Monday, September 19, 2011

Recognizing your Real Emotions

Hi Loves!  I hope you're having a splendid day.  It's quite ugly and dreary here in West Michigan.  The type of day that makes you want to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea, and just waste the day away.  It's also the type of day that I'm more prone to having ED encounters.  Especially if there is an underlying issue going on. 
All day I have been anxious.  Well, I've actually been very very anxious for the past month.  You see, I'm in the midst of intense job-hunting, and I'm waiting to hear back from a few employers.  One in particular has my stomach in knots.  It is for my dream job, and I've been waiting for the results since my interview at the end of August. 

So, what does that have to do with today?

Well, all day I have not been very hungry, but I keep going in the kitchen and looking in the fridge and pantry for things to munch on.  However, since we don't really keep junk food in the house, I haven't found anything 'snacky' to eat.  Plus, I'm not really craving anything in particular.  I tried to recognize my craving.  Was it for something crunchy?  I ate some popcorn.  Nope, not it.  Something sweet?  I sampled part of a chocolate Go Lean bar.  Nope, not that either. 

After my 5th time visiting the kitchen, I said fuck it (excuse my language) and put my shoes on to go get a pint of Moose Tracks ice cream to silence my food thoughts.  I just wanted to get on with my day.  But, I decided to check the mail first.  I walked out to our mailbox, and slowly turned the key.  No mail.  No mail means no rejection today from the jobs that I'm waiting on.  Or, it means that the mailman hasn't dropped off our mail yet.  Fuck.  The anxiety crept all over my body again.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't craving food.  I was desperately craving an answer for my application status with the jobs.  That is why I couldn't pin-point what kind of food I wanted to eat.  For another couple of minutes I contemplated going out to get the ice cream to calm myself down.  But then I thought about how I would feel after I downed the ice cream:  not good. 

But, my reasoning wasn't because I feared that I'd gain weight and I'd feel bad after eating a pint of sweets.  Quite the contrary.  Ever since I've moved to a great point in my recovery, if I want ice cream, I eat it.  (In fact, lately, I probably eat a pint of ice cream by myself once every week!) 
The reason that I knew I wouldn't feel good after eating the ice cream was because I wasn't actually craving icecream.  I didn't want ice cream.  I wanted a reply about my job status.  I would feel the same anxiety after eating Moose Tracks.  Actually, I would probably just be left thinking, "why did I just force myself to eat a pint of icecream when I didn't even want it?"

In the end, I didn't end up going out to buy Moose Tracks.  Instead, I realized that I had just experienced a new break-through and wanted to blog about it.  

Today, I connected with my Real Emotions.  I separated my emotional needs from my hunger needs/food cravings.  And this is HUGE, coming from someone who had Binge Eating Disorder, and who still sometimes battles with bouts of binge eating.  (Which, I must tell you, have been very very minimal in the past few months.  But, I will blog about this later.) 

So, tell me...
Have you had any breakthroughs recently?
Have you ever experienced anything similar to what I did today?

Lots of Love,


  1. I must confess, at points in my recovery, I would eat that way "just because I could" but that came out of years of restriction but also from a fuck you attitude to my eating disorder.
    I am really proud of you for following the thought process and the feelings, as opposed to just eating them away.
    You are doing a wonderful thing.
    And you should be so proud of all your courage <3

  2. That is a huge accomplishment. I am still working on connecting my feelings to my physical symptoms. On some days, it is really easy for me to figure out why I am experiencing this feeling while on some other days, it is a struggle because I have no idea why I am feeling that way.

    Who knows that feelings can be so....complicated! :)

    I had a breakthrough on recent Saturday. I ate my hamburger...all of it, including fry fries. Stu's family was really surprised (probably their first time seeing me eating that much in our whole nearly 7 years of being together). Guess what? I didn't balloon up. I did not have a new cellulite taking its place on my thigh. Nothing traumatic happened. :)

    I have been feeling very anxious about job search too. It is really hard because who wants to hire a deaf person (to be honest)? But I am stubborn. I know I will find sometihng sooner or later so that way I can go back to school.

    Good luck will hear back from that job!

    Just want to add that I absolutely love your blogs. ;)


  3. This is a stunning blog!!!

    I will be back.

    I write, as well. Just published a short story re: binge eating disorder:



Please Leave Some Love & Inspiration!