  I didn't want ice cream.  I wanted a reply about my job status.  I would feel the same anxiety after eating Moose Tracks.  Actually, I would probably just be left thinking, "why did I just force myself to eat a pint of icecream when I didn't even want it?"

In the end, I didn't end up going out to buy Moose Tracks.  Instead, I realized that I had just experienced a new break-through and wanted to blog about it.  

Today, I connected with my Real Emotions.  I separated my emotional needs from my hunger needs/food cravings.  And this is HUGE, coming from someone who had Binge Eating Disorder, and who still sometimes battles with bouts of binge eating.  (Which, I must tell you, have been very very minimal in the past few months.  But, I will blog about this later.) 

So, tell me...

Have you had any breakthroughs recently?

Have you ever experienced anything similar to what I did today?

Lots of Love,

♡Yasi

Body "identifiers", and acceptance of the change

If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would allow myself to not be as thin as I could possibly be, I would have laughed and not believed you.  The mere thought of not being super skinny would leave me completely panicked. 

I was so absolutely obsessed with "thin" as my identifier, that I could not imagine myself happy in any other way.  At that time, my body defined who I was.  If I was not "Yasi, the short, skinny girl", then who was I?" 

Nobody.

(Or so I thought.)

I truly, and deeply, believed that I would not, and could not, be happy if I weighed anything over 109 pounds.  And if my weight climbed over that number, then I was damned, doomed, and done for!

This is why I did absolutely everything in my power to stay slim, and to stay under that number.  Unlike some girls who deal with ED's, mine did not involve exercise.  The reason for this is because I simply did not have the energy to complete my daily activities, let alone exercise.  And, I knew that when my activity increased my body would throw a complete shit-fit and I would lose control of my restriction.  If I did anything more than my normal routine, I would need more fuel (food), and that was a no-go.  So, my simple solution was to never be more active than I really needed to be.

What this meant was that as I lost weight (and did not exercise), I became super skinny up top, and skinny but squishy in my lower body.  My body had no definition.  I absolutely dreaded wearing bikinis, and really disliked my nude form.  I was not proud of my shape when it wasn't draped with clothing.  In clothes, I liked the fact that I looked thin-- my collar bones stuck out, my arms were waif-like.  Without clothes, I was just a squishy skinny person-- NOT that attractive.

After working on recovery for the past year and a half, my body has completely transformed.  I gained some definite weight (~10-12 pounds from my lowest weight, and ~5-7 pounds from the weight that I tried to maintain for the last couple of years before recovery).  I have also gained a lot of muscle, and some major definition and shape in my body.
Not only do I look very healthy, I am very healthy.  I am now much more active than I was-- I work out about 3x a week and I'm always up for walks, hikes, or other fun things. 

And, the reason that I can do all of these things is because I consistently feed and nourish my body.  My goal is not to be as thin as I could possibly be, it is to be fit and healthy.

In fact, I no longer identify with "thin".  But, I do identify with "athletic".  This is a huge stride for me.  Before recovery, I cringed at the word "athletic" as an identifier.  Because to me, it was almost a nicer way of saying "stocky" or "masculine", and I was terrified of being any of those things.  But, now, I don't mine describing myself as athletic, because that means that I can be as active as I want to be, and that is exciting!

This Friday, I even went on a 2.5 mile run at the gym, did strength training for a half hour, had lunch with my best friend, and an hour later went on a 2.7 mile hike with her.  A year and a half ago this would have been nearly impossible for me!

In addition, this year has been one of the first years that I've really felt comfortable with my body in a bikini.  My level of comfort has actually gone up since I first doned a bikini this Summer, so that'a a plus. :) 
And my comfort has nothing to do with looking thin in my bikini- because I don't.  I look athletic and fit.  I look like I eat normally and I work out.  And somehow, through all the positive self-talk, I've come to see 'athletic' and 'healthy' as positive descriptions.

I've actually never had as much fun during a Summer, as I have had this year.  And I attribute all of that to my recovery, and my life-style change.  Hoorah!!! :):)

♡Yasi

What it feels like to NOT want

Hi guys!
  First off, I want to tell you that something's been going on with my Blogger for weeks now-- I can't comment on anyone's posts.  :(  It's a bummer, but I am reading them!

  My post tonight was inspired by how I've been feeling lately.  In a nutshell, I feel... unrestricted.

  It's been almost a year and a half since I began this journey, and even though I have had set-backs, it's amazing how far I've come.  The Summer has always been an extremely stressful time for me.  BBQs, parties, and beach-getaways are basically protocol for every weekend.  To some people this sounds absolutely amazing.  To me, it's usually disastrous and leaves me full of anxiety for three months straight. 

  The reason for my anxiety is this... for over a decade my lovely and very thoughtful (not) eating disorder called the shots on when I got to have to fun, and when I didn't.  My oscillations in food intake and my body image dictated the things that I *let* myself do.  For example, maybe I was starving (from the non-stop restricting) on a random Thursday and it led to a huge binge.  After the episode, I would feel like such crap that I would basically sit and home all weekend trying to recover from the 'fatness' that resulted from my eating.

What if there was a party on Saturday that all my friends were going to?  Well, most of the time, I would miss the party.  Because it was more important to me to feel good about my body and my restriction, and feel 'confident and thin', than it was to enjoy the company of my friends.  In fact, if I felt fat, I felt almost 'unuitable' for other people-- as if, I was too disgusting to be around my friends.  If I somehow was convinced of going out, I would feel so terrible about myself the whole time that I completely expected to have another binge at the party.

Actually, even the parties and get-together that I felt 'good enough' to attend were messed up by my ED.  Through out my ED, I meticulously planned my intake around big events so that I was 'allowed' to eat like a normal person.  I would restrict myself the entire week so that when my friend's wedding (for example) came up, I could eat all the yummy foods.  The problem was, every time I got in these situations, I ended up gourding myself until I felt absolutely terrible.  So, my desire to be normal always ended up being very abnormal. 

I never knew how to enjoy food when I was out.  I just got so excited about all of the foods that I didn't allow myself to eat, and I had to have them all- right then and there.  Because I knew when I got home I wasn't allowed to eat any of those things.  And usually, after I returned from the parties, I would feel so awful about what I ate, that I binged for a few days afterwards (and restricted until the next time I was 'allowed' to really eat).

The funny thing is, looking back, I think that I spent more time in my head, thinking about what I could/should/would consume, than actually having fun and enjoying my time with my friends.

Sad.

But, I am happy to report, that things have changed.  It's weird, but completely right, at the same time.  It's weird because I can't remember ever enjoying my Summer weekends this much and not having my intake be the #1 thing on my mind.  It's so, so, right because this is how life should be, goddammit!!

Lately, I've been finding myself being extremely care-free with what I eat.  This, coming from the girl who always had a fit about which restaurants shw was comfortable enough to eat at; the same girl who didn't even TASTE peanut butter (fat fat fat fat) until she was 21 years old because she was afraid she'd love it and want to eat it all the time. 

However, since I threw all my 'eating rules' out the window, I literally have no restrictions.  When someone asks me where I'd like to eat, I don't freak out and try to pick a place with low-cal options.  Instead, I lean toward "whatever everyone else wants".  WHAT?!  Shut the front door!

I have never been a go-with-the-flow person when it comes to food.  I was always the picky one.  The one with the annoying eating habits that everyone else had to plan around.

Well, that person is no more!  And even more interestingly, I hardly ever binge at parties, or spend entire weekends thinking about food and my intake.  Now, I don't feel the pressure of foods choices because I allow myself to eat sensibly and fully at all times.  If I want chips with my sandwich, I eat them, but stop when  I'm full.  If I want dessert, I have some, but don't gourd myself on it.  This way, when the weekends come up, I'm not SO excited and obsessed with the food that I'm going to be 'allowed' to eat, because I'm always allowed to eat that food.

The point is, when we stop making food such a BIG DEAL, we take away its power.  This concept is almost child-like in it's simplicity.  When we stop making lists of foods that are off-limits or restricted, those foods aren't as appealing anymore.  (I even left some ice cream in the fridge for a week because I forgot about it.  This would have been nearly impossible a year ago because the icecream would haunt me and tempt me until I ate the last bit of it.)

Somehow, through this year and a half of ups-and-downs, I've learned to not be controlled by food. 

And it should be no big surprise that I now enjoy every one of my weekends having fun and not worrying about what I'm going to consume.  And even better?  I've grown closer to my friends, and my fun factor has hugely increased. ;)

Lots of Love, and I hope you have a fabulous weekend!

♡Yasi

Weight loss blogs and eating disorders

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I came of age during a time when the internet was just beginning to get popular.  In middle and high school, I still had to do my school research in a real library (imagine that!).  Even though I have been active in social networking sites for quite a few years, I didn't know what personal blogging was until a couple of years ago, let alone see the point of it.

As you can see in my story here, I have a lot of experience with yo-yo dieting, restriction, and large amounts of weight loss.  What really brought this post about was that I happened to come across a genre of blogs dedicated to weight loss and dieting.  The authors of these blogs usually list their stats directly on the front page of their sites (height, weight, % fat, current weight, goal weight, weight loss, weight loss per week/month/year, etc...).  Their blogs focus on what they are eating, the diets that they are on, how much they are exercising, and how they can't wait until they reach their weight loss goals.  These sites are also riddled with 'thinspiration' images and pictures of the author's own weight loss. 

While I 'get' the fact that these blogs may help some people shed a few pounds, in terms of a weight-loss support community, I also find myself having very intense and negative feelings toward them.  Because of my story, and because of my experience with weight loss and dieting leading to eating disorders, I am extremely weary of the slippery slope that websites like these present.

Many of these blogs discuss 'being bad' and 'being good' with regards to food.

As in...

"My friends bought me a birthday cake for my birthday, and I didn't have ONE bite.  I was so good!  It was difficult, but I am so proud of myself!"

or chastising posts like...

"I was SO bad this weekend.  I went to a party and ate so many BAD foods.  I totally broke my diet.  I'm so mad at myself.  Why can't I just control myself around food?"

(Just to clarify... the above examples of posts are fictional.  But, they are thoughts that I have previously written in my own journals, and they are very similar, thematically, to what I have found on many weight-loss blogs.)

Having gone through similar scenarios, I know that once you start categorizing food as 'good' or 'bad', you're in trouble.  Food is fuel.  Calories and fats are gas for your engine.  It makes me so sad to see that these beautiful people are breaking down their happiness into how much weight they did or didn't lose.  It devastates me to see they view their lives as somewhat incomplete until they get to that 'goal weight'.

But, the reason that I'm so bothered is that I could have been one of them.

I feel so lucky that I didn't have the access to blogs when I was going through the height of my weight loss or yo-yo dieting.  All I had to 'vent' in were my own personal journals-- a place where I could keep my crazy thoughts safe and sound.  A place where no one but me could "comment" on what I had written. 

Nobody else but me could instantly 'congratulate' me on my weight loss, or give me tips on how to lose weight.

If I had been a blogger at the height of my eating disorder, I would have inevitably had a thinspiration or weight loss blog.  I would have felt pressure and competition with other weight loss bloggers, and I'm positive that my eating disorder would have been incredibly more detrimental that it was.

I want so badly to tell every one of these bloggers that diets DON'T work.  Most people find that it is tremendously difficult to stay on a restrictive diet, and there are usually three outcomes: maintained weight loss (if your body is naturally happy with the lower weight), weight gain greater or equal to what was lost, or, in the worst case, continous disordered eating for the rest of one's life.

I'm certainly not one to want to discourage people from getting healthy.  I just want to save them from the inevitable crash that is to come if they strive to keep their weight at a place that is not comfortable for their body.  I want to save them from years of disordered thinking.  I want to tell them to eat intuitively, let their weight land where it may, and accept their bodies   I want to tell them that they are beautiful, and that they should throw out the scale.

And I've tried.  I've done all of the above.  But, most of the time it doesn't make a difference. 

Because they haven't learned all the lessons.
They havent gone through the experiences.
They haven't been disillusioned by the diet and weight-loss world.

Because they still believe that once they get to that goal weight they can start living.

And nothing that I say will change their beliefs, just as nothing that anyone told me in the throes of my ED changed mine.


How do you feel about weight loss/thinspiration blogs? 
(I didn't get into pro-ana blogs because that is a long post in and of itself!)

Do you think that it's possible for weight loss blogs to lead to eating disorders?

♡Yasi

How I came to be able to eat the left-overs (and the road to intuitive eating)

My left-over Blimpie from last night. 

Ugly, but yummy!

I used to say that I hated to eat left-overs, particularly for lunch.  I would say it with conviction, and I would back it up with reasons ranging from "I hate old food" to "I'm just not that hungry at lunch time".

But it was a lie.  The truth is, I was terrified of eating left-overs.  Eating left-overs (along with eating any 'real' food) for lunch and not knowing the calorie count in what I was eating was a non-option.  It was some weird complex of my disordered eating ways.  I figured, if I knew the exact amount of calories that I consumed for breakfast and lunch, and controlled them and kept them low enough, then I could relax a little on counting calories for dinner.  Therefore, in some twisted way, eating left-overs for dinner was peachy keen; but for lunch?  NO WAY.

What I did allow myself  to eat did not even begin to resemble a real lunch.  In my mind, I could eat anything as long as I was sure of the exact calorie count. That 'magical count' was 300 calories.  This left me eating delicious and fun (completely kidding) things like: 1 orange (100 cal) and 1 Nature Valley bar (180 cal), or 1/2 cup of sunflower seeds (160 cal) and 1 apple (100 cal).  My brain had actually become a Calorie Count Encyclopedia of some sorts, and I knew the exact number of calories in many foods, right off the top of my head. 

The problem, though, was that I didn't know the calorie counts of any 'real' foods.  Like, the number of calories in a pasta dish/rice dish/other food that I made.  So, I decided to make things easier for myself by completely avoiding foods that I didn't not know the calories of.  This made for the least interesting (and healthy) lunches on the planet.  They were boring, not very yummy, and repetitious.  But, somehow over the years I had convinced myself that I actually enjoyed these lunches and that I hated to eat real lunch food.

Recently, though, I have progressed to eating left-overs for lunch-- and I cannot tell you how exciting this is for me.  It's as if my body says to me, enthusiastically :  You mean we can eat the sandwich that was left over from dinner last night?!!!  PARTY CITY!!!! (Ooh Ooh!)

Even though I am beyond the moon about this new development in my inuitive eating, I do want to take a moment and point out that getting to this place did not happen over night.  The path that worked for me actually started over a year ago--by forcing myself to eat a home-made sandwich for lunch every single day (with a yogurt, and carrots).  Boring, yes, but it was a good stepping stone as I could still count the calories that were in the simple sandwich and accompanying snacks.

In the Summer and Fall, my 'real lunch' eating habits waned, and I had a few disordered eating set-backs.  Over the Winter months, I somehow, miraculously, got very tired of all of my ED habits.  I was completely  exhausted from the constant fighting in my own head, and I decided to give intuitive eating a chance.  What could I lose?

I began to eat when I was hungry, and stop when I was full.  Simple, right?  Yes, and no.  While the concept was very simple and worked very well at times, my body was so used to being controlled with numbers and what I should or shouldn't eat at a given time, that my intuition couldn't always be trusted.  Sometimes I binged and felt awful afterwards.  Sometimes I restricted.  But, the beauty of it was that I wanted so badly to eat intuitively, that when I did 'fall off the wagon' I picked myself right back up.  I learned to forgive myself for slipping.  I learned to take every little scrape and bruise as a lesson.  My body and mind learned together that when I stuff myself full of chocolate and pizza it makes my stomach hurt and it feels awful.  I also learned that when I restricted I was hungry and unhappy.

Now, months after starting to eat intuitively, I can say that it is much easier.  I have began to trust my intuition.  And, remarkably, I can now enjoy the left-overs for lunch. :)

Sidenote:  I really wanted to end my post with the above, but knowing that some of you may have questions about weight, I decided to add this in.  My number one reason for not trying intuitive eating sooner was because I was afraid that if I gave myself the option to eat anything I wanted, I would frantically gain weight.  Well, I have some great news, eating intuitively did not make me gain any weight.  I weigh about the same now than I did before.  The only thing that has changed is that I now trust my body and its needs, and as I posted here, I even feel more attractive and at peace with myself.

Please feel free to send me any questions here on my blog, or @ triumphant.yas@gmail.com.

I would absolutely love to help any of you along in this journey in any way that I can.

=)

When food loses its power

Yay!!!  Cheers all around!

Ladies and gentlemen, I never thought I would write this post.  In fact, I've attempted to write this post three times today already--Each time, writing one sentence, and closing out the page.

So, here goes...

After 1 year and 2 months of working on overcoming my ED-thoughts, and intuitively eating (more recently) and exercising regularly, I believe that I have in fact gotten 'THERE'.
Where is there?  THERE is the place where I eat based on hunger, where I enjoy foods that I'm craving, where I exercise when I want, where I look at my body and like how it looks.  The reason that I was so hesitant to write this post was because I still have days when I feel 'fat', days when I'm down, days when I look at pictures of 'skinny' me and wish that I was thin again (because I looked soooo much better, right?  WRONG!).  But, I finally decided to write the post anyway, because most of the time I am happy with the way I feel and look.  Most importantly, though, I am writing this post because I have finally gotten to a place where I'm not afraid of food.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I am not kidding you when I say that I can't believe I actually wrote the above words.  How can I not be afraid of food?  How can I not fear the calories that are in everything?  How can I not constantly be thinking about food (because if I'm not constantly analyzing my intake I will gain 1,000 pounds and DIE.  Right?  WRONG!)?

Well, somehow, through all my trials and tribulations, through all the ups and downs, through all the crying and skin-tugging, through all the stress of gaining 5 pounds of healthy muscle, I made it here.  Let me tell you this:  I have not restricted in months.  I have eaten consistently without restricting my intake.  And in the last couple of months, I have practically stopped counting calories.  Sure, if a menu shows calorie counts, I'll browse over the numbers.  But, now, it may or may not affect my choice-- I will still order what I'm craving.  The brilliant part, however, is that I've somehow learned to keep eating until I'm hungry and to stop eating when I'm full.

So, basically, in my 26 years on this Earth, my eating habits have reverted back to childhood-- when everything was instinctive.  Bravo!  BRA-VO, Yasi!!  


The most wonderful part, though, is the dissolution of the control I just had to have over my food intake.  I used to literally freak out if I ran out of my usual 'safe foods'.  If I didn't have the breakfast foods that I was comfortable with, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  Same with lunch-- if we didn't have foods that I had deemed 'okay to eat', I just wouldn't eat.  Now, somehow, miraculously, food has lost its power over me.  Instead of planning my meals out way ahead of time, I now have the attitude of a 16-year old boy (again, much age-reverted improvement on my part ;) ).  It's more: open the fridge, "What do we have to eat?  I'm hungry!".


If I was British, this is where I would say: This is bloody brilliant!!


Getting here was NOT easy.  It sucked.  It sucked a big one.  I had to gain weight.  I gained about five pounds, and hated every one of them.  My body shape changed completely.  Instead of having a small top and a 'squishy' bottom, my body evened out.  My skinny arms got bigger, and my legs toned up.  I had to buy new pants because I went up a size.  Even the shape of my face changed!

In the beginning, I had a lot of binges because I didn't know how to control myself.  I didn't know if my body really wanted/needed something or if I was eating something for the sake of eating.  And I'll say it again, gaining those five pounds SUCKED.

But, overtime I have learned to like my bigger, more firm, healthy body (most of the time!).  I had to learn to like the way I looked, and somehow this improved my self-confidence.  A funny fact is that when I was in the throes of my ED, I felt ugly if I wasn't wearing make-up.  Like, HIDEOUS ugly.  In the last few months, I've grown to appreciate the way I look, even bare-faced.  I now only wear make-up when I feel like it, and wear much less of it. =)

On top of all that, a couple of months ago, I got a terrible haircut which prompted me to cut all my hair off.  I really think that my hair was the last security blanket from my 'ED days'.  With my long hair I kept comparing myself to the 'skinny me'.  Like, gosh I was so pretty and skinny back then with my long hair.  Well, my hair's still the same, so I technically *could* look that way again if I just lost a few pounds.  Chopping my hair off made me look entirely different.  With my hair way shorter (and cuter, I think!), I didn't look anything like the skinny/ED me.  It really was a final push to separate myself from my ED-ways... almost like a reward.
With my new hair, I even started changing up the way I dressed to fit my healthier body.  I was (am) inspired!  And inspiration can only lead to great things.
Overall, I'm not sure how important a 'new look' is for other Recoveries, but it really helped me embrace the new 'healthier me'.

But back to the reason why I finally decided to write this post.  To be honest, the reason that I decided to write it was because I wanted to show you guys that it is possible to get to a place where you're happy with what you're eating, and happy with how you're feeling and how you look.  I feel like I sound like a self-help book, but recovery is possible!  Full happiness is possible!  

But, even as I write this, I know that I'm still going to struggle on and off.  And you know what?  That's OK, and it's very normal. :)


I love you all so much, and couldn't have gotten to this place without all of your help, your kind words, and your support. <3

~Yasi

Positive Changes



I started this journey to becoming healthy in January of last year.  A year and a few months later, I'm at a much better place.  Of course, I have bad days.  But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is so much better.  Here are all the great things about being in a healthier place:

1.  I get to EAT!  I am able to eat yummy foods multiple times a day because that's normal and healthy.

2.  I can eat a variety of things without feelings terrible.

3.  I binge much less frequently since I'm not restricting myself.

4.  Food is GOOD!

5.  I have gotten to buy new clothes, especially pants.  Who doesn't love shopping?!

6.  My changing body has forced me to change the way I dress, and that's a good thing.  Variety is the spice of life.

7.  I lived through a bad haircut incident, which forced me to cut my long hair (that acted as my ED security blanket).  I now love my short hair, so much, that I got another haircut yesterday. =)

8.  My entire body has changed from working out.  I look healthy and STRONG.

9.  My legs, butt, and stomach are obvious, but they have wonderful definition.

10. I can be as active as I want, and I can use food to refuel.  I no longer sit around not doing things because I have no energy.

11. I can go out on hikes, run around, and do fun things with J and other people because I'm not afraid of what the food schedule will be.  I know that when I'm hungry, I can eat whatever is available.  And I'm actually OK with it.  Whoa!

12. I'm not afraid of bingeing while travelling, and of always worrying about food on my trips.  My normal eating lets me have a great time, and eat intuitively when I'm *hungry*.  Gasp!

13. And finally, I can enjoy food AND life-- at the same time!

=)


So, tell me, what are the great things about recovery for you?

Sickness and its role in increasing ED behaviors

This was me on Saturday:

Dance Party!!

This is me today:

Pity Party!! 

If you guessed that I'm sick, you would be correct.  The good news is that I don't get sick a lot (anymore).  However, up until a about a year ago (when I began my healthy eating/exercising regimen) I used to get sick all the time.  I would always catch whatever cold, flu, or what have you, that was going around.

This is a little embarrassing to confess, but, I actually enjoyed being sick.  I would even get a little giddy (secretly, of course) when I felt a cold coming on.  It meant that I had an excuse to not eat much, and it was technically O.K. with others because, well, I was sick, right?

It didn't matter that being sick also meant that I was exhausted and couldn't go out and do fun things.  All that mattered was that now that I might actually not have an appetite during the illness, I could eat as little as possible, and come out of it a little thinner.  When everyone was saying "Aww, it sucks that you're sick", I was thinking 'What sucks about not having an appetite and losing weight?!'.

The wonderful thing is that I no longer get excited about being sick.  When I woke up this morning coughing with a congested chest, I thought 'Ohhh man, I can't be sick!  I need to hurry up and get better so that I can go skiing next weekend!  I don't want to lay around the house doing nothing!'.

Now that is the healthy reaction to an illness.  Because in all (healthy) reality, who actually likes being sick?!  It's sick to enjoy being sick.

So, today instead of trying to eat as little as possible, I grabbed my blanket, some orange juice (which I never used to drink because I didn't want the liquid calories), and ate some deliciously thick bean and noodle stew that I made.  

And I promise you, I cannot wait to feel better!

So, tell me....

What is your initial reaction to a sickness?

What's your best remedy for getting over a cold?

<3

  

Pre-wedding parties, food, and how I'm handling it all

Hi everyone!
  I haven't posted about anything ED/Food related in a bit, but here goes.

I have been severely, SEVERELY, challenged by ED this past week or so.  But I think I've managed to come out pretty OK.  My mom came to Michigan and has been staying with me since one week ago.  We have been spending every waking second together-- 'nuff said.  I love my mom, but I reeeeally also like my alone time.  And I've gotten, like, zero alone time the past week.  So, that's been stressful.  The only alone time I've gotten is when I've gone to the gym a few times.

On top of that, my mom has eating and body issues.  However, she completely acts like she doesn't.  The woman barely eat ANYTHING.  It's so frustrating trying to recover from an eating disorder when your mother brags about her size 2 pants to you and takes four bites of a salad and says "OH MY GOSH, I'm soooo full!! I ate SO MUCH!".  When I'm around my mom and her eating behaviors I get very agitated and it makes me want.to.restrict.so.badly.because.obviously.i'm.a.fatass.if.my.pant.size.is.the.same.as.my.mother's.

Oiii vey!

On top of that, she's constantly telling me to eat.  Eat eat EAT!  Which just confuses and annoys the hell out of me.  It's like "how dare you tell me to eat when you eat barely anything!".

Anywho, with all of the wedding activities that have been going on, I knew that I was going to be challenged with many many many ED thoughts these last couple of weeks before the wedding.  There are so many parties and get-togethers and food to eat and dresses to fit into!

I have been scared out of my freaking mind that I will somehow gain weight and not fit into my skin-tight shower dress or my wedding dress.  Well, my wedding shower was today, and I fit into my dress just fine, so WHEW!

To top it all off, I've been doing wedding stuff non-stop and it's that time of the month, which makes me  hungry all the time.  And I've been eating some sort of dessert every single night.  Whether it's a bit of chocolate or a chocolate chip cookie, or something else that is delicious and bad for my assets.

So basically, I've been deathly afraid of gaining weight for the wedding because I'm in so many food-consumption situations that are out of my normal routine.

I don't really know how I'm dealing with it.  I'm dealing with it well I guess because I haven't restricted.  I've gone to the gym three times this week and my body feels tight and firm.  I just feel guilty when I eat because my head is constantly yelling at me "What the fuck are you doing?!?!  You have your fucking wedding in one weekend and you can't keep your damn hands off the feeding fork?  What kind of a bride are you?!!  You need to LOSE weight you loser, not eat".

I guess my only coping mechanism has been that I've been so busy that I don't have time to sit around and feel super guilty about what I ate.  And to eat when I'm hungry and stop eating when I'm full.

But anyway, my 1st bridal shower was today and it was absolutely beautiful!!  It was about 20 of us ladies and we had so much fun.  I got my hair done (yay!), the place was amazing, the food was fantastic, the guests were great, and I got lots of presents for our kitchen!  Oh yeah, and I fit in my dress- Thank God!  So, there is hope for my wedding dress!!!

Here are some pix:

J's aunt gave me a cute apron to put on!

Let it Pass...

Getting over an ED is challenging.  It's a mind fuck.

I can feel absolutely fine and happy with my body one day, and the next I feel like a big fat blob.  It's abnormal- I realize this.

But it's all in my head.

On Saturday I went out for my bachelorette party and I felt beautiful.  My body felt good and firm and attractive.

I ate out for almost every meal on Saturday and Sunday.  I hadn't binged, but I hadn't kept track of my calories and I didn't have the chance to work out.  I hadn't had 100% control over what I had consumed.

On Sunday night I looked in the mirror and felt like a big Fatty McFatPants.  I felt like I gained 5 pounds.  I hated how my body looked.  It was depressing.

Situations like this come up almost bi-weekly.  And it sucks a big one.  So, what do I do?  How do I tackle this problem?

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to tell myself that it's all in my head and that it will pass.

It.will.pass.

And it always does.  It has to, because it's in my head.  Sometimes it's even so extreme to where I feel like I have a complete fugly and fat body at night, and when I wake up in the morning I feel slender and am happy with my body.

So, it has to be in my head.  My body is not gaining or losing visible amounts of weight in 12 hours.  It's not physically possible.

On another note, I have completely stopped weighing myself since the little ED flare up a few weeks back.  I figure that as long as I eat well and exercise, my weight will not really change.  My clothes all fit the same, so that's all I care about.

But anyway, the point of this post is that I have realized, furthermore, that most of the crazy is in my head and not in reality.

 =)

Food is food is food

Today I ate a pop tart.

And it was grand!!

Ever since I got back on the recovery wagon I make sure that I'm never really hungry.  I carry fruit or some other form of food with me to make sure that I don't panic about what or when I'm going to eat.

Today I had breakfast around 9:00 am, then a snack of watermelon and wheat thins around 1:00 pm, and by 2:00 I was going to go to the gym.  I figured I didn't need a piece of fruit to take with me because I was going to go to the gym and I wasn't at all hungry. I'd just eat after the gym.  Well, I actually ended up leaving around 2:50 and I had to run some errands before the gym.

By the time I got to the gym it was 3:45 and I was full on STARVING!!  I started cursing myself for not grabbing a low-calorie snack of some kind to eat before the gym.  And I actually turned my car around to go home to grab something that I deemed "healthy/low cal/non-guilt".  But something in me, I'm gonna call it my ED-Rambo, did a swift roundhouse kick to my brain and knocked the non-sense out of me.

I was going to drive 15 minutes home and 15 minutes back to the gym just to grab a nectarine???  WTF, Yasi?!!

So, I decided to attempt to be normal--drive straight to the gym and get something out of the vending machine.

Now, there are a few questions:

1.  Why would you have a vending machine full of chips and cookies at the gym?  Why isn't there a healthier option?
2.  Would I dare eat one of those 'unhealthy' options?  Was I desperate enough?  Was I brave enough?

The answers are:

1.  Blame BP.  Because they deserve it.
2.  Yes, I dared to eat snack food out of a venting machine because food is food is FOOD.  It is fuel.  I wasn't going to let myself go hungry and pass out on the treadmill.  Yes, it's 400 calories and not very nutritionally dense, but I could easily burn it at the gym.

So, I opted for a cinnamon and brown sugar pop tart.  I sat at a little lounging table in my gym clothes and very excitedly ate my vending machine food.  It.was.THRILLING.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and dirty in front of everyone.  I was a BADASS.

However, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel guilty afterwards.  I did.  I thought about that pop tart and the fact that I just willingly ate it.  But you know what?  What counts is that I DID eat it.  I took control of my body's cues and fed it fuel.  Because food is food is food.

I feel like I just ran a 5K under my usual time.  I feel like I accomplished something-- by eating a pop tart.

Ohhhh man, writing about recovery is hilarious (sometimes)!

=)

5 Pounds of Love

Hello my Loves!
  How have you been?  I haven't written in a little bit and I missed you all.

If you've kept up on my posts you would know that I had a really rough few weeks with my eating disorder flaring up.  But then I somehow miraculously came to my senses when I realized that restricting my eating and being obsessed with losing a couple of pounds was making me down right MISERABLE.

In short, I was a bitch.  I was constantly hungry, annoyed, and short with people and the only thing that made me happy was getting on the scale and seeing my weight drop from 113 to 111 to 109.  I was completely preoccupied with making the number drop and doing everything to make sure that it at least stayed at 109.  And I know this is random, but my nails were constantly chipping.  Which meant that I wasn't get the right nutrition.  When I was eating correctly, my nails were beautiful and strong and NEVER chipped!

I went to Chicago for the 4th of July with J and I spent the entire time figuring out ways to consume the least amount of calories possible while still having fun (I really DID have fun though, so that's good!).  We went to the Taste of Chicago which is this little fest where you can buy tickets and get tastes of all kinds of different foods from a variety of restaurants in Chicago.  And I ate as little as I could while still trying to be normal and 'taste' things.  Mehhh.

And you know what sucks?  Coming home drunk and knowing that eating something would make you feel SO much better b/c you don't feel good, and sitting there agonizing over of the number of calories in a Nature Valley bar.  Because OBVIOUSLY eating that would ruin you.  Obviously.

We came back from Chicago on Monday and guess what I did that night?  Semi-Binged.  I had freaking starved myself for 2 weeks and I was hungry.  I was supposed to leave for Virginia to visit my best friend on Wednesday and on Tuesday I came this this realization.  I realized that I didn't want to spend my entire vacation in Virginia worrying about what I was eating or counting calories.  And thank God I came to that conclusion when I did.  Because it helped me have a hell of a great time with my best friend!!
We went to the gym or did some sort of physical activity every day.  And then we would lay out or go to the beach.  I also ate completely normally and it was GREAT.  I had a freaking blast!!

I have gained back the weight I lost in the two weeks I spent miserable.  But I'm ok with it.

Boy, have I come a long way since a 7 months a go.  5 pounds heavier, but much happier.  And you know what, I think I wear these 5 pounds well.  These are 5 pounds of muscle, 5 pounds of good times, 5 pounds of NOT starving, 5 pounds of not being a bitch, 5 pounds of not freaking out about what I'm going to be eating, 5 pounds of having meals with my fiance and not skipping out because "I'm not hungry".  These are 5 pounds of Love.

I have my 2nd wedding dress fitting this upcoming Thursday and my bachelorette party is next Saturday.  I am SO excited.  People in my life love me for me, not for how thin I am.  I love me for me, not how bony my arms look.

I was walking out of work today and it was one of those days where I didn't have a lot of time to get ready and I felt like my outfit was a little off.  As I was walking a man said to me "Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that you are a very beautiful woman."  Verbatim, that's what he said.  I was so shocked and happy that I just looked at him and said "Thank you SO much!".  What a wonderful person he was. More people should give each other compliments.  I try to as much as I can.  I should try harder.

Little things like that go a LONG way.  I definitely spent the rest of my day feeling wonderful.

=)

So, tell me, what's new with you all?

I missed u!

I have one thing to say...

FUCK U Ed.  Fuck you and your treacherous ways.


I went to Chicago this wknd and really watched what I ate.  I came home yesterday and was starving so I ate a bunch of stuff including chocolate.  I went on the scale today and was at 112.  Apparently I gained 3 pounds while watching what I ate attentively.

I crumbled on the inside.  Then I went on the treadmill and realized how strong my legs had gotten from working out.

Ed, I will literally kick your ass.  I will physically beat you up.  You weak little piece of shit.


Fuck you.

I'm going to Virginia to visit my best friend tomorrow and I'll be damned if I restrict myself.  I had all of these plans of how I was going to forgo food and bla bla.  Eff that.  I'm going to enjoy my vacation.  Read:  I'm not going to stuff my face, but I'm not going to starve myself.  I'm gonna eat right along with everybody.

I have my dress fitting on July 21st.  I will eat normally up until then.  If I feel like a cow while trying on my dress I will consider restricting my eating 2 weeks before the wedding and losing a couple of pounds.

But this is not sustainable.  I love working out too much.  And I like being able to enjoy food with everybody.  So much of life revolves around physical activity and food.

Anyway.  I am going to enjoy my vacation in 100 degree Virginia.  I will live in my bikini and like my strong thighs and body.

I refuse to starve.  I want to have fun.

Love u all.

Will write soon =)

Thank you =)

Thank you everyone for your kind comments about my last post.  I was feeling so intensely overwhelmed. I cried for 3 hours straight!!!  And then I took a nap and woke up and felt better.

J and I resolved our issue that day, and my mom called me later in the night and our conversation was normal to good.

As for the body issues, they are still there.  I really do think I that want to slim down a couple of pounds for the wedding because I just don't feel like I look like myself.  I'm not starving myself at all.  I'm just going to continue going to the gym and I'm going to watch my portion sizes.

It's just that if there's one day that you want to look and feel your best it's your wedding day.  And if being a couple of pounds thinner will make me feel better then I think that's ok.

I realize that this looks like a slippery slope.  But I really need to do this for my own sanity in the next two months.  J knows that I'm doing it and we're discussing it and he's watching me.

I kind of feel like I'm letting you guys down a bit.  But as I said before, this is going to be the most captured day of my life and I just want to feel like myself.

The good news is that during this transformation I have learned how to eat really well and have learned to eat nutritious food (instead of keeping myself functioning with carbs!).

Again, thank you for all of your kind words.  They mean the world to me.

Sadness

This post is going to be very scattered and I apologize in advance.

Do you ever have those days where you're just sad?  And no matter what you do you can't get out of your funk?

Today is one of those days.  I am overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and sadness.  There are so many things changing in my life and sometimes I don't know how they are happening so fast.

In 2 months I am getting married, moving in with J, moving to another city, finishing up my thesis, and possibly looking for a job.

I am moving away from the city I've lived in for the last 15 years.  I'm moving away from familiar faces and places.

I'm lonely.  

I ate chocolate chip cookies and ice cream last night.  And I felt as if I was going to bust out of my jean shorts.  

I browsed other peoples wedding pictures.  They all looked so skinny and perfect in their dresses.  

I looked at my pictures from when I was skinny.  I look so happy.

I am not happy now.  I don't like the way my body looks.  I don't feel like myself.  I feel like I am stuck in somebody else's body.  I don't recognize my girth or the way my clothes fit.

I need to lose 5 pounds.  I just can't do this right now with the wedding right around the corner.  I am so stressed out.  I can't try to recover when I hate how I look.  I don't want to hate how I look on my wedding day.

I just over plucked my eyebrows and I'm freaking out a little bit.  I was just trying to get them to look equal.  I hope they grow back in by the wedding.  My face looks bare and ugly.

There are too many things going on and I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.  They won't stop.  As if there is an endless well of tears somewhere deep in my body.  It's as if my body is trying to get rid of my sadness by letting the well run dry.  But I don't think it will.

God, I have issues.

I have no family here.  And almost all my friends have moved away in the past year or 2.  

It's just my cats and me.  And when they see me they just see a walking bag of cat food and a litter scooper.

Guuuuh.

I'm sorry.

But this blog is about being honest.  And this is honesty.

The Beach

  The above picture was taken at my friend's cottage this past Saturday.  Wanna know what my first thought was?  "This is a good picture, but OMG do I have back-fat rolls?!?!?!? WTF. zoom zoom zoom. IS THAT A ROLL?"

  So now that we have established my level of crazy, let me tell you that this was a great travel weekend for me ED-wise, even though the above story doesn't make it seem like it was.  This was the first weekend we went up to the cottage after my ED-recovery and lifestyle change that I started this past January (It's been 6 months!  WOW!!).  

  Before the lifestyle change my eating during the week consisted of restricting, and my eating during the weekend consisted of gorging myself like a big fat pig.  Well, it makes sense because that's what happens when you're starving half the week!!  So when cottage weekends came up, I would restrict even more obsessively during the week and then I would stuff myself like a Christmas Turkey when we were at the cottage.  I would eat completely non-stop, no matter if I was full or not.  

  And when you really think about it, this makes absolutely no sense!  Because when I'm at the cottage I'm in a bikini 1/2 of the time, so why would I be stuffing myself when I'm exposed to the whole world? I have NO idea!!  But I do know that I would skinny-fy myself for the cottage, and then when I got there I just couldn't take it anymore and I'd eat anything in sight.

  Well guess what?  This past weekend was the first time in a really long time that I didn't do that!!!!  I ate more than I would eat on a normal weekend, because cottage weekends revolve around the cooking skills and grilling-wars of The Guys, and we eat what they make.  And they make A LOT of food.  But even though I ate all the meals that were provided, I stopped eating when I was full.  In addition, we usually go to a little store and pick up alcohol and other things we forgot to bring to the cabin.  This trip usually consists of me ransacking the store for s'mores fixings or some other huge bag of chocolate.  But I didn't do that this weekend!!!  I picked up an ice cream bar b/c I was 'preparing' myself for my crazy late-night cottage chocolate cravings, but then I realized that I don't need to 'stock up' just to fill my needless craving later, so I PUT IT BACK.  I didn't want ice cream at that moment, and well, tough luck for me if I started wanting it later.

  So all in all, a great trip.  We got some sun, and I didn't feel absolutely disgusting in my bikini.  I know I look bigger than some other trips to the cabin, but I look more fit now.  More fab than skinny flab.  

  =)

**Questions for you:

When you travel, do you eat out of control?

Do you restrict your eating before taking a big trip?  Especially one that involves bikinis/swimwear?

Recovering/hungry hungry hippo/outfit pic

I have been recovering from the massive amount of food that I consumed over the weekend.  I love going to the gym because it firms up my body and makes me feel so much better about myself.  Which is great because Sunday night and all of Monday I felt like a whale.  A big.fat.beached.whale.  Ready to crawl into my own fatness and die.  Just kidding.  A tad dramatic today, eh?

So getting over the weekend eat-a-thon has been going ok.  However, I have been hungry like NO OTHER.  Like, I could consume 2,000 calories without even blinking because I'm just hungry for it.  But I don't think my body needs it, especially after the calories consumed last weekend.  So I've been trying to keep my hunger at bay with fruits and veggies.  I think my stomach expanded LOL.  No, I'm not kidding.  Totally serious.  This actually happens.

You know that game that we played when we were kids, Hungry Hungry Hippo?  Well that's my theme song this week, apparently!  I've really had to try extremely hard to keep my intake at what I think is the 1,200-1,400 calorie level.

Anywho, I'm going to the gym today, and a few more times this week because in less than 2 weeks we are going to our friends' cottage.  And I wanna look firm in my bikinis!!!

My body has completely changed.  I am now fuller everywhere, but much firmer in my thigh/butt area, and that is great.

But I'm positive I won't be the skinniest girl up at the cottage (I was before).  And I guess that's ok because at least I pretty much like my body.  I just need to not binge when I'm up there.  It's always a huge food-fest and I feel like a complete cow afterwards.

In other news, here's the outfit I wore today.  It's very girly and cutesy.  And if you knew me, this outfit would pretty much define me, haha.  I had to throw on the white cami underneath to make it work-appropriate.  The flats are new:  grey jellies with grey fabric bows on them (I love me some bows!)  And, oh yes, I'm wearing the pearls that J got me from China.   Yay!

Garfield & Me

  Garfield and I have a lot in common- when it comes to food.  Certain foods are magnets for us and we have to consume them if they are in sight.  

  Last night I had dinner at a friends' house.  And afterwards we devoured somewhere between 5-10 cookies each.  She is my favorite college roommate and I miss her terribly.  She was anorexic.  She knows about my demons. She is now (mostly) recovered.  I say mostly because once you're anorexic, you never fully bounce back.  

  After my cookie binge I picked up J and a couple of his friends from a friend's house and suggested that we go out for late night eats.  Being guys, they thought it was an awesome idea and agreed.  So we went and had fries and coney dogs.  It was disgusting and made me feel awful.  So I'm chalking yesterday up as a binge because I ate like complete crap and ate with determination.  I was determined to get the most 'bad' out of my day food-wise, since I'd already consumed a massive amount of cookies.

  However, my binges have lessened by A LOT.  And the other thing is, now that I'm working out consistently, I don't wake up feeling COMPLETELY bad the next morning.  I mean, yeah, I feel gross.  But my stomach is still tight from working out and my legs feel firm.  Point being, I can now recover faster from a binge routine.  Before I worked out, I would feel so disgusting and flabby after a binge that I would just binge for days.  Now I can stop after a day and get my eating back to normal because my body doesn't feel blabby after a binge.  The muscle and tone stops me from bingeing for multiple days.  And the fact that I don't feel completely unattractive helps get me back to my normal healthy eating routine.

  And the other thing is my face.  I am one of those people that gains weight in their face.  When I gain it shows up immediately in my cheeks and I get face pudge. Now that I'm eating normally and working out, I rarely ever get face pudge.  Even when I binge for a day or two.  This is a great accomplishment in my book.

  Tonight is the finale of LOST and we are having Taco Night.  We do this every few months and it's always fun and delicious.  We decided on Taco Night before I binged (yesterday), so I thought that the tacos would be my bad food for the weekend.  But you know what?  Eff that.  I'm going to eat my tacos.  And it will be fine and I will enjoy the hell out of them.

  Okay that's all.  Have a good Sunday :)

The significance of 113.

Hi everyone!  I hope that everyone is having a pretty good week.  We are 2 days away from the weekend, which is always a good thing.

This post may or may not get long as I will attempt to explain my obsession with weight numbers.

I weighed myself for the first time after a month.  And I weighed the same as I had a month ago: 113.

113.  This is the number that I have had in my head the past few months.  113 is the number I must not go over.  Because in my head once I go above 113 there is no stopping the weight gain.

Now you must remember that the first eating disorder I developed was Binge Eating Disorder.  What I can remember is that I was a happy, healthy, skinny teenager and I weighed 113 pounds....and then I was a fat, unhealthy, and depressed teenager at 142 pounds.

So you can probably see why 113 is a holy number to me.  It is the last weight I remember being healthy and happy at.  When I was 13 years old, my weight was 113 pounds.  113 meant nothing to me.  It was just how much I weighed.  So, what?

Once my eating disorders developed I was obsessed with the damn number on the scale.  In my anorexic/restricting phases I would weigh myself 3-5 times a day.  I.kid.you.NOT.

I could gain and lose up to 10 pounds a week by bingeing or restricting.  I was chained to the scale.  I NEEDED to know what my weight was at all times.

A little while before my 21st birthday I moved out of my parents house.  In my new apartment I did not have a scale and my obsession with the weighing was somewhat broken.

About a year after being on my own I restricted very heavily.  I was ~106-107 pounds for 2 years.  For the last 2 years I had been around 108-109.  Slooooowwwwly creeping up.  But I was OK because it was under 110, which was less than my teenage 'happy' weight.
My goal for the past few years had been to keep under 110 because maybe I wasn't as thin as I should've been even at my 'teenage happy weight'.

Well guess what folks, with this whole healing process since January, I basically had to kiss 110 goodbye.  I haven't been 110 pounds for over 4 months.  Am I ok with it?  Yes and no.
No, because obviously I HATE, yes hate, the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than what I have weighed in the past 4-5 years.  No, because what if my weight keeps going up?  No, because I'm not rail thin anymore.  No, because 108 had become my supposed 'happy weight number', and now I'm 5 pounds over that.
BUT Yes, because I am eating.  I eat all 3 meals with healthy snacks in between.  I'm not starving myself.  I eat really healthy food and I binge much less frequently.  I enjoy grocery shopping and eating much more because I'm trying to not constantly worry about calories, but more about nutrition and fuel.  I feel healthier.

And then there is this dilemma that I have had.  I know I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But where the hell did the weight go?

When I look at myself, I pretty much like how my body looks.  I look pretty fit.  I don't look fat.  I don't look super skinny, but I think other people would say that I am 'thin'.

5 pounds ago I had more insecure thoughts about my body than I do now.  WHY?  why?why?

I don't understand.  I saw more flaws with my body when I was thinner than I do now.  I don't get it.

Maybe it's because I'm more toned now.  Or maybe it's because I've accepted the fact that I should start taking in a size 0 and a 2 pant in with me into the fitting room, because the 0s may not fit me.

But what I don't get is that when I was 108  and bingeing and restricting, and I gained 1 or 2 pounds I felt it immediately.  I felt it in my clothes, I felt it everywhere.  Now I weigh 5 pounds more than that and I still fit in my clothes.  They're more snug, but most of them fit.  I really don't think I look that different than when I was skinnier.  But five pounds is a LOT!!  I'm confused.

So why the eff was I so hard on myself when I weighed less?  And why/how am I less hard on myself now?  Maybe my self therapy is working and it was all in my head.

But the question really and truly is:  Where the fuck did weight go?  How can I still fit in my (skinny) clothes?

I mean I'm not complaining.  But it just makes me sad that I was so hard on myself when I weighed less than I do now.

So, 113.  That's what I've been for a while.  I'm almost 26 years old and I weigh the same as when I was 13 years old.  I guess that's something to be 'proud of'.  But somehow my disordered mind still taunts me with 'but you were able to get down to 107 for almost 4 years!  What is WRONG with you?  DO IT AGAIN!'

But I don't think I can.  Well, I can.  I don't think I will.

I'm ok.  I'll be ok.

This change needed to happen.  I really wish I didn't have to gain weight.  But at least I still look alright.

This is good.  This needed to happen.  I'm alright.

Here are some pictures from 3 years ago, and now.  I tried to find pictures that were similar in angle.   Even *I* realize now that I was too thin 3 years ago:

2007

2010

Yup, this turned into a long post.

:)

Graduation, wedding stuff, and how I dealt with eating issues

  After a week and a half hiatus, I'm back!  This is going to be long post, but that's because I have so much to write about! Above is a picture from graduation (I'm on the left).  I just had to post a picture because yes, we bedazzled our hats.  I am 25 years old and I spelled out 2010 with rhinestones on my Master's degree cap... SO COOL!!  Haha. =D

  The past 2 weeks were a blur and passed so quickly.  My mom came in last week on Tuesday and we had a ton of wedding stuff to take care of.  My dad came in on Thursday, and then there was graduation on Friday.  To say that we did a lot would a massive understatement.  I feel like the entire week was spent driving from one place to another to get things done for the wedding.  I had my 2nd hair trial and my hair turned out FABULOUSLY!!  I had my first wedding dress fitting and that went really well (I'm turning my dress from an a-line to a mermaid).  Best of all, my mom and dad were there for the whole thing, so it was really cool.  Also, we went to try on the dress after my hair appointment and this time everything from the shoes to the dress style to the hair to the jewelry matched! (My 1st hair trial hairstyle did not match my dress at all and I was worried) 

  My dad also got fitted for his tux and we checked out the church and the reception place-- they loved it.  And my mom and I did LOTS of shopping.  I think if there was a record for how long 2 people could shop we would break it.  We were literally out for 2 or 3 days from morning until the mall closed, shopping.  It's our favorite activity to do together and WE.ARE.GOOD.  I'm not kidding.  We find amazing clothes for great prices, and we have similar taste.  Anywho, along with a ton of other clothes she bought me (Thanks Mom!), I bought 2 dresses for the showers and parties that will be coming up.  One of the dresses is this uber chic and sexy royal blue dress.  I am not kidding when I tell you that this dress is KILLER.  I can't describe it, so here is a pic of it:  (Disclaimer, the reason that I chop my head of in pix is b/c I'm a little paranoid about pix of me out in the internets since this is a public site.  And yes, I know my profile pic is still there.  Haha =P)

Isn't this dress freaking AH-MAZING?!  P.S.  NOT the shoes I will be wearing with the dress.

    Graduation was great (but boooring), and on Saturday my parents took us all (parents, me + J, their best friends & their kids, and J's parents and brother) out to eat at a great restaurant.  The place was packed because of all of the proms and graduations-- I had to make the reservation 2 months ago!  Dinner was filled with great conversation and delicious food.  Oh and I got a massive amount of presents- yeah, no biggie.  Just kidding!  I was really surprised and it was AWESOME!

    

    So let me tell you about the food issues I encountered over the week of graduation.  I knew that the week was going to be filled with a lot of food, a lot of going out to eat, and a lot of dessert.  When Persians celebrate, we eat.  A LOT.  And we always have cake or sweets, as if the huge dish of food you ate would not get digested unless there was a slice of cake on top of it.  Going into the week I had promised myself that I wouldn't give in to the temptations of eating what other people were eating and eating desserts every night, because I had been eating so 'clean' the past few weeks.  It took about 1 day to realize that resistance was futile.  So I ate right along with everybody.  I went out to chinese, I had Persian food that my mom's best friend had cooked, I had sushi, I had more Persian food, I had steak, I had cake, and biscotti, and more cake, and chocolate covered pretzels, and much more I'm sure.  Point being, I ate what was offered if I was hungry, BUT I didn't binge.  I never went to bed feeling like crap. And *gasp*, I ate like a normal person.  I gotta tell ya, it was freaking liberating.  But I can't lie, every time I thought about what I was eating I felt food guilt, but I let it pass.  And I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to gain 5 pounds overnight and that weeks like this aren't how I eat all the time, so I'm ok to be doing so for a week.

    And now, a week after it's all over I have gotten back into my own eating groove again.  But I'm not being as strict as I was being before.  I was so scared that I would look chubby-faced in my graduation pictures that I had cut out all sweets and snacks for the most part.  But in the past week I've had sweets a couple of times.  I had a biscotti when I was starving at the mall on Wednesday and I had Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream last night.  But maybe I needed to flush my system of the sugar addiction when I did.  Because right now, I don't crave sweets and crappy food all the time, and it's most likely because I cut myself off for a few weeks.  Oh and just to let you know, I didn't look chubby faced in my graduation pix =)  My face looked a bit 'healthier' than the last time I had grad pix (3 years ago), but then again, I am 3 years older, and I'm not supposed to look the same my whole life.  And that's another big thing for me: I always look at older pictures of myself and compare me-now to me-then.  This is honestly the WORST thing to do.  Because 3 years ago I was 106 pounds, and I was barely ever eating normally.  So, duh, I'm gonna look different.  I have to realize that it's ok to look different.  My body and face are going to change a lot in my lifetime and I'm going to have to be ok with that.  I'm going to have to embrace the changes.

  

    On another note, I haven't been to the gym in about a week and a half!  Which is the longest I've gone without going to the gym since, like, January.  Hopefully today I will be going back!

    

    Well I hope you enjoyed my super long post.  So tell me, what interesting/new things developed with you while I was gone?