Body "identifiers", and acceptance of the change

If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would allow myself to not be as thin as I could possibly be, I would have laughed and not believed you.  The mere thought of not being super skinny would leave me completely panicked. 

I was so absolutely obsessed with "thin" as my identifier, that I could not imagine myself happy in any other way.  At that time, my body defined who I was.  If I was not "Yasi, the short, skinny girl", then who was I?" 

Nobody.

(Or so I thought.)

I truly, and deeply, believed that I would not, and could not, be happy if I weighed anything over 109 pounds.  And if my weight climbed over that number, then I was damned, doomed, and done for!

This is why I did absolutely everything in my power to stay slim, and to stay under that number.  Unlike some girls who deal with ED's, mine did not involve exercise.  The reason for this is because I simply did not have the energy to complete my daily activities, let alone exercise.  And, I knew that when my activity increased my body would throw a complete shit-fit and I would lose control of my restriction.  If I did anything more than my normal routine, I would need more fuel (food), and that was a no-go.  So, my simple solution was to never be more active than I really needed to be.

What this meant was that as I lost weight (and did not exercise), I became super skinny up top, and skinny but squishy in my lower body.  My body had no definition.  I absolutely dreaded wearing bikinis, and really disliked my nude form.  I was not proud of my shape when it wasn't draped with clothing.  In clothes, I liked the fact that I looked thin-- my collar bones stuck out, my arms were waif-like.  Without clothes, I was just a squishy skinny person-- NOT that attractive.

After working on recovery for the past year and a half, my body has completely transformed.  I gained some definite weight (~10-12 pounds from my lowest weight, and ~5-7 pounds from the weight that I tried to maintain for the last couple of years before recovery).  I have also gained a lot of muscle, and some major definition and shape in my body.
Not only do I look very healthy, I am very healthy.  I am now much more active than I was-- I work out about 3x a week and I'm always up for walks, hikes, or other fun things. 

And, the reason that I can do all of these things is because I consistently feed and nourish my body.  My goal is not to be as thin as I could possibly be, it is to be fit and healthy.

In fact, I no longer identify with "thin".  But, I do identify with "athletic".  This is a huge stride for me.  Before recovery, I cringed at the word "athletic" as an identifier.  Because to me, it was almost a nicer way of saying "stocky" or "masculine", and I was terrified of being any of those things.  But, now, I don't mine describing myself as athletic, because that means that I can be as active as I want to be, and that is exciting!

This Friday, I even went on a 2.5 mile run at the gym, did strength training for a half hour, had lunch with my best friend, and an hour later went on a 2.7 mile hike with her.  A year and a half ago this would have been nearly impossible for me!

In addition, this year has been one of the first years that I've really felt comfortable with my body in a bikini.  My level of comfort has actually gone up since I first doned a bikini this Summer, so that'a a plus. :) 
And my comfort has nothing to do with looking thin in my bikini- because I don't.  I look athletic and fit.  I look like I eat normally and I work out.  And somehow, through all the positive self-talk, I've come to see 'athletic' and 'healthy' as positive descriptions.

I've actually never had as much fun during a Summer, as I have had this year.  And I attribute all of that to my recovery, and my life-style change.  Hoorah!!! :):)

♡Yasi

What it feels like to NOT want

Hi guys!
  First off, I want to tell you that something's been going on with my Blogger for weeks now-- I can't comment on anyone's posts.  :(  It's a bummer, but I am reading them!

  My post tonight was inspired by how I've been feeling lately.  In a nutshell, I feel... unrestricted.

  It's been almost a year and a half since I began this journey, and even though I have had set-backs, it's amazing how far I've come.  The Summer has always been an extremely stressful time for me.  BBQs, parties, and beach-getaways are basically protocol for every weekend.  To some people this sounds absolutely amazing.  To me, it's usually disastrous and leaves me full of anxiety for three months straight. 

  The reason for my anxiety is this... for over a decade my lovely and very thoughtful (not) eating disorder called the shots on when I got to have to fun, and when I didn't.  My oscillations in food intake and my body image dictated the things that I *let* myself do.  For example, maybe I was starving (from the non-stop restricting) on a random Thursday and it led to a huge binge.  After the episode, I would feel like such crap that I would basically sit and home all weekend trying to recover from the 'fatness' that resulted from my eating.

What if there was a party on Saturday that all my friends were going to?  Well, most of the time, I would miss the party.  Because it was more important to me to feel good about my body and my restriction, and feel 'confident and thin', than it was to enjoy the company of my friends.  In fact, if I felt fat, I felt almost 'unuitable' for other people-- as if, I was too disgusting to be around my friends.  If I somehow was convinced of going out, I would feel so terrible about myself the whole time that I completely expected to have another binge at the party.

Actually, even the parties and get-together that I felt 'good enough' to attend were messed up by my ED.  Through out my ED, I meticulously planned my intake around big events so that I was 'allowed' to eat like a normal person.  I would restrict myself the entire week so that when my friend's wedding (for example) came up, I could eat all the yummy foods.  The problem was, every time I got in these situations, I ended up gourding myself until I felt absolutely terrible.  So, my desire to be normal always ended up being very abnormal. 

I never knew how to enjoy food when I was out.  I just got so excited about all of the foods that I didn't allow myself to eat, and I had to have them all- right then and there.  Because I knew when I got home I wasn't allowed to eat any of those things.  And usually, after I returned from the parties, I would feel so awful about what I ate, that I binged for a few days afterwards (and restricted until the next time I was 'allowed' to really eat).

The funny thing is, looking back, I think that I spent more time in my head, thinking about what I could/should/would consume, than actually having fun and enjoying my time with my friends.

Sad.

But, I am happy to report, that things have changed.  It's weird, but completely right, at the same time.  It's weird because I can't remember ever enjoying my Summer weekends this much and not having my intake be the #1 thing on my mind.  It's so, so, right because this is how life should be, goddammit!!

Lately, I've been finding myself being extremely care-free with what I eat.  This, coming from the girl who always had a fit about which restaurants shw was comfortable enough to eat at; the same girl who didn't even TASTE peanut butter (fat fat fat fat) until she was 21 years old because she was afraid she'd love it and want to eat it all the time. 

However, since I threw all my 'eating rules' out the window, I literally have no restrictions.  When someone asks me where I'd like to eat, I don't freak out and try to pick a place with low-cal options.  Instead, I lean toward "whatever everyone else wants".  WHAT?!  Shut the front door!

I have never been a go-with-the-flow person when it comes to food.  I was always the picky one.  The one with the annoying eating habits that everyone else had to plan around.

Well, that person is no more!  And even more interestingly, I hardly ever binge at parties, or spend entire weekends thinking about food and my intake.  Now, I don't feel the pressure of foods choices because I allow myself to eat sensibly and fully at all times.  If I want chips with my sandwich, I eat them, but stop when  I'm full.  If I want dessert, I have some, but don't gourd myself on it.  This way, when the weekends come up, I'm not SO excited and obsessed with the food that I'm going to be 'allowed' to eat, because I'm always allowed to eat that food.

The point is, when we stop making food such a BIG DEAL, we take away its power.  This concept is almost child-like in it's simplicity.  When we stop making lists of foods that are off-limits or restricted, those foods aren't as appealing anymore.  (I even left some ice cream in the fridge for a week because I forgot about it.  This would have been nearly impossible a year ago because the icecream would haunt me and tempt me until I ate the last bit of it.)

Somehow, through this year and a half of ups-and-downs, I've learned to not be controlled by food. 

And it should be no big surprise that I now enjoy every one of my weekends having fun and not worrying about what I'm going to consume.  And even better?  I've grown closer to my friends, and my fun factor has hugely increased. ;)

Lots of Love, and I hope you have a fabulous weekend!

♡Yasi

I Went To The Pool: A Short story

Last week I went to our apartment pool by myself.  I was surrounded by about 10-15 insanely skinny 20-something year old girls in tiny bikinis.  They were playing in the water, flirting with the boys at the pool, and looking like they were having the time of their lives.

And THE thought came to my mind...

If only I were as skinny as them, I would enjoy life so much more.  I would be so much happier and more confident with myself.

I left the pool that day with negative feelings toward my body.  It made me feel like a failure.


A week prior to this incident, I was hanging out with some family members.  A girl that I know had lost an immense amount of weight.  In fact, she looked sickly.  I spent the majority of the weekend berating myself about how if only I had been going to the gym consistently and not eating as much, I would look just as good as her.  I was jealous.  I was jealous that she ate more than I did all weekend, but she looked waif-like.  I was jealous that she looked thin and maybe border-line sickly/skinny and I looked healthy.  I kept thinking...if only I was that thin, I could be so much happier. 
To top it all off, I was mad at myself for being jealous.


Fast-forward a week after the pool incident, I found out from someone close to the girl that she most likely has an eating disorder. 

Every ounce of jealousy that I had felt melted into a big puddle of pity.  All I could think was 'how stupid could I be to not see that?  To think that she was happy and thin?  To think that she was just blessed to be so skinny, yet be able to eat everything under the sun?'

And then I thought to the pool incident.
How many of those girls had been starving themselves to 'look' that happy in their bikinis?
How many of them were really proud and comfortable of their tiny bodies?
How many of them thought they were fat?

The truth is, even when I was much thinner than I am now, I was never happy with my body.  I have always thought that I look bigger than I want to look.

At my thinnest I was SO extremely unhappy because I was STARVING. 
I constantly went between restricting and bingeing and it.was.exhausting.
Every event in my life, for the past decade, has been overshadowed by thoughts of food/restricting/bingeing.

It's been months since I've binged or restricted.
Yet, sometimes I still get pangs of jealousy when I see people around me losing weight, or looking thin.

Sometimes, it's great to be reminded that what you think is going on may really be an illusion.  I should have never been jealous of the other girl's bodies because I don't know their stories.  I don't know if they are suffering from an eating disorder, or what else is going on.  The fact is that I am NOT jealous of their possible eating disorders or the other things that they are dealing with.   

The grass is not always greener on the other side, and I know that because I've been to the other side.
The other side sucks!

I wouldn't accept a million dollars for going back to my eating disordered ways. 

It's not worth it.

♡Yasi

Spring Fling!

Every once in a while, when I'm shopping, something really catches my eye.

That's exactly what happened when I saw these scalloped lace shorts at Forever21, 

I just had to have them.

You can see why, below

...

They are to die for!

:)

What I love about these shorts is that they are so feminine (almost skirt-like!), 

yet they are very easy to wear and pair.

Throw on a a simple tank, 

a long cardi,

a dainty pair of flats,

and some accessories

...

...

and you're all set for a fabulous Spring day!

Scalloped shorts- Forever 21

Teal tank- Banana Republic

Grey cardi- Forever 21

Flats- boutique in LA

Teal bangal- Charlotte Russe

Gold and white woven headband- Forever 21

Bag- Old Navy

So, tell me...

Have you fallen in love with anything lately while shopping?

♡Yasi 

Hello, Spring! How nice of you to arrive.

Spring has finally sprung in Michigan!

Time to break out the Spring clothes, 

shoes, 

and 

delicious accessories!

Just look at these adorable flats!

They don't deserve to sit in the closet all winter long.

:)

I'm ready!

Now, bring on Summer. ;)

Top & bangle- H&M

Jeans- Express 

Shoes- Charlotte Russe

So, tell me...

Are you excited for your Summer wardrobe?!

♡Yasi 

My first video blog!! (Body Acceptance & challenges that I faced)

Hi, everyone!

  I hope that you had a fabulous week.  I have been toying with the idea of video blogging for a bit now.  And after seeing Sia Jane's and some other girl's vlogs, I decided to make my own.  It's a little long (~15 minutes, split into 2 smaller videos), but I guess I just had a lot to say!  I promise to make my thoughts more concise if I make any more video blogs.  But, I think it was alright for my first time! :)

I really hope that you enjoyed it.  I'd love to hear comments/feedback from you.  

Would you like me to make more video?  

Are they any specific topics you'd like to hear about?

Thanks for watching and have a great weekend!!

♡Yasi 

The reason why my blogging topics have changed and how my derriere is a literal family tree

via

Hi, everyone!

  I hope you're all having a great Monday. :)  I want to address something that I've been thinking about.  As you may or may not have noticed, the topics that I blog about have changed quite a bit.  I haven't written about body or food related issues in some time, and there are a few reasons why.  The most important, most exciting, and most fantastic reason is simple:  because I haven't felt like I've had to.

Plainly, I have not been struggling with disordered eating or body image issues like I used to.  I have somehow, miraculously, gotten to a place where most of the time I like the way my body looks, and most of the time I'm not over-thinking my food choices.  Sure, there are days where I'm not happy with my body--nothing that I put on looks right, and I'm not completely comfortable with my physical self.  But, the brilliant thing is that I now know that these days are normal, they will pass, and I will most likely not feel bad about myself in a week's time.

I have learned to be patient.  ((Collective GASP!))


I have begun to cut myself some slack. ( Do I feel bloated and gross today?  Well, it might be because I'm a woman, and that type of feeling is normal at a certain time every month.  Key word:  normal!)

I try, every day, to embrace my body shape and be appreciative of the history that resides in my shape.  (Think about it-- many women in my family have this shape.  My ass shape could literally be traced in my family tree!  Cool stuff, right?!)

I tell myself, with the continuous help of my wonderful husband, that I am a 26-year old woman and that my body need not resemble that of a teenager.

I remind myself, daily, that my body is beautiful, healthy, and strong.  I am not tired 24-7, I have energy to work out and PLAY (!!), and I can take part in any activity without the topic of food taking over as the foremost thought on my mind.

For the first time, in a very, very, long time, I am seeing life with a new set of eyes.  I am enjoying so many things that I had missed out on in the past.  Now, I look forward to gatherings with friends.  I get excited about outings, BBQs, and trips.  I am able to drink beer, wine, and other alcoholic drinks, and enjoy them guilt-free.  This may seem very silly to some, but for years I did not partake in drinking because I was petrified of consuming liquid calories.  Now, I allow myself to drink occasionally.  I've even discovered that I love red wine, and some beers, too.  Woohoo for being an adult!!!

I am also fascinated with dressing and outfitting my body with clothes that flatter my shape.  More importantly, I have stopped forcing my body to be emaciated and thin so that I can fit into certain types of clothes that I deem cool.  If something doesn't look good on me, well, that sucks-- but, on to the next!

Ultimately, I have learned to RELAX!  This one is a big one for me.  I've had to teach myself to calm down, let go, and that nothing is as big of a deal as I think it is.

Example:
I feel like my thighs look HUGE in these pants.  I want to cry into my cereal.  My day is ruined.


So what?  Am I a model? (No.)  Does my livelihood depend on the fit of my pants? (No.)  Does it make me less of a person?  (Nope.)  Does this "problem" compare to any of the problems that 99.9% of the people in the world are dealing with right now?  (No...*while shrinking away, embarrassed*)


A dose of perspective is sometimes the best way to pull yourself out of a rut.




My point is, my Lovelies, that these are the reasons why my blogging topics have changed.  Now, I tend to desire blogging about fashion and style, rather than my every body-image issue.  Because, incredibly, I can deal with most of the issues myself. :)  Of course, I still read quite a few ED-related blogs and keep up with the ED-recovery community.  I will always be passionate and involved in ED issues and topics.

Well, I must go work on my thesis.

You are amazing and I am tremendously grateful for your support, love, and wonderful words.

♡Yasi