J and I went out to dinner last night. It was nice. I ordered chicken, roasted potatoes and vegetables, and J got pork, cabbage and mashed potatoes. We wanted to go to a movie afterwards, but we still had 45 minutes to wait until the movie. And here comes the dilemma... J asked me if I wanted to share a dessert.
Well, yes, I wanted dessert. My dinner wasn't too heavy and I still had some room. And we had a lot of time to waste. So what was my dilemma? The dilemma was that no matter what, I still have disordered eating thoughts. No matter what, those were a lot of extra calories and I had already eaten really terribly the beginning of the week. And no matter what, I felt like a fat pig even before dinner. Plus, if I was going to share a dessert I was going to ruin my 'good eating' for the day, so I might as well get a whole big dessert to myself and call the whole day 'ruined'.
You see, THIS is what disordered eating is. I don't look at food rationally. I can't think, "yes, I'll share that dessert with you, sweetheart". I really think that if they hooked up one of those brain activity machines to my brain when I'm dealing with food/body dilemmas the machine would go bonkers.
So, what happened, you say? I decided that I really did want to eat an apple cinnamon turnover. I told J how I was feeling about the whole thing (disordered thoughts and all) and he helped me decide to get one dessert and share it. It was a perfectly portioned absolutely delicious dessert and I felt satisfied.
I kept telling myself that I need to learn how to eat sweets and other tempting foods without bingeing on them. So, even now, I feel a little guilty... but I'm really trying to be ok with it.
So how about you? Do you feel guilty when you eat 'bad' foods? How do you deal with the guilt?