Hey all :)
Thank you so much for listening to me rant yesterday. After I got done writing the post, J called me on his way home, and I just broke down crying. Once he got home we talked.
He listened to me talk for a long time. I told him about all of my feelings of disgust, and the fact that sometimes I want to crawl out of my own skin because of how uncomfortable I feel with my body. I told him that I am so sick of feeling this way (feeling like I look fat and the fighting with myself that I talked about), and I am so tired of comparing my self-worth to the way I look, or how 'skinny' I feel. But, I also told him that I know that I'm not fat, in the way that most people would regard fat. So not only do I feel guilty that I'm berating myself with negative thoughts, but, I also feel guilty that there are people out there that are bigger than me, in a physical sense, who would look at me and think that I'm nuts to think that I could be fat.
So, basically, I'm living in this world of pure guilt. Guilt about getting healthy and not looking like a 12 year old girl, guilt about feeling guilty for not looking that way (because I'm a 26 year old adult, dammit!), and guilt for the way other people would feel if they could read my crazy ED thoughts.
J told me that I need to stop dealing myself so much guilt. Which, I know I do. We also talked about how when I'm busier, I seem to be happier with myself. Because I don't have the two hours when I'm getting ready to do anything to stare in the mirror and pick at myself and my body. So, I'm going to try to keep myself busy.
He then made a very poignant statement. He said that my self-worth should be rooted in the fact that I am a wife to a very loving husband, that I have friends and family who love me, that I am a Master's candidate finishing up my thesis, that I have two cats who adore me, and on and on. It shouldn't be rooted in how thin I feel or look.
That right there is really how I should be looking at myself. What an amazing piece of advice.
Haha, J is basically like my counselor. =P
Additionally, we are going to join this awesome gym that we found in the area. It's HUGE, the machines are fantastic, it has tons of classes, and pools, and other cool things to do. It's a bit on the pricy side. But, it's worth it for all of the activities that it offers. Plus, both of us love going to the gym and being active and healthy. So, it's a great choice for us. In fact, we went together to work out on Thursday and Friday, and went separately yesterday. And today, we're going to try out a yoga class!
I'm really excited for the yoga class!! Maybe it'll help me chill the eff out. Haha.