I haven't posted in a little while. I was sick for a bit, and then I was busy.
For the past couple of weeks my ED thoughts have been wreaking havoc on my brain. I literally battle with my thoughts every time I look in the mirror. I have to convince myself to put clothes on everyday and do stuff. And I have to talk myself into the fact that my 'fatness' is in my brain.
I know this is a part of recovery. But, it's so fucking hard. I'm so sick of dealing with myself. Of arguing with myself. I feel schizophrenic. Or I feel like I have multiple personality disorder. And that there are two of me constantly fighting fighting fighting.
I'm just so tired. I'm exhausted of fighting with myself. I'm so tired of trying to explain to J what is going on with me and why I feel like shit about myself.
It's as if I need to stop looking in any mirrors. Because every time I do, all I can think of is how I've gained weight and how those jeans fit differently before. How I have face pudge, and my stomach is protruding, but it didn't before.
I would never wish this fucked-uped-ness on anybody.
And I'm so scared to get on a scale.
I'm just so exhausted of this.
Sorry. Just have been feeling down for a while.