And THE thought came to my mind...
If only I were as skinny as them, I would enjoy life so much more. I would be so much happier and more confident with myself.
I left the pool that day with negative feelings toward my body. It made me feel like a failure.
A week prior to this incident, I was hanging out with some family members. A girl that I know had lost an immense amount of weight. In fact, she looked sickly. I spent the majority of the weekend berating myself about how if only I had been going to the gym consistently and not eating as much, I would look just as good as her. I was jealous. I was jealous that she ate more than I did all weekend, but she looked waif-like. I was jealous that she looked thin and maybe border-line sickly/skinny and I looked healthy. I kept thinking...if only I was that thin, I could be so much happier.
To top it all off, I was mad at myself for being jealous.
Fast-forward a week after the pool incident, I found out from someone close to the girl that she most likely has an eating disorder.
Every ounce of jealousy that I had felt melted into a big puddle of pity. All I could think was 'how stupid could I be to not see that? To think that she was happy and thin? To think that she was just blessed to be so skinny, yet be able to eat everything under the sun?'
And then I thought to the pool incident.
How many of those girls had been starving themselves to 'look' that happy in their bikinis?
How many of them were really proud and comfortable of their tiny bodies?
How many of them thought they were fat?
The truth is, even when I was much thinner than I am now, I was never happy with my body. I have always thought that I look bigger than I want to look.
At my thinnest I was SO extremely unhappy because I was STARVING.
I constantly went between restricting and bingeing and it.was.exhausting.
Every event in my life, for the past decade, has been overshadowed by thoughts of food/restricting/bingeing.
It's been months since I've binged or restricted.
Yet, sometimes I still get pangs of jealousy when I see people around me losing weight, or looking thin.
Sometimes, it's great to be reminded that what you think is going on may really be an illusion. I should have never been jealous of the other girl's bodies because I don't know their stories. I don't know if they are suffering from an eating disorder, or what else is going on. The fact is that I am NOT jealous of their possible eating disorders or the other things that they are dealing with.
The grass is not always greener on the other side, and I know that because I've been to the other side.
The other side sucks!
I wouldn't accept a million dollars for going back to my eating disordered ways.
It's not worth it.