Monday, June 28, 2010

On a Serious Note

  I know that my past few posts have been fluffy, fashion-y, and fun.  So this is a somewhat heavy post to balance it out.  I haven't made an ED or eating post in about a week.  So here goes.

  I have lost weight.  Last time I weighed myself (on Friday) I weighed 111, which is 2 pounds lighter than I've been the past 6 months (recovery, eating, etc).  I think I may have lost a bit more than that.  It feels like I lost about 4.  How did I do it?  Restricting a bit and exercising.  I am not eating peanut butter sandwiches anymore everyday.  I am not having a hearty breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  My lunches and dinner have gotten much smaller.

  And I can't lie, I love the way my body looks and feels.  I feel like myself.  I missed feeling light, small, and dainty.  This is the body I've had for the past few years, but even better because since I started working out in January, my legs and butt have gotten firm.

  My stomach had gotten used to the feedings every 3-4 hours.  So doing this, cutting down on food, has not been easy.  But I just cannot deal with looking heavy (for me) on my wedding day.  I just can't.  With all of these events coming up, I need to feel like I look my best.

  So the real question is "How important is being thin?"

  For many years, being thin is the one thing that has been a no-fail goal for me to achieve.  I can always win.  When everything else is up in the air, when everything else is changing, one thing is almost completely under my control-and that thing is my weight.  To me, one of the worst things that I could ever do to myself is let myself go.  That's why it hasn't happened since I was a much bigger years and years ago, as mentioned in this post.

  When I am thin I feel beautiful, confident, and composed.  I feel like I have my shit together because I look like I do.  I love when I pull a pair of pants up from the ground and they glide effortlessly over my legs and rest on my hips.  This feeling is one to be savored.  And my clothes just look so much better when I'm a couple of pounds lighter.  It's as if I bought new clothes.

  But the thing is, I'm still 1000% for body acceptance and for female empowerment.  I guess I just have difficulty accepting my body the way IT wants to be.  I want it to be what I want it to be.  I wonder if I will ever accept it for what it wants to be?  What will happen when I have kids? ...

  I know that I have diverged from my original goal of normal eating.  I just have a mental need, at this point (wedding, tons of events, activities, pictures), to be thin.  I cannot psychology handle feeling like a I'm living in somebody else's body.  Plus, it's not like I'm trying to lose tons and tons of weight and look sick.

  The truth is, my body wants to be at 113 pounds.  I have discovered this fact in these past few months of normal eating.  I, however, like to be at 108 pounds.  What this means is that I am constantly trying to defy the laws of nature.

  So, the questions that I have for you are:

>>Is it bad to try your hardest to stay at a certain weight?  What if that weight is below what your body would normally want you to be at?

Did you know that Audrey Hepburn vowed to herself to never weigh more than 103 pounds.  And she never did.  Now I realize this is a bit much because the fabulous actress was 5'6".

>>Do you know what your body's set-point is, and do you try to fight it?  If you do, do you win?

  Please tell me that I'm not the only person who finds extreme enjoyment and a mental high from thin limbs, a hard stomach, and long lean leg lines...

Lots of Love,
Crazy Yasi


  1. The picture that I compare myself with is me at 110-111 Ib. Why 110-111? may be I remember being happy, active, and sexy in that weight. I am much firmer and about 111 Ib now but to be honest with you muscles freak me out. Was looking at my race pics during a sprint run, saw my thigh muscle that looked rather big, it almost ruined my day. I don't have ED but doesn't mean that I don't keep measuring myself every day to make sure I am not getting larger. I hope one day eating and living healthy be more effortless.

  2. Hi. Thanks for the follow and what not. You're absolutely gorgeous.

    My body had really enjoyed being in the low 120's. For about 6 months I fluctuated between 1 - 5 pound increments. It wasn't until I got serious with my fasts and exercise that I broke the barrier. Once I got below 110 it takes a week to lose a pound my metabolism is so screwed. I've been 98-100 pounds past month and my body seems comfortable with it. I'm content on this weight.

    Lord knows you're not the only one who enjoys all of the above. There are a few of us freaks who love the feel of counting ribs and purposely getting bruises on our hipbones. Not many people can say they get bruises there because they stick out.

  3. All that I did is really restrict, but as I said it's been taking me nearly two weeks to lose two pounds. Not awesome at all. Just restrict and patience. I stopped exercising a couple of months ago when I started keeping my calories under 100. I'd say it would suck pretty hard if I fainted.

  4. I have a question for you much do you feel like you're restricting yourself? How do you have that control to do it?

    I guess I ask because I'm only 5'1" and it seems like my body "wants" to be 123 pounds. I've hovered around this number for years on end. The only times I've weighed more than this is when I stopped exercising and put on the Freshman 15, and the only time I was less than this was when I was super stressed out and got down to 110 in about 5 weeks.

    Where do I want to be? 110 would be glorious, as long as I wasn't sick doing it. Although I wish I could be there (I REALLY wish I could be there), I try to make peace daily with the thought that my body is still in the "normal" range, and that I am healthy. But to be completely honest, I think about everything that goes in my mouth and I wish that I had the willpower to put it down. :/

  5. In reply to:

    I have a question for you much do you feel like you're restricting yourself? How do you have that control to do it?


    The past week and a half I have restricted myself quite a bit because I want to drop 3-5 pounds as soon as possible (for the wedding,other events, etc). And by this I mean that I am consuming around 900-1,000 calories every day. I know that this is below what I should be consuming, but I really want to drop the weight.

    How do I have the control to do it?

    At the end of high school I developed Binge Eating Disorder and weighed in at 142 pounds. I will never forget what it feels like to weigh that much. I hated myself, stopped socializing with my friends, and just ate my feelings because I was so embarrassed with what I had become.

    In the few years that followed I began restricting my eating, very much like I am now, and I lost a lot of weight. My lowest weight was 105 pounds, which is a bit low for me. I'm comfortable around 107-108. I never starved myself. I just really watch what I eat when I restrict.

    I count calories. But every week I have a free day. I also eat a little bit of things that I like (chocolate)every day so that I don't go into bingeing mode. I just work my calorie intake around it.

    I guess the real reason why I have will power is because I am intensely freightened of gaining weight and of feeling the way I used to feel.

    Does that answer your question?


  6. Oh and I also work out 3 times a week. I do about 30 minutes of walking on the highest incline on the treadmill and I do about 30 minutes of mat/ab work and weight lifting.

  7. This is what I recently read, hope atleast partially help you to reach your goal:

    Another thing that worked for me: check your heart rate and see which zone you are during a cardio workout, 80-90% of max heart rate is the most effective one to shed pounds. u can find out ur max based on age. good luck

  8. Thanks for answering Yasi! I just wanted to make sure you weren't only eating like 500 calories AND exercising. I don't want you getting hurt. :)

  9. I hear you about fighting your bodies set weight. Mine is around 140-150 (it fluctuates around that)... In my mind I should be 125. However the last time I was 125 I couldn't stand for more than 5 min because of my blood pressure. I will admit the sad part was what caused me to be 125 was a reverse in my hypothyroid problems and I could not hold any food in me, I was running to the bathroom after every meal so sick. My mom made me get a dr's help but I wouldn't do it until I felt I was to skinny... I secretly enjoyed the side effects of being so sick. It was really really hard to accept that weight gain back. But in the long run I feel SO SO much better about myself when I work out and am 140 than I did at 125 hardly being able to stand. I still fight it and dream of being 125 but having the doctor tell you how healthy you are is so much more rewarding. Trust me I know.


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