Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The significance of 113.

Hi everyone!  I hope that everyone is having a pretty good week.  We are 2 days away from the weekend, which is always a good thing.

This post may or may not get long as I will attempt to explain my obsession with weight numbers.

I weighed myself for the first time after a month.  And I weighed the same as I had a month ago: 113.

113.  This is the number that I have had in my head the past few months.  113 is the number I must not go over.  Because in my head once I go above 113 there is no stopping the weight gain.

Now you must remember that the first eating disorder I developed was Binge Eating Disorder.  What I can remember is that I was a happy, healthy, skinny teenager and I weighed 113 pounds....and then I was a fat, unhealthy, and depressed teenager at 142 pounds.

So you can probably see why 113 is a holy number to me.  It is the last weight I remember being healthy and happy at.  When I was 13 years old, my weight was 113 pounds.  113 meant nothing to me.  It was just how much I weighed.  So, what?

Once my eating disorders developed I was obsessed with the damn number on the scale.  In my anorexic/restricting phases I would weigh myself 3-5 times a day.

I could gain and lose up to 10 pounds a week by bingeing or restricting.  I was chained to the scale.  I NEEDED to know what my weight was at all times.

A little while before my 21st birthday I moved out of my parents house.  In my new apartment I did not have a scale and my obsession with the weighing was somewhat broken.

About a year after being on my own I restricted very heavily.  I was ~106-107 pounds for 2 years.  For the last 2 years I had been around 108-109.  Slooooowwwwly creeping up.  But I was OK because it was under 110, which was less than my teenage 'happy' weight.
My goal for the past few years had been to keep under 110 because maybe I wasn't as thin as I should've been even at my 'teenage happy weight'.

Well guess what folks, with this whole healing process since January, I basically had to kiss 110 goodbye.  I haven't been 110 pounds for over 4 months.  Am I ok with it?  Yes and no.
No, because obviously I HATE, yes hate, the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than what I have weighed in the past 4-5 years.  No, because what if my weight keeps going up?  No, because I'm not rail thin anymore.  No, because 108 had become my supposed 'happy weight number', and now I'm 5 pounds over that.
BUT Yes, because I am eating.  I eat all 3 meals with healthy snacks in between.  I'm not starving myself.  I eat really healthy food and I binge much less frequently.  I enjoy grocery shopping and eating much more because I'm trying to not constantly worry about calories, but more about nutrition and fuel.  I feel healthier.

And then there is this dilemma that I have had.  I know I have gained somewhere between 3-5 pounds.  But where the hell did the weight go?

When I look at myself, I pretty much like how my body looks.  I look pretty fit.  I don't look fat.  I don't look super skinny, but I think other people would say that I am 'thin'.

5 pounds ago I had more insecure thoughts about my body than I do now.  WHY?  why?why?

I don't understand.  I saw more flaws with my body when I was thinner than I do now.  I don't get it.

Maybe it's because I'm more toned now.  Or maybe it's because I've accepted the fact that I should start taking in a size 0 and a 2 pant in with me into the fitting room, because the 0s may not fit me.

But what I don't get is that when I was 108  and bingeing and restricting, and I gained 1 or 2 pounds I felt it immediately.  I felt it in my clothes, I felt it everywhere.  Now I weigh 5 pounds more than that and I still fit in my clothes.  They're more snug, but most of them fit.  I really don't think I look that different than when I was skinnier.  But five pounds is a LOT!!  I'm confused.

So why the eff was I so hard on myself when I weighed less?  And why/how am I less hard on myself now?  Maybe my self therapy is working and it was all in my head.

But the question really and truly is:  Where the fuck did weight go?  How can I still fit in my (skinny) clothes?

I mean I'm not complaining.  But it just makes me sad that I was so hard on myself when I weighed less than I do now.

So, 113.  That's what I've been for a while.  I'm almost 26 years old and I weigh the same as when I was 13 years old.  I guess that's something to be 'proud of'.  But somehow my disordered mind still taunts me with 'but you were able to get down to 107 for almost 4 years!  What is WRONG with you?  DO IT AGAIN!'

But I don't think I can.  Well, I can.  I don't think I will.

I'm ok.  I'll be ok.

This change needed to happen.  I really wish I didn't have to gain weight.  But at least I still look alright.

This is good.  This needed to happen.  I'm alright.

Here are some pictures from 3 years ago, and now.  I tried to find pictures that were similar in angle.   Even *I* realize now that I was too thin 3 years ago:



Yup, this turned into a long post.



  1. You are one hot Mama now. ;D Honestly, you looked a little sick before, and you should be proud of how gorgeous you are! Good for you!!!

    I wonder if all of us have a "holy number." Mine is 125. I've been over than number, and well below that number. I'm currently at 123. Three years ago, I had a really stressful summer and dropped down to 109 (from pretty much my weight now). Although I felt a little sickly, I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset to gain all that back once I got healthy. To be fair, 123 is a "healthy" weight for me...but I'd love to be about 115.

    Weird how much power a number has, isn't it?

  2. Thanks for the compliment! You're very sweet =)

    And yes the power of these stupid numbers is astounding!!

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  4. Thanks. How do I check my fat percentage??

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  6. Thanks! I'll have to buy a tape measure and measure myself.

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  8. Stick with the 2010 body. You look GOOD!

    (from TN)


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