This post may or may not get long as I will attempt to explain my obsession with weight numbers.
I weighed myself for the first time after a month. And I weighed the same as I had a month ago: 113.
113. This is the number that I have had in my head the past few months. 113 is the number I must not go over. Because in my head once I go above 113 there is no stopping the weight gain.
Now you must remember that the first eating disorder I developed was Binge Eating Disorder. What I can remember is that I was a happy, healthy, skinny teenager and I weighed 113 pounds....and then I was a fat, unhealthy, and depressed teenager at 142 pounds.
So you can probably see why 113 is a holy number to me. It is the last weight I remember being healthy and happy at. When I was 13 years old, my weight was 113 pounds. 113 meant nothing to me. It was just how much I weighed. So, what?
Once my eating disorders developed I was obsessed with the damn number on the scale. In my anorexic/restricting phases I would weigh myself 3-5 times a day. I.kid.you.NOT.
I could gain and lose up to 10 pounds a week by bingeing or restricting. I was chained to the scale. I NEEDED to know what my weight was at all times.
A little while before my 21st birthday I moved out of my parents house. In my new apartment I did not have a scale and my obsession with the weighing was somewhat broken.
About a year after being on my own I restricted very heavily. I was ~106-107 pounds for 2 years. For the last 2 years I had been around 108-109. Slooooowwwwly creeping up. But I was OK because it was under 110, which was less than my teenage 'happy' weight.
My goal for the past few years had been to keep under 110 because maybe I wasn't as thin as I should've been even at my 'teenage happy weight'.
Well guess what folks, with this whole healing process since January, I basically had to kiss 110 goodbye. I haven't been 110 pounds for over 4 months. Am I ok with it? Yes and no.
No, because obviously I HATE, yes hate, the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than what I have weighed in the past 4-5 years. No, because what if my weight keeps going up? No, because I'm not rail thin anymore. No, because 108 had become my supposed 'happy weight number', and now I'm 5 pounds over that.
BUT Yes, because I am eating. I eat all 3 meals with healthy snacks in between. I'm not starving myself. I eat really healthy food and I binge much less frequently. I enjoy grocery shopping and eating much more because I'm trying to not constantly worry about calories, but more about nutrition and fuel. I feel healthier.
And then there is this dilemma that I have had. I know I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds. But where the hell did the weight go?
When I look at myself, I pretty much like how my body looks. I look pretty fit. I don't look fat. I don't look super skinny, but I think other people would say that I am 'thin'.
5 pounds ago I had more insecure thoughts about my body than I do now. WHY? why?why?
I don't understand. I saw more flaws with my body when I was thinner than I do now. I don't get it.
Maybe it's because I'm more toned now. Or maybe it's because I've accepted the fact that I should start taking in a size 0 and a 2 pant in with me into the fitting room, because the 0s may not fit me.
But what I don't get is that when I was 108 and bingeing and restricting, and I gained 1 or 2 pounds I felt it immediately. I felt it in my clothes, I felt it everywhere. Now I weigh 5 pounds more than that and I still fit in my clothes. They're more snug, but most of them fit. I really don't think I look that different than when I was skinnier. But five pounds is a LOT!! I'm confused.
So why the eff was I so hard on myself when I weighed less? And why/how am I less hard on myself now? Maybe my self therapy is working and it was all in my head.
But the question really and truly is: Where the fuck did weight go? How can I still fit in my (skinny) clothes?
I mean I'm not complaining. But it just makes me sad that I was so hard on myself when I weighed less than I do now.
So, 113. That's what I've been for a while. I'm almost 26 years old and I weigh the same as when I was 13 years old. I guess that's something to be 'proud of'. But somehow my disordered mind still taunts me with 'but you were able to get down to 107 for almost 4 years! What is WRONG with you? DO IT AGAIN!'
But I don't think I can. Well, I can. I don't think I will.
I'm ok. I'll be ok.
This change needed to happen. I really wish I didn't have to gain weight. But at least I still look alright.
This is good. This needed to happen. I'm alright.
Here are some pictures from 3 years ago, and now. I tried to find pictures that were similar in angle. Even *I* realize now that I was too thin 3 years ago:
Yup, this turned into a long post.