I have lost weight. Last time I weighed myself (on Friday) I weighed 111, which is 2 pounds lighter than I've been the past 6 months (recovery, eating, etc). I think I may have lost a bit more than that. It feels like I lost about 4. How did I do it? Restricting a bit and exercising. I am not eating peanut butter sandwiches anymore everyday. I am not having a hearty breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My lunches and dinner have gotten much smaller.
And I can't lie, I love the way my body looks and feels. I feel like myself. I missed feeling light, small, and dainty. This is the body I've had for the past few years, but even better because since I started working out in January, my legs and butt have gotten firm.
My stomach had gotten used to the feedings every 3-4 hours. So doing this, cutting down on food, has not been easy. But I just cannot deal with looking heavy (for me) on my wedding day. I just can't. With all of these events coming up, I need to feel like I look my best.
So the real question is "How important is being thin?"
For many years, being thin is the one thing that has been a no-fail goal for me to achieve. I can always win. When everything else is up in the air, when everything else is changing, one thing is almost completely under my control-and that thing is my weight. To me, one of the worst things that I could ever do to myself is let myself go. That's why it hasn't happened since I was a much bigger years and years ago, as mentioned in this post.
When I am thin I feel beautiful, confident, and composed. I feel like I have my shit together because I look like I do. I love when I pull a pair of pants up from the ground and they glide effortlessly over my legs and rest on my hips. This feeling is one to be savored. And my clothes just look so much better when I'm a couple of pounds lighter. It's as if I bought new clothes.
But the thing is, I'm still 1000% for body acceptance and for female empowerment. I guess I just have difficulty accepting my body the way IT wants to be. I want it to be what I want it to be. I wonder if I will ever accept it for what it wants to be? What will happen when I have kids? ...
I know that I have diverged from my original goal of normal eating. I just have a mental need, at this point (wedding, tons of events, activities, pictures), to be thin. I cannot psychology handle feeling like a I'm living in somebody else's body. Plus, it's not like I'm trying to lose tons and tons of weight and look sick.
The truth is, my body wants to be at 113 pounds. I have discovered this fact in these past few months of normal eating. I, however, like to be at 108 pounds. What this means is that I am constantly trying to defy the laws of nature.
So, the questions that I have for you are:
>>Is it bad to try your hardest to stay at a certain weight? What if that weight is below what your body would normally want you to be at?
Did you know that Audrey Hepburn vowed to herself to never weigh more than 103 pounds. And she never did. Now I realize this is a bit much because the fabulous actress was 5'6".
>>Do you know what your body's set-point is, and do you try to fight it? If you do, do you win?
Please tell me that I'm not the only person who finds extreme enjoyment and a mental high from thin limbs, a hard stomach, and long lean leg lines...
Lots of Love,