I haven't posted in a little while. I was sick for a bit, and then I was busy.
For the past couple of weeks my ED thoughts have been wreaking havoc on my brain. I literally battle with my thoughts every time I look in the mirror. I have to convince myself to put clothes on everyday and do stuff. And I have to talk myself into the fact that my 'fatness' is in my brain.
I know this is a part of recovery. But, it's so fucking hard. I'm so sick of dealing with myself. Of arguing with myself. I feel schizophrenic. Or I feel like I have multiple personality disorder. And that there are two of me constantly fighting fighting fighting.
I'm just so tired. I'm exhausted of fighting with myself. I'm so tired of trying to explain to J what is going on with me and why I feel like shit about myself.
It's as if I need to stop looking in any mirrors. Because every time I do, all I can think of is how I've gained weight and how those jeans fit differently before. How I have face pudge, and my stomach is protruding, but it didn't before.
I would never wish this fucked-uped-ness on anybody.
And I'm so scared to get on a scale.
I'm just so exhausted of this.
Sorry. Just have been feeling down for a while.
*hugs*
ReplyDeletefigured that you need a hug.
I understand how you feel. I had this moment earlier this week and it was depressing the heck out of me. I felt like oh my gosh, I need a vacation from me, and just abandon everything for a while.
I do get this a lot (more than I want to admit even to myself) especially now with wedding planning. It is not easy! But what helps me is to write it in my blog, talk with people, write in my journal, and be more gentle with myself on my "down" days.
Hang in there, Yasi! And do keep it in the mind that you are beautiful both outside and on the inside.
I'm sorry you feel that way/: I've felt kinda bigger today too. But it's good you realize that it's just in your head. I have to realize that too. When we have those days, we have to look in the mirror and say: I am beautiful. It may be hard to do but it may help a little bit. I realize the more i say it, the more i start to believe it even a little bit.
ReplyDeleteThanks, girls... :)
ReplyDeleteI talked to J about how I was feeling. And we discussed the fact that when I'm busier, I worry less about the way I look and my ED. So, I'm going to try to keep myself busier. We are joining this really awesome new gym (will post about this soon!). And we're even going to yoga tomorrow so that I can learn to chill out a bit.
You're both great. Thank you, again:)