Today I had what I believe was an allergic reaction caused by my ED.
Here's how it started....
We went to the gym, after not going for about a week. I felt kind of down on myself and chubby. I decided that it would be a great idea to get on the scale for the first time since, like, July; just to prove to myself that the weight gain was in my head.
Well, it wasn't. 114 stared right back at me.
I started freaking out. I wasn't prepared for that number. It was about 3 more pounds than I was hoping for.
I freak out.
I freak out.
I get on the elliptical.
I'm freaking out.
I call J over to talk with me while I'm on the elliptical. I tell him I'm flipping out. I'm almost hyperventilating. My heart is beating fast. There is a lump in my throat. I feel like I'm about to burst into tears.
We talk for 10 minutes about how weight is just a number, and 114 is nothing, and my weight shouldn't dictate my self-worth, etc.
I think I'm ok, and I get on the treadmill. I do my normal work-out of walking at a very fast pace at the highest incline, and my legs start to itch.
They itch so much. They itch so much. My legs are burning.
MY LEGS ARE ON FIRE!
I scratch my legs, but the itch gets worse. Finally, I went off the treadmill, went to the locker room, and put generic locker-room lotion on them. They burned even more.
I put my own lotion on them. Better. But not by much.
I catch my reflection in the mirror. I look bigger. I know I look bigger. Jesus. I'm getting fat.
I start freaking out again. My legs itch. My legs itch so bad. I still have 40 minutes of my work out left. But I can't stay. There's no way I can get through this burning itch and work out.
I tell J we have to leave because I can't work out anymore. We come home and I take a benadryl.
I feel numb. I'm freezing. I'm wrapped up in a blanket. J is trying to have normal conversation with me, and I just can't. I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to not think of anything.
Could my freaking out have caused an allergic reaction within my body?
I don't know.