Thursday, June 16, 2011

I Went To The Pool: A Short story

Last week I went to our apartment pool by myself.  I was surrounded by about 10-15 insanely skinny 20-something year old girls in tiny bikinis.  They were playing in the water, flirting with the boys at the pool, and looking like they were having the time of their lives.

And THE thought came to my mind...

If only I were as skinny as them, I would enjoy life so much more.  I would be so much happier and more confident with myself.

I left the pool that day with negative feelings toward my body.  It made me feel like a failure.

A week prior to this incident, I was hanging out with some family members.  A girl that I know had lost an immense amount of weight.  In fact, she looked sickly.  I spent the majority of the weekend berating myself about how if only I had been going to the gym consistently and not eating as much, I would look just as good as her.  I was jealous.  I was jealous that she ate more than I did all weekend, but she looked waif-like.  I was jealous that she looked thin and maybe border-line sickly/skinny and I looked healthy.  I kept thinking...if only I was that thin, I could be so much happier. 
To top it all off, I was mad at myself for being jealous.

Fast-forward a week after the pool incident, I found out from someone close to the girl that she most likely has an eating disorder. 

Every ounce of jealousy that I had felt melted into a big puddle of pity.  All I could think was 'how stupid could I be to not see that?  To think that she was happy and thin?  To think that she was just blessed to be so skinny, yet be able to eat everything under the sun?'

And then I thought to the pool incident.
How many of those girls had been starving themselves to 'look' that happy in their bikinis?
How many of them were really proud and comfortable of their tiny bodies?
How many of them thought they were fat?

The truth is, even when I was much thinner than I am now, I was never happy with my body.  I have always thought that I look bigger than I want to look.

At my thinnest I was SO extremely unhappy because I was STARVING. 
I constantly went between restricting and bingeing and it.was.exhausting.
Every event in my life, for the past decade, has been overshadowed by thoughts of food/restricting/bingeing.

It's been months since I've binged or restricted.
Yet, sometimes I still get pangs of jealousy when I see people around me losing weight, or looking thin.

Sometimes, it's great to be reminded that what you think is going on may really be an illusion.  I should have never been jealous of the other girl's bodies because I don't know their stories.  I don't know if they are suffering from an eating disorder, or what else is going on.  The fact is that I am NOT jealous of their possible eating disorders or the other things that they are dealing with.   

The grass is not always greener on the other side, and I know that because I've been to the other side.
The other side sucks!

I wouldn't accept a million dollars for going back to my eating disordered ways. 

It's not worth it.



  1. I love your post today, really I do. I want to tell you that I am very proud of you for not restricting/purging in months!!! That is a HUGE accomplishment.

    You are right. It IS NOT worth it.


  2. Angel,
    So easy to say, but I mean it.
    You are so beautiful.
    I have seen you come to life.
    It is so wonderful.

    I no longer struggle with that longing, or those feelings.
    I can understand why you are still vulnerable to them, and what I can say, is that they will ease.
    The longer you are recovering the easier these feelings get.
    And one day, you won't even have those thoughts.

    I guess it is easy to beat ourselves up, our bodies, because they are an easy and fragile target.

    Keep remembering YOU.
    Keep remembering the simple joys of life.
    And know, you ARE worth it xxxx

  3. I've had some similar moments lately. I work at a summer camp with a ton of teenagers and pre-teens. My mind has often wandered to feeling horrible about my body. Those young girls are so tiny!

    But, the rational part of me has to remember that I have 10+ years on them now. In some ways it's a good reminder, but I also feel OLD! Ha ha.

    Either way, I have to remind myself that I'm healthy. I'm within a healthy weight, I work out regularly (enough), and I eat fairly well. I may not have a perfectly smooth, skinny body, but I'm healthy, and that's what matters.

    Keep it up Yasi! :)

  4. Wow Yasi, you are so great.
    I missed reading your blog.
    Sorry for my absence.

    It's so awesome to hear that you're not jealous of those girls, though. When I hear of someone suffering from ED I do get sad for them, but a little part of me is still envious. I know that's not right. I'm working on it.
    Anyway, I hope that you continue to see yourself as the beautiful young woman that you are. :) I bet you look hot in a bikini, girl! ;)
    Love you,

  5. AMEN!!!
    Love this. The more I maintain a higher weight the more I just get sick of being so "altered" and crazy that at a normal weight with a body nobody would call fat I still feel itchy in my own skin.
    It's so LAME!!!

    And you? You look great. You know this (somewhere) and WE know this.
    So why must we be plagued by this crap?

    It is very rewarding how as time passes we are able to change these thoughts and examine them...see them as so flawed. The thoughts are flawed, not us!!


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