Even before this weekend began, I knew that it was going to be a challenging weekend food-wise. Yesterday was one of those days where you just know you're going to eat eat eat eat eat eat, and well, eat some more. I was so excited to see all my friends, but I was honestly dreading all the food and all the thoughts and issues that come with it. Thank God I have J to talk to because sometimes I feel like a crazy person. And most times I feel so alone in my battle with disordered eating.
Friday night was fine. I made J and I shrimp stir fry over brown rice and it was a great and healthy dinner. One of my best friends was in town, so we went out for drinks and dancing. We had a few drinks and we had an amazing time.
Saturday was the hard day. We had a surprise birthday party for J's cousin at a place called Pizza House and then we had a going-away dinner party for one of my friends. While we headed to the Pizza House I told J that I was going to order a chicken salad because I didn't want to eat 'bad'. But that all changed once we got to the pizza place. By the time we actually got around to ordering the food it was 3 pm and we were STARVING! And everyone was ordering pizza and it smelled sooo good. And it would've been cheaper if we just shared a pizza with J's cousin and his girlfriend. So that's what we did. We ordered a big salad, some break sticks and a large pizza. By the time the breadsticks got there we were so hungry that we scarfed it down. And when the pizza came, I had two slices. Afterwards, we had a medium sized slice of chocolate birthday cake. Everyone was eating, so I ate right along with them. I was full, but I wasn't exploding. I felt OK and the food was pretty yummy.
A few hours later we headed over to my friend's dinner party and there was A LOT of food. Everyone was chatting and there were snacks on the table. One of the snacks was a big bowl of potato chips. So I decided to have a couple. And a couple more and a couple more until I was practically inhaling the chips between talking with my friends. Then dinner was served. We're Persian and we eat a lot of rice usually, but every single dish was a rice dish! So I went around and go a little bit of all the dishes. About a half hour later, they brought out dessert: cheesecake and cookies (with tea, of course!). So I had a little bit of cheesecake and one cookie. 5 minutes later, I had another cookie, then another and another and another. By the end of the night I felt so disgusting and fat and bloated. All in all, I ate like complete crap yesterday and now I feel like my face is as round as a basketball and I feel like a tub of lard.
What is it with me and eating? Why the hell do I have this crazy binge eating/addiction to food, especially crappy foods and sweets? Well, a recent study from the Princeton Neuroscience Institute may have an answer. The study demonstrated that adding sugar to the diet of rats caused a marked sugar addiction for the rats. And taking away the sugar caused withdrawal symptoms very similar to those associated with drug addiction.
So what does this mean for me? I really believe that I have an addiction-like relationship with crappy foods. As long as I am in a mindset of not eating crappy foods, I don't eat them. I can ignore a bowl of chips with resilient will-power. But once I start eating junk foods like chips or cookies, an addiction-like quality appears in my state of mind. I believe that part of it has to do with guilt: I feel so guilty that I ate one cookie, that I eat 3 or 4 more. The other part of it, I really and truly believe has to do with sugar addiction. I can't stop at just one.
After the party last night, I talked to J about what had been going through my mind the whole night: the addiction, the guilt, the feeling-like-shit. And I came to a conclusion: if I can't handle sweets or crappy food right now, I should just cut them out of my diet. I have resolved to just completely cut sweets and junky snacks out of my diet for the next few weeks and see how I feel. The way I feel now, I think it might just be easier to not even eat one, than to try my hardest to stop at one. I mean, it's not like I'm cutting out foods that have any kind of nutritional value. I'm just going to not eat junk and see how I feel. Both J and I think that this is a good experiment, so I will be giving you updates of how it's going.
So my question for you is: have you ever cut any foods out of your diet? How did it go?